He tells me what to do

[AnotherMrLizard]

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

He's just been bullying me again. He's been telling me about how I've got two sides to me and I'm always starting arguments with him. He described me contacting him to make up as harassment and then said that I'd wormed my way back in with him. He said I could only see him if i didn't try to stand up for myself, basically.

Thanks for the sympathy :(

Horrible man continues to be horrible shocker.

Do you really see this getting better? Really? And do you think you deserve this kind of treatment?

No one can help you until you help yourself.

It’s only been 2 months. You coped perfectly well without him 2 months ago, you will cope again.

You’ve went back to an abusive dick who would have left you alone on the basis it was stressful to block him.

What on earth did you expect? Is it just sympathy you want because he treats you bad?

Seriously, tell him to bugger off and delete him from your Facebook. Then get on with your life.

Ok, I'm not coming back to this thread

Hugs

He is now going to firmly lay down the line that it's your fault for being 'oversensitive' but if you shut up and do as you're told then he will graciously have you back.

You don't need to reply. Any reply will be twisted and used against you and if you don't reply it will drive him crazy.

Do you want him to continue to erode at your self worth until there is nothing left? You are seeing him at his best. You are allowed to say, I don't want to carry on with this and you don't need to give a reason. You are allowed not to reply to any messages from him. You do not need to give a reason why you do not reply.

More hugs. It sounds like he is very expert.

OP, what you should be doing is getting out of this horrible relationship. Everyone on this thread without exception agrees he is bad news.

OP I get it. I dated someone like that and it drove me to the brink of insanity. He had me convinced I was a worthless toxic human. He kept knocking me down and I kept going back for more...he was the only one who could pick me up again. It was a terrible, unhealthy, abusie relationship and I lost any sense of self.

Don't do this please. You will waste 2 or 3 years and be a complete wreck at the end of it.

Keep talking here, there is support for you and people will help you through this.

x post - sending more hugs.

You do not have to come back to this thread, any more than you have to reply to him, answer his calls or involve yourself in any communication where you feel uncomfortable.

I think you did really well spotting it relatively early on. Good luck

OP you are going through a stressful time.

Consider going back to your docs/or mental health team if you have one and explain what has happened and how you have reacted.

You need some help to deal with feeling pressured into doing things and how that affects you and help to deal with arses like this in future.

OP - I ws really hoping that he wouldn't respond to your text telling him it was over (and why).

Unfortunately, you have now shown him that you will put up with anything from him. He'll get worse - because you are too frightened/abused to retaliate.

You really need to ditch. You really need to find a counsellor who can tell you do this IRL.

Good lluck

Please don't leave the thread because people are telling you what you don't want to hear. I think everybody understands how hard it is to get yourself out of a relationship like this. That's why it takes years for many women to get out of an abusive relationship.
What most people are saying is that hard as it is, it's better to get out now, after only two months, than continue on this path of self destruction. There will be no happy ending. People aren't being horrible. They are pleading with you to save yourself lots of future misery. You are worth so much more than this.

Everything is a choice. You either act on the help you have been given or you remain a victim ie my bf is abusing me but you are all so mean telling me to leave him. Wtf???

This thread has been nothing but supportive of you leaving this abusive bf. Despite it not being what you want to hear “ stay with the bf and let him beat the crap out of you.”

Please stop being a victim and take responsibility for your life. Otherwise you are going to end up in a relationship where you are battered and bruised and could end up dead! One thing for sure, you’re life is going to be an absolute living nightmare. You’re life with him is going to suck in the worst way possible. WAKE UP!

There must be at least one person you can talk to in real life. If not, call up an abused woman’s helpline. Or go to your doctor. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop the negative talk and take action!

your not you’re.

Well that was silly. Never mind. Onwards and upwards. Dump him again and stick to it this time.

He sounds awful

He's just been bullying me again. He's been telling me about how I've got two sides to me and I'm always starting arguments with him. He described me contacting him to make up as harassment and then said that I'd wormed my way back in with him. He said I could only see him if i didn't try to stand up for myself, basically.

Well theres a surprise. Of course he will continue to bully you you are basically asking him to do so by continuing the relationship. Stand up for yoyrself and tell him where to go before its too late.

You managed without being bullied before you dont need it now.

Sympathy isnt going to stop him eroding every bit of self worth you have. You have had every person on here taking the time to tell you how it is and how its going to be with this prick but you have done the opposite and given him carte blanche to turn this around to be all your fault and you need him to keep you in line. Good luck with that.

So what did you expect from this thread? everybody told you he's abusive. You basically accused people of bullying and forcing you to block him, which somehow left you no other choice than to go back to him.
And what a suprise, he's still abusive, only now he can ramp it up as he knows you will be back no matter what.

Consider this as a practice run at breaking up. There's no shame in that. Now do it for keeps.

He tells me what to do
Do you not see that this is what you wanted from us to: tell you what to do and yet when everyone told you what to do you initially agreed with us and left him. Then you blamed us for telling you what to do and ran back to him. Do you not see what you are doing? That there's a pattern here?

spot on MaggieMay23

Some of the messages on here are horrendous. I'm so sorry OP and I'm not surprised you have said you will leave the thread. It can take months, years or decades to leave an abusive relationship. It's not okay for people to say you are stupid. Often things are not great from the outset, but for a lot of people, myself included, if you have never been treated well or experienced a healthy relationship, it's very hard to trust your own judgment and of course abusers mess with people's heads. I am sure a lot of posters just wanted to save you from a horrendous future with this man. But some of the comments made are obnoxious and bullying. I hope you're still reading and will keep your mind open to some people here who are being supportive.

I agree with @bastardkitty! I'm sure everyone means well but the things that have been said are awful! Not everyone can just break away! I think you know what is for the best OP, do it however way it's best for you and please seek professional help if you need it! I really wish you well and hope you are ok xx