Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

Yes, it is too much of to ask of a long term partner. The sex was so exciting for a couple of reasons:

1. It was a new person. Always more exciting with a new person, and obviously something that no term partner can offer.
2. It was forbidden. Sneaking around is exciting and adds an adrenaline rush.
3. He was playing you. He has a lot of experience and was using very practiced moves. I also think that the reason he made suggestions about your sex life with your husband is because he really wants to fuck your husband. Lovely thought isn't it?

I think you need to figure out if you want to stay in your marriage or not, because you are playing a game that often ends in a nasty divorce. Unless you want to loose your husband and end up alone, you need to pull your head out of your arse. Your DH sounds like a decent man, I suspect that if you screw up your marriage, you'll regret it.

As I said last night, my life has been hideously affected by the consequences of other people's affairs. If I was in your husband's position I think I would like to know the whole truth so that I could make an informed decision about the relationship. In his position I would probably end things. If you want to work it out with him, you might have to abandon the fabulous sex. You can't have everything in life, there's a thread here somewhere started by someone who's never had mind-blowing sex and Wondering if she ever will.

and tbh he seems to succeed in it because he’s extremely good at hiding things from people.

On top of everything else; you must see why this is an issue.

If this was anything more than you being one of many "flings"; you'd be one of those people that he hides everything from. Which would mean you weren't getting much of the stuff you listed that was such a turn on. His attention, flirting, confidence.

Anyway; I'd be concerned that someone has been less than silent about this, given that another man is now showing interest, and you're getting a reputation for this. You won't want to believe that, but it's true.

And then you need to evaluate that you chose to have an affair, whether it felt like an addiction or not, and now you are tempted by another one. You're unfulfilled with your husband and it's not fair to treat him like this. Is it time to you decide that you made the wrong choice with him, or you've outgrown him, and go your separate ways rather than asking him to be someone he's not and emulate your OM?

You’ve titled your thread as wanting help ‘getting over it’, but from your posts you don’t seem to want to.

The entire thread is like an ode to the OM. You even want your husband to become more like him.

You’ve said you won’t come clean as its not worth ruining your ‘marriage’ etc, but your husband in this thread is merely an afterthought and his lack of sexual interest is used as an excuse for your behaviour.

I am certain that if OM contacted you again, you wouldn’t think twice about continuing.

I don’t necessarily believe an affair is the absolute worst someone can do, however when the person shows no remorse and expects the faithful one to change, that is when it becomes unforgivable.

You seem very interested in pushing boundaries, which is fair enough. That’s your business and preference. But if your husband is not the type of person to be happy with that then you need to let him find someone who will respect him and you can then go about finding someone on your level.

He's never done anything non-consensual to his wife, even though he married her without telling her all this stuff about himself? Sounds like he tricked her into marriage under false pretences to me. She may now tolerate it but you have no way of knowing how she really feels about it all, and the fact that she has tried to put some boundaries in place suggests she's not entirely happy with his activities.

You may not have continued exposing yourself health wise once you found out but you continue to expose your husband. You say yourself you haven't had a comprehensive check up yet presumably you are sleeping with him. Whether thid man's wife has sex with him unprotected is neither here or there, that is her choice and risk to take. Deciding you must be safe because they haven't dropped dead yet is too stupid for words. You can take that risk for yourself, you have absolutely no right doing that to your husband. You are behaving in an entirely non-consensual way to him.

I doubt very much he wants to fuck my husband. He doesn’t really want to fuck me tbh. I was the one pushing and he just went along but doesn’t contact me or anything.

It does sound like an ode to OM. But you are doing a good job of making him sound like a right arse. Which he probably is, partly, but not totally. My DH is the innocent party which is why I’ve stopped and I will keep trying to improve things between us. Of course he couldn’t compete with a new OM.

Agree that OM duped his wife before marriage. I guess he thought she would never accept it. I don’t agree with it and told him that she is an angel and he agreed....but she is head over heels with him. And they have 4 DCs and he’s the breadwinner.

We are having sex with condoms, when we do, as I explained further up.

I’m not really tempted by another affair after all this. It has been good to get it all written down and hear some different perspectives. I didn’t expect anyone to condone it but it is like a bubble so you tell yourself it’s not that bad. Of course it’s bad and I needed reminding of that.
It is not DHs fault that I am a thrill seeker to some extent but I think I will just repress that side of myself and in parallel work on better communication with DH. It’s definitely not worth throwing away a family life for the thrills of sex. I thought for a while that I could have it all but of course I can’t.

@MyTeaHsGoneCold

You've discovered by having the fling with OM, that you need more sexually and emotionally than DH can give you.

