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Original poster

Prenup advice

217 replies

prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 11:41

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Basically, myself and my partner of almost 18 months have been thinking about marriage. Although this should be a happy and exciting time, we're unable to think seriously about it until we're both confident that we have the right processes in place... i.e. a prenup. My partner earns approx. £80k and is 34, has a lot of assets whereas I have very little. I have an ok job (around £20k and I'm 25) that doesn't pay loads, but I get by and we have both agreed it is ideal for when we have children as it's 'safe' and has good benefits.
I am more than happy to sign a prenup that will protect his assets - his house, car, savings and most importantly his company. These are all things he has done for himself before we even met, I have not earned them nor do I deserve or want them. What worries me is he seems to think this attitude should continue after marriage - that property, savings etc should remain his as 'he' will be buying them and that most likely our finances would be completely separate. He's very wishy washy on what he believes I would deserve if we marry and I give up work to become a mother to his kids and a glorified housekeeper.
I gave him a scenario that if we (or HE as he sees it) acquire £300k of assets over a 15 year marriage and have 2 kids, what would he see as a fair settlement and he couldn't answer. I said all I care about is knowing that if I have his children I will be able to put a roof over their heads and he said he doesn't see why he should give me a house in the case of divorce.
The whole thing is very unromantic, and I'm starting to see that perhaps he will always see his money as his money, no matter how much I sacrifice and the effort I put into him/us/our family. I'm very good to him, I give him all my time, I buy all the groceries and cook for him daily despite still living separately, and he knows I'll take care of him always, I often feel like he takes this for granted.
Am I being unreasonable here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership. If my parents had got divorced I'm certain my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of giving my Mum anything less than 50/50 despite the fact he technically 'paid' for the house, cars etc.
Please let me know your thoughts, as this is causing me a lot of heartache... I love him very much but I can't help but wonder if I want to be with a man who puts money above the ones he loves. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship that he doesn't pay enough for IMO.
I am not a gold digger, although I'm sure some will say I am. I have no interest in his existing assets and if he is made bankrupt tomorrow I'd still love him exactly the same. I'm simply concerned that if we marry, he'll makes his fortune, he'll leave me with a couple of kids and I'll be left with absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
FissionChips · 26/03/2018 11:46

You would be a damned fool to marry that man. You know it.

dirtybadger · 26/03/2018 11:49

My understanding is that in the UK prenups are basically pointless. But Im not a lawyer.

He does sound like a bit of a twat though. I dont think I would be thinking about kids with a guy who obviously doesnt value the primary carers (ie person staying at home, usually the woman) whatsoever. Plus you dont live together and already feel unappreciated after less than 2 years. I would take a step back and reevaluate the relationship. And dont be in a rush to get married any time soon...

dirtybadger · 26/03/2018 11:50

Oh and he doesnt contribute his fair share to his existing kids. So yours wont be any different....

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 11:51

We've had several rows over it, and he says it sounds like I'm trying to financially gain from the relationship. He says he will talk to his solicitor to see what is the 'norm' but is unable to say what HE believes would be fair and that is what worries me.
Note - he has been 'stung' by ex (mother of kids), they weren't married but she went after everything she could which I believe is where his mentality has come from, although I think he has a bad attitude towards money anyway.

OP posts:
mzcracker · 26/03/2018 11:52

The best predictor of how you and your children will be treated is how he treats his children and ex now ..take note.
I wouldn't marry him.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 11:53

Why are you feeding him for free? He's taking the piss.

dirtybadger · 26/03/2018 11:55

To be honest I dont think its that weird to "go after" what you can if your ex is earning mega-bucks whilst youre sat at home couponing for his kids. Maybe she was a money grabber, who knows. Either way it doesnt excuse his attitude now.

mzcracker · 26/03/2018 11:56

He's told you she 'stung' him and yet he doesn't contribute financially to raising his children?
That doesn't add up. He's just very selfish.

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 11:57

I should have said he pays for when we go out which is weekly. He has also paid for a holiday this year - the agreement has been I take care of food etc and he takes care of luxuries. My point was that I don't expect a life of luxury and give nothing in return, I do

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/03/2018 11:57

What does he do for you?
This one sounds like a lost cause I'm afraid.
You are young and your whole life ahead of you.
Don't settle for someone like this.

MrsHass · 26/03/2018 12:02

Why are you with a scumbag who doesn’t pay for his kids? That tells you exactly what sort of person he is. He sounds like a complete selfish tosser.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/03/2018 12:02

He earns around four tiems as much as you do.

You're buying and cooking all food he eats from your own income.

He does not pay enough for his existing childrens maintenance,

He thinks his money should continue to just be his after you marry and you possibly draw a lower income in order to accomodate the upbringing of possible future children together, which will be saving his money.

