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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over a fling - help please

225 replies

MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 18:47

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 17/12/2017 19:37

Wtaf. Your poor dh

Iloveanimals · 17/12/2017 19:46

Is this even for real!??? I mean... Really???

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 19:54

Yes it is, strange as part of it sounds

OP posts:
WhiskeySourpuss · 17/12/2017 19:56

I thought I'd stumbled across tomorrow's Jeremy Kyle script for a minute there...

If this is true I honestly wouldn't know where to start!

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 19:58

I guess you are reacting to what I wrote about OM...it is very much true.... I read recently that 7% of men have sex with men...and only 4% of men are gay.. that makes an awful lot of men like him...

OP posts:
Thickasmince · 17/12/2017 19:59

Does his wife know about you? This guy sounds like a complete creep. Nothing against what he gets up to, but I reckon he’s probably getting a right kick out of it, especially hearing about your sex life with your DH.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 17/12/2017 20:02

I’m not really sure what you’re asking? If having affair had made anyone’s marriage better? I very much doubt it.

‘Is it too much to ask of a long term partner’ - I don’t think its fair for you to be asking for anything of him tbh. He shouldn’t have to change because of your mistakes, if he’s the great man you apparently see him as.

PoorYorick · 17/12/2017 20:06

It's a pity you can't shack up with your hot transvestite Dom because then you'll realise they're all just people at the end of the day and they all get snappy and farty and snotty at times.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 20:06

I am sure that the confidence he has that attracted me comes from the many years he has been meeting other people...he dresses up in public and meets men in local towns...he is incredibly at ease with himself...I have never come across someone like it but it was very attractive somehow...I was not put off by the cross dressing and find the idea of men having sex quite erotic....however I have mentioned this to DH and he doesn’t understand it... but that’s not a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 20:12

I do realise he’s been getting kicks out of our discussions but they have also made me realise that something was missing between us. We have zero desire to “be together “ but he has a good side to him in that he’s encouraged me to talk much more intimately with DH.

OP posts:
IntoTheFloodAgain · 17/12/2017 20:16

‘he has a good side to him in that he’s encouraged me to talk much more intimately with DH.’

If he and his wife are swingers, he’s probably just hoping you’ll somehow talk your DH into swinging with them.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 20:23

His wife doesn’t know about me. I think he justifies not telling her by the fact they both swing...but I think that’s unfair on her since he claims to be so close to her. I do think she just adores him but lets him dominate with what he wants so long as he does other stuff...family and social obligations etc. And yes he has encouraged me to bring up swinging with DH but obviously doesn’t want to do it with us...he just thinks we should all get as much pleasure from sex as he does... he has opened my eyes for sure

OP posts:
CarliseT · 17/12/2017 20:31

Are you doing a research?

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 20:35

I do realise affairs don’t make things better, are selfish hurtful etc but they happen all the time and I don’t honestly know how it was so easy for me to walk into it... it felt like a drug but I am so responsible with everything else...look after my kids, conscientious worker, have ran associations, pay all my taxes ... but the feeling of being desired is like nothing else, it seems so shallow to say it..,I’ve told DH I need him to say he finds me sexy and he says he does but the effect is not there...terrible I know....but what to do....live like this...everything else is fine between us

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 20:36

Research into what??

OP posts:
WantingMuchMore · 17/12/2017 20:43

So...you think you've had a sexual 'awakening' from a few fumbles and a blow job or three? Did this dominant man, twist his fingers in your hair and lean your head back to kiss you passionately? Yawns. Yep - they all do that. It's an act, my lovely, a role. As much as the role he takes in womens clothes and the passive role he takes during MM sex. It's easy to put on a mask and play lets pretend when there isnt anything at stake... maybe he is sexually liberated or maybe hes created a gigantic fat web of lies that hes bought into. Ive met several of the latter btw. The photos, the swinging, the online ads... it is all terribly familiar within kink circles. If his wife is really as open as he suggests - why didnt he tell her about you? Most ethically non monogamous folk wont entertain the idea of helping someone cheat - let alone cheating themselves. He sold you a fairytale, a fantasy. You bought the emperors new clothes and you're wondering why your arse is cold?!

