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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He tells me what to do

341 replies

AnotherMrLizard · 26/01/2018 15:49

I've been in two minds about starting a thread about this, but I really need some advice.

I've been dating a man for two months now. He's very sweet and kind to me. But he continually tells me how to act. He talks to me like he's my parent, with instructions as to how to behave. For example, he tells me I am not allowed to put my fingers in my mouth. I've been told both not to chew my nails or to pick my teeth. Or we were in a shop the other day when I accidentally knocked something to the floor and he told me it hadn't been an accident and I obviously wasn't being careful enough. He tells me to be quiet when we are watching films (and no, I don't feel that I was talking excessively).

When I try to raise the issue of there being an imbalance of power in the relationship, he immediately becomes very angry and silences me. If I try to explain that he's hurting my feelings, he tells me my comments are manipulative. He also tells me about how he is right to tell me what to do. If I try again to explain my feelings, he always argues another point to win, for example saying, oh so you think I am a terrible person then.

He says it's my responsibility to perceive his actions positively. He says I'm oversensitive.

Am I really just annoying or should he not do this?

Another thing I've noticed is that he is not kind to serving staff. Which I know is a very bad sign.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 26/01/2018 20:51

Lady... you have absolutely done the right thing.. credit to you for coming on here and asking about his behaviour.. it's not always easy to spot the manipulation when your inside the picture...

you will be okay.. be proud you spotted this was inappropriate and controlling Flowers

Lettucepray · 26/01/2018 20:52

AnotherMrLizard

Treat it as a learning curve, next time you'll be aware of things moving too fast, and you'll see the red flags. Any relationship worth it's salt moves at a slow steady pace, where you keep your friends and never rely on just one person, not healthy.

ThamesRiver · 26/01/2018 20:54

Seriously OP - you have dodged a bullet here

Well done for being brave and doing the right thing for YOURSELF. You're gonna look back on this and ask yourself how you could have lasted two months with this prick

Time for a glass of bubbly!

Catkins0877 · 26/01/2018 20:55

Go now

Catkins0877 · 26/01/2018 20:57

Sorry saw other posts.Well done.Don't ever go back.x

sparklepops123 · 26/01/2018 21:18

You’ve done great !!you got rid of a loser !!! Go girl 🤩

springydaffs · 26/01/2018 21:29

Well done, you done good!

Hurts though Flowers

StringandGlitter · 26/01/2018 21:34

Congrats on recognising it and getting out. There’s a book called Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft that you may find insightful. If you google the title plus Free PDF you can read it for free.

It might help you spot the warning signs even sooner next time.

endthefarts · 26/01/2018 21:35

No no no no no. Get out of there. Telling you what to do and being so condescending will escalate to telling you who you can and can’t see, where you can and can’t go and what you can and can’t think and it can only get worse from there on.

Plus the being unkind to waiting staff? 100% a deal breaker.

Footle · 26/01/2018 21:42

Well done!

Alwaysstressed999 · 26/01/2018 21:47

If he's like after 2 months what will he be like in a year?? I think you know what to do OP! He's sounds controlling and damn right rude 😡 Get out now because this will no end well x

SometimesMaybe · 26/01/2018 21:55

Well done, take care OP. Hopefully you don’t feel too upset, it’s always tough when a relationship ends.

Just know that it isn’t you it was him and that either a really good guy is just around the corner or you will be happy being single not having to worry about upsetting someone!!

Well done for spotting how he was treating you and being brave enough to end it.

Halebeke425 · 26/01/2018 22:03

Hey this guy sounds like my dad! Good on you for getting out when you did, he'd only make you miserable and crazy. Something better will come along.

blueskyinmarch · 26/01/2018 22:13

Well done OP. You can hold your head up high and know it was him and not you.

Mom2K · 26/01/2018 22:15

Only read the first few posts on page one...but it is actually kind of scary to hear you call him wonderful in other ways when you describe how controlling he is. You are only two months into this relationship and he is HORRIBLE. He will get worse, but even if he doesn't, leave now. Don't put up with this abuse. You should be with someone who respects you and treats you as an equal. I would be appalled if I heard someone speaking to a child this way let alone another adult.

Mom2K · 26/01/2018 22:15

Just saw that you ended it. Well done OP! Flowers

midnightmisssuki · 26/01/2018 22:18

2 months of this bullshit? you have the patience of a saint op. RUN. AND RUN FAST.

midnightmisssuki · 26/01/2018 22:18

cross post - well done OP. No one should ever talk to anyone like that. Good luck.

KarenW · 26/01/2018 22:18

you go girl! well done for ending it, you deserve far better! Cake

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 26/01/2018 22:39

Ah OP, I know it’s miserable when a relationship ends but you did the right thing, seriously.

Your posts could have been me 15 years ago, constantly analysing what I’d done: Could I have done it differently? How can I make him see I didn’t do it maliciously? He did overreact, didn’t he? Or did I?

It’s a complete headfuck and leaves your sense of reality and normalcy screwed. My mum says that when I came out of that relationship I was constantly checking that she was ok, that I hadn’t upset her.

Because that’s what I’d become, anticipating the next thing I’d done wrong.

It’s no way to live. You’re better off single than living your life walking on eggshells.

Congratulations on being strong and ending things. I know, as an Aspie, it’s easy to get over analytical and doubt yourself but take it from us, you did the right thing. Flowers

MrsMozart · 26/01/2018 22:46

You will be happy again lass.

Boatsonthewater · 26/01/2018 22:49

Christ alive, why are you even asking? Get the hell out and never look back.

Boatsonthewater · 26/01/2018 22:50

Sorry just noticed you did... well done!

ReanimatedSGB · 26/01/2018 22:54

Oh well done. I bet you never really thought he was 'wonderful', he just kept telling you he was. I bet there was 'I know you must be struggling to believe that someone like me could be interested in you' and 'You're a lucky girl now that you have me' and similar shit.

You will be fine without him. All the best.

princesssparkle1 · 26/01/2018 23:00

Apart from this, he is very wonderful though.

No

He

Is

Not