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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Prenup advice

217 replies

prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 11:41

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Basically, myself and my partner of almost 18 months have been thinking about marriage. Although this should be a happy and exciting time, we're unable to think seriously about it until we're both confident that we have the right processes in place... i.e. a prenup. My partner earns approx. £80k and is 34, has a lot of assets whereas I have very little. I have an ok job (around £20k and I'm 25) that doesn't pay loads, but I get by and we have both agreed it is ideal for when we have children as it's 'safe' and has good benefits.
I am more than happy to sign a prenup that will protect his assets - his house, car, savings and most importantly his company. These are all things he has done for himself before we even met, I have not earned them nor do I deserve or want them. What worries me is he seems to think this attitude should continue after marriage - that property, savings etc should remain his as 'he' will be buying them and that most likely our finances would be completely separate. He's very wishy washy on what he believes I would deserve if we marry and I give up work to become a mother to his kids and a glorified housekeeper.
I gave him a scenario that if we (or HE as he sees it) acquire £300k of assets over a 15 year marriage and have 2 kids, what would he see as a fair settlement and he couldn't answer. I said all I care about is knowing that if I have his children I will be able to put a roof over their heads and he said he doesn't see why he should give me a house in the case of divorce.
The whole thing is very unromantic, and I'm starting to see that perhaps he will always see his money as his money, no matter how much I sacrifice and the effort I put into him/us/our family. I'm very good to him, I give him all my time, I buy all the groceries and cook for him daily despite still living separately, and he knows I'll take care of him always, I often feel like he takes this for granted.
Am I being unreasonable here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership. If my parents had got divorced I'm certain my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of giving my Mum anything less than 50/50 despite the fact he technically 'paid' for the house, cars etc.
Please let me know your thoughts, as this is causing me a lot of heartache... I love him very much but I can't help but wonder if I want to be with a man who puts money above the ones he loves. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship that he doesn't pay enough for IMO.
I am not a gold digger, although I'm sure some will say I am. I have no interest in his existing assets and if he is made bankrupt tomorrow I'd still love him exactly the same. I'm simply concerned that if we marry, he'll makes his fortune, he'll leave me with a couple of kids and I'll be left with absolutely nothing.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 22:40

You can do so much better than this. It shouldn't be so hard, it really shouldn't. You have a lot to give, and plenty of time to do it in. 'Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.'

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/03/2018 22:47

OP, what he is doing is "gaslighting", look it up. He's come on here to make you look unreasonable, he failed. If you are lying to your family to protect the inadequate character of somebody, then you're onto a "lose" situation. Let him go. Indeed, run him out of town. He's not for you. You deserve everything fabulous and without the conditions that go with it

bonjourbear · 26/03/2018 22:50

He hasn't made you look stupid. He has made himself look stupid and continues to do so. Just chalk this one up to experience, and leave him to hoard his money by himself. I can almost guarantee won't recall what you saw in him a year from now

MrsBertBibby · 26/03/2018 22:59

Good luck OP. Nothing for you to feel embarrassed about.

expatinscotland · 26/03/2018 23:30

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing at all. You were taken in. It happens.

Starleaf · 26/03/2018 23:50

You haven't been made to look stupid at all. You started this thread because deep down I think you knew he was being unreasonable. Your worth so much more, move on and as bonjour says a year from now you'll wonder what you saw in him.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/03/2018 00:38

prenupdebate, you did well to listen to your gut feeling and come here to post.

Someone more suitable will come along, but don’t discount flying solo either. You have just found out there are worse things than being alone.

Another take away from this is that you can not make someone else happy. You can do nice things for people but their happiness will always originate from within themselves. With this bloke, imho, the goal posts would be moved on ball bearings to keep you in a “never quite good enough” state. So, you can see where this is heading...more special orders canceled for lack of performance.

You must feel an overwhelming sense of relief. If you don’t, I’m feeling it for you.

Quite right, TheFormidableMrsC: the pissing on her rather than the marking territory. The truth will out.

TemptressofWaikiki · 27/03/2018 02:05

OP, I actually read your hopefully now ex OH’s thread first. My immediate reaction was what an unpleasant total cock of a man. An utterly arrogant, controlling, undermining, self-centred, selfish odious creep! Then I read your thread and you literally confirmed every one of my observations. One thing that stood out for me was that he buys you birthday gifts that are really presents as much for him too. That is a massive red flag to me. A thoughtful nice partner would get you something that you would love without the self-serving aspect. Don’t sell yourself short!

SandyY2K · 27/03/2018 08:24

I think it’s time to walk away with my head held high

I agree.

