He tells me what to do

[AnotherMrLizard]

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

This how it starts OP, it will only get worse.

The kindness is a lie. The controlling behaviour is the true person behind his mask of sweetness.

I should be allowed to say when something is making me feel uncomfortable and have those feelings listened to without having accusations of being of poor character though, shouldn't I?

OK, so hopefully the fact that lots of different people are all posting that this guy is a bad partner, will give you some faith in your judgement. We all agree he's not a good person to be with. It's him you can't trust. Don't contact him again. If he contacts you, send one message saying you've realised you're not well suited so it's over. Then ignore anything else.

Run fast. But never pick your teeth in public - that's really gross.

OP someone who cares about you cares about your feelings and would be horrified to think they had hurt your feelings

Two months?! Bugger that, sack him off op!

@LittleMyLikesSnuffkin fair point, you're quite right

Brilliant idea from Rowena. And fart as you walk away, doesn't have to be a real one. Just blow a raspberry.

he is nice and generous to you then brings you down with the comments that's what abusers do, the next step will be to give you a slap to keep you in line!! He probably knows about your Aspergers and how to get to you. You don't deserve this, there is nothing wrong with your character he is the one with the problem. Please let us know you've got rid of him.

Run. And fast.

Oh gosh this was me 11 years ago! I’m an Aspie too so when the controlling stuff started I did as I was told. It took months for me to realise that actually I was miserable, he was a controlling dick. It took a week away with my sister to open my eyes. The funniest thing was that he was shocked when I dumped him - he didn’t think I’d have the guts to dump him!

Please look back at this thread. Not one poster says he’s okay, or that you should keep trying. Everyone says run. I know it’s hard when you’ve had someone telling you what to do but trust, he will only make you miserable and it will only get worse.

Run away as fast as you can....

It's all of 2 months. Get rid.

The break of communication you are on with him needs to become permanent. He will continue to control, undermine and exploit you if you remain at all with him.

You have been in an abusive relationship; this person targeted you to abuse because he has seen something within you he can and has indeed exploited. You have not been oversensitive and he has acted appallingly throughout your time together.

Please enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this asap. It will help you with boundaries in relationships.

NO-ONE has the right to order you around, or make you do as you are told. This man is truly horrible to you.

Please listen to everyone on here, you have to get out of this relationship NOW.

OP i think you know the answer yourself. Sorry but you should definitely get out NOW!!! His controlling behaviour will only get worse. You sound like a lovely person and deserve better than being made to feel inferior.

Now block all communications from him. Completely. You do NOT need this ridiculous man in your life. And he is ridiculous - who the fuck does he think he is?

But you do need to take a look at why you didn't howl with laughter and tell him to fuck off when he started this bullshit. Was your father (or an older sibling) a controlling bully? Have you worked for a highly critical employer? Those things might make some prick ordering you around seem comfortingly familiar but it doesn't make them healthy.

It may be the case that you have some BDSM inclinations, of course, and find the idea of being dominated exciting. BUT a healthy kink relationship is negotiated, explored and consensual. It's not about one person just deciding that the other is their submissive, and this man is an abusive arsehole who most people on the kink scene would point and laugh at.

Run Forest, run.

PLEASE do NOT do what Rowena says .
.
Just block , and walk , dont go back and dont try an explain, he could turn nasty/violent ..

He does NOT love you and he has NOT got your best interests at heart

I once was married to one of these , it was all talk until the day it wasn't..(and it turned physical)

Please just get away now.

I dont usually write on these threads but I am writing to you,, because THIS MAN is AN ABUSER

Run for the fucking hills. Controlling, maniipulative bastard.

Nobody has the right to tell you what to do.

He is showing you who he is. Listen.

Get out OP. I'm with everyone else on this. You sound lovely and he sounds awful. You can do much better.

And you are putting up with this because???!!!!!

And if he does turn nasty after you cut him off don’t hesitate in calling the police and reporting him. Nasty being: violent, turning up to your home, work, somewhere you go by habit, phoning/texting/social media/email contact, harassing your friends and family, any kind of threats even if you don’t think he means it. Report it.

Also tell people what’s happened. Friends and family so they know and can deal with him appropriately if he starts bothering you and them. Abusers all thrive on their victims silence. They deserve to be outed.