If you want greater sexual intimacy with your partner, it takes trust, openess and communication - lots of it.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 21:08

You are right that he’s not been ethical about it (nor have I). But he does really do this stuff (cross dressing and sex with men) Of course the dominant stuff is an act but it comes so naturally to him and was an unbelievable turn on to me. Sorry if that is really naive... I do want to bring that to my marriage but DH seems really uninterested in the role play stuff and says he prefers tenderness...that’s ok but I miss that “turn on” I got... isn’t it essential to a great marriage to turn each other on? And I do want to understand how not to fall into the same trap of cheating again ...it is very unfair on DH and my kids, I know....I have lost self respect due to the ease with which I was able to get into this...

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 17/12/2017 21:56

And I do want to understand how not to fall into the same trap of cheating again

The first thing you could do is to realise that you didn't 'fall into' anything. You made a conscious choice. You can make a different choice next time.

I'm not one of those people who thinks everyone who has an affair is an evil husk of a human, and I understand that people are fragile and complicated. But something that does annoy me about those who have affairs is how very often they will talk about it as if it's something that just happened to them and they had absolutely no agency in it at all. They fell in, were sucked in, were reeled in. No. They were presented with a choice and they made it. And in most cases, continued to make it over and over again.

If you're really serious about working on your marriage and not doing it again, that's important to understand.

Cricrichan · 17/12/2017 22:05

How on earth is giving a blow job to a bisexual transvestite a turn on..?!?

So you want kinky sex?

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 05:16

Yes having affairs is a choice...but it’s a choice you make from a drugged up state...you want it so much because it feels so good and is fulfilling an important unmet need....I think that’s why people say they fell into it. DH says he cannot cheat because it’s like a mental block for him but I didn’t experience the block he describes.

Everything that guy did was a turn on, HE was the turn on...he gave feedback DH never does, he was kinky, confident, touched me how I liked it...came naturally to him and does not naturally to DH .... I miss that but don’t want the deception.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 05:35

I work with a lot of men...this is the first time it has happened because I don’t flirt at work...and I realised it’s because he made the signs and I became like an out of control individual on receiving those crumbs of sexual attention...I realise now that that’s how OM is and I was not something special... but why was I so susceptible to that attention...do not think of myself as having low self esteem? Now another guy is being friendly with me who I’ve found attractive for a while... I find myself fantasising again but know it’s wrong...again it’s a drug addiction almost. I don’t want to tell DH I fancy these guys as it would hurt him...I think he’s not self confident sexually and that is part of our problems...I was his first partner because he had a painful rejection in his youth and hardly dared with a girl after that. Complicated.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 18/12/2017 08:43

Your actions do not align with what you claim to want. You're still denying your own agency. I've got nothing more to add. You've got a choice, what you decide is up to you.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 18/12/2017 08:46

It really is not that uncommon that two people who have been married a long time are no longer sexually compatible.

I understand entirely the difficulty of being married to someone who is good, kind and decent but who you are no longer sexually attracted to. I've been there and I left to be with someone I was sexually compelled by. Eleven years later with 'new' partner our sex life is still mind blowing and I am completely loyal and never want another partner in my life again.

But, and it's a big but, a lot of hurt was caused in the process. I was never duplicitous or sneaked around behind my expartner's back, I was always honest about where I was up to but it was still incredibly painful for everyone involved.

The way I see it you have limited choices: 1) you continue to sneak around behind your DH back having affairs with the likelihood you will be found out eventually. 2) you tell your DH honestly how you feel and open a conversation with him about how to manage the incompatability in your sex life going forwards or 3) you recommit to the marriage, crush your sexual feelings, and focus on other aspects of your lives together such as companionship and emotional connectedness.

None of those choices are easy and whichever route you take will cause heartache for someone - unfortunately there is no magic answer.

Animation86 · 18/12/2017 08:54

You know instead of having an affair why did you actually just seek help for your marriage?

Your poor DH.

By the way there’s nothing sexier than a cheat Confused

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/12/2017 09:11

I think you should tell your husband, watch your life fall apart, see the look of disgust on your children's faces and then see how turned on you get sucking Stephanie's cock.

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