I once read a truly heartbreaking and horrific thread on here. The poster did not have enough money for a coat, her shoes had holes, she was using the child benefit to feed the existing children her meagre savings went on clothing and mainting them too, it was bitterly cold winter. Her 'D'P was buying flash designer clothing and computer games (all children were both the posters and the 'D'P's).

Whgat do you gain from marrying this man?

Assets and money should be joint once you have children together.

This man is a shit father and a shit boyfriend.

You need to set your sights higher and value yourself.

TheHumanMothboy · 26/03/2018 12:06

He sounds like an entitled wanker. You are better than this, you deserve more, you deserve someone that loves you, and wants to take care of the person that is going to be the mother of their children. You can already see how he treats the mother of his children- he won't change!
Leave him, please, and find happiness- there are millions of lovely people out there, and he isn't one of them.

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:06

I see both sides of him and his ex, she made sure she was put on the deeds of their second house before swiftly leaving him and moving herself and kids away (school arrangements had been made prior to buying house without his knowledge), keeping the car and going for half of the equity of both properties and clearing joint account. He did pay very fairly as well half of all additional costs including school, medical etc but she kept trying for large lump sums for various reasons which has made him reduce this.

OP posts:
Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:09

:( thank you all for your lovely responses. I know you're all right. The whole thing has upset me as I had high hopes for our future but perhaps it was through rose tinted glasses.
I would love him if he had nothing, the money means nothing but the fact he doesn't seem to want things to be equal, including money, worries me.

OP posts:
justanotheruser18 · 26/03/2018 12:11

What @FissionChips said.

Twickerhun · 26/03/2018 12:11

Run.
Fast

I’d say anything earned after marriage is family money and to be split 50/50 or based on need, ie the one who looks after the kids most of the time gets more.

fuzzywuzzy · 26/03/2018 12:13

Maybe she made him put a property under her joint name so she wouldn't be leaving a financially abusive man with young children with nothing more than the clothes on her back.
She doesn't sound like she took more than her share if he has significant assets still which he is attempting to ensure you and any future joint children never have a claim to.

Given his behaviour with money I'm not surprised she prefers a lump sum to ongoing payments from him, if he chooses to stop making payments she'll have to take him to court and that costs, then she'd need to enforce the orders if he persists in not paying which costs.

Him reducing payments illustrates perfectly why she'd be better off with a lump sum payout. He would then have no control over her.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 12:13

Is ex knows him better than you do, she has a family with him that she needs to provide for.

You can't rely totally on his version of events.

justanotheruser18 · 26/03/2018 12:14

Ps: I understand that your partner has been burned by his ex & doesn't want it to happen again, but I don't think it's fair that you should be treated in this way, all v separate and cold and unromantic, because another woman took him for a ride. Don't sign up to forever with this guy. This isn't love. This isn't a lifetime of happiness. This isn't building a life together. This is him and his stuff. And you. You deserve so much more.

TheHumanMothboy · 26/03/2018 12:15

I agree with fuzzywuzzy- those are the actions of someone that has been financially abused!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 12:15

If you were my daughter I'd swoop down and grab you, to save you from a life with this tosser.

It's funny that he thinks you are greedy, when he is eating at your house all the time and you're on a much lower income than he is. I couldn't do that to a friend.

He thinks his ex is greedy when he doesn't pay what he should do for his children.

He thinks everyone is like him.

You're so young. Don't tie yourself to this absolute twat! Don't even think of having children with him. Quite frankly he sounds the sort to have you caring for him when he's old, only to find he's left the house to someone else. Awful, awful bloke.

And he doesn't love you. Not in any way defined by anyone else.

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:17

You're right. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and I guess I am, he's not a bad man but I agree he is financially selfish.
I love when the kids are with us, he's great with them and they idolise him but I agree he could do more. However I do want to make it clear that the mother is far from perfect and has taken the p*ss several times, but so has he so no one has come out looking well in that relationship tbh.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 26/03/2018 12:18

he says it sounds like I'm trying to financially gain from the relationship - so if you have DC and you will be home with them, he is not planning to benefit from the child care?

Not supporting his DC is a very clear predictor of what will happen to any future DC if you break up.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2018 12:19

Honestly op

When I read your post I thought this was a wind up

Surely nobody in their right mind would consider marrying such a grade A
Financially Abusive future fuckwit in training in real life?

If you marry him you'll be back here barefoot and pregnant moaning that he wants receipts for every last penny, and it has we told you also written all over it.

Tell him to get to fuck, get someone who treats you as an equal, he knows your a push over and too kind, this has disaster written all over it

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