Prenup advice

[prenupdebate]

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Basically, myself and my partner of almost 18 months have been thinking about marriage. Although this should be a happy and exciting time, we're unable to think seriously about it until we're both confident that we have the right processes in place... i.e. a prenup. My partner earns approx. £80k and is 34, has a lot of assets whereas I have very little. I have an ok job (around £20k and I'm 25) that doesn't pay loads, but I get by and we have both agreed it is ideal for when we have children as it's 'safe' and has good benefits.
I am more than happy to sign a prenup that will protect his assets - his house, car, savings and most importantly his company. These are all things he has done for himself before we even met, I have not earned them nor do I deserve or want them. What worries me is he seems to think this attitude should continue after marriage - that property, savings etc should remain his as 'he' will be buying them and that most likely our finances would be completely separate. He's very wishy washy on what he believes I would deserve if we marry and I give up work to become a mother to his kids and a glorified housekeeper.
I gave him a scenario that if we (or HE as he sees it) acquire £300k of assets over a 15 year marriage and have 2 kids, what would he see as a fair settlement and he couldn't answer. I said all I care about is knowing that if I have his children I will be able to put a roof over their heads and he said he doesn't see why he should give me a house in the case of divorce.
The whole thing is very unromantic, and I'm starting to see that perhaps he will always see his money as his money, no matter how much I sacrifice and the effort I put into him/us/our family. I'm very good to him, I give him all my time, I buy all the groceries and cook for him daily despite still living separately, and he knows I'll take care of him always, I often feel like he takes this for granted.
Am I being unreasonable here? I always thought a marriage was an equal partnership. If my parents had got divorced I'm certain my Dad wouldn't have dreamed of giving my Mum anything less than 50/50 despite the fact he technically 'paid' for the house, cars etc.
Please let me know your thoughts, as this is causing me a lot of heartache... I love him very much but I can't help but wonder if I want to be with a man who puts money above the ones he loves. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship that he doesn't pay enough for IMO.
I am not a gold digger, although I'm sure some will say I am. I have no interest in his existing assets and if he is made bankrupt tomorrow I'd still love him exactly the same. I'm simply concerned that if we marry, he'll makes his fortune, he'll leave me with a couple of kids and I'll be left with absolutely nothing.

OP, are you aware that your boyfriend has come on here and started his own thread about this? Which rather bears out PP who said he sounds controlling, and manipulative. Because it is pretty controlling and manipulative, coming onto a space where you're already seeking advice and support, and trying to discredit your version of events. Another vote for LTB here. You're 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it on this nasty bastard.

To be fair OP showed him the thread.

Just get the document done .... why on earth should someone take what they didn't bring into a relationship?

I don't think your DP is being unreasonable... I would sign the document... if you can't sign the document then don't stay in the relationship.

I know she did, and it was clearly a bad idea, but I still don't think it justifies him coming here and trying to seize control of the conversation. It just smacks a bit of her...not being allowed anything of her own.

What bonjour said.
Starting his own thread with great chunks of info missing, is his way of saying 'see, I am right and you are wrong. Now shut up amd do as you are told'. If he cared what you think, he'd be gutted that you had to start a thread about him in the first place and would be desperate to resolve things with you. Instead, he has come into a place that you thought was safe to discuss your feelings to try and prove he is right.
That's not love. That's manipulation.

As I said on his thread, slugging it out on here means this relationship is dead.

And his other thread is your biggest warning. He's manipulative and financially abusive. He will continue to manipulate you by throwing you sweeties from time to time because this is what abusive people do. Please, please, wake up and smell the coffee. A person who doesn't pay all that he/she can for his/her kids out of spite for an ex is only one thing: a twat.

It's NOT about the document. It's about fundamental meanness. And please, stop buying his fucking grocery shopping when you don't even live together! Better yet, LTB.

I've just read his thread. If it were me, I'd be ending this relationship. Sorry. I've been through a horrific divorce and finances through court. He is telling you what he is. Please listen.

He is also a dog pissing on OP’s territory. Shameful.

AndTheBankPlayedOn My ex-h did the same to me on my long running threads where I had a lot of support. He also produced them in court. It's not OK.

AndTheBAND Freudian slip there...!

Gah just lost my post!

Anyway op. You're young and sound absolutely lovely and kind and you don't want to end up with a miserly man who begrudges his own children what he can amply afford.

I guarantee you'll be put on a modest allowance that will be curtailed or withdrawn depending on how much he deems you've earned it.

So yes, go out, get a great job, have fun and grow your career. Then when you meet someone who loves and respects you and treats you as an equal and values you for you and no for your bank account then you can think about marriage and kids. Let mcscrooge sit on his pile of money counting it by himself.

Thanks for all your lovely posts. I’m incredibly embarrassed by everything that’s happened today, I took some earlier advice about showing him this post to show how I felt and how I wasn’t alone in feeling this way, however I see now that was a stupid thing to do and has left me feeling utterly humiliated.
Apologies to everyone who has got involved. On the plus side my interview went well despite a pretty shitty day

Good luck and fingers crossed for the job you interviewed for.

A very good rule of thumb in any relationship is to never ever marry someone thinking/expecting they’ll change for the better once you’re married.
It’s never happened that I’ve heard of, mostly the crappy traits get worse.

