He tells me what to do

[AnotherMrLizard]

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

Do you know the statistics are that a woman/man experiences 35 assaults before she or he seeks help and possibly leaves. This lady hasnt mentioned physical violence (yet) but I'm just reminding you all it's not black and white leave or dont . Now or never .

National Domestic Helpline : 0808 2000 247
Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I hope you need neither and find the courage to do whats right for you

The OP has been with this guy for 8 weeks....... not years! It’s pretty possible at this stage to break away from an abuser, especially if they jist let you go when you dump them. If he’s this much of a bellend at 8 weeks in, what’s he going to be like a year down the line?

I mean christ he hasn’t even love bombed sufficiently enough to keep you hooked. So whatever it is that’s drawing the OP in, nobody here can really help her with when she blames us for going back to him then wanting sympathy because he’s mean to her again.

You're just belittling her @gamerchick and it's not okay

If you say so but if you think you can give what the OP needs then carry on.

What a weird thing to say.

Not to be vulgar, but gaslight his mothereff!ing arse! You’re a grown woman. You get one life and you are just fine exactly as you are.

The OP has Aspergers, @gamerchick , she's a vulnerable adult and sudden change clearly made her panic. Belittling her won't help her, will it, so why are you doing it?

No one is denying that women who have been in abusive relationships for years find it very hard to leave. Years or decades of being emotionally and physically worn down to nothing take their toll. Adding in shared homes, children, and finances, it’s obviously very difficult for a lot of women to leave men like this.

But the OP had been with this man for 2 months. Less than 10 weeks ago (which was mid-November for a bit of perspective) she was single, did not know this man and coped fine with life. It should NOT be difficult to leave an abusive relationship this early on. They have absolutely no ties to each other. No shared home, finances or children. So yes, at this stage it is very easy to leave. She can quite simply block him, change her number, and never speak to him again.

^ You don't get to decide when it's easy to leave, or not.

I'm sorry when did it become scientifically possible to determine how fast someone falls in love ?? Or becomes dependent we know nothing other than she has aspergers we don't know if she was fine before she met him etc etc .
I work in DV lived through it too we tell women they left when they could not when they should . It's not up to us to decide when she leaves but support her through her decisions

Everyone has been nothing but supportive to you and You're throwing it back

Good luck OP, didn't last 2 seconds before he started being abusive again when you went running back did it ?

And on that helpful note...how about we let this rest now? OP was clearly struggling and really doesn't need this kind of help.

OP, if you do read any more of this: I am concerned you don't have any support (ie family, friends, professional support for your MH when/if you need it.) This man is certainly horrible and dangerous but I can see why you might be too frightened to put yourself in a position of being 'alone'. Can you find someone to talk to/spend time with other than this abusive man?

Threads like this are so upsetting to read. You just know OP will be back in 5 years, trapped in an abusive relationship, probably a DC or 2, and struggling to get out.

OP if you do come back and read this, please please please reconsider

OP I have Aspergers too.

You can't change adults. If he's too critical for your liking, it will escalate the longer you go out with him. Abusers can keep up the charade of being a nice guy until you're even pregnant or had a baby. The fact that he's slipping at 2 months makes me worry for you about how much worse he could get.

The list of times he was insulting didn't have been sent to him. You should have sent it to yourself so when you wavered, you could remind yourself of why you shouldn't go there. I realise that as an Aspie you can get caught up with "why" but an NT would end such a short relationship with something like "we're not compatible" which you must know based on his behaviour towards you. It places the "blame" on both people and makes it obvious that it won't work long-term.

Do you have real-life support? I think that people are going to read this and be worried for you and your mental health.