Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

I really couldn't make head nor tail of this

Also, on the link I posted it clearly states you can catch pubic lice from oral sex. I've genuinely learned something new today.

I'm sure if a person gives oral sex to another person with herpes they can catch the virus orally? Same as if the op caught the virus orally, gave her DH oral sex he can contract herpes? I may be wrong but that was my interpretation of it

As for the risks of oral sex, most articles (like the NHS link talk) imply the risk to the giver (receiving sexual fluids) not the receiver of saliva (eg women’s risk giving to men). There’s not much you can give through saliva. I swabbed negative for gonorrhoea and I don’t have any cold sores or herpes sores so can’t give this. I can’t get tested for oral HPV (warts) I have no symptoms of genital or oral HPV. I may or may not have caught it from previous partners as it is extremely common (and many cases are suppressed by our immune systems). I tested negative for HIV and have retested to be sure, and DH would have to have open sores on his penis and me a bleeding mouth and well that hasn’t been the case.

Specifically about the receiving parties risks:
www.netdoctor.co.uk/ask-the-expert/sexual-health/a1530/dangers-of-receiving-oral-sex/

Risk of spreading HPV viruses through saliva
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/285241.php

About HIV in saliva
helpline.aidsvancouver.org/question/spitting-head-penis-blood-saliva

As for some of the other posters, yes I realised (later) that I was being played / have been played. This was a new experience for me and not a great feeling. And yes I have stopped idolising OM now but he did open my eyes. I am starting to realise how bad this all was. And really regretting it. Yes I have taken advantage of trust placed in me ON THIS ISSUE. I have never abused financial trust, trust regarding childcare, family obligations, work, taxes and all the rest. I would find it horrific to cheat someone out of their money for example. But why did I not find it horrific to cheat on my DH. Why didn’t I realise how ripe I was for being played and that it would just take a few drops of male attention from a player like him to make me do something so inconsiderate and so hurtful? If you met me you would not think I was a nasty piece of work. I hate cruelty and yet what I did seems (in hindsight) very cruel. Is there a pathological problem with me that I didn’t feel it’s wrong. I don’t really understand.
I really don’t want to break up our home. Not for financial reasons as we would manage. There is still affection between us. It’s not hot but it never was. It just seems easier, better, whatever, to hide the issue, let it fade away and try to be hyper vigilant in future. I can’t bear to tell DH, he doesn’t suspect, and it would hurt him too much. I know you are saying that the hurt has been done but he doesn’t feel hurt right now.

Not here to judge but I don't see you ever being satisfied with your hubby and should probably try marriage counselling. Tell him you feel unwanted and need to reconnect with him. I find it weird when men go off of sex, they usually can't get enough. What you did was wrong as you probably know, don't try to justify it or blame your hubby for it. It is your fault alone and you shouldn't have done it, you need to accept this. But yeah marriage counselling might help?

No one deserves to cruise through life unsatisfied - whether that be sexually or emotionally.
But how do we know when we are satisfied? Because we aren’t ever tempted to cheat? If I had some hot dominant kinky man at home how can I be sure I would not be tempted to cheat on him one day? Those of you who would never cheat: Why Not?

I also heard that men couldn’t get enough but that’s 80-90%. I’ve had relationships with a few like that. I’m married to one of 10-20% who doesn’t feel that way and sees sex as nice but often a good book is more interesting. And a man who simply doesn’t know how to make a girl hungry for him. But it’s a personality type that I thought I could be happy with and have been ok living with for many years.

If you're not happy with your DH, then end it.

You don't have to tell him it's because you had an affair and now think you would be happier with someone of a completely different character. But acting decisively gives him a chance to find soneine who appreciates him for who he us.

And you can go on to find someone who will make you happy.

But I recommend you spend a while living independently for a while and working out what you really want. You appear to have been so totally bamboozled by someone for very shallow reasons (a philanderer is often charming and it's no biggie that someone has an active (casual) sex life if the type you'd OM describes) that time to pause and think seems unusually important for you. Don't ask us how to know when you might be satisfied. Look inwards and work it out.

I really don’t want to break up our home.

Yes you do or you wouldn't have begun the affair. The moment you crossed that line you made the conscious decision to end your marriage. Even if your DH isn't aware, your marriage vows are currently null and void because you're not 'in' the marriage; your loyalty and honesty and faithfulness have gone, and for most people those are pretty fundamental to a strong marriage. So why not make a clean break and start afresh since you're still unsatisfied?

