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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 26/01/2018 17:15

His behaviour seems very much at odds with your description of him as very sweet and kind.

nightgap · 26/01/2018 17:15

Lettucepay.

Yes you are right he is a Narcisisst.

He is just showing the mask at the moment. When the real him appears OP will see she was tricked, and wonder were Mr pretend guy went.

From the comments he is just getting started, worst is yet to come.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 · 26/01/2018 17:17

I'm an aspie too and we are very vulnerable to ending up in abusive relationships - please listen to the other posters on this thread and get rid.

Thebluedog · 26/01/2018 17:19

Please don’t even see him this weekend. Just dump him and move on

5LeafClover · 26/01/2018 17:24

He's not very kind to serving staff AND he's not very kind to you. On the other hand you sound very kind indeed (which is why you are trying to talk it out). Listen to the advice here and be kind to yourself OP. Run.

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 17:24

Thanks, everyone. I am listening.

I don't think he would chase after me if I left. He's not shown any signs of being possessive in any way.

It's just such a shame, as he is so nice in every other way. But he doesn't even see that this is a problem. In fact, it is all my fault for causing trouble, in his eyes. I suspect he even feels that he is due an apology from me.

We're not talking because I asked him for some time out. He just said ok. No attempts to change my mind or control me in that sense. I suspect he believes he's highly rational and reasonable and is dealing with some irrational woman's mood swings.

OP posts:
Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 17:29

AnotherMrLizard

Yes they always do...every relationship will be the same. Personally I think society should tattoo WANKER on their foreheads to warn other women but alas human rights..........sigh...........

nightgap · 26/01/2018 17:34

Has he already made you think your irrational with womans mood swings.

Who put thinking in your mind ?

ObscuredbyFog · 26/01/2018 17:35

Please, please OP, look at the amount of replies you've received and what they all say.

Your AS makes you unable or less able to see that a lot of what he's already done to you is abuse, you said you perceived abuse to be only physical, it's not. Look up coercive control.

Perhaps you need to learn that abuse comes in many forms and for people who have seen it before or had it happen to a friend or relative, just reading your posts is enough for them to recognise what sort of a vile man he is. It is not the sort of man you want anywhere near you.

In a very short space of time he has you questioning yourself if it's right that you should be able to voice your opinions. He is shutting you down, not allowing you to speak, not allowing you to express anything he does not think you should. This behaviour of his is very wrong.

No-one in a fair relationship should have to listen to a "partner" say that. Partner infers equals, doesn't it, not one who dictates all the terms and the other just complies without question or later when they are far too dominated and undermined to be able to resist.

So far, he's trying to shut down all your independent thought. 2 months into seeing him, he has manipulated you enough to doubt yourself. This is dreadful Lizard I'm so sorry you can't see his behaviour for what it is, but the sheer volume of posts on here will hopefully make you realise the man is covered in red flags, even if at this stage you haven't quite seen what everyone else has.

Finish with him.

Contact Womens Aid and do the Freedom Programme
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

He is well aware of your vulnerability and is exploiting you for his own gains, he wants a slave and a punchbag. Don't be those things, finish with him and be yourself.

He may very well turn on his "Mr. Lovely Man" persona until you agree to be with him again, once more doubting yourself that you wouldn't want such a "wonderful" man in your life, and when he does, you need to see that behaviour for what it is, just a trap to break down your resolve so you are under his control once more and his abuse will start again, but it will also escalate.

Get out of this situation now, even if you can't see what all the other posters on this thread can, you are in danger if you stay with him, you need to be free of him.

nightgap · 26/01/2018 17:40

when you meet someone evil. what do you think they would look like.

with horns and a red jumpsuit.

no, they look like me and you otherwise you would run a thousand miles.

lettucepay I think you know were I am coming from.

his game has just started, the sad thing is OP you dont know your in a game. Not until he rapes you mentally. Then its too late.

Whowhatwhy · 26/01/2018 17:42

After two months it's barely worth the title "relationship" OP, why are you wasting your time? Dump and run!

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 17:46

The problem is I don't think he's doing this consciously or with any deliberate attempt to manipulate me. I think he genuinely believes I'm causing problems for no reason.

If anything, he makes out like I am being cruel to him. But I wouldn't have anything to raise if he didn't try to force his opinions on me as irrefutable facts.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 26/01/2018 17:49

he has to be nice some of the time to keep you hooked. and as you spend more time with him and get more dependant and subdued and unsure of yourself, the more control he has and the nastier he'll get. soon you won't remember that he was ever nice. you'll feel like you'll never be able to escape and everything is your fault and your doing. people like this are able to convince you that they can be charming. it's just for show. that's the fake part. the real part is the arseholiness.

extend that time out and tell him to fuck off. you're not 'behaving yourself' for him anymore and he needs to find a pet fish instead.

eddielizzard · 26/01/2018 17:49

it doesn't matter what he thinks or why he does what he does. all that matters is what you think and feel.

Gide · 26/01/2018 17:51

The problem is I don't think he's doing this consciously or with any deliberate attempt to manipulate me. I think he genuinely believes I'm causing problems for no reason.

But you said he didn’t start like this so clearly he’s lulled you into a false sense of security and is now treating you how he really wants.

nightgap · 26/01/2018 17:51

No he not doing anything consciously, because thats how he is.
your causing problems for no reason, who told you that, who put that thought in your mind.

Your cruel to him, if that is not manipulation what is?

GoingforitNowIthink · 26/01/2018 17:52

I'm a complete idiot but even I wouldn't put up with this 2 months into a relationship. Get out now and consider it a lucky escape!

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 26/01/2018 17:56

oh he knows exactly what he’s doing OP! Definitely. Don’t excuse his behaviour because it is totally inexcusable.

Chocolaterainbows · 26/01/2018 17:57

You have only been dating for 2 months. He is not a nice man. End it and find someone else Hmm

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 17:58

I remembered as well that recently, he has been commenting that I don't smile as much as I did at first. I think in the last two weeks, it has really escalated. I'm not smiling because I'm too busy trying to anticipate what I will do wrong next.

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 26/01/2018 18:01

Are you for real? He's only known you two months and he's treating you like this already?
He sounds like that guy on trial at the moment. Dates women then tries to lord it over them and then kills them.
Run, far away!

FreshStartToday · 26/01/2018 18:03

The problem is I don't think he's doing this consciously or with any deliberate attempt to manipulate me. I think he genuinely believes I'm causing problems for no reason.

He may well have been brought up in a relationship like this, seeing his father correct his mother. He may genuinely believe you are behaving badly. But you are not. You are being a normal human being, and he cannot cope with that. He needs to control it. His idea of a relationship, for whatever reason, is waaaay off, and it will not make you happy in the long run. Instead of making you feel loved, cherished, secure, he is making you doubt yourself and your way of doing things. I hope that you do find a way of telling him that this relationship is not working for you (you do not have to explain why) and of freeing yourself to find someone who enjoys being with you as you are, rather than as they would like you to be.

nightgap · 26/01/2018 18:05

love it. the question. are you for real?

now we have moved on to not smiling enought.

too busy anticipating what you did wrong.

what does the guy have to do to make you see that this is all wrong.
punch you in the face.

get away whist you still have your mental healt in one pice.

fourmileswide · 26/01/2018 18:05

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

He is not the boss of you.

Dump him.

Flowers