Getting over a fling - help please

[MyTeaHsGoneCold]

I am probably going to get a flaming here but I just really need some help and support to make sense of things and not let them go wrong again.

Married just over 10y, 2 DC, together 17y. My DH is a good man, reliable, honest, great father to kids, breadwinner, stable personality, we have similar values and standards in many areas, we like the same music, and the same activities, we have similar backgrounds...no money worries....on paper we have an almost perfect relationship. There are of course things that bother me....he's quite introverted which is a social turn off at times (he's socially inhibited and often seems ill-at-ease which somehow winds me up), sometimes a bit of a nag and controlling person to me and the kids and doesn't excite me, unadventurous, and unspontaneous....he doesn't have a massive libido....we do have weekly-ish sex which is pleasurable but pretty repetitive, yes I have tried lingerie and some other things ....but it's probably never been what you'd call passionate...and our relationship has gone stale over time, especially with the DCs and 2 jobs and us both not putting enough effort in...although I didn't realise how much this had affected me .....

Then this summer a (married) man I work with who is a super confidant, dominant type started subtly flirting with me and I fell for it pretty much immediately without hesitating long to ask myself if it was ok to do so I stumbled into a physical fling, became briefly obsessed, then let it peter out into what became an email correspondence on intimate subjects (including the state of my sex life...) and a little bit of on-off sexting during the week. The physical relationship was not more than some stolen kisses / caresses and a total of three blow jobs, but I have to say it completely fired me up and made want sex with my DH much more.

DH didn't really understand the change and started to tell me I was obsessed with sex...of course the origin of it was conversations with OM (who is a bisexual transvestite who has regular (safe) sex with men ...as the 'passive partner' ....yes, with his wife's knowledge (she found out after they were married that he had been doing this since he was 18...and it was a big drama but apparently she has accepted him as he is, I think she is an angel and told him that). All this despite appearing a very masculine, dominant man when he is not cross-dressed ....and on top of that he is also a swinger together with his wife. He claims he and his wife adore each other and are very close. Yes these men do exist, he showed me photos of himself in drag and I even found him back online advertising himself to other men....you could say he's highly driven by sex....and he encouraged me strongly to try lots of new things with DH to improve our sex life as it will make us a happier couple. He is a respected figure in his community, runs a sports club, has four children who have no clue, family man etc etc and no one would guess his double life. It actually makes me wonder how many men like this are out there. But all this is by the by)

It has been 6 weeks since I have had any contact with OM, it is not a thing where I love him or anything, but he made me feel things my DH never made me feel - he was so dominant, and confidant and that was so incredibly attractive....it made me think have I married the wrong type of man and what is wrong with me that I have been drawn to this? I have felt very guilty at times.... I realise that it has been incredibly selfish of me to embark on this but I need to understand WHY.

Before anyone says anything; I don't plan on telling DH about the fling, because it would hurt him far too much and destroy our home ....I am not eaten up about the OM as it was really not love, but he made me feel desirable and he was the confident, seductive man to me which somehow DH is not able to be...DH admits to being unable to flirt and I haven't realised until now how important it was for me to feel desired...but it is not worth throwing a marriage with away for. And yes I had myself checked out for STIs.

I don't want us to split, and I don't want this to happen again, I want our marriage to have those feelings...but I realise that he'll never be that dominant confidant man that made me melt...has anybody else has this experience and come out better? We do talk more than before...it's just that feeling of raw desire that I miss terribly...is it too much to ask of a long term partner?

The other thing is that while it's true people don't fall into affairs and make decisions, there is a brain & hormonal chemistry around affairs, illicit relationships/ sex that can put people in a bit if a brain fog and affect rational & moral decision making.

OM is sex obsessed. Whether that’s weird or not I think it’s a matter of context. He clearly doesn’t know how to be any other way. He wanted to inspire me to reach the same level of sexual consciousness that he has as he feels his life is perfect and he can get away with it all and carry on being respected at work, socially (he runs events and is captain of a sports club) and by his kids WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THEIR FATHER IS. When I think about it it’s shocking but he’s extremely relaxed about it all. I suppose we are attracted to total opposites to what we already have. But this is more a question of my very easily influenced personality. I need to be much stricter with myself and much more self aware.

