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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
alotalotalot · 28/01/2018 14:36

I feel so dreadful about myself

Two months in, he is supposed to make to feel like the most special person in the world.

You are heading for heartache and misery. You sounded so strong. Please reconsider.

Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 14:38

I think what this is about is that you're terrified of being on your own. But there really is nothing to be afraid of in not being in a relationship for a while. I have heard it said that until you're happy being alone you won't attract the men that will treat you right.

You deserve much better, but you need to come to that realisation yourself.

smashyourglasses · 28/01/2018 14:44

How stupid Confused

DontDIY · 28/01/2018 14:53

You need serious help, OP. Much more than anyone here can give you.

If this is true, you’ve just dug yourself into a pit of absolute misery.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 28/01/2018 14:54

There is a place between blocking and getting back together. Like you had already done.

Getting back with him is probably a mistake I'd say definitely but I doubt you'll believe me. . But it's your choice to make. We are all telling you his behaviour is wrong. And now you've gone back to him, he'll likely become more insufferable and abusive because he got away with it once.

When you need us we're here for you.

PipLongStockings · 28/01/2018 15:18

Have read the full thread and well done OP for updating. Whatever you choose to do, be in control, do not let him be in charge of you, you can do/behave any way you see fit, you are an adult.
But please please do one thing for everyone that's commented. Tomorrow morning Google women's aid and call them. They are absolutely wonderful people and you don't need to do anything just chat. They are fully experienced in all aspects of unbalanced relationships and can just help you make sense of the past 24/48 hours so you don't feel pressured either way. Please promise that you'll do that?

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2018 15:20

Oh well. As long as you can figure out all the things you should not 'dare' to do in front of him..

Original poster
AnotherMrLizard · 28/01/2018 15:25

I'm afraid that my aspergers makes me very afraid of sudden changes. I was coping with, but then I felt pressured to block him. And then when I'd done that, I panicked.

I don't know what is going to happen next.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 28/01/2018 15:30

Do you have people in RL who can support you, OP, DM, friends etc? This is a time when having people to look out for you could make all the difference.

hopingforhappiness · 28/01/2018 15:36

Please stay away from him.
If he is like this now it will only get worse. I believe that, if his controlling behaviour has escalated so quickly, you are probably in real physical danger.
My 'D'H was ok for the first few years, or so I believed. After coming out of an awful relationship I really was not in a position to judge. Then it started, just like you are experiencing already.
Now it's 20 years later, I have DC and it's incredibly difficult and frightening to just leave.
Don't be like me; it isn't any kind of life.

VapersNest · 28/01/2018 15:38

Creep. Get out NOW.

Grunkle · 28/01/2018 15:42

Take your time OP.

You don't have to do anything people tell you to. You're in charge of your life.

Slowly get yourself ready to change things here. You will get free of him. Take the time you need. Just also remember, you need to protect your mind from him. The more you listen to him, the more he will break you down - which means you can end up weakened over time, making it harder to make a change.

Can you chat to your GP, social worker, health visitor, anyone like that? It's important you get other people into the circle here, so that you hear from others, not just this guy who puts you down and frightens you.

Take care. It's ok to be scared and to need time. Just don't try to do it alone - get others to help you. Xxxx

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 28/01/2018 15:44

OP, you’re setting yourself up for misery. You can reconsider at any time, you know.

Amilliondreams · 28/01/2018 16:19

So what happened op?

PipLongStockings · 28/01/2018 16:25

Small steps at whatever pace you need. Flowers
Don't feel pressured by anyone, you don't have to apologise to him for blocking him. As I said you are an adult, whatever way you behave is not for anyone else, particularly him, to judge...Ok!
And please call women's aid Smile

GrooovyLass · 28/01/2018 16:28

Oh op, what will happen next is that he now knows he can do and say what he wants so will ramp up the emotional abuse.

Please, if you don't have any friends or family that you can speak to, please contact Women's Aid or similar. I'm actually scared for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/01/2018 16:33

If you go back to him he will continue to control you and ramp up the abuse.

Please call Womens Aid.

Fairylea · 28/01/2018 16:34

Op you’re very vulnerable. He is taking advantage of that. You need to tell him it is over and block him again and stick to it. He isn’t a nice man. He is a bully.

MrsExpo · 28/01/2018 16:37

Not read all the replies, but I'm assuming I'm with the majority here .....

The hills are that way >>>>>>> run like hell. He's an abusive, manipulative git. Get rid now and don't look back.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/01/2018 16:45

Pressured by posters on here??

finnmcool · 28/01/2018 16:46

op rewind to before you blocked him, but after you realised he isn't a good man and that he is no good for you and most definitely isn't on your side and start from there.
Ending a two month relationship doesn't have to be a sudden change. End it, do it at your speed, but for your own wellbeing, end it.
It may feel like we are being bossy, perhaps too forthright for you, but it's only because we can all see he is abusing you 8 weeks in. That's no time in your life.
Please leave before he gets a tighter grip on your mind.
I wish you nothing but the best.

eddielizzard · 28/01/2018 17:04

you are in control of your life. you don't have to give him any control.

sometimes when you feel awful, even though you know you've done the right thing you feel you have to get things back to what they were because the change is so hard to deal with. ok. you're not in a space NOW where you can deal with this. but give it time and try again when you feel strong enough.

and come on here for support.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/01/2018 17:19

Starting Dating him 8 weeks ago was a change. Not a good change. Stop it. Use your time doing something else. Something you decide, for you, that you want for yourself, that will make you feel good. Something you can predict that isn’t based on someone else’s distorted views and requirements.

Emotionally, you have discovered that he is not a keeper. This takes a bit of time to understand, which you have processed. It takes time to arrive at a plan of action, which you are doing very well...and this advances your emotional stance of disconnecting from him. The actual dumping of him boils down to an administrative task. There may be a little separation anxiety because of (?) dreams and future fantasy of happily ever after not happening...and it never was going to happen with this controlling bloke who was training you as if you were a dog.

Stepping away is stepping into the sunshine and happiness of your self esteem and self respect. Alone can be bliss personified if you give it a chance.

FunnyThat · 28/01/2018 17:27

Oh God OP - he's got you where he wants you

What ever you do, be strong and don't let him control you.

Charismam · 28/01/2018 17:27

End it. Dont tell him why because he will argue with you and tell you you're wrong.

If u really need an excuse to end it tell him he deserves somebody more lady like than you could ever be. The run

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