Prenup advice

[prenupdebate]

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Basically, myself and my partner of almost 18 months have been thinking about marriage. Although this should be a happy and exciting time, we're unable to think seriously about it until we're both confident that we have the right processes in place... i.e. a prenup. My partner earns approx. £80k and is 34, has a lot of assets whereas I have very little. I have an ok job (around £20k and I'm 25) that doesn't pay loads, but I get by and we have both agreed it is ideal for when we have children as it's 'safe' and has good benefits.
I am more than happy to sign a prenup that will protect his assets - his house, car, savings and most importantly his company. These are all things he has done for himself before we even met, I have not earned them nor do I deserve or want them. What worries me is he seems to think this attitude should continue after marriage - that property, savings etc should remain his as 'he' will be buying them and that most likely our finances would be completely separate. He's very wishy washy on what he believes I would deserve if we marry and I give up work to become a mother to his kids and a glorified housekeeper.
I gave him a scenario that if we (or HE as he sees it) acquire £300k of assets over a 15 year marriage and have 2 kids, what would he see as a fair settlement and he couldn't answer. I said all I care about is knowing that if I have his children I will be able to put a roof over their heads and he said he doesn't see why he should give me a house in the case of divorce.
The whole thing is very unromantic, and I'm starting to see that perhaps he will always see his money as his money, no matter how much I sacrifice and the effort I put into him/us/our family. I'm very good to him, I give him all my time, I buy all the groceries and cook for him daily despite still living separately, and he knows I'll take care of him always, I often feel like he takes this for granted.
Am I being unreasonable here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership. If my parents had got divorced I'm certain my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of giving my Mum anything less than 50/50 despite the fact he technically 'paid' for the house, cars etc.
Please let me know your thoughts, as this is causing me a lot of heartache... I love him very much but I can't help but wonder if I want to be with a man who puts money above the ones he loves. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship that he doesn't pay enough for IMO.
I am not a gold digger, although I'm sure some will say I am. I have no interest in his existing assets and if he is made bankrupt tomorrow I'd still love him exactly the same. I'm simply concerned that if we marry, he'll makes his fortune, he'll leave me with a couple of kids and I'll be left with absolutely nothing.

I hope you will cut him loose and not waste any more of your precious time on him. He's not worthy.

I'm glad you've seen the light.

I feel like our relationship has come across much worse than it is

I used to post here about a relationship. We're of the same age. Everyone would tell me to leave, tell me how much better it could be, just like they have with you. I always told myself I'd misrepresented the relationship and it was better than it had looked; that I'd somehow made him seem worse.

It wasn't true. I'm out now and I can see that. Current DP is amazing; I couldn't be happier. It won't feel like it now, but you'll find that too. A happiness and a generosity you didn't know exists.

(And for what it's worth; DP would give me his last fiver if I needed it, and I'd do the same. Neither of us earns £80k; but we treat each other well. That's what you do for people you love)

It won't feel like it now, but you'll find that too. A happiness and a generosity you didn't know exists.

It's true, you will. You keep saying you feel stupid, but I think you've across as very astute. I only wish I'd been half as quick at your age. It took me until 33 (!) to leave my tight arse bastard of an ex, and the years I wasted on him still haunt me.

There are good men out there though, so don't be put off. Once you meet someone kind and generous, who treats you as an actual partner, you'll wonder how you survived with this miserable man. It's like stepping into a hot bath after a lifetime of cold showers.

Onwards and upwards, OP! You've had a lucky escape.

I’ve been stupid and you’ve made me see that
You have not been stupid.
You knew something was not right.
You posted and you've taken that step back to see this for it is.
That's not stupid at all.
Get back in touch with your friends.
When they know he's out of the way they will want to be back in your life.
Good luck OP.
You are smart and young and you are gonna have a great life now that dick-head has been kicked to the curb!
Get out and do what 25 YO are meant to do.
Enjoy, party, dance, drink......

How ironic, he's been deleted.

What a cock!