Whatever level of sexual consciousness he's reached (!) he certainly hasn't reached any level of personal responsibility, morality or decency - his wife's gone along with swinging but he's still fkg around behind her back.

No doubt he's a special snowflake and a deep, complex character and all that jazz, but who gives a fk - you shouldn't.. You've learned a lesson, concentrate on yourself and making yourself happy while acting with decency.

Yes he is fkg around behind her back. He would argue that it was me who incited that but he willingly went along. He told me once long ago that she asks him if he’s ever slightly late “are you seeing another woman “ whilst laughing. So she suspects but gives him mega freedom and like a little kid he takes it. Anyway. I have lost respect for him and myself but I cannot be thinking about him, as you say I have to figure myself out and behave decently. I am glad you all gave me a massive kick up the bum as I was really self justifying everything.

Those of you who would never cheat: Why Not?

My DH can be quite reserved sexually, and I know how it can make a woman feel, hence understanding your reasons earlier. I haven't and would never cheat though, as the idea of losing him is horrific to imagine. I believe that there are many reasons men/woman struggle with sex in long term relationships and if you both want it to last you have to talk and try understanding yourself and eachother to move forward.

I know you blame your DH for your lack of passion OP, but do you act passionately towards him? Passion works both ways, if you sit back and wait for him to suddenly act passionate then your just as much at fault here. Would you say your guilty of that OP? Not saying it's definitely the case but it's something I saw in myself after years of blaming my DH. Things improved massive when I contributed passionately too.

Hang on a sec, your story keeps changing.

at the beginning it was a couple of blowjobs now it's six or seven times but only for half an hour. I mean please. that's not romantic, going for meals, staring into each others eyes.

the hours and hours and hours of flirting, in restaurants, expliring eachother sexually for hours? quick and shag in the morning? all the exciting bits you have not had any of this.

you are delusional. now you're saying six or seven times? for half an hour.

In the work car park? or it was so exciting that you forgot to mention it to your husband when you got home? when he asked how was your day? I mean please. this just isn't adding up?

Also, I think you don't feel bad as you believe what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him so to speak. I have a friend who used to cheat and she felt zero desire to admit she had cheated. I could never cheat as the guilt would eat me up, I know i would have to confess and lose my DH. I also think due to you feeling like your DH has wronged you with his dull passion and attention, it's easy to blame him for it happening and reason it in your head. Do you actually care if you hurt your DH though? As in if he found out and was heartbroken would you care, or would you be more concerned about breaking the family up? If it's just the latter then I would question if you love him at all, if he picks up on this lack of care in general that may also contribute to his drive for you sexually. Just speculation op, not accusation. :)

That’s all it was. A drink at the beginning. A chase via email which kept me awake at night. A few snogs spread over a few months, leading to a few blow jobs. Always weeks apart. Never late home. Some texts and some intense emails. Then a final meeting then I told him his behaviour was too risky and by then the intensity had died down anyway so it was fairly easy to call it off. No I have not had any of the exciting bits really, no time or opportunity for it on either side. But enough to cause an awakening and for a while I was super turned on and it felt great. I also was more turned on by DH. But now it’s all died down and I am left wondering about life, relationships, sex, myself and my personality defects, everything.

Move on.

OP, you need to pull yourself together and stop navel gazing. You did a bad thing but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Have a proper conversation with your husband about sex and stop waiting for him to do all the running and try initiating stuff too. If you’re still unsatisfied then you decide whether to end the relationship or not but you’ve now swung from saying all this shit just happened because your DH is dull to now saying you’re suicidal over a couple of blow jobs. Ffs level out. Own your bad behaviour and actually talk to your husband and not to other men or to us.

