Losing it over new guy

[nextstop]

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

WellErrr he has a mental illness that delayed his studies and getting a job. his parents are wealthy and have funded him throughout his life, but that's not to say he is swimming in money. he lives a student, if that makes sense.

pigeondujour This weekend I kept insisting it, after that romantic time last weekend, and he kept arguing against it.

Thought he did take you out for a meal this weekend to celebrate your work deadline?

pigeondujour yes, he did. i had the 'talk' with him the following morning - this weekend just gone, to say we needed boundaries. he wasn't keen, said he didn't want to feel like a prostitute. later in the day, he agreed, and said we could keep it casual and take it one step at a time.

So, he makes romantic overtures
You go along with it
He is clingy and wants to see you lots and doesn't want you to go home
You go along with that
You say "let's keep it casual and fun"
He says he doesn't want to feel like a prostitute
You say "let's keep it fun"
You then say something to the effect that you are in danger of developing feelings
But "let's keep it fun"
You then panic and say again "I like you"
He says "ok let's keep it fun"

You are in danger of usurping your own self. If this fails, as it will, if he hurts you, and he will, you will eventually realise you are at least in part responsible for this. You are a head cooker lady, and when you have utterly confused this man and he takes you at your word and treats you like a convenient shag, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

To avoid this, be honest with yourself, be honest with others, be clear, be transparent, act with integrity, treat others kindly, don't play games with others feelings and act in accordance with your true intentions. Expect the same from other people. If they don't behave with honesty and integrity towards you then you know without any doubt they don't deserve you. That way lies self esteem, that way lies good mental and emotional health, that way lies good relationships with good people with good intentions. Good luck.

This is very confusing.
You're head over heels in love with him but you've told him you just want a casual fling why?

That's not how boundaries work, OP. But you're not looking for advice, you've just got bad mentionitis so crack on. Just don't be too surprised when what everyone's predicted comes to pass.

tinmachine initially i thought we could keep it fun, but he started acting romantic.

MiniTheMinx good advice, thank you. no idea what's gotten into me!

May I suggest that your problem is that you don't know what you want, you're scared of getting hurt and/or you don't want to commit to him because you think he doesn't feel the same. All that is fine but you might benefit from not trying to force yourself, at this stage, to decide what you want.
Your mixed messages to your man mean he's sending equally mixed messages back. Plus of course he may not know what he wants either.

So take the pressure off. If you want to meet up, want to cook, go out together, have sex, whichever of those things you want to do with this guy then give yourself permission to do it. Treat this as a getting to know him time. Give both you and him time to find out what you want and who each other are. Of course there is a danger that he is not who you hope he is and you will get hurt - if you don't want to risk that then get out now.

You sound made for each other. You both seem to enjoy playing mind games.
Both of you should grow up and say what you mean rather than saying one thing and meaning another, or saying something then going against it the next day.
Can't decide who's worse tbh.

thank you ferrier that's a very fair assessment. i accept i don't even really know the guy and i am unsure what he wants. what he says is very different to how he behaves. before, we agreed to just have fun (not date) because he said he didn't want a gf until he has a job. i think he feels very insecure about it and has said that he hasn't been able to get a woman because of it. well, he now has a woman who is interested, but he doesn't seem to be grabbing it. we haven't known each other long, let's say 6-8 weeks. but surely enough for him to know whether he might like it to progress or not - even potentially. so that's why i am acting all careless and fun. my gut tells me it is just sex for him and he's behaving all romantic as a way to keep me. but other people say it sounds like he does have feelings. others think i'm mad - judging by some of the posts on here!

You need to decide what you want first of all.

It sounds like you're both trying to second homies each other and posturing when it would be a lot smoother if you just told him how you feel about him.

Homies?! Aurocorrect, who do you think I am?
I've literally never typed that word before.

