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Original poster

Losing it over new guy

205 replies

nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:14

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

OP posts:
Nellyphants · 16/10/2017 05:23

It's a lot of drama & angst for somebody you barely know. I'd let it go.

Schmoopy · 16/10/2017 07:01

That feeling you have? The one you've not had before?

That's a warning sign. A lot of women mistake that feeling for love, but it's not.

I'd walk away if I were you.

Cricrichan · 16/10/2017 09:19

Good grief woman. Block and move on.

MotherOfTwoDragons · 16/10/2017 10:22

You keep saying he's pretentious like it's a good thing, is it a typo Confused ? I think butterflies are great but if it's to the extent that you are losing yourself, the dynamic will always be skewed against you, these are the situations in which women make mistakes and get trodden over. I think you are way too much in awe of this dude(deserved or not doesn't matter-it's how you feel)...he's looking for a mummy figure to baby him...red flags galore...I'd run!

raspberrysuicide · 16/10/2017 11:35

You describe him as pretentious like it's a good quality to have when actually it's an awful personality trait.

parklives · 16/10/2017 21:18

Just sleep with him.....he'll drop you like a hot stone.....end of problem!

Pebbles1989 · 16/10/2017 21:46

He sounds awful. I recognise this posh but feckless type. Your gut is telling you something; please don't ignore it.

LuckLuckLUCK · 16/10/2017 21:56

Eh, you haven't shagged him yet? Why not? I don't get it, you're attracted to him, do you not want to have sex with him?

KityGlitr · 16/10/2017 22:11

He's telling you he thinks you're coming off stand offish because a) it flatters you b) it gets you thinking you're in control and c) it gets you wanting to be more involved and chase him more to prove you're not. Decent players don't chase women, they are adept at finding a way to get the women to chase them. He's clever and got you crazy about him when you barely know him. I'm not a fan of games normally but given the fact he's playing them, I second the advice of what re cancelling plans etc. Everything she said is absolutely spot on.

Horsemad · 16/10/2017 22:29

I say this as a jaded old 50something, but OMG just listen to yourself!

You sound like a teenager who's got her first boyfriend.
If you want sex with him then have it; if not then don't but FGS go out and DATE and get to know him - build that relationship
S-L-O-W-L- Y.
And stop thinking he's out of your league; what rubbish.

HannahSpeyside · 16/10/2017 22:33

He’s a “mature student” with money problems.

He keeps telling you about “interview clothes” so you think he’s seriously job hunting and he’s at the last stage (like fuck do these “interviews” actually exist?)

You have a beautiful home and a good job.

He’s essentially priming you to financially look after him or have a “relationship” which involves him coming to yours to have sex and cooking for him.

Pretenditsaplan · 16/10/2017 22:44

He has a job. Hes a professional gold digger. Run. Run far and fast.

beesandknees · 16/10/2017 23:02

He sounds completely unbearable, potentially dangerous, and gagging to ruin your life.

Just because you feel a pull, doesn't mean this is something you should run towards.

There are some very sick people in this world who are simultaneously extremely charming. Snap out of it, block him, go cold turkey, and start taking better care of yourself emotionally.

LineysRun · 16/10/2017 23:07

Can you explain what you mean by 'pretentious'?

Orlandointhewilderness · 16/10/2017 23:16

oh for goodness sake. READ what you have just written in a dispassionate unbiased manner as if it were an anonymous post. You are being played like a salmon and this guy is NOT the man of your dreams. Finish it and find a lovely guy who you don't feel the need to play games to get and who doesn't give you this barking mad feeling because it actually isn't a good thing!

Mulberrybaby · 16/10/2017 23:27

Be straight with him, at least you'll know where you both stand and go from there.
Call me soppy, but it looks to me like you have BOTH fallen in love, hook line and sinker.

Enjoy every minute of it while it lasts...😘

Mulberrybaby · 16/10/2017 23:29

Players don't cook dinners for you or text you constantly... I think it would be more a case of out of sight out of mind! Then straight off yo find the next conquest.

LineysRun · 16/10/2017 23:33

Players don't cook dinners for you or text you constantly

Some do. As do some future nightmares in other ways.

Worriedobsessive · 16/10/2017 23:37

OP the biggest thing in your posts is that you keep getting drunk when you're with him. Not just tipsy but drunk. Regardless of whether this bloke is a keeper or a player, that's how you are reacting. And you can only control yourself, not anyone else.

If there is something about this relationship that means you have to be drunk to deal with it, then you're not ready to be in it.

Schmoopy · 17/10/2017 05:29

Call me soppy, but it looks to me like you have BOTH fallen in love, hook line and sinker

Confused
BaconAndBees · 17/10/2017 07:44

I recognise this type of man. Thankfully I have never been involved with one romantically.

Two things:

  1. You are not as sorted as you think you are. There are glitches somewhere.
  2. I am 100% sure you will regret this man in five years' time if you do not bin him now. You will lose the next decade of your life.

Get some therapy to work out what your issues are around committment.

HotNatured · 17/10/2017 10:17

OP I think you sound v insecure and not the confident person you want to think you are. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

All this angst over a virtual stranger. Not the actions of someone sorted, happy and confident I'm afraid, conversely, it's the behaviour of someone with low self esteem, and guys like the one you have met can sniff out that lacking a mile off.

And the poster who said

Call me soppy, but it looks to me like you have BOTH fallen in love, hook line and sinker

eh?

Confused
StormTreader · 17/10/2017 10:28

He says he wants to be vulnerable, to have you look after him, hasnt got a job and is texting you asking if his clothes look ok?
Hes looking for someone to be his mum.

Date him if you want but be prepared to do all the washing, cleaning and legwork.

M4Dad · 17/10/2017 10:30

From a bloke's point of view; he's playing you, perfectly.

TacoFlavouredKisses · 17/10/2017 11:05

Call me soppy, but it looks to me like you have BOTH fallen in love, hook line and sinker.
Enjoy every minute of it while it lasts...

What utter nonsense.