Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

Omg.. I have an openish relationship. My DH and I try different stuff but this is not a good situation! If you are going to try things everyone has to be 100% on board and honest. I'm blown away that you are doing home HIV tests - get yourself to the clinic, tell them what you've been up to. I'm not man-sex shaming but it is a risk factor. Get every book and cranny tested and protect your husband and family.

This guy sounds like a massive sleaze - we go out and about to clubs and stuff and I can't imagine anyone we are friends with in this sphere being cool with what he's doing. He's a liar!

You know what struck me...he goes swinging with his wife via websites with other couples. I’m guessing the woman of the other couple has oral sex unprotected with him when they do meet. I can’t imagine he tells the other couple that he has regular sex with men. And he can’t be the only swinger doing such things. Yet you would NEVER know. So if any of you do meet men in this way no matter how trustworthy or normal they seem you have no idea what you could be exposed to. I’m pretty paranoid about diseases which is why I stopped as soon as I found out (I have an appointment with the clinic tomorrow)

The other side of the coin is: he is always smiling, relaxed and at ease with himself and seems to really live for the pleasure of sex which he sees as harmless fun. Unless he gets caught short one day I reckon he’s going to live a long happy life doing what he’s doing. It was also kind of refreshing to get to know someone so liberated and someone who said “try this and this with your husband...a great sex life will make you both happy”.

I did say earlier that I wanted to get this written down to put things in perspective and I am going to be staying married to my DH so I know I need to get to the bottom of my fascination with this guy. There are quite a few things that I discovered that turn me on sexually that DH and I have never ever discussed.

That's a good point you make - I personally wouldn't have unprotected oral sex with a random. Throats and mouths are very vulnerable places to illnesses. I'm actually very careful and prudish in a way!

I'm glad you are going to the clinic - hope you are clear.

There's lots of people who love sex and are very creative with it - it sounds like he's the first hedonist you've met but he's not a good example. Also swinging isn't black and white. It's not all or nothing. The possibilities for participation or involvement levels are endless.

Would your DH go to a club or party with you? You could just hang out, have a few drinks and chats and see what it's about. It's often quite pedestrian really! But it's pretty much always fun with a good, open atmosphere. I think you should see for yourselves and then maybe this guy won't seem like such an icon to you.

Also they often have quite a good buffet at these things it's really just a night out, not Sodom and Gomorrah

Eww, why's he giving you sex advice about your husband? It's weird. I think he does it as you idolise him sexually, he doesn't want to help you really. He wants your relationship to be crap so he can play the sexual night in shining armour. He can't be all that himself sexually if his wife has to get her rocks off swinging with other men. Think about it, you find him appealing as he's not your comfortable norm, he's her norm so to her he's not exciting at all so she gets that from other men. What exactly was so fantastic about him sexually anyway?! From the sounds of it you had a bit of foreplay, it's the newness and wrongness of it making you weak at the knees, not him. He cheats on his wife, he seeks out struggling relationships and inserts himself in the centre of it like he's the pearl of all sexual wisdom and every man/woman's dream.

I’ve talked to DH about it but he’s made it clear it’s not his thing at all. He would accept a threesome with a girl like most guys fantasise about...but could not bear to see me with another man... (he admitted he wouldn’t be able to stand the idea that I might enjoy it more.) I do realise from reading up (on reddit and so on) that the swinging clubs have lots of nice normal people but also that it takes a very strong relationship which is something we don’t have right now.
Yes OM was the first real hedonist I met and I knew him for about a year as a pure colleague before anything happened and to be honest did not have the vaguest clue what was behind the exterior. It does make you wonder though what people get up to behind closed doors. Those fetish clubs with jails and whatnot...
OM described the swinging with his wife as the pleasure of watching his wife get pleasure and seems to feel no jealousy in that context. He is completely obsessed with lingerie and has been dressing since a very young age (7 or 8). I can’t help but feel it’s almost impossible for him to repress it. At the same time he’s super masculine and heterosexual in day to day life. He admitted it is totally bizarre how he can only touch a man when dressed up. I did develop a real affection for him, it was not love but I did admire his courage and confidence. Ok not great to cheat on your wife but I was actually the instigator and not him. If things were different I would love to be able to talk to DH about him just to broaden his mind. I had masses of preconceived ideas which were totally wrong. The spectrum of human behaviour is pretty wide....

Babybauble, he would write stuff like “I would be happy for you” if I took him up on his suggestion. His wife is absolutely head over heels with him. He upholds his side of things by making lots of time for his family.
In any case my feeling is that sex is his passion in life and he thought he’d found an apprentice in me. He only responded to my emails and very very rarely initiated anything with me. So it wasn’t him pushing to get in the middle.