Right, so I have been trying to take a more adult approach. Since our talk last weekend, I suggested meeting earlier in the week, but he had plans with a friend and wanted me to come over very late in the evening - too late. When I said so, he said he was free mid week, but I went away on a work trip. I have instigated most of the messages since then - he has gone very lukewarm and distant. When I returned on Friday, I was expecting to see him this weekend, but he made no plans. So I suggested this evening, but he said he had a family meal and if I wanted, I could go over at midnight!! I wondered if he was upset with me, because last weekend I mentioned that we should set boundaries, cut out the meals, I just head over late in the evening etc. Remember, he got quite upset. Anyway, I explained that was too late for tonight and he wished me a good evening - without setting another date. I asked him if he was doing this because of what we discussed last weekend and he asked 'doing what??'. Instead of getting into the detail, I took a brave approach and told him that I liked him and wanted to spend time with him, and that he should let me know when he has time. He responded by saying 'that's so sweet! yes, let's do that.' So that's a good sign? But again, no follow up with a date. I've done my part for now. Still, no idea if he likes me.

My girlfriends all think he likes me, but I am sending too many mixed signals and he is probably trying to protect himself because he had a major mental illness. But who knows.

Very hormonal tonight, feeling a bit weepy. Could do with some words of support.

You're not acting careless and casual AT ALL.

And come on, you're both in your 30s and this is some kind of teenage over-analysing angst.

It shouldn't be this hard or require this depth of thinking after a few weeks! You don't seem ready at all to be in any kind of adult relationship.

Some women have a tendency to over-complicate things and try and explain non-interested behaviour as 'scared of his feelings' or 'pushing me away' 'protecting himself" or whatever and waste time on men that really, just aren't that interested.

Op, that's the third time you have told him that you like him, and the third time that he has not responded.

Sounds like it is time to move on.

You said this OP:
^Since our talk last weekend, I suggested meeting earlier in the week, but he had plans with a friend and wanted me to come over very late in the evening - too late.

Then you say I suggested this evening, but he said he had a family meal and if I wanted, I could go over at midnight!!

And then you say Last weekend I mentioned that we should set boundaries, cut out the meals, I just head over late in the evening etc.

Seriously, you don't want to go over late at night but you then suggest that you go over late at night? Which is it.

For God's sake stop this idiocy now. I have NEVER heard such a carry on in all my time - if you could mess each other around any more I'm not quite sure how you'd manage it! This type of person who keeps you not knowing where you are, there is only one way of dealing with them other than: back off, back off, ignore, ignore, move on.

Seriously. Give it up and move on. This is a road to nowhere (the end destination will be awful, and the journey will be even worse).

Sorry OP but he’s suggested twice now that he just wants you to come over late (I.e. just for a shag) and has turned down your offer of meeting earlier and has not responded in kind to your texts saying you like him.

He’s not interested in anything other than a shag

Op your posts don't make sense. You constantly contradict yourself and then expect advice from mners on what to do. You're hanging off the notion that this is all some romantic dream that's going to end wonderfully.

It couldn't be further from reality.

This situation sounds so messed up and damaging and is only going to spiral further downwards for you.

You need to work on yourself because in a few years time when this guy has worn you down to an emotional wreck (and you don't sound far off now) you'll wish you'd binned him early on. Get some counselling and work out why you're attracted to this behaviour in particular. You sound totally addicted to the drama.

You are fooling yourself massively if you think you are playing him.

I can't believe you are two years older than me.

This whole thing is so juvenile it's ridiculous.. reminds me of relationships I had at 14.

I think you need to figure out what the hell you want. Telling him he was just a bit of fun and you were rebounding is pretty messed up when you are on here obsessing over him and annoyed now he's acting the way you asked him to last week. You sound like a complete pain in the kneck. If you were meant to be there wouldn't be this much drama or hassle so early on.

Urgh you need to follow the advice you were given last month and walk away!

Get a grip

You've cast yourself as the player, the one setting the boundaries, the one playing it cool (I don't know if that's self-preservation or because you deep down know he's a loser). But that's not the reality of the situation.
You're low down on his list of priorities but he's not ruling out getting his leg over every now and again.
Just leave it.

I am embarassed for you