Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

I think it would be irretrievably broken

It is irretrievably broken. You are not compatible; neither of you are happy, you've had an affair and you're not satisfied. He can't satisfy you. You may well not satisfy him.

Let it go; for everyone's sakes. Build a better life.

Sorry but you are wrong and about exposing the risks of passing infections through kissing and giving oral sex. They are virtually inexistant even for giving oral sex. Receiving is different. I have read up on this.

I am not surprised about this but I think some of you really seem to enjoy being verbally snide on here in a way you wouldn’t do face to face. But you know that too.

Not taking it personally @stitch. The thread has talked at length about the risk of STI, (which I agree with) - so basically it's already been said. And said again. It's disappointing to read things that seem deliberately unsupportive and judgemental. Thought support and advice was the point of mumsnet (and that doesn't mean agreeing with everything). Just saying, but thanks for asking 😀

OP stop trying to minimise the fact ypu indulged in risky sexual behaviour with a man who shags everything that moves. You could have put your DH's health at risk as well as your own, it's as simple as that and there's no need to get picky over whether you spit or swallow.

I'm not sure you really realise the extent of your betrayal. From everything you've said, your husband is a nice man who seems to have a fairly ordinary attitude to sex. He might not be swinging off the chandeliers but a lot of people don't and that's fine. You're having pleasurable, regular sex with him, and at this stage in people's lives, with jobs and a young family, that's often enough. He doesn't feel he needs to change and I'm inclined to agree with him. He doesn't particularly want to be some sort of sexual demon and that's totally up to him. You clearly seem to feel you need more, and that's totally up to you. In which case you need to be honest with him and leave.

I feel you're looking for excuses to justify your behaviour and trying to blame your husband - he's not reading self help books, he's not bending you over the kitchen table or whatever - but fgs why should he? He's probably wondering what exactly you are trying to fix. If you really want to pursue this life of kink then you need to stop skirting around the issue and just tell him. If it's something he is never going to be into then you take it from there, being open and honest with each other.

I think you need to be honest with yourself as well. You seem to think sex after 17 years of marriage and children should be like one of those free Kindle books about dominant werewolf billionaires or something. It would be different if he was emotionally cold and there was no sex whatsoever, but that's not what you've said. It sounds like you've had your head severely turned by the OM. You've been raving on about him for most of this thread. The thing is, he sounds absolutely dreadful. You've only got his word for it that his wife is head over heels for him- I would be extremely interested to hear her side of things because I bet it differs wildly to his. How on earth does he have time for all these frequent porn cinema hook ups when he has a family and a job?

I hate the fact I sound like Mary Whitehouse here, but open your eyes OP. He's a sleazy creep who has based his life around shagging randoms, probably at the expense of his wife, family and health. Meanwhile you're running down your husband of 17 years who has been a good man, albeit dull in your eyes. Does he really deserve this treatment?

You want to have your cake and eat it now, but no doubt you'll cheat again. I think you're looking for something that doesn't exist, if I'm honest. Your amazing super macho dominant tranny OM isn't exactly relationship material is he? His wife isn't enough for him - sounds like nobody is.

You seem to want your husband to do all the work of pursuing you and growling at you or whatever, but do you ever actually do that to him? Do you ever grab his hand and drag him upstairs or do you just hover round pouting at him, waiting for him to initiate everything?

Either way it shouldn't matter because you should leave the poor bloke asap, he'll have a chance to find someone who appreciates him actually gives a shit for his feelings, and you can salvage what is left of your own decency. Better than continuing to cheat and being discoverered in 5 years time when your kids are older and it all comes out that Mum has been cheating on dad with blokes in dresses

You're having pleasurable, regular sex with him, and at this stage in people's lives, with jobs and a young family, that's often enough. He doesn't feel he needs to change and I'm inclined to agree with him.