If you can't get what you need from DH , what do you think you'll do next, going forward?

My first stop is really to try to improve our emotional closeness. We had it in the past I feel but before the kids arrived (9 years ago) and since then our relationship gradually became more and more “functional “ . Sexually I think it was never really there and I was just kidding myself that it would be ok as we were otherwise very compatible. But I think sex has to be less important than emotional closeness.
If we can’t get to a point where we both feel satisfied I will either have to repress my needs for the sake of a stable family or we will end up splitting. I think splitting is totally the last resort though. There is still something to work with.

But I don’t believe in leaving him FOR someone else. Because affair partners are just fantasy partners. It would have to be a clean break and start slowly dating again. As I said I never viewed OM as someone I would try to be with...I just fell briefly under a spell probably due to what was missing at home and a dire need for some attention. As perfect as I may have made DH sound he has not been great at making me feel wanted nor have I him.

If we can’t get to a point where we both feel satisfied I will either have to repress my needs for the sake of a stable family
LOL why did you not apply this before you started shagging around?

@Animation86

Maybe the OP is exploring. Maybe she's trying to work out how to be who she's discovering that she is.

Maybe she's trying to work out how to do that within her marriage after her eye opening fling.

Maybe you don't approve of her exploration but as you're not her judge and jury, that doesn't matter does it?

I actually think I didn’t really know myself properly when we got married and did not really understand what I needed. I thought I did but on reflection I didn’t have the whole picture.
I just found this article which actually explains the reason for my taste in dominant men quite well.... I am unfortunately the more easily bored, slightly anxious and also disinhibited type. At least it could explain why I got sucked in by him, he was those things (dominant while seemingly caring)
www.google.be/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201505/why-some-us-seek-dominant-partners%3famp

And I haven’t really been “shagging”, some intimacy that was inappropriate but not all that much at all... I just got a flavour of what I could experience with someone else who is really really different to DH and it’s made me question everything

I think it's lovely you found a different flavour of jizz. Most enlightening.

Yeah wasn’t really referring to that but thanks for the useful comment

It's as useful as your narcissistic navel gazing

Sure it’s narcissistic navel gazing, but that is what a lot of people do when reflecting on their lives and what they want. I also spend plenty of time dedicated to my family but this forum is about asking help for myself yes. Is that so terrible?

You don't want help you just want to talk about your sleazy adventures

Gosh this sounds dark...so debauched. Hey each to their own I suppose.

You know what, now you've tasted the rainbow, sex with your DH is going to be meh. This OM was the forbidden fruit and shouldn't have been eaten (scuse the pun) because now you're probably never going to be satisfied.

Affairs suck!

Maybe you don't approve of her exploration but as you're not her judge and jury, that doesn't matter does it?

Na but there’s a man out there who hasn’t consented to sex with someone who’s been having it off with someone else. And he isn’t allowed his day because he hasn’t been told. Someone has to speak up.

And the quicker people realise how much damage is cause by affairs, the better. Why can’t we treat the people we marry better? It’s a violation.

At least it could explain why I got sucked in by him

Like I said before, you didn't 'get sucked in'. This isn't something that just happened to you.

You claim to prioritise your marriage and to want to manage these desires without acting on them. Yet here you are, banging on endlessly about this guy, reading up articles about the issue, sharing them on here, telling us about how you fall into traps and get sucked in.

You come on here telling us you want A, but every action and every other sentence screams that you actually want B. If you want B, own that choice and prioritise it and do what you need to do.

As I said before, I don't believe affairs are all the same and I don't think they're necessarily a sign of unadulterated evil. But fuck's sake, I'm really losing patience with the way you continually relive and glorify yours, while claiming to want to work on your marriage.

Decide what you want and own that choice, but stop with the cognitive dissonance already.

You say it's his confidence that turns you on, but it looks to me like he choose you for a reason. You were most likely a project for his ego, you view him as confident and like some sexual master piece. He sounds grim tbh, all's I imagine in my head is some letchy guy like him from Ricky Horror, and your the woman who screams that 'touch me' scene.

I believe any sex life issues can be resolved with the right effort and help. But you sound like your craving excitement, passion etc. Long term relationships will never be like a one off night of passion. I doubt the OM wife finds him very exciting tbh, swingers often swing chasing the high of passion that has died in their relationship.

Rocky Horror, got terrible flu.. hence many terrible typos oops!

I had a relationship with a man who reminds me of him.

He was full of charm, charisma and bravado. Everyone adores him. Calls himself a heartbreaker. In reality he's a sad old fucker, who's led a life addicted to fucking men and women in public toilets, cheating, sordid exhibitionism, misogyny and porn.

Grim.