Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

I even sometimes fantasise about being set free from our relationship

Then just tell him that you've carried on having sex with him without warning him you've also been giving blow jobs to a man who shags anything that that moves, including random men in porn cinemas, and you've not had a full health check yet. That ought to do it.

I don't think you are crap at all Tea. I think you just want more ooh-la-la in your relationship. And I think you are really mean Hecky Peck - good name, you sound like a bossy hen (although I'm sure you aren't really).

There's no need to think your relationship is over. You just need to talk, not about Mr Dress-up but just in general terms of not feeling fulfilled.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to mix it up a bit. Your husband owes you at least to try, just like you owe him the chance to react to your issues. Some people don't care about this stuff so they think it's stupid but you do so don't listen to them. Listen to what's right for you and give your DH the chance to say what's right for him.

I have just started reading your thread today so apologies if I'm making a point that someone else already has. A couple of questions - have you talked to friends about this, people who know you and life well who you could trust? I am curious as your story is complicated and has moved many posters to strong feelings. You've shared a lot of your emotions about your marriage in massive detail. If you have what was their response? You seem to be seeking validation from strangers about your choices and I wonder why.

Has your husband questioned why you are now trying to drive your sex life forward in this way after living what you have described as a "settled, responsible" relationship? After that long together you must know one another well and what you have described trying to talk/do with him about your sex life must be setting alarm bells ringing in his head. I think you are sexually infatuated with the OM and bored in your marriage which is why you did what you did, despite the lovely life situation you describe and decent husband - that's you trying to give yourself a talking to!

If you've been together 17 years, lots of people experiment, but why haven't you before? Your sex life with your husband may not become as satisfying as you would like however much you push it and that's a reality to face. What will you do if this is the case?

From experience, I can identify with how you feel about your partner - it took me a long time to realise it myself. I'm now happily with someone else with a very satisfying sex life. Whatever you do, my advice would be do it without hurting your partner and making safe sexual choices. You'll regret it later and won't be able to take it back. Good luck

OP's husband is owed the truth, so he can make decisions about HIS life with the whole picture. Maybe he would like the opportunity to get a health check up. Maybe he wouldn't want to carry on a marriage with a cheater. Maybe he would like the chance to find a partner who loves him for who he is and doesn't want to change him into something he isn't.

And Hecky Pen isn't mean, just injecting a bit of realism into this navel gazing nonsense.

I think for Christmas you could give your spouse the gift of honesty. You don’t fancy him and prefer giving blow jobs to randoms.

Your dh deserves so much better than you. You go on and on, and in every post you write I feel more pity for your spouse.

I’m not usually a fan of telling spouses about affairs because of the intense pain, and I think it is better to just get ones head on straight and treat their spouse right. But not in your case because you quite clearly will keep going until you get an STD,

Completely agree with Hecky, Stitch etc. Your posts are completely me, me, me. You've been selfish and reckless, your oh deserves much better.

I usually hate reverse the sex posts but would anybody tell a man who had been indulging in extremely risky sexual behaviour behind his wife's back that they understood that he wasn't feeling excited enough at home and and his wife owed it to him to try to improve their sex life? Not a chance.

And I think you are really mean Hecky Peck

Would you not say the mean one is the one who risked their husbands health for a 'little adventure' rather than the one who points out how selfish that is?

Reported. Transvestite indeed

Well yes, Hecky Peck that was a shit thing to do. I hate cheating and dishonesty but the fact is it's done now so I thought the point was to reach a point that the op could deal with. It's obviously a bad situation and that's why she's seeking advice.

See, I'm not convinced OP does want advice. She seems to be revelling in reliving it, has said she isn't sorry and is taking no responsibility for her choices.

That's also a possibility but on the off chance it's not, and it's just someone who's in a whirl of confusion then I'll try and be supportive and offer some suggestions.

I've never been in a situation like this but I can see how it would be difficult. Probably more so because it's just not in my frame of experience. It sounds awful and frustrating but I do think it's solvable.

I will keep reiterating: DH are having protected sex when we do, I never did more than kiss and give 3 blow jobs to OM (thinking all the while he was an average guy) and as soon as I found out about his lifestyle I stopped every thing. So any exposure to anything was unintentional and I have been tested for everything (tonight) and will have results next week which I expect to be negative. And no I will not keep going until I get an STD. I am personally paranoid about these things. This is not some sort of wilful deception to make anyone sick. I DID NOT know what he got up to until months into the “relationship”. Hope that is clear.

Yes it was selfish. Yes the posts are self absorbed but what else is the point in posting. I’m not coming on here to talk about the weather. No I am not going to tell my husband because I think it would do more harm than good. It would be fairer to break up with him maybe. But for now I am making choices for the both of us for what I feel is for the good of our family unit. I am not apologetic about that.

