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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over a fling - help please

225 replies

MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 18:47

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:23

I didn’t have oral swabs but will ask for them

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:25

Smoking crack and discovering your sexual tastes were wider th you thought aren’t exactly the same thing

OP posts:
Anasnake · 18/12/2017 20:25

Wtf have I just read ???

stitchglitched · 18/12/2017 20:28

God why on earth were you so flattered by him? Sounds like he shags anything that moves.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:31

Initially I was really shocked and found it disturbing but I knew him as a person as well and just realised that there is a huge variety of people out there...it doesn’t make some grim and others not...he never did anything non consensual with the exception of a very brief fling with me. I found his open mindedness attractive and I was curious. But I also found the risk unacceptable.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:32

I wasn’t really flattered after I realised that, correct

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 18/12/2017 20:32

You are in a relationship that your husband believes to be monogamous whilst you were having sex with a man who meets other men, total strangers, for sex on at least a weekly basis. Have you continued having sex with your husband, leaving him completely in the dark about the risk you've exposed him to? If so you are utterly despicable.

stitchglitched · 18/12/2017 20:33

What do you mean 'non consensual?'

caringdenise009 · 18/12/2017 20:35

Could you persuade your husband to try sex therapy? A home grown comedy evening reading The Joy of Sex as an icebreaker? Something that introduces you to showing him exactly what you want, you what he wants. If you want it to work it's got to be mutual. It sounds like you've gone from 0-100mph and you can't expect him to get up to speed immediately, it can take years to become sexually compatible. I don't condone your affair, been horribly damaged by them, but I do understand it's not black and white.

NoOneElseToBlame · 18/12/2017 21:12

All I can add is I know how you feel. I was lucky though as my marriage ended and I was able to meet a man who has the same sexual tastes as I do without any overlap. But I will say I feel for you as I know how it feels to be totally unsatisfied sexually. Those with a "normal" sex drive really can't understand how big of a deal it really is to have a partner that matches your desires. Good luck - I hope things work out for you!

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 21:41

So maybe it was a wake-up, a shake-up to your current life. I guess he's not a real person to you, just someone that's shaken you from a stupor.

Again. I ask why?

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 21:54

No-one, I hate the derisory talk of those without normal sexual desires to those with. It's a tad patronising, and in the case of OP a tad erroneous I think.

I don't think OP has unearthed a hitherto unrealised desire for sex with promiscuous trannies that have poor boundaries and fucked up views.

I think OP may have found herself in a situation that she's unsure about. A mentally healthy person would not follow that path uninhibited and with alacrity, a mentally healthy person would question why a man like this was pushing their buttons.

Which, to be kind to OP, I think she's doing.

PoorYorick · 18/12/2017 22:04

I don't think OP has unearthed a hitherto unrealised desire for sex with promiscuous trannies that have poor boundaries and fucked up views.

I feel so guilty for laughing at this.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 22:17

It's ok Yorick, that view is laughable.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 22:18

Yeuch Yorick I italisised rather than bolded you.

Apologies.

PoorYorick · 18/12/2017 22:25

Didn't occur to me to be offended. Too busy laughing.

Justaboy · 18/12/2017 22:34

Suppose if a man came on here and said that the younger OW he'd met was giving him all the things his married wife didnt they'd be hell to pay;!

LTB LTB LTB etc.

I think you ought to decide if your going to stay or go.

Messing around with this one looks like i'll be more trouble then he'll ever be worth long term.

PoorYorick · 18/12/2017 22:53

Justaboy, have you read any of the comments? How could you miss the pasting OP's got and all the hopes her husband will dump her?

Are you now so obsessed with your agenda that you can't tell when it's actually in operation?

AnyFucker · 18/12/2017 23:38

Why let the truth get in the way of making a tit of yourself, eh Just ?

< pats head >

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 23:51

Pats the patters.

For reassurance.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 19/12/2017 05:55

stitchglitched, if you reread you will see that after finding out about his activities I met him only one time and we did not have sex. So no, I didn’t continue exposing myself...but what about his wife who has regular unprotected sex with him since as he told me they had a fantastic sex life.... and seems a lovely woman. Not my business but if the risk was that enormous I feel they would have both dropped dead by now. He has done this many more times than he can count.

The cross dressing fetish etc was not what turned me on but his confidence. I guess that came with his incredible ease with his own body. This guy knows himself inside out he has faced so many unconventional situations. If I could bottle that up and give it to DH I would.

Anyway I appreciate the views and advice. I needed to be told certain things. I will slowly work on things with DH. We have been talking so much more recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 19/12/2017 06:04

By non consensual I mean our relationship is in the view of his wife...she wouldn’t consent to that. But otherwise he has never done anything non consensual. He is/was not a monster just unconventional

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 19/12/2017 06:15

I didn’t think of going over The Joy Of Sex with him caringdenise that is a nice idea

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 19/12/2017 06:19

Yes he’s been someone who woke me from a stupor, correct but I didn’t realise the extent of the stupor until he came along. I repeat, it was never a “love “ affair but just some stolen moments over a few months and lots of emails towards the end when he revealed all that and I got worried and he never pushed anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 19/12/2017 07:31

HairyHands, your comments made me laugh too. Thanks for the smile. It’s easy to get bogged down in this.
I do have a thing for men being submissive to other men though. Is there very unusual? I also would be turned on by watching DH with another woman, I like seeing others pleasure. Might sound bizarre to some though.

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