OP, think most of us can read between the lines regarding this tight-fisted twunt. He is financially abusive and it appears part of his overall controlling behaviour. I would not be surprised if he engineered conflict and problems between you and your friends, constantly shifting goal posts to isolate you more and more. With the shift in unreasonable behaviour, you end up accepting really outrageous behaviour because he kept pushing your boundaries. His meanness is symptomatic and far beyond just monetary stinginess. You appear to rank very low overall and this will never be an equal relationship. I reckon if you had an honest chat with his ex, you would find massive parallels. He probably drove her to take extreme measures and she had to formulate an exit plan to ensure that she and her kids have some stability. I honestly don’t believe his meanness is a result of him having been ‘stung’ by his ex, on the contrary, that is him all along and probably lead to his ex to take such drastic action! He and you both confirmed that you earn so much less and work less, hence you do the vast bulk of cooking etc. So, he is exploiting you as an unpaid housekeeper and has the gall to get you to pay for the shopping! Look, I work from home and do far fewer hours, as well as having no commute and enjoy cooking for my DH, so I cook in the week, while he spoils me on weekends. He earns a lot more than me and pays for all the weekly shopping and every week he includes some thoughtful treats and luxuries, mostly stuff he doesn’t eat himself. Yep, even though he works long hours, he does the bulk of the weekly shopping on the weekend for us because I really don’t like it. We giggle about him being the hunter/gatherer hunting for his family in Sainsburys. That’s what people who love each other do. Without any ulterior motive! Because my income doesn’t match his, we agreed right at the start of our relationship, even before our marriage that we would not go mad with birthday/anniversary presents but get each other something thoughtful and/or fun. However, he often surprises me with more generous gifts throughout the year. Those come with no strings attached and are stuff purely for me to do, like expensive classes for a new hobby etc. That’s the whole point of a gift that it is special to the person receiving it. Your (ex) OH boasted about paying for trips but it is obvious that this is entirely self-serving and also not entirely true because you still have to chip in what is proportionally a very high amount for you. As for his comment about you looking good for your age, OMG! What a price prick! If you’re going to be a young trophy girlfriend, then you should at least be raking in the financial rewards! Please bin Scrooge McDuck and leave him alone to dive into his money pool!

@prenupdebate

You sound like a lovely woman ... who he's taken advantage of.

I know what you mean when you say there's so much more. It's sometimes embarrassing to admit these things...because you feel silly. I've felt foolish in the past myself.

These men never change. No wonder his Ex left...You don't know what she went through to make her the person she is.

You can find a nicer kinder younger man. Good luck to him being the richest person in the graveyard.

Run for the hills!!!! I would just say "I am not signing a prenup!!!" I said that to my husband before we got married and he accepted that if he wanted to marry ME, there would be no prenup. He earned way more then me and pays for everything now as we have two kids and I do not work anymore.

@temptressofwaikiki your post made me smile and feel a little sad too, what a lovely partner you appear to have! There have been many times I've commented on how much we proportionally spend on each other but have always been told I'm ungrateful and why should I expect to gain more than being with someone on an average salary. As time has gone on I began to believe I was being ungrateful which probably lead to me putting even more into the relationship, as if I had something to prove.
I've said about the costs of not just food, but fuel going to see him 6 out of 7 days a week, as he lives out of the way of my home and work. His argument was he could come to me more, however I live with my friend and tbh she doesn't like him much so we agreed it was easier I continue staying at his.
He has suggested things to help me out financially, like if I moved in with him it would be rent free, this would enable me to pay my debt and have more disposable income. However he owns his house so this wouldn't put him out at all. Plus tbh I didn't want to.
I would love more than anything a relationship like the one you describe. You're very lucky. I'm aware no relationship is perfect, and I'm not looking for perfect, however I know there's better than this. I can count on one hand the amount of gifts I have received that are 'just for me' and they are far less than what I have got just for him. Like I say, I was thinking/hoping it was all going to end up being worth it but the last few days have shown me it'll only get worse.
I have a feeling that if I was to stay, he would continue making his fortune and he would dump me for someone younger/more attractive at some point. I'm glad I've taken the step back to assess the situation, and I'm so grateful for everybody's support and for forcing me to see how it really is.
I love his kids massively and they're the ones I really care about in all of this as I'm old enough to look after myself. I hope he's read and listened to everyone's comments and decides to do the right thing regarding them.

@SandyY2K that last sentence made me laugh. And thank you very much. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the kindness of strangers since starting this thread!

I hope he's read and listened to everyone's comments and decides to do the right thing regarding them.

I doubt it, he'll be blaming those stupid bitter feminist man-hating left wing women on mumsnet for shit-stirring in what was a perfectly good relationship and none of us realise just how lucky you were that someone like him would be interested in someone like you.

How are you feeling today OP, are you ok?

@TempusEejit that was certainly his attitude yesterday, I just hope he's slept on it and sees differently.
I'm OK, I got upset earlier today but I'll be alright. It's more a shock because I came here for advice on one thing and instead ended up highlighting the massive flaws in his character which forced me to see what a mug I was. I'm both embarrassed and angry

You're definitely not stupid OP. He's older and a practised manipulator. I agree you sound smart and generally fab. You learned a life lesson. Some of us took decades to see through the gaslighting. Interesting that your flatmate doesn't like him. People like him are much easier to see through from a distance.

Whatever you do, don't give him a second chance. Personally, I've never understood why anyone who's childfree and young would go with someone who has little kids, it seems a lot of unnecessary baggage and complications, but in the future, try to minimise people who are so full of drama.

Really glad you don't live together.

This man will NEVER change. The reason he targets younger women is because they buy his bullshit.