All this hand-wringing and self-analysis isn't going to change the fact that you want the best of both worlds; the high sex drive and steamy sex but the dependability and kindness from your DH. In your current marriage that's not possible, so you have to be willing to give one of those up.

my Sympathies are with your poorly treated DH..

When you say friendly do you mean making general chit chat or flirting? Two are completely different things. I think you need some therapy to rediscover yourself, or you could go on to developing this behaviour and ruining your marriage.

Thinkingof... not sure which comment your message refers to. I don’t flirt at work or even generally, no touching, gestures, prolonged eye contact etc. OM did with me for a short while. Since then we have been friendly and professional again. But I was super susceptible to a tiny dose of attention. I have had crushes and done nothing before. I suppose I never met such an experienced player and tbh they are not that common and now I am much wiser. I honestly feel like I have been as naive as a teenager which makes me feel really stupid. But I did enjoy that attention and tension for a while. DH and I seem not to be able to generate that tension and I didn’t realise how fired up it could make me. Partly of course the newness of OM BUT even when I was newly with DH I never really felt fire....even if do get aroused enough just by his physical body to have sex but it’s not that fire when we kiss and never was. I have had that experience with one very fiery boyfriend but he wasn’t marriage material at all so I just thought you can’t have both.
I don’t agree that I wanted to break up our home. I never did, I just compartmentalised things as this is the work persona (doing the wrong thing), it’s almost as that person doesn’t exist in RL. It’s like saying someone who can’t stop eating wants to die of diabetes. They vaguely know that could happen but they don’t want it to.

I don't believe this is solvable. ie that your husband becomes more sexually like the OM.

I am puzzled as to how you found OM's attention flattering. He sounds like a card! Don't you feel cheap?

Those of you who would never cheat: Why Not?

I think you know the answer that. There are many many threads about it. I just never would.
You are a liar. You have lied to your husband. You have deceived him. Where were you, when you met OM? In a toilet? In a car? In s hotel? Where did your husband think you were?

The trust is gone. Well it would be if he ever found out. Few marriages survive. When the trust is gone.
Because you aren't an honourable person.

Trust is very important to me. Not to you. Clearly.

DH and I seem not to be able to generate that tension

If you lived with OM for umpteen years, it would be different with him too.

I didn’t have to lie because I only met him a few times (maybe a total of 6 or 7) at the end of the day but within normal working hours for maybe half an hour. We never called each other. Rarely texted and never at weekends. So there have never been any unexplained absences. It’s deception by omission. Feels slightly different but I do feel terrible writing it down now. Flipping awful really. What was I thinking. Yes he was a sleaze bag and I didn’t see it. Everyone around him likes him. He thinks it’s fine to do what you want to get sexual kicks. I have distanced myself but retained a rosy eyed view of him that I need to lose. I do honestly feel terrible now. But I have to hide it as I cannot face the fallout. I just need to let the dust settle I think. I definitely need to be told what scum bags we both have been (me and OM). Honestly. I feel sick today.

Oh God it’s horrible. I feel like a Jekyll and Hyde character.

Those of you who would never cheat: Why Not?

Because my marriage is based on trust and honesty. Without those I'd consider it over. Leave before you shit on them has always been my relationship motto; if you've reached a point where you're dishonest (even if it's by omission rather than a direct lie) you're flogging a dead horse because crossing that line takes selfishness, unkindness and spite. I wouldn't want to be married to someone capable of that, and it's odd that you think your DH doesn't deserve to know. He absolutely does and if you respected him even a tiny bit you'd know that you have no right to stay with someone you've treated so abominably.

I feel so sorry for what I did now but I needed all of you to make that happen. Isn’t that fucking awful. I feel suicidal. I must have a fucking worthless narcissistic character. In tears. Not saying this to get sympathy but it’s only just hitting me.

Call me judged but OM sounds like a degenerate weirdo to me, total turnnoff.

And the fact that he and his wife are swingers,she goes along with arranged polygamy but he still has to cheat behind her back.

Anyway - sounds like you'll not get what you want/need from your hub - maybe time to end it and search for a man with a sex drive and open mindedness to match yours. Either that or you ask hub for open marriage - though he doesn't sound like the type to go for it.

Judgy not judged

You're hardly the 1st to have embarked on an affair of some type with me dominant/exciting and you won't be the last, calm yourself.

Me dominant/exciting, not me - I'm pretty sure you haven't had an affair with me.

Uugh autocorrect !!!