Babybauble, I felt very guilty in the first few weeks and nearly confessed several times. After a while that fades as you are in a bubble and nobody tells you hi shit you are being. I have pictured telling him and his reaction and I think I would be on my knees begging for forgiveness. I do love him but am not excited by him and do not feel a strong deep satisfying connection. His drive for me sexually has never changed in all our years together. Always pretty mediocre. Put his pyjamas on and gets his book out and if he feels a bit of “tension” down ther he’ll grope me a bit in the hope I’ll respond which sometimes I didn’t for months. Since the beginning of the affair I started getting dressed up, bought heels underwear etc to excite him, which it did but then he started telling me it’s all too much, and even saying I shouldn’t spend too much on things (lingerie) as it’s not that important. He prefers sleep to sex. We have not talked much about what turns each other on and when I initiate those conversations he says finds it annoying to talk about it “all the time” so I have let the subject drop and just go along with what he feels comfortable with and the frequency he wants which is maybe once a week.

He has never experienced real passionate sex with a woman but I have (before him) and so he thinks that this is all there is. For years I turned that side of myself off prioritising the children. I was on Mat. Leave until 3 years ago and it has been the act of going back to work which has catalysed things. I started to observe other men at work and occasionally wonder but never encouraged or flirted until now this one occasion. And it has coincided with our youngest being 5 and not needing so much. Instead of going elsewhere I should have tried to rejuvenate things with him but I was aware I was so susceptible to an affair until it happened. But for years I have been reading on mumsnet about “happy” relationships. It took this to make me motivated to work on it. I feel slightly better now. Was having an emotional low earlier. Very up and down personality type emotionally.

Are you still banging on ?

Jesus Christ, ypur attention seeking is quite epic

OM told me several times that if we sorted out our sex life then we would be a happy couple as if it was the magic recipe. I believed him but now I am not sure if that is the case for a man like my DH.

Apologies for the long messages. Yes will admit to some attention seeking but mainly desperate to talk to someone. Feel free to not read!

You are tying yourself in knots with your navel gazing and analysing the OM. I doubt he has even given you a second thought, I'm sure he has had plenty of blow jobs since yours, from plenty of people too. Affairs happen, but risking your family security and your husband's health for a sleazy tranny who nails anything with a pulse? Just urgghh.

You are tying yourself in knots with your navel gazing and analysing the OM. I doubt he has even given you a second thought, I'm sure he has had plenty of blow jobs since yours, from plenty of people too. Affairs happen, but risking your family security and your husband's health for a sleazy tranny who nails anything with a pulse? Just urgghh

THIS... with Bells on

You’re probably right, he doesn’t really care. He is just looking for his next set of sexual kicks. I do realise that now. I will be putting my family first from now on. I have been very naive but also very curious. I will put it down to a life experience and get on with things. Thanks for the input.

Update: all my tests came back negative which is a big relief. I checked out some of John Gottman’s stuff online and it was very good. Despite the pasting I received on here I am happy I posted. Those of you who think it could never happen to you, please be aware that everyone is susceptible or wired to some extent for infidelity. In most cases it is simply a case of a period of prolonged emotional distance with a partner and an opportunity that you didn’t really see coming. It’s not a sign of deepest evil. The hunger for appreciation runs deeper than we sometimes recognise ourselves. That’s my two cents.

great news about your results OP.... we live and learn....

good luck

That's really good news. Best foot forward and all that.

Happy New Year

Great post Tea. I read your thread. Shit happens. It's happening everywhere and everyday - people just don't talk about it.

Ferris: Yep. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it....

Thanks Iron. With a little more time and hindsight, the infatuation with OM pretty much evaporated. I can definitely advise those embarking on an affair but in an ok marriage to wait it out and keep quiet. The feelings for the OM often fade with time. We are getting back on track, experimenting more in our sex life , it’s not perfect but spilling the beans would have ruined everything and I have gained some important knowledge about myself, life, sex, men (as well as cross dressing and fetishes) without throwing away a good relationship and affecting my family unity. It’s not like I would advise an affair, I would advise rather to do lots of experimenting BEFORE getting married and talk more about sex before and during your married life. That’s what I should have done. But that’s life really.

@MyTeaHsGoneCold

So what have you learned from all this?

Reading your last two posts I'd say a great deal.

Keep reading John Gottman and Dr Harley 'His Needs Her Needs' & his website (MarriageBuilders).

Good luck 👍