@expatinscotland he actually didn’t tell me he had kids! I Facebook stalked him a couple of weeks after we met and found out that way. Also thanks for your many wonderful comments
@bastardkitty thanks for all your great posts too, like I said before I’ve received so much great advice and I’m so grateful I started this thread! I can’t thank everyone individually but just wanted to say how much it means

In sincere and loving relationship it's absolutely normal to share everything. I think OP, he is already showing yoyour place. You are a step below him.

You're grieving the future you thought you had with this man, it's a massive emotional upheaval when your eyes are opened isn't it? But you deserve so much better and at least you know you can trust your instincts next time.

I found it ironically amusing that your ex chose the username Dadto2amazingkids, so amazing that you don't pay for them properly eh? Knobber.

But you have been happy to have a relationship with someone who supposedly doesn't support his children, surely if it mattered to you that much you wouldn't have considered marrying him.
I'm assuming there is a legal financial agreement in place with him and his ex that he sticks to?
I agree with a pre nup I think he should protect his pre marriatal assets.He has worked hard to build what he has.
As for paying for things while you are together. You don't live with eachother so surely you are both responsible for your own bills/ifestyle expenses etc. I get you buy the evening meals but why wouldn't you if you are eating at his every night, I would expect this to be a 50 50 agreement.
Obviously if you take a career break and have children then the situation should change and if you split after children then obviously your financial settlement and housing arrangements should reflect this but children aren't a meal ticket. Surely his responsibility should start and end with paying his share of financing his children not the lifestyle of a woman he is no longer married to.

@alittlebitconfused1 I think you misunderstood. I said that he did previously pay what I believed was fair, however when they argued about more money he cut this pretty much in half, it was around this point I became worried and prenups etc came up. They don’t go through the CSA.
I also don’t understand why you’re saying he should protect his assets, when I have said that I am more than happy for that to be the case? He earned them before meeting me so I do not feel I am entitled to them.
I think most people’s point about the groceries is it seemed unfair I was paying for the food for us both 6 out of 7 days a week and also cooking etc seems unfair if he does not so much in return.
I’m unsure how I have ever said that children are a meal ticket? This all started by me wanting it to be reflected that in the case of divorce, IF I was to have children we wouldn’t be left with nothing if I’ve given up work

Whatever you do, don't give him a second chance. Personally, I've never understood why anyone who's childfree and young would go with someone who has little kids, it seems a lot of unnecessary baggage and complications, but in the future, try to minimise people who are so full of drama.

Thank God my Husband did!

Personally, I've never understood why anyone who's childfree and young would go with someone who has little kids, it seems a lot of unnecessary baggage and complications

I agree with this. You're in your prime and can afford to be picky. You don't need the baggage.

Saw your post about how he didn't tell you about the kids straight away.

He's a master manipulator. No man should make you feel you ought to be grateful in the manner he has.

When you're with someone most of your friends don't like ...it's usually because they've seen through him. When you're in love..You push those well meant comments aside and just keep defending the person.

Your kind heart and genuine personality shine through in everything you write here. He's lost a wonderful woman in you.

All the riches in the world don't get you real love.... he'll find out the hard way.

I think you know the answer in your heart...and plenty of people have said it. You can be free and single with no kids, free to find someone with no baggage and the need to argue about his wealth. Find someone who loves you unconditionally so you don't have to negotiate marriage as a business arrangement.

There will be plenty of others that will want him and happy to sign a worthless agreement

update
So. EX bf contacted me after all of this apologising profusely, agreeing that in hindsight the way he had been in the relationship wasn't great and painted a picture of how it was going to be should I give him another chance. This included going back to cooking for each other, paying for more than he did previously, treating me from time to time to show how much I mean, no pre nup etc etc. I said that I wouldn't even consider meeting to talk about another chance if he didn't do the right thing and set up a new and fair agreement with mother of the kids. He agreed this was the right thing to do, and said he had messaged the mother with a new and generous weekly amount.
I began thinking that maybe he did actually want to change, and all it took was this thread to make him see the error of his ways. WRONG. I contacted the mother and asked if he had made contact in regards to a new agreement, she said he had. I was over the moon, however she started to begin sounding like she felt it still wasn't enough. I responded saying I actually felt £x was rather generous, to which she laughed and laughed. Turns out, he has lied to me the whole time about how much he was ever paying, he had been paying little over the bare minimum. He had actually contacted her suggesting HALF of what he had promised me he was going to pay. You won't be surprised to hear she then went on to tell me a lot of home truths and confirmed what a lot of you suggested he would have been like. When he found out I had contacted his ex partner he said he was going to pay what the CSA say (very very little) and tell the kids that it was ME who ruined it for them.
I can't be with someone who refuses to support his kids, not only that but LIE to everyone to hide the fact he is a despicable human being.
Safe to say, I LTB :) he's already on tinder, bless.

What a narrow escape, prenup. You have so much going for you, you didn't need a lying tightwad with baggage. I'd work on your boundaries, too, his not telling you he had kids should have been dealbreaker and numerous other things, long ago. That you even entertained taking him back is a bit scary.