My DH is not perfect like many of you are painting him to be. No he didn’t cheat but he has neglected the romantic side of our relationship for years. He never compliments me on my appearance, never notices if I try to look sexy (for him), tells me I wear too much makeup when I wear nearly none, and when I tell I need to feel attractive to him he gets defensive and feels I am critical of him. He has not lied to me but he has also shows zero interest in talking about his or my feelings or asking me anything about what I would like. Or trying to turn me on other than a grope under the covers when HE feels like it. Maybe this is normal married life but I’m fucked if I find it satisfying. There is no emotional intimacy anymore. When OM let me in on his “secret”I realised how much I needed the feeling when someone lets you in. To me he became a friend. The sexual curiosity was a side issue and I wanted desperately to believe OM that I could have closeness with my DH through better sexual intimacy but there are other barriers to cross first. This affair is a symptom of a ton of things we are doing wrong and yes my selfishness but I went many many years without even looking at another man. There has to more than just slamming the unfaithful person and saying it’s all their doing.

Sunny779:
I have not talked to anyone about this. Over the years my friends have moved away and I have no one close by to talk to. OM fulfilled a friendship role to me for a while. I realised that I probably need to get some new friends but DH has for years hated me leaving him to put the kids to bed as my youngest was mummy mummy mummy. I have just started going out (once last month) with a local “ladies”circle (clothing exchange etc) and went to one event and it felt wonderful. But these people are not yet close enough to talk like this to.

Yes my DH questioned my renewed interest in sex which I put down to hormones and hitting 40. He has accepted that for now.

Why didn’t we experiment earlier. I honestly don’t have a clue why it didn’t cross our minds. Lack of effort, lack of inspiration, lack of chemistry, kids, sleep. It is a fucking shame it took this look and bloody tranny colleague to make me question things.

I don’t want to hurt him deliberately. Nobody in their right mind would. But I do want to FEEL something in my life more than just this general numbness. I feel overwhelming love for my kids. For him I feel: mild irritation, mild affection, nothing. In the morning when he goes to work if I don’t remind him he won’t kiss me goodbye. When I come home he doesn’t really greet me. I certainly don’t feel loved and cherished. Conversely I don’t think he does either. But we keep plodding along and the kids have their stable home life.

Not everyone is trying to "slam" what you did and say it's all your doing. Whatever advice and support or criticism you are being given here, it doesn't seem to be enough or to meet your need. I think you should seek out some professional help to talk through your dilemma. You are avoidant of the potential impact of your behaviour on the people you claim to care about the most. You also talk about your husband not being able to meet your sexual and emotional needs but then have earlier said he has low esteem, you're his first partner etc etc. Is he doing the best he can or not? Either way you're unhappy. Take some active choices and responsibility

And you need some mates. I honestly could not function without my female friends 😀

You’re right I’m not going to find answers here. You either fall in “you’re a bitch” camp or the helpful stranger. But that’s okay I suppose it’s ordered a little more my thoughts.
I think DH has low self esteem and low experience and also low expectations. Maybe we need professional help but I hate the idea. I have no experience of seeking help for this sort of thing except self help books which DH has generally dismissed. But I will have to just keep trying. Someone earlier gave some references.

Well to be fair he doesn't think he has a problem does he or have I read that wrong? Until you started telling him he did cos your sex lifes not upto the mark by your standards his life was tickety-boo?! I meant get some help for yourself about your emotional whirlwind so you can be measured about managing things with your DH who deserves consideration honesty and respect.

No he didn’t think things were ticketyboo. He complained about that I wasn’t depositing enough in “the love bank”. But he would never sit and read a self help book on relationships. Seems to feel my expectations of life are too high and I should be all Buddhist about things and accept them as they are. Trouble is I think if we just carry on I will want to do it again one day and I don’t want to keep cheating. But he doesn’t know that part of the problem. So it’s tricky to motivate him. I felt like telling him just to shock him into changing things but I think it would be irretrievably broken. So I’m keeping quiet and trying to do it other ways. Pushing him to talk more etc.

As I said, get some help for yourself to help you both in the long run. Best wishes

Thx

If you kiss or give oral to your husband you risk exposing him.

You had another penis in your mouth.

It’s not about your husband being perfect. What you are doing and how you are thinking about it is phenomenally destructive and selfish.

FFS. Well thanks for that @HipNewName. Let's hope you never struggle with anything, eh? If you do, please post on mumsnet for support and advice. You know what they say about karma.

Why are you taking that post so personally Sunny? Don't you think it's important for the OP to know the different ways in which her husband could catch something from her?