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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting over a fling - help please

225 replies

MyTeaHsGoneCold · 17/12/2017 18:47

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

OP posts:
Talith · 18/12/2017 09:20

I think it's virtually impossible to put the genie back in the bottle. Once you've cheated it becomes second nature because you know you can get away with it. So unless you have a strong resolve to put things right it sounds like your marriage is on the way out. It might take a year or two but I've seen it happen a few times over the years.

Myheartbelongsto · 18/12/2017 10:26

Christ almighty woman tell your husband so he can run a mile!

I would absolutely not want to be having unprotected sex with someone that was shagging a swinging transvestite!!!!!

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/12/2017 11:55

I've read this to my adult son, he say's you are fucking grim and he feels bad for your husband.

Animation86 · 18/12/2017 16:42

I think he’s not self confident sexually
but they have also made me realise that something was missing between us.
but what to do....live like this...everything else is fine between us

Get help.

Honestly though your DH has been totally violated I hope he gets the fuck away from someone who risked their sexual health and family for the sake of their own "needs". He should have a choice in this, he didnt marry into this.

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/12/2017 16:53

You are an actual disgrace.

AnyFucker · 18/12/2017 16:55

"And now another guy is showing interest...."

I'll bet he is. Word gets around.

PNGirl · 18/12/2017 17:03

Bloody love how you label it a fling and not an affair to make yourself feel better.

feeeeona · 18/12/2017 17:07

Your poor DCs and DH.
And poor poor OMs DCs.

Grim.

Angelf1sh · 18/12/2017 17:11

Ffs...🙄 OP your husband has made it clear that he’s not interested in the kind of sex you’re after. That’s it. You don’t get to challenge him on that. There’s this thing called consent and you don’t have his. So now you just decide whether your husband is the person you want to be with, or not. If you want the sex more then you need to leave him, it’s not fair and you’re behaving appallingly (you have put his sexual health at serious risk and I think you said there’s only been 6 weeks since it ended, which is insufficient time for full sti screening to pick everything up) and continue to try to minimise it. It’s not on OP, you need to grow up.

And if his wife was genuinely happy about him swinging, he wouldn’t have hidden you from her.

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 18:54

Thanks for all the comments, positive and negative, it’s fine to receive a kick up the bum really. As far as STIs goes, DH and I have used condoms as I have thrush that is nothing to do with OM, and my clinic offers HIV tests after 6 weeks. I didn’t however know about the transvestism and swinging from the beginning and we saw each other only once after that because it hit me that he is a liability and I told him as much. However he has continued to have unprotected sex with his wife of 20 years and has been seeing men for 25 years so claims he has nothing as it’s always been protected. If I were his wife I would make him get tested but that’s their business. I didn’t ever have unprotected sex, so risk is very low but will do all the tests anyway.
All this aside I honestly don’t want to be getting into any more adventures, because I cannot honestly say my sexual needs are more important than my family’s stability. I will say that OM’s kids adore him and he does an awful lot for them he’s not a monster or I wouldn’t have gone near him, but he feels those needs shouldn’t have to repressed in order to have a happy family life and tbh he seems to succeed in it because he’s extremely good at hiding things from people. Honestly I think he only told me about the swinging because he wanted me to be as happy as he is...he told me “sex makes me happy”...he is generally totally at ease with himself and doesn’t really worry. He told me I was being a hypochondriac... I guess we are all different and his life is working for him.

OP posts:
IrianOfW · 18/12/2017 18:54

What exactly do you want from us? You have behaved badly and so has your MM - his wife accepts his occasional sex with men but she doesn't know about you? All I can recommend is that you get IC to see what makes you do this to a, as you state, good man and father. If a bit of kink is what you want I suggest you make an arrangement with your H, or get a divorce.

Thickasmince · 18/12/2017 19:02

I didn’t ever have unprotected sex, so risk is very low but will do all the tests anyway.

You said in your OP that you have been tested for STI’s?

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 19:03

The sex with other men is not occasional... it’s weekly. She accepts that but she doesn’t want him seeing other women except swingers with him. So yes we broke her rule and our rules but it is over now. I just needed to get it written down and out of my system.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 19:34

I’ve been tested for some STIs...swab for stuff like gonorrhoea & chlamydia and will do blood tests this week for the rest. I did a home test for HIV which is negative but to be sure I will also do the newer test which detects earlier and I’ll get the thrush treated once all is negative...but how many people do oral sex on a casual boyfriend and then rushed off to get tested for STIs before another relationship...? Honestly the risk is very low. But I will still do the tests.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 18/12/2017 19:38

The risk is significantly higher if the casual boyfriend has sex with men. And tbh, you’re minimising it again- you’ve deliberately put your husband at risk without his knowledge or consent. However small the risk is it’s still a shitty thing to do

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 19:58

Yes it’s higher which is why I am doing the tests. I wouldn’t be able to live with the idea of giving someone else a serious infection. That’s also been my wake up call. So I’m more reassuring myself than minimising it.

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 18/12/2017 20:00

Is your question actually- I have been sexually awoken by a fling but want to stay with my husband and bring that level of sexual pleasure into our relationship?

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:03

Yes it’s not a nice thing to do. I fell under his influence and he was so blasé about everything but he is so used to his own lifestyle. He goes dressed up to porn cinemas and wait for men to approach him. This is another world that I had no idea about. He seemed so normal, still does...a real double life

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:04

YES caringdenise !

OP posts:
Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:13

There was a side to my conversations with OM where it was very positive... he would say...talk to your husband..,tell him you’d like to try x and y...told me to be patient...he behaved like a friend and didn’t try to chase me...we only ever met up when I wanted to...there was never any romantic side but some emotional closeness when he revealed his hidden life to me...but I got cold feet and stopped chasing and he left me completely alone. I am left wanting to improve my sex life with DH but when we talk there are many things he’s not that interested in...I haven’t pushed the issue but wonder if we can become more compatible and closer....the irony is that our relationship has actually improved since the affair started because of the awareness I gained and the conversations that OM encouraged me to have....

OP posts:
guest2013 · 18/12/2017 20:14

You need to set time aside for sex with your husband.. go on dates, learn to find him attractive again, tell him over a bottle of wine what turns you on. Sometimes normal life gets boring. No one's perfect and you only live once, you don't need us to tell you it's wrong. Hope it works out.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 20:20

He sounds utterly grim, and I say that as someone who's had all manner of sex in my life.

I've met men like him many times before, I think you need to have to have a serious conversation with yourself about what exactly you found attractive about this kind of reckless and incredibly high-risk activity.

WantingMuchMore · 18/12/2017 20:20

I hope you had oral swabs when you went for testing OP....

Original poster
MyTeaHsGoneCold · 18/12/2017 20:22

Thanks... I am doing some of these things....finding DH a little disinterested at times as I suspect he has never been that bothered about sex...but I want us to have the best sex life that we can...and me to not feel like looking for thrills elsewhere as I unfortunately did.

OP posts:
ILikeyourHairyHands · 18/12/2017 20:23

I would equate your 'sexual awakening' to that of a middle-aged woman who woke up one day and decided that her life would be immeasurably improved by taking up smoking crack.

And ask yourself why.