We did really just have some foreplay yes. What I noticed was how skilled he was at picking up on what I liked in his gestures...a sort of sex natural. That was a first for me. DH doesn’t have that degree of intuition or whatever. I have to tell him to hold me down or push me against the wall...he doesn’t kiss hungrily ... I don’t know why some men get it quickly and others don’t ... Sure I can tell him but it’s nice when a guy just gets it.

Tea - it's maybe not the time right now but you should get some deep chats going with your DH. If he's not 'hungry' as you put it, then maybe there is also something missing for him. Not that you aren't sexy and wonderful but just that you don't know quite what pushes his buttons.

Sexuality is a wierd thing. And it's not like we are taught to value or explore it. It's also a bit scary.

I'm lucky that I have a very open dialogue with my DH. I also have years old friendships with a few people that we can just say anything to each other so I've had the experience of seeing people I'm not involved with grow into certain things.

Mr dress-up is my idea of a nightmare! But he has served to open your mind and so I think you should share that openmindedness in your marriage.

Plus, I have to say, an extra woman is no guarantee of less jealousy. My DH has found my relationship with my girlfriend challenging at times just because of how we just get each other and are great friends. But she's married as well... It's just a really nice supportive romantic relationship. You just have to talk, everybody has to talk!

I'm a bit embarrassed now I've said all this because I know a lot of people find this stuff unacceptable. I have been to clubs where people are wearing rubber and tied up and doing wees on each other but believe me, I would never do that! I just enjoy seeing people enjoy themselves - I like the taboo aspect. Like I say, it's a spectrum. You could just use an experience like that to hang out with your partner and talk about stuff. Boundaries are everything - don't get drunk, don't get carried away and just see that loads of people are basically wierd and vulnerable and there's no harm in it. Or just stay home and chat. What you can't do is bottle all this up and get frustrated and mixed up.

I've been to these clubs too, always felt very safe, safer than I am on the average street when any old shitbag thinks he has the right to harass me. I agree they only seem like a huge big deal if you've not been to one. But I don't think OP's husband sounds as though he'd be up for it. From what she's told me, it sounds as though that's a sphere that just doesn't interest him.

She's told US, I meant. We've not been in private communication. Baby had me up three times in the night, not functioning properly.

You need to be forceful with your DP to make him understand that you NEED to shake things up in your sex life. You say he won't do role play and prefers tenderness (I inwardly cringe at that. Reminds me of the Colin Farrell sex tape...). Making love is fine but it does need to be interspersed with fucking, doesn't it? What about changing the setting? Outdoors? Somewhere risky? Watch some porn together so you can show him what you like?
I feel bad that you haven't had all the wild experiences pre-marriage, OP. Because then you'd have the memory bank to look back on and not feel discontent with a safe, friendly marriage. Hmmm. I don't mean to make you feel worse, but I suppose you do only live once and you're at a crossroads really. It would be fair to your DP to tell him that. Not that you cheated but that you're bored and not sure you can go on like it.

Come on OP, tell us the truth, this is for thursday's creative writing evening class, isn't it?

No creative writing here, honest. You’re going to cringe but I found photos of OM on an escort services website where he offers to help men‘realise their fantasies’ and he lists all the stuff he’s willing to do or have done to him. He didn’t even remove his wristwatch for the photos so someone smart could see it’s him. He doesn’t know I know about this. I could blackmail him to high heaven, LOL.

I did have one slightly wilder partner before DH who was great in bed but hard to get on with. The trouble is I am DHs first sexual partner, he is maybe my 6th or 7th. I discovered how to come quite easily with men as I know what positions work and I know my body so I have never had a problem with that even if not mega aroused. But I do want more than the same old thing. I dress up a bit at times and it gets him going but he doesn’t seem interested in being rough with me as I’d love. I send him websites and recently we’ve watched porn a bit together which was quite nice but I would like him sometimes to just grab me. I feel like it’s not in his personality. He doesn’t feel the need. He is crap at kissing which is a shame as I love it. Now I make him kiss me but it’s nothing like as good as a previous boyfriend or OM. And when I try to tell him what to change (close your bloody mouth!) he starts to get offended.
Is this a lost cause ? Tbh it’s not new and OM just reminded of what else is out there. Sex has never been a big part of our marriage but I was brought up to think that passionate great sex is just a phase. I read other people enjoying it for many years and wonder if I made a mistake. Like many I put the kids and sleep first for years but now they are past that my drive has come back and I am confronted with a partner who doesn’t see sex as a big deal, just something to relieve (his) pressure every so often. This is another reason I would like him to be with another girl with me. I want him to experience more and make him want more variety.

