Losing it over new guy

[nextstop]

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

You're dating a pretentious giant baby......
What could possibly go wrong?

This is a major cocklodger in the making.
RUN
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It doesnt sound great - you are successful and have a beautiful home and hes never had a job and telling you he wants you to look after him.

the him wanting to be vulnerable is unattractive, i dont know anyone who wouldnt find that a giant turn off.

how can he be 32 and not know what to wear for an interview?! ok hes never had a job before but i still dont understand how he wouldnt know!

Also to echo everyone else: since when has pretentious been a good trait?!

Yep he sounds like a useless man child who is incapable of looking after himself-what an absolute turn off, I'd run a fucking mile.

Tell him you have a 'condition' and you aren't going to be able to have sex for ...oooh, about six months.

Then tell him that you are in financial trouble, you hope to be able to dig yourself out but it's going to mean no big spending for a year or so, and after that you're going to have to be really careful.

See what he does. If it's no biggie, then he's fine. If he starts to make excuses, then you'll know, won't you?

(I actually think your whole state of mind sounds really sweet, OP, but I'm concerned that he's a stuck-up (pretentious) job-shy (eternal student) cocklodger (everything else).

He sounds like an insufferable bellend and you sound naive.

It’s not by accident that you feel in thrall to him and that he’s better than you, he’s cultivating that dynamic carefully.

32 and never had a proper job? How many PhDs does he have then coz that’s a lot of higher education?

Run as fast as you can.

Trust your gut instinct. I once didn't and would have been spared a lot of angs if I had.

I fell in love completely with my partner from the very beginning.

Years on I still feel the same, cannot keep my eyes and hands off him etc - its sometimes not what I would choose- the sheer intensity so I know where I think you are coming from and where your'e going...

It didn't end well.

After the third amazing date, it was another week before I could see him because I was too busy. In the meantime, he started sending weird messages about how he thought all women are only into money, that's what they prioritize etc. Eventually, he admitted he was trying to get me to admit that I do as well. He said he's so used to women not being interested in him because he has no job, no money etc. I tried to reassure him as much as I could.

Some other weird messages followed but I won't get into those. He apologised every day until we met up for the weirdness and we did not stop messaging. It was so exciting. But when we met up, I had to tell him he crossed some boundaries that I was not comfortable with and he asked what my friends thought, so I was honest - they did not want me to meet him.

The mood deteriorated fast after this and it felt off. At the end of the night, he didn't make a move and I messaged him asking him if it felt weird and perhaps we were headed towards friendship. He agreed. Which was so strange because the build up was so intense. I've never experienced anything like it.

The next day, I was confused, so suggested we go on another date but he said he hated how pathetic he was and that I had a lot going on with work etc. He did, however, say that he could make it up to me and I could see him, if I choose to do so. It sounded pitiful so I said it's fine and he agreed. We continued chatting, pleasantly.

The next day, I couldn't resist my urge to have him and I suggested going to his place for fun. He accepted. We had a lovely time and he acted so lovingly the following morning - I thought he might be interested. But no, in the evening, he messaged to say he was there for me if I ever wanted to talk. I told him not to be such a bore and miserable, that we had a good time, and we could do it again if we wanted. He said he'd let me know. We talked some more and I suggested meeting up on the weekend and he said he'd bear it mind. So I guess he really isn't interested in anything.

Feeling so down about it. I finally meet a guy I really, really, really desire. And he doesn't want to get to know me more. Even the deadbeats with no jobs don't want me!

Here’s the thing as far as I can see - you’ve gotten wasted, talked about yourself non-stop and told him you want sex. Now it’s time to pony up you’re freaking out. You created this situation, not him. Chances are there’s no way to turn this around. Why would you want to date someone pretentious? It doesn’t sound like you actually like him at all - you’re just hot for him when you’re drunk. Time to move on for both of your sakes!

I hate to say it as I’m no expert but this had mess on it from the very beginning. Hopefully the sex was good so you at least got something from it.

You both sound like game players and I think he's lying to you on a grand scale. In a way he's like a magician with a hat full of tricks and is just waiting to see which ones you respond to.

I completely agree with WhatsGoingOnEh, great advice from her. However, I don't think you were much interested in taking any advice from anybody, you're just so besotted that all you want to do is talk about him.

He's not ended this, he's going to play around with you, wasting your time and you will waste your own time. You know what he is and you know your friends are urging you to back away but you won't. It doesn't matter what anybody says to you, you think this is some kind of grand passion, meant for each other drama and the fact that other people are warning you off is just catnip for you.

You won't stop until he's stomped your heart to pieces. I agree wth AnyFucker that you don't sound a together sort of person at all. I won't say that you sound intent on fucking up your life because that would only excite you the state of mind you're in.

You're wasting your time but it's your time to waste.

I can't believe how harsh some of these comments are. But it's a free world.

I am a very together person. This is why this has completely shocked me. I have never, ever felt or behaved this way.

Please be kind - I am not enjoying this experience at all.

And I don't think he'll contact me again.

If my comments are harsh, nextstop it's because I don't want to see any woman, but particularly one who isn't a teenager, making an absolute tit of herself. I don't want you to fling yourself at somebody who's intent on messing you about and helping you along with messing yourself about.

Your drinking is veering on too much and you don't seem to have control when you've been drinking. What would you advise your best friend to do if she was in your position? Would you get all giddy with her and cheer her on or would you be a friend and try to get her to stop wrecking her life and reputation? Your actual friends are steering you away. Think why that might be. Perhaps ask them and see what they say and why?

The way you're posting about this is all a bit desperate and I hope - for your sake - that he's tired of the game and has moved on.

Why are AF's posts being deleted? FFS.

Prompt deletion there

I'd be interested to know how my posts broke guidelines

I wasn't even troll hunting for once

Why can you be bothered with this sort of shit? Block his number. He's a grade A arsehole.

IMHE, the beginning of a relationship is incredibly exciting and full of joy. Whatever this is, it's not making you happy.

And why on earth would you go out with someone you think is pretentious?

I didn't see the first one AF, but the second one was a bit sharp!

My posts are sharper than AF's were. There was no personal attack in AF's posts at all just pointed good advice for OP to rein it in.

Move on, that chapter wasn't meant to be.

Onwards & upwards

A man who kisses your hands?
Jimmy Savile did that. Yuk.