Yes the OP shouldn't have cheated, yes this OM sounds vile. However you have zero right to decide what is enough for the OP, or that her DH doesn't need to change. I can totally see why the OP cheated now after reading her further posts, there's no excuse but I can see how it happened. Not everyone is happy with occasional, mediocre sex, lots of people do have a great sex life and express attraction towards each other. The op isn't wrong for wanting more, her DH isn't wrong for wanting less. However if they can't resolve this then I agree they should separate.

If we all settled on the grounds of a good Man then why don't we marry the first man that comes along?! Physical and emotional attraction are both deal breakers for me too.

I said it earlier on and everything you have said since has confirmed it for me... he sold you the emperors new clothes and youre wondering why your arse is cold. It - him - its a fantasy honey. I hope to god you haven't been on fetlife believing all the fanciful stories that are written there, either - i bet hes a member, infact I can think of three people (identical to him) it could be off the top of my head.

Ive been in the kink/fetish/swinging scene for a long time and you know, its easy for him to create this little bubble you seem to be living in when nothing is at stake. Real life just isnt like that. Im sorry. Even if you do leave your DH - (which I think you should as youre prioritising your need for wild hungry sex over truth, health and decency) you will not find what youre looking for. They only exist in the mind of EL James...

If even half of what OP has said is genuine (i doubt this is the case tbh) then, I don't know, I despair of human nature. What nonsense. A nice long spell as a penniless single mother would be richly deserved.

What a thread! I 'd reckon theres thousands of men out there who'd love to have you around!

Thank God you're here, Justaboy. For one brief, ungodly moment, I forgot that my fuckability should dictate everything I do, including my MN posts. I'm so glad you reminded me.

hmmmmmmmm I dunno what to say folks

les said the better then;!!!

Goats, Thanks for your long reply. I think it seems to many like a big betrayal because of the promiscuity of OM. Bear in mind I found out several months in about the frequent sex with men and stopped as soon as I found out. And there was no “love” affair just a contorted friendship. We never had intentions of going very far with it.
Also as for the risk to DH I was not talking about spitting or swallowing. There’s a big difference between giving and getting oral sex with men. Giving to a man as in my husbands case doesn’t carry risks as far as I understand. You also can’t spread STIs by kissing. So if I’m minimising it’s because it’s well...minimal.
I do wonder if I am asking too much but if so and if I was perfectly satisfied then I think the whole sorry story would never have happened. I read about mumsnetters with “great” sex lives after 25 years but ours was never great just ok. Should I be happy with that? Maybe. Maybe. I don’t see myself telling my kids I left their Dad because I wanted more exciting sex.

But your DH doesn’t want more exciting sex so either it has to be enough or you break up. You can’t expect him to do things he’s not comfortable with and you ought not have another affair. Unless you have a proper conversation where you can find some middle ground on sex then those are your options.

Jesus he sounds fucking revolting. Have a word with yourself.

You might not tell your kids when they're older but your DH might.

You are still minimising Op.

I think it seems to many like a big betrayal because of the promiscuity of OM.

The betrayal comes from you having another man's cock in your mouth.

I'm beyond shocked at how self absorbed you are, it's staggering!!
I think if you could just stop thinking about your own needs just for a moment, could you just put yourself in your dh's shoes? He deserves to know the truth, this isn't about what you want or need, it's about giving him the right to decide if he wants to remain with someone who not only cheats on him but discusses his sex life with a stranger.
You don't deserve him, walk away and embrace the sexual opportunities of single life. You're husband and dc deserve so much more than you.

God, I feel so old. Why on earth are you comparing your dh, honest, reliable, decent man, slightly dull after seventeen years maybe, with what is basically a hugely promiscuous rentboy/man who advertises himself on sleazy sites.

He only tells you his wife is okay with this. The reality is more likely that she goes along with the swinging but does not know about the rest. What about the fall out for his children should this all become common knowledge. The issue here is that he cares more about his sleazy lifestyle than his family ie he cares only for himself.