I have told him I’m bored but it’s hurt his feelings and he told me recently sometimes our discussions don’t help, that he doesn’t really want to talk about it. I could pull my hair out at times. Maybe I am not diplomatic enough but it’s bloody difficult on such a sensitive subject. And on his part the DESIRE is just not there. He is not hungry for it. And I need him to be hungry for me like OM when we kissed, or like my wilder BF. DH just puts on his PJs and gets out his reading books in bed and his idea of initiation is groping me a bit. There’s no bloody seduction.

When I say he is not hungry I don’t mean he doesn’t fancy me because he tells me he does. But he’s just not that adventurous and thinks sex isn’t really important. So I don’t feel much hunger for me. I remember one time a long time ago OM put his face in my neck and made this animal growl....my DH has and would never do that. But it’s so good to feel you really turn someone on.

That wild animal attraction is only a temporary thing though. You may never have had it with your DH but even if you had, it fades to something mellower.

Your sex life might not be all you want it to be, but neither is many other people’s. Maybe your DH doesn’t find you the ideal partner. Maybe he’s got a bit in the side you don’t know about. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Sex is not the be all and end all. Live your hedonistic fantasies in your head and commit to the man you made your vows with. He may not excite you but please stop betraying him.

Jesus Christ love, life isn't like a Mills and Boon novel.

Unless you want to go around giving tranny doms blow jobs I guess.

Everyone likes a bit of rough at times, and sex is a fantastic part of life, but your affair partner seems to base his whole life and personality around it. Frankly I think that's a bit pathetic. A lot sadder than your nice, kind DH who you've raised kids with, has presumably worked hard for his family, and still loves you and wants to have sex with you. OK so he might not take it up the arse from other men and growl at you, but neither does he run the risk of giving you an std.

If you're genuinely not happy in your marriage then that's different but you shouldn't have cheated on your DH. Imagine the conversation where you tell him you've caught HIV from a bisexual tranny, and he might have it too. Seriously??

But it’s so good to feel you really turn someone on But in OM’s case, everyone turns him on. He’d shag a phone book. What’s flattering about that?

I did say that I stopped seeing him as soon as I found out about the promiscuous tranny business.
I am not saying that the affair was a great idea. I should just be happy with what I have of course you are right. I do need to recognise that I am easily bored, and I think from reading other threads that some of us will have affairs much more easily than others. I don’t lie or cheat in anything else in my life and I have always been very responsible with the children, money, my job, etc but am able to rationalise the idea of an affair more easily than many of you. That’s why I needed to be told by others how crap I am because somehow a siren doesn’t go off in my head. It only went off big time when I realised the risk of an infection and made me stone cold about the whole thing.
If DH cheated on me I think I would be hurt but I would understand it. But he has a very different personality type to me.
Aside from my personal weakness in this the whole thing made wonder if we have the best marriage we could. The answer is clearly no or surely I wouldn’t have been so easily tempted. So that needs to be worked on, or we should split.
Thanks for all the input critical or not. As I said it’s therapeutic to get it written down.

I don’t know why but I don’t feel much remorse about what happened. It sounds terrible to say. I would feel suicidally bad if I gave him an infection....but as to hurting his FEELINGS I somehow don’t think I care enough. I even sometimes fantase about being set free from our relationship. That sounds terrible I realise and doesn’t give much hope for a great marriage does it. When my children cry I am very affected for them and I hate cruelty to animals though so it’s not like I am totally unfeeling. It’s as if I am a bit cold hearted sometimes as far as DH is concerned. The warmth I felt for him long ago seems to have disappeared and I don’t know why.
I think you’re all going to tell the cold hearted bitch to leave him but we have a functioning relationship and we share everything very equitably including childcare. We do cuddle and talk. It’s just I don’t care deeply enough about him somehow. Otherwise how could I have been so inconsiderate of his feelings? Does anyone identify?

Very interesting to read your story and I think there are many people out there for whom fact is stranger than fiction.... I pass no judgement. Perhaps you could have some relationship counselling with and without DH. It's very easy to condemn someone for having an affair /fling but there is usually a reason. Good luck

I think it's because of the lack of intimacy (in to me you see). I'm not referring to sex, I'm referring to each of you allowing each other to be vulnerable with each other. So sharing your thoughts, not just about your relationship but about your hopes and dreams etc. You need to read some John Gottman and Andrew Marshall books. John Gottman has a love lab been studying relationships for decades. He nails it how the relationship limps to its death. Google The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (John Gottman).

This is one of those threads that I really hope is a bored troll.

If not, your husband deserves so much better than a selfish wife who risked his health and who badmouths him on forums whilst bragging about how amazing her OM was.

I think this is the most self indulgent affair apologist nonsense I've ever read.

And enough with blaming him for your selfish choices OP.