I’ve a friend who divorced her hugely abusive husband, I was asked to act as mediator to help them split assets. They had five children.
The bastard insisted he’s eldest teen dc be present during the negotiations. And he didn’t want to discuss any financial split, he wanted to rant at me how his soon to be ex wife was worthless how she hadn’t worked for most of their marriage and how he paid for everything for her. I told him I had nothing to do with their marital set up, however the fact his wife had stayed home and reared their children taking a hit on her own earning potential then re-entering the employment market at the bottom rung when youngest was at school, had enabled him to reach the pinnacle of his career with verylittle financial impact.
He was a bastard and I still feel deeply sorry for his children.

I just remembered her when I read your post.

I really wish you a wonderful happy love filled life with someone who deserves you and treats you as his equal.

There's no need to be embarrassed. He's embarrassed himself, not you. You sound lovely, and he - I'm sorry to say - sounds like a bit of a tit.

To echo what PP have said, it's unlikely he'll improve after marriage. Meanness goes to the bone, and behaviour tends to deteriorate after marriage/children/some tangible commitment that makes it hard for the woman to walk away. Also, he's 34, so his attitudes are probably quite ingrained by now.

You sound instinctively generous (and not just with money; witness the way you have accepted his children, and love spending time with them) and you're probably judging him by your own standards. But he's not a nice as you, which is why he started his thread. He wants to 'win', by browbeating you into submission.

Good news about your interview, though. Hope you get it. Sorry you've had a rotten day

I could've written your post 10 years ago. Met older man with child from previous relationship, fell madly in love, got engaged, then he asked for a pre-nup, citing the same reasons. Lots of counselling session later to look at trust issues in relationship, then agreement to marry without a prenup. 10 years and 2 kids later, found out that he was saving his own money, lying about earnings whereas I was heading to burnout from stressing job and limited help at home. My earnings were the family's and his were mostly his. Just getting to the end of the most acrimonious divorce in history! He fought viciously for the children to share their time with us 50:50, quit his job and all the same madness they go through to protect their finances. Thankfully, I have built up career over the years or else, he would've had me on the streets!

We split up because I realised he was all about him (financially) and refused to disclose his finances to prove he couldn't contribute to family anymore...

To cut a very long story short...

Run! Now!

I know somebody like him, although much wealthier. His wife is very unhappy, he treats her like his skivvy. The wife has to answer for every penny she spends despite the H being worth millions. He not surprisingly does not lift a finger round the house, neither does he put any effort into raising his children. He wouldn’t let her get any domestic help either.

Your gut is trying to tell you something. You are a lovely lady and care about others which your BF blatantly abuses. I don’t know how he can live with himself when he makes you buy and cook his food on your £20K income when his income is over £80k. He sees you beneath him and it is going to get so much worse when you become vulnerable and dependent on him, e.g get pregnant or have to look after young children. Run as fast as your young legs can carry you!

OP, I am so worried for you...if you don't listen to me, please listen to Fuzzy and Captain. My own ex-h said I had made "zero financial contribution to the marriage" in court, yet I had a City job, paid our mortgage while he was building his career and business, it suited him to say that as I had stupidly given it all up to have a baby 11 years into our marriage at 42 years old. I made huge mistakes, left myself financially vulnerable when previously I had been anything but. Don't marry this man. He attitude is "what's mine is mine", that won't change, he won't change. Please find yourself somebody worthy of you....he most certainly is not.

Also, I still can't get past the petty minded twat cancelling an online order to teach you a lesson...I do hope he's reading this. MN is awash with women who have been screwed over by people like him. Listen to us OP...

Wow. I feel sad. He does sound a bit selfish OP. I married my DH at the age of 22 when he was in his 30s. He already had a small house mortgage free and stocks and shares isa savings. He was a student but now earns about the same as your DF (if my DHwere working full time). Prenup never discussed. I earn about 40k but he pays for almost everything. I think he is very generous but I think your finance is too much the other way and could greatly abuse your financial insecurity and dependence on you if you were to marry. Sorry. I know that leaves you in a tricky situtation.

On a tangent, did he propose to you?

And marriage is a risk. He isn't ready for marriage. Maybe have fun for a year or two but then move on

This isn't just about money though, is it? You said he had made other serious mistakes, one of which caused you to break up.

That's a lot of bad stuff for 18 months in.

How would he feel if you had a join account and both put 30% of your salary in their each month?

Alternatively both ensure that you end up with the same amount of money eg £1000 LEFT in your personal account and the rest is put into joint (this would give you equal standing).

I wouldn't worry OP, his mask's slipping a bit on the other thread. I presume you're not round his cooking tonight.

Surprising how many people think that equal means 'the same'.

Tbh I see now he’s not a nice person no matter how much I want him to be. He’s come on here to make me look stupid, I know what was said and what he has claimed is wrong. He has hurt me emotionally so many times and now today this has got too much.
Thank you for all your lovely words, it means so much. It has been a relief to talk openly and honestly as I’ve always lied to friends and family in order to protect him and save face, although all my friends and majority of family have wanted me to leave for months now anyway.
I so desperately wanted to make him happy that I’ve made myself miserable, hopefully something better will come along soon.