He tells me what to do

[AnotherMrLizard]

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

Jesus. He doesn't even like you as a person!

By the way, I have aspergers, so I sometimes find it hard to be certain of when behaviour is unacceptable. I'm very trusting of other people.

Get away. You don't need to put up with this bullying controlling man. If this is how he is two months in what's he going to be like in 6 months or a year. What is your confidence going to be like if you stay with him? You are not at fault here you are not doing anything wrong. Haven't you heard of unconditional love - we take people "warts and all"

I echo pp, run fast in another direction and heed this as a learning curve.

Ironically, he thinks it is me that needs to be more accepting of him.

I guess I can just not contact him again after the weekend. I don't have anything at his house, nor he at mine, so we have no reason to discuss anything further.

Please don't run away.

The next time he tries it, look him in the eye, burst out laughing and tell him to "FUCK RIGHT OFF, YOU CONDESCENDING TOSSPOT!" . Then walk away slowly laughing loudly at what a complete wanker he is.

The vote here is unanimous op. You CAN trust us, block all ways he can contact you ASAP.

Oh my days Run. NOW! I'm surprised you're actually asking about this, is it not obvious to you?

Get the fuck away from him. And thank your lucky stars you’ve found out he’s an abusive cunt only 2 months in before his behaviour becomes more sinister.

The fact that you are questioning whether it’s actually your fault he’s like that rather him being controlling and nasty is telling. It means he’s done this before over and over to other women and he won’t ever change and will probably step up his campaign over time to something much worse.

By reading your messages, I think that you know in your heart that his behaviour is unacceptable and not something you can live happily with. He sounds like someone who is very clever at covert emotional abuse and you are already feeling bad about yourself. Any relationship that lowers your self esteem and has you questioning yourself is not helpful. I would be worried that as time goes on, this man would be become more and more abusive and controlling. As others have said, cut your losses and run as fast as you can. Count yourself lucky that you are getting out at this stage! Be prepared for him to be difficult about you splitting with him. Someone this controlling will not like you taking control and ending things. Good luck!

Have you been in previous abusive relationships OP?

He's an idiot. Get rid of him fast.

He.Is.Not.Sweet.Or.Kind

I was about to call BS on this thread until I saw your post about having Aspergers - this makes it somewhat clearer. Please understand, this man is no good for you (or any other woman) and your gut instinct is correct - you need to get away from him as quickly as you can.

Please speak to someone you are close to in real life (a parent? A good friend?) and run this by them because I understand that it can be hard to take the advice of strangers on the internet and apply them to your own real life. But it's important that you realise this is not normal behaviour on his part and that if he is treating you so terribly in the honeymoon period of a relationship, when it should be all hearts and flowers, there can only be worse to come. Much much worse.

Please please PLEASE walk away from this man. Actually don't walk - run.

No, things like this are not always obvious to me.

Can you imagine having a child with this person, and the horror of watching him exert total control over your baby?

Have to agree with a previous poster, this 'man' sounds quite dangerous and I think the longer you stay, the more difficult it may be to escape his clutches

I also beg you, if you met him online, to flag his behaviour to the dating site moderators so that no other woman will have to encounter him. He sounds dangerous

He's treating g you inappropriately, and it rather sounds as though he has no idea that its worng, or what would be normal interaction - this means that he is incredibly unlikely to be able to change, or to even be willing to try.
You don't need this OP, he needs help, but from a professional, not his girlfriend. You should, for example, feel comfortable to burp, and maybe laugh and say 'pardon me', in front of your boyfriend. Being told off, and told you did it deliberately, is him being controlling with some nastiness thrown in.

'By the way, I have aspergers, so I sometimes find it hard to be certain of when behaviour is unacceptable. I'm very trusting of other people.'

Yeah, well trust us (btw, my son has Asperger's and I can see where it makes him very vulnerable): GET RID OF THIS ABUSER!

You owe him nothing. Not a conversation, explanation, justification, etc. You just block him.

He hooked you in. This is what abusers do.

He’s like this after two months? Imagine how wonderful he’s going to be in a couple of years and how much of a great dad he’d be - if you had them. Run while you can

Another one saying, 'run'.

I was in an abusive relationship a very long time ago, but he was physically abusive so it was obvious to me. I've never experienced someone ordering me around before.

I do feel in my heart that this isn't right, but I thought maybe it was me being oversensitive or argumentative.

Dump immediately.

Then take a break from dating. You 'really like' an abusive bully. You need to work out why. Before you date anyone else.

I would never call bullshit on a post like this ever aspergers being a mitigating factor or not. It might be surprising how many women find themselves in these kinds of relationships and lose their confidence so quickly so they question themselves.

OP have you heard of the freedom programme? It might be really helpful for you as it’s very clearly set out what the early warning signs of abuse are and as you say you struggle to know what’s acceptable and what isn’t it could be an invaluable tool for you.