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Original poster

Losing it over new guy

205 replies

nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:14

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 15/10/2017 23:18

Jeez OP you're like a woman possessed! What's so fab about this guy? Who does he look like, in a film who would play him?

anotherdayanother · 15/10/2017 23:21

How old are you both?

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:21

pinkyredrose I have no idea! I don't know anyone like him. He is actually quite goofy, pretentious and serious. I am so confused.

He spent the whole night on Saturday gazing into my eyes, smiling, saying how much he likes me, carried my bags, kissed my hands etc. We headed back to his but I did not stay the night. He did not ask if I got home OK - big red flag. Yet next day he offered to cook brunch and go for a walk.

I am so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:22

anotherdayanother I am 34, he is 32.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 15/10/2017 23:22

I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

If he is threatening your sobriety then you need to fuck him off right now.

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:24

NotTheFordType I don't think he is doing anything to make me like that. I think it's how I am reacting to the situation.

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/10/2017 23:24

You need a date in the daytime where you don’t go anywhere near a pub.
Anyone can seem like God’s gift if you’re wearing booze-tinted spectacles but you’ll only really know how you feel in the cold light of day

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:26

dickiedavisthunderthighs Next day for a few hours we met up. He seemed very serious and pretentious. No excuses but we were both not feeling great after lord knows how many drinks and not sleeping until 5am.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:28

He is expecting me over at his place for dinner on the weekend - which we both know what that means. I am wondering about going and telling him I thought he could just be for fun but I would like to get to know him first. How does that sound? If only I can control my nerves and insecurity to suggest that.

I did invite him to a party but he said he wants to be alone with me. He said he has money problems so maybe that' is why or he does not want to do anything couply?

I haven't helped the situation, I have told him about one thing and one thing only so I would not be surprised if that is all he is expecting. But how to turn that around?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 23:29

'He tried very hard to sleep with me on fhe third date.'

What does this mean?

Op he is unemployed in his 30s. Keep that in mind when you think he is better than you! Has he ever worked? What was his last job?

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:30

C0untDucku1a We made out and he was trying but not forcing.

He has always been in study.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 23:30

he wants to be alone with me

Doesnt want to meet your friends.

C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 23:30

What career is he moving in to?

C0untDucku1a · 15/10/2017 23:31

trying but not forcing

After youd said no.

He honestly sounds like a jerk.

Belindaboom · 15/10/2017 23:33

Be upfront on what you want - it's better for him (or you!) to run before you get any further into this if you don't both want the same thing.

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:34

C0untDucku1a I know it comes across like that but it wasn't. Trust me I would not stand for that!

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:35

Belindaboom I don't even know what I want. I just know that I don't want to have sex so soon as I suggested to him. I have never been like this. No idea what has come over me. How to get over the nerves and vulnerability and telling him I want to get to know him better? Should I tell him when I visit him. I hope he does not accuse me of leading him on!

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/10/2017 23:37

Firstly, he can’t think you’re just after sex because you’d have done it by now.
What’s making me feel uncomfortable is that he’s somehow got you feeling like you’re on the back foot.
Is it possible that that’s something about him that’s making you nervous, and the booze has helped with that so far? If your gut is telling you that you need to get to know him more then you absolutely need to do that.
He hasn’t met your friends, presumably you haven’t met his. Please don’t go to his house yet.

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:37

All evening he has been messaging. I could not get rid of him. He was asking me about mundane things. And messages before I can even reply. Not excessive. But hardly behaviour of a player? Who knows, though, I offered it to him on a plate and he might just be excited about that! My experience of players is that they are a lot cooler. But what do I know! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:41

dickiedavisthunderthighs I have felt like this since meeting him and our first date was rather bland. He didn't say anything then. I was just dumbstruck by his looks, his physique, his education, his style, he is so sophisticated. My man in my dreams but a little more pretentious and serious than I would like. But I hardly know him tbh.

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 15/10/2017 23:46

All of this is superficial though. What are his interests, what’s the name of his closest friends, what are his family like?
You see a cultured and sophisticated man, I see bland and humourless unemployed eternal student who has pretty much already told you he wants to be looked after; and that’s some pretty needy behaviour tonight.

Please please don’t go to his house. Arrange a daytime date and make your decision based on how it all feels then.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/10/2017 23:46

Wow, you are overthinking this!

First of all, he sounds like a massive player. And the really good players don’t come over as players! So he’s just a great player. Reaching 34 with no significant relationships OR jobs is a huge sign he’s terrified of commitment.

The only way you’d “get” a guy like this (even you’d even want one), is to become even more scared of commitment than he is. So absolutely NO heavy chats about wanting to get to know him, etc etc. Blah, yawn.

If you don’t want to shag him, just don’t shag him. It really is that simple. Contrary to popular opinion, Sex really isn’t expected on dates. It might be hoped for, fervently, but it’s not anyone’s human right.

I’d cancel the dinner at his place (cancelling stuff will only make him keener), and reschedule for the following weekend, with dinner or lunch (even better) in public. Then run off st the end of it, onto another occasion, without him.

Ignore all the text stuff, that’s standard-issue player crap. The great players come across like lovely potential boyfriends; that’s how they get so many women into bed. Women avoid players.

Play him at his own game. OR scare him away with heavy crap about feelings. Scaring him off might be better for you, long term, as if you play him right he’ll only hang around you for ages.

Read “The Rules” and “Tje Technique of the Love Affair”. You’re not in love, you’re just infatuated. But infatuation can be much more heady than love, so I’m not surprised he’s all you can think about.

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:49

dickiedavisthunderthighs to be honest, i haven't asked him much about himself. i am so drunk and talk nonstop about myself. i am not proud!

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:49

dickiedavisthunderthighs well i know some of the things he likes but no names etc i know quite a bit about his family

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:51

WhatsGoingOnEh wow thank you! i am pretty afraid of commitment as well and he has already said i come across very standoffish. i think i am playing him at his own game as it currently is but it isn't good for me. some of my friends tell me to sleep with him then to judge what he does next.

OP posts:
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