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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
GrooovyLass · 26/01/2018 23:05

He really isn't sweet and kind to you. Burping and farting are normal human things. He is a controlling dick and your asd makes you more vulnerable to being controlled (I'm speaking from experience).

Please get out before you're in any deeper.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2018 23:34

Have you blocked him ?

GrooovyLass · 26/01/2018 23:47

Sorry, I missed that you have got out. I second that you need to block him.

OrangeCrush19 · 27/01/2018 00:09

Well done OP.

Does he know where you live?

GsbMaxi · 27/01/2018 02:38

It's only been 2 months and he is doing this already! Most abusers can keep their true self hidden for at least a bit longer than that - he can't even manage to be decent during what should be a honeymoon phase!

It's laughable how ridiculous this man is. Ltb, he is not worth wasting your time with. You have one life, you should never spend it with anyone who makes you feel this way.

Mrstobe90 · 27/01/2018 02:54

Well done for walking away! He sounds awful and emotionally abusive! You're so much better off without him XX

Laska5772 · 27/01/2018 07:59

Well done OP. now block and refuse to let him in or talk to him if he comes round to 'persuade' you.. It sound like he may not anyway if hes ignoring your text...

Dont be sad .. its a bullet well dodged.. he was not worth your precious time and effort.

My Dh of 23years has NEVER put me down or told me what to do ..and is always supportive and kind in everything and to everyone.. (thats because he is a good man and really loves me)

That's the kind of person you are looking for ..and there are plenty of men like that around despite the stories you read here .. good luck !

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 08:28

Thanks, everyone. I'm feeling a bit strange this morning, but I feel like it was the right thing. It's the only way I can make sure no one will be accusing me of being manipulative just for trying to explain my feelings. I remembered him making comments about what manipulative girls are like. So I suspect it's a default impression of his that all women are naturally manipulative.

It's a really shoddy tactic to use during an argument. And one that is particularly difficult for me as a person with aspergers to defend myself against.

I haven't blocked him. It's not really necessary. He won't pursue me at all. If anything, he'll be surprised that I don't come begging back in tears asking for forgiveness for my outburst. He wouldn't even dream of approaching someone as ridiculous as me now I've explained that I don't want to be treated like a doormat.

OP posts:
Greatestshow · 27/01/2018 08:29

I will be very surprised if you don't hear from him today.

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 08:42

I'll let you know if I do, but I would put money on the opposite. I don't fulfil any purpose for him anymore. I don't flatter his ego and I'm apparently not emotionally stable. He won't be interested in me any longer.

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 27/01/2018 08:43

Your putting yourself down!DONT !! You saw through him and had the respect for yourself to tell him to do one, go do something nice for yourself today x

Seer · 27/01/2018 09:04

Well done, OP! You did the right thing.Thanks

As a fellow aspie, I understand how easy it is for someone seemingly nice and sincere to convince you that you're just not seeing things clearly.

I know I've got several challenging traits (I can be very blunt unintentionally, I'm fairly OCD about tidiness, I ask tonnes of questions and can be v pedantic about unimportant things!) but I also know that anyone who really likes/loves me and is a kind and balanced person themselves won't be constantly trying to tell me off or change me.

What I bring in challenges I more than make up for in other ways (or so I'm told!) - I'm certain that you're exactly the same.

A good man will love you... quirks, oddities and all. Smile

ferrier · 27/01/2018 11:41

Ironic that he describes you as manipulating when in fact it is him doing the manipulating.

Well done for seeing through him.

seven201 · 27/01/2018 12:14

So glad you've ended it. He makes you feel like shit. You can now get back to being you.

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 14:06

He's still deliberately not reading my message saying how I feel. Another type of control tactic, I assume.

OP posts:
Greatestshow · 27/01/2018 14:11

How did you send the message op?

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 14:23

FB messenger. I can see he's been online and not bothered to read it.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 27/01/2018 14:25

absolutely. it's a control thing. he wants to you know you're not important enough to read it. don't be fooled. it's all a game. he's waiting for you to come running back and asking for forgiveness.

don't.

DriggleDraggle · 27/01/2018 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 14:40

I'm building up to deleting him. My curiosity is not quite allowing me to yet.

OP posts:
FilledSoda · 27/01/2018 14:40

Well done OP
You've absolutely dodged a bullet with that one.
BTW arseholes like that are often charming in the beginning, you're not at fault

AnotherMrLizard · 27/01/2018 14:41

I don't want him to chase me. And I already know that he won't. I'm just intrigued to see if he'll read the message.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/01/2018 14:52

You've done so well to end it, OP. Now be strong and press the delete button.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2018 14:56

What would that do for you if he did?. Do you understand the expression "curiosity killed the cat"?. Its a proverb used to warn of the dangers of unnecessary investigation or experimentation.

You are well rid of this person in any case who I think also targeted you to exploit further because of your Aspergers syndrome.

Grunkle · 27/01/2018 14:59

I admire you op.
I understand having to build up to blocking him. You'll get there.

You have done something so wonderful for yourself. I wish I'd been like you about fifteen years ago tbh.

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