Original poster

prenupdebate · 27/03/2018 09:54

@temptressofwaikiki thank you. The whole gift thing was something I brought up a few times but was told I was ungrateful, I see now after talking to other maybe my observations were justified. Still to this day when we argue about money he’ll bring up my birthday which was well over 6 months ago. My previous bf earned less money than me, we had nothing but he still managed to do more for me and I was ultimately happier. It was enough just knowing that if he could then he would, it has always hurt that recent bf could but won’t.
Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to see his attitude towards money is unhealthy, I’ve tried to make him see this many times but to no success. I suspect perhaps he does deep down as he is quick to tell anyone how much he has (its worth saying he saves over £3k a month, just to save) and early on in our relationship he pretended a relationship with him would be full of lavish gifts and always being taken of. Obviously this is not why I was with him, hence me staying so long but it shows he perhaps knows how he should be treating the ones he love.
It’s always made me cringe when he has paid for something and I’m then made to feel it’s ‘my turn’. We had dinner with his parents this weekend, he paid for the hotel room so I paid for myself at the meal.
I have let all of this go and genuinely believed I was ungrateful and it’s wrong to expect a man to pay for me, although deep down I’ve felt 50/50 with such a salary gap is unfair. He’s seen me very worried about my finances on occasion but hasn’t done much but offered a small short term loan which he then brings up all the time to say how great he is.
I was under the impression all of this would change after marriage, then when the prenup discussed I was told what I said in my original post which lead me to this forum to seek advice, what I wasn’t expecting was such support. It has completely opened my eyes to how wrong and unfair this relationship has been. I’ve given up so much and lost my dignity friends along the way. I’ve been an utter fool and I’m ashamed to say you all don’t know the worst of it although I won’t be delving further into details here to save our anonymity.
I can’t thank you all enough. I’ve been stupid and you’ve made me see that, I am a kind and generous person and I know that I deserve better. I won’t be giving someone any more of my best years that does so little for me.
Thank you xxx

OP posts:

BoredOnMatLeave · 27/03/2018 10:09

OP I've just read the thread (haven't read his yet but that should be a laugh). I agree you should end things, he sounds vile, selfish and I think he would turn out to be emotionally and financially abusive.

FWIW I think prenups are good (although not any actual use) if there is a massive difference in assets (like 10m and £20k) and there's a very large age difference so there would be no children. But for the sake of £80k and the fact that you should be a family it would be a very bad idea.

bastardkitty · 27/03/2018 10:15

I read the first page and skipped to the last page to say please just walk away from this horrible man, but I see you're there already! Good for you. He is a cunt.

Toomanynamestoremember · 27/03/2018 10:16

OP, these arguments about money you are having now is nothing on what will be after you get married and especially so, after you have kids. Only then you will have a lot less leverage and be bound hand and foot. It is very hard to walk out when you have got a couple of small children.

The man has shown his true colours, he is not interested in supporting you in any shape or form. He is only looking for what he can get for himself. You deserve so much better.

bastardkitty · 27/03/2018 10:20

Please can someone PM me the title of the other thread?

Blit · 27/03/2018 10:22

How come you've lost friends along the way OP?

Did you see less of them, or did they hate old scrooge?

SevenStones · 27/03/2018 10:28

He may well have come on here to make you look stupid, but he's failed miserably. He's the one who has now proved what a prize prick he is.

Good luck!

Original poster

prenupdebate · 27/03/2018 10:30

@blit both. Like I say there’s more to the problems that I won’t go into but unfortunately it’s had an impact on my friendships

OP posts:

Blit · 27/03/2018 10:43

Good friends will return now he's off the scene, hopefully.

inlectorecumbit · 27/03/2018 10:46

You have made the right decision OP
Good luck for the future..but l am sure you won't need it

Original poster

prenupdebate · 27/03/2018 10:53

I hope so. It’s worth mentioning I’m actually old compared to his previous partners, to the point where he has told me I look good for my age. It was part of my concerns regarding prenup - what happens when he trades me in for a younger model lol.
I suspect he prefers younger women because we’re more naive and easier to control

OP posts:

TempusEejit · 27/03/2018 11:34

You look good for your age? WTAF??!!! God you are well rid of this wanker for that in itself let alone the money side of things.

By the way don't refer to yourself as stupid, it's much easier to see the whole picture when you're standing back a bit rather than up real close. My ex was like yours except without the money. You'd only be acting stupid if you allowed him back into your life now that your eyes have been opened.

Onwards and upwards

bastardkitty · 27/03/2018 11:39

He's got massive issues with sex as well. It's so obvious. What a catch. I wish you well OP. The only way is up!

Original poster

prenupdebate · 27/03/2018 11:46

What do you mean @bastardkitty ?

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 27/03/2018 11:47

I mean he's got massive issues and I'm sure sex is one of them. He's controlling and only interested in much younger women. Sex issues go with the territory.

Original poster

prenupdebate · 27/03/2018 11:50

@bastardkitty yes I'd say you're right :( we broke up before and got together on the condition he had counselling however it's had little to no effect

OP posts:

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