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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Prenup advice

217 replies

prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 11:41

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Basically, myself and my partner of almost 18 months have been thinking about marriage. Although this should be a happy and exciting time, we're unable to think seriously about it until we're both confident that we have the right processes in place... i.e. a prenup. My partner earns approx. £80k and is 34, has a lot of assets whereas I have very little. I have an ok job (around £20k and I'm 25) that doesn't pay loads, but I get by and we have both agreed it is ideal for when we have children as it's 'safe' and has good benefits.
I am more than happy to sign a prenup that will protect his assets - his house, car, savings and most importantly his company. These are all things he has done for himself before we even met, I have not earned them nor do I deserve or want them. What worries me is he seems to think this attitude should continue after marriage - that property, savings etc should remain his as 'he' will be buying them and that most likely our finances would be completely separate. He's very wishy washy on what he believes I would deserve if we marry and I give up work to become a mother to his kids and a glorified housekeeper.
I gave him a scenario that if we (or HE as he sees it) acquire £300k of assets over a 15 year marriage and have 2 kids, what would he see as a fair settlement and he couldn't answer. I said all I care about is knowing that if I have his children I will be able to put a roof over their heads and he said he doesn't see why he should give me a house in the case of divorce.
The whole thing is very unromantic, and I'm starting to see that perhaps he will always see his money as his money, no matter how much I sacrifice and the effort I put into him/us/our family. I'm very good to him, I give him all my time, I buy all the groceries and cook for him daily despite still living separately, and he knows I'll take care of him always, I often feel like he takes this for granted.
Am I being unreasonable here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership. If my parents had got divorced I'm certain my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of giving my Mum anything less than 50/50 despite the fact he technically 'paid' for the house, cars etc.
Please let me know your thoughts, as this is causing me a lot of heartache... I love him very much but I can't help but wonder if I want to be with a man who puts money above the ones he loves. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship that he doesn't pay enough for IMO.
I am not a gold digger, although I'm sure some will say I am. I have no interest in his existing assets and if he is made bankrupt tomorrow I'd still love him exactly the same. I'm simply concerned that if we marry, he'll makes his fortune, he'll leave me with a couple of kids and I'll be left with absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:20

Crying at my desk now! I was hoping for some constructive advice however everyone seems to think I should leave, which is what I was hoping not to hear

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/03/2018 12:20

Not supporting his DC is a clear indicator of what kind of man he is, too. He puts himself first. He will always put himself first.

Don't worry yourself about his ex - he should be doing everything he can for his children.

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2018 12:20

Do you pay for the kids food and treats at yours as well?

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2018 12:23

You come across as a really nice lady, he sees that as something to exploit to,his advantage, he will crush your spirit and confidence

Step back lovely and re think 💐

villamariavintrapp · 26/03/2018 12:23

Even without having children he is benefiting from you now-you're looking after him, cooking, shopping, caring. And once you have children he will also presumably benefit more from you providing childcare etc. If you didn't do those things perhaps he wouldn't be in the position to earn so much without spending.. It's very selfish of him to only want things to be 'fair' as long as it works in his favour.

RandomDreams · 26/03/2018 12:24

Ditch him, he is not a nice guy.

lostincumbria · 26/03/2018 12:25

This is so sad. He seems to value his money more than you. Anyone entering a marriage without wanting money to be split fairly isn't worth of you.

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:27

He always says how he is fair, however I pointed out that when he has so much, and earns so much more sometimes 50/50 isn't what is fair especially when I put in more effort. He doesn't spoil me by any means, and when things have been tight for me there have been times where I wish he'd just cover certain things but he doesn't. He actually, for once, bought me some items this weekend, then when we rowed about this prenup he cancelled the order.

OP posts:
Agpie · 26/03/2018 12:27

He sees women as money grabbers, all the same. That includes you OP.

Tinkerbellx · 26/03/2018 12:28

I've been with my partner only 12 months but he earns around 60 -70k and I far less .
We hope to live together renting initially then mortgage / marriage maybe but discussed finances . We're both a lot older than you .