You have had a lucky escape here op. I think you should move jobs, because when the fall out comes and it will, you will be implicated in the sleazy scandal that will follow. Time to think about your own family rather than yourself. I actually hope this is made up.

Incidentally you wouldn't be telling your dc that you split because the sex wasn't good, you would be telling them you cheated on their Dad. Get real, are you this staggeringly selfish and self absorbed in all areas of life? God help your dc and any family or friends you may have if you are!!!

Hi OP - I've not read all your thread but I think you are failing to grasp a few really essential things.
The first is that you have been played by a man that knows what he is doing. And he also feels superior to you - but as that makes him 'dominant' in your eyes and is a huge sexual trigger for you - you've been given this 'taste of honey'.
It's similar to seeing a professional sex worker - who has skills and experience to tap into a client. Wives and husbands can't f**k like porn stars because life isn't like that. It's part of their appeal.
Secondly- it's not the health risk that is crucial- it's the huge betrayal. You have destroyed the trust your DH can have in you.
Thirdly- you had a chance to express what you need from DH- what it means to you and how he might fulfill you better. Instead you've chosen to write him off in that department and trash your marriage. You have given him and your marriage no chance.
Finally- your obsession with your experience is due to your own history - that's hit something very deep and hidden in YOU - but no one here can see or understand it because it is not a thing - it's a thing in YOU!
My advice? You will never be truly happy with your current life and your only hope is to come clean. Your DH might leave you - although you might get the sex you are looking for before he does (it's a common thing following betrayal I think?!) But he might - just might - see you and himself and your marriage in a different light and want something more fulfilling for both of you. But you can't go on deceiving and pretending and longing. It depends on your DH and he deserves that choice - it's his life too that you are stealing.

Perhaps you could give your husband a heads up then, and see if he is happy with the 'minimal' risk you've exposed him to. Instead of violating his consent.

babybaubles that's basically what I'm saying. OP's DH clearly feels fine with their sex life as it is and obviously doesn't realise that OP craves wild sex with transvestites. Why should OP's DH change? This isn't a case of a DH withholding all sex and physical affection - that's cruel and there's no excuse for that. OP thinks DH is sexually dull, but actually he's just what a lot of people are. OP and DH therefore need to break up so OP can swing from the chandeliers with impunity.

OP, agsin you are minimising the risk of STD. I'm sorry but you are. You're still swapping bodily fluids. If a sexual health expert comes along and corrects me fine, but anecdotally I've known young men who have caught things from being given oral sex. Don't pretend you were thinking of the risk to your DH when you were giving the OM a bj.

Seriously, I mean this for your own good- break up with DH now, while you can still salvage a good relationship with your kids and coparent with your DH, otherwise you'll do this again, you'll get caught and all hell will break loose

Tea. I've read your thread last night and today. I think you've hit a cross-road. A self discovery moment. When you look around or have your eyes opened there is no more of an awakening. And it does happen. Especially when you hit 40. And we do stupid things. People do have affairs. Marriages are breaking down everyday. We are human beings and imperfect.
Embrace the crossroads you have arrived at. You should address this and perhaps life can't go on with your DH. I think you are missing this point. You wouldn't have played away or risked everything if you weren't getting a thrill from it. Being paid some attention. It could have been anyone because under the surface and from what you have posted you aren't really being paid attention.
I never thought I would be away from my ex-h. There's not really a lot to say. I didn't think I could survive the guilt of 'breaking up' our family etc. But I was not happy with our sex life as well as a vast amount of other stuff.
I think this is the real issue here. Whether you can do this and survive the next 20/30 years with the same. Or whether you confront the 'issue' and make it happen.
No one deserves to cruise through life unsatisfied - whether that be sexually or emotionally.

Sorry but you are wrong and about exposing the risks of passing infections through kissing and giving oral sex. They are virtually inexistant even for giving oral sex. Receiving is different. I have read up on this.

Where did you read up on it, Hugh Hefner's guide to getting women to offer you a rim job at any cost?

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/970.aspx?CategoryID=118