He is very much of the thought that it all goes into one pot if we live together but that I should protect my current equity as I have children .
He is a kind generous man and while I don't expect him to be so generous I would not entertain the idea of him hoarding his own money while I potentially put my career / pension on hold to bring up our family ( if I was your age ).
He doesn't exactly sound like a catch I'm sorry OP .

Agpie · 26/03/2018 12:29

Your last post is scary OP.

TempusEejit · 26/03/2018 12:30

Think how many hundreds of thousands of pounds it costs to raise children from birth to adulthood, plus the hit on your career (or expensive childcare costs). Even if on paper his ex has done well I bet she'll still be taking much more of a financial hit long term raising those kids than your partner will.

He doesn't view you as an equal and tbf you're not acting like you expect to be treated as his equal e.g. why are you doing all the cooking and setting up the expectation that he is above you?

LexieLulu · 26/03/2018 12:31

He sounds financially controlling. I think you should send him a link to this thread to see if he realises what he's doing?

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:31

And yes, I adore his children and treat them like they're my own

OP posts:
LexieLulu · 26/03/2018 12:33

And maybe you should find legal advice (is there a legal part of MN?) and ask if assets post marriage are part of prenup? As I would think anything from when you've had kids or marriage should be split.

Not being rude about this man, but would he make you and your children homeless to protect his assets?

TempusEejit · 26/03/2018 12:34

Do you cook for his kids when they come to see your partner? Do you do other stuff for them?

Guiltypleasures001 · 26/03/2018 12:34

Hi op

Sorry I meant do you pay for their up keep if they are at yours as well as his food etc, does he give you money for their food treats etc

Agpie · 26/03/2018 12:35

Is ex is obviously doing a good job raising his children, she probably really loved him once. Think about it OP.

Original poster
prenupdebate · 26/03/2018 12:37

He usually does a food shop on the weekends they come, I'll get little bits but nothing major! I love him very much and with all my heart but this has all been bothering me and I'm worried I'm wasting my time

OP posts:
TheHumanMothboy · 26/03/2018 12:38

So he's already controlling you? As soon as you "step out of line", he cancels the items you need?
Sad

MynameisJune · 26/03/2018 12:39

Leave and never look back.

You are young, you will meet a decent guy but your current partner is not a decent guy. He treats his ex and his kids like crap. He is showing you exactly how he would treat you and your kids if you ever ended up in that situation. Take note and get out before you put yourself there.

Mum DH earns 100k plus, I earn about half of that. He pays all the household bills, I contribute to food and pay majority of childcare fees. We use my salary for luxury stuff but mostly I get to spend it however I want.

I know that if we got divorced he would make sure that our DC had everything they needed to detriment of himself because he adores our DC.

Decent men don’t use money as a weapon especially not when it hurts their children.

MynameisJune · 26/03/2018 12:40

My not mum 🙄

MarieG10 · 26/03/2018 12:42

Pre-nups are not legally enforceable. The courts can take account of them but will over ride them if everyone's needs are not being met, particularly the children. However, there are some suggestions, although years off reality making them legally enforceable.

Any pre-nup you sign won't be enforceable unless both parties receive independent legal advice. I suggest that you take advice and see what the position is. In any event, the longer the marriage the less they are a factor. From what I understand, courts are taking a dimmer view of pre marital assets being split unless there is a need to make provision. I would be surprised if he received independent advice telling him that he could absolutely protect in a pre-nup any assets acquired or built up after the marriage

Clearly he feels very bruised from his previous experience, whether it was right or wrong what is ex did.

Perhaps you do need to decide whether marriage is right for you both as even if you go ahead, this could carry on being a contentious issue for you which isn't really a good way to start a marriage.

Agpie · 26/03/2018 12:42

Mothboy has it, he's already punishing you for not agreeing with him.

isthismylifenow · 26/03/2018 12:43

He calls his ex money grabbing but he doesn't support his children who are in her care....

He cancelled a gift he had bought you after you had a disagreement about this....

He wont help you out when he is able to...

Just a few things that ring alarm bells.

You are so very young OP. A year and a half is not a long time.... what is the rush to get married?

I would definitely not marry this man. You already know you will live controlled by finances.