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Original poster

Losing it over new guy

205 replies

nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:14

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

OP posts:
Andylion · 14/11/2017 04:04

OP, you went shopping for clothes for him, but he has no money. Did you buy anything and, if so, who paid?

CakesRUs · 14/11/2017 04:19

It was only reading a little way through the thread, that I realised “he only wants me for one thing” you were referring to sex, I thought you were meaning your money.

That new relationship/meeting an amazing guy feeling, is intoxicating stuff, makes you feel alive, but your intuition is speaking to you, listen to it.

SuperBeagle · 14/11/2017 04:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MiniTheMinx · 14/11/2017 04:53

Made for each oyher, both of you sound as mad as a box of frogs.

justkeeponsmiling · 14/11/2017 05:01

Wow. This totally bonkers. I agree that you sound very immature and quite vulnerable OP and I agree with pps that you might think you are playing him at his own game but that he has seen right through you feom the start and has you exactly where he wants you.

Pannacott · 14/11/2017 05:22

Oh gosh. Look up codependency and limerance. As a very quick rule of thumb, anything that starts so incredibly / passionately / addictively always ends badly.

That’s because it’s not based on two people building a relationship, it’s based on two peoples’ damaged and troubled unconscious parts of the self coming together in a fantasy of completion. I will fix you, you complete me etc. Obviously this isn’t true, so there has to be constant pull / push, pass-the-rejection around, to maintain the fantasy. It can go on for a very very long time, until one party grows weary of the drama. It’s true that you cannot beat the highs of this type of relationship, but they cannot exist without the lows of doubt, pain, rejection, anxiety, loneliness. In the end it won’t be enough.

Also, he’s got massive debt?

If you want to have children, now is not the point in your life to be indulging in this and learning the hard way. When it finishes with him, do not have any contact as the addictive compulsion will still be there.

Noimbrianfromhull · 14/11/2017 05:47

Oh Dear Lord.

tillytown · 14/11/2017 05:59

He sounds like a con artist.

MyOtherProfile · 14/11/2017 06:04

Oh my word what a awful relationship. He's totally manipulating you. If you have fallen for him why are you going on Bout fun and casual? Why can't you be honest with him?

*Later in the day, we went shopping for clothes for him(
Have to ask.. who paid for the clothes?

pigeondujour · 14/11/2017 06:19

I am giving him extremely mixed signals

You need to believe us when we tell you this isn't true. You are coming across to this forum AND TO HIM as very consistently desperate and vulnerable as fuck. Don't give him one penny more.

Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 08:00

pigeondujour all i talk about is fun, casual, that we need to cut out out romantic meals, i need to go over just for sex etc. not sure how else he can take it apart from mixed signals?

MyOtherProfile i think i'm afraid of making myself vulnerable.

MyOtherProfile CakesRUs Andylion he paid for his clothes, obviously. it's always 50/50 with the meals etc.

OP posts:
MorningstarMoon · 14/11/2017 08:19

You're both made for each other. You both sound immature, if you hadn't said your age I would have guessed a 16 year old was writing this.

You are giving him mixed signals also, you stated telling him you only wanted sex then texting him that you should admit to liking each other.

My advice is to stay away from each other.

Oh and your comment way up the thread about "not even an unemployed man wants me" is fucking awful. So because someone is unemployed they should automatically want someone like you Hmm

ferrier · 14/11/2017 08:37

I think you're getting some harsh replies here. But I'm not exactly sure what you're asking. Are you just using mn to pour out how you feel (head says keep it casual, heart has been sucked in) or is there something you want our opinion on?

Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 08:45

ferrier thank you. i know he's probably no good for me, but i haven't been any better towards him. i don't know what to do - i guess i am asking for thoughts and also advice on what to do. i do sense that he likes me a lot. i wonder if i have put him off with my behaviour - by talking of it being causal, sex, i'm not looking for anything etc. he's never actually said he likes me back, he just agreed that we should keep it casual and take it one step at a time. i try to not to respond to his messages, but i keep going back. i'm usually a very confident and self assured woman - can't believe i've been sucked into something like this!

OP posts:
WellErrr · 14/11/2017 09:11

Never thought I'd say this but I feel a bit sorry for him. You're leading him a right merry dance and he's certainly in no mental state for that?

Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 09:15

WellErrr Not sure - I did tell him I liked him. Twice. Last weekend, I messaged him to say that. Then again this weekend. He hasn't said it back. Just that we should keep things causal and take one step at a time. Which is fine. But I think about the other things he's said - eg, women become attached to him, it's fun etc. He's never had a girlfriend before. And says he does romantic things for women he sleeps with. I don't intend to hurt him.

OP posts:
Cockmagic · 14/11/2017 09:18

He sounds like a loser! No job, always been a student, he's 32!

I'd fuck him off he sounds like such a bore!

pigeondujour · 14/11/2017 09:26

pigeondujour all i talk about is fun, casual, that we need to cut out out romantic meals, i need to go over just for sex etc. not sure how else he can take it apart from mixed signals?

He'll take it how it is, I imagine, which is that you think occasionally saying you want it to be casual will negate every single one of your other actions that says the opposite.

I did tell him I liked him. Twice. Last weekend, I messaged him to say that. Then again this weekend. He hasn't said it back.

Ended up staying - sleeping in each other's arms, stroking faces, whispering sweet nothings.

one of us will develop feelings. He maintained that he wouldn't and he'd be surprised if I were to. I told him I was rebounding and sensitive.

Trust me, this guy doesn't believe even a tiny bit that you're looking for something fun and casual. He thinks you're daft as a brush and he's got pound signs in his eyes.

Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 09:30

pigeondujour He's being bank rolled by his wealthy parents - no issue of pound signs in his eyes. And I have kept insisting about boundaries, not going for meals etc.

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 14/11/2017 09:31

I think PPs (and your RL friends by the sound of it) have given you a lot of good advice - drop this “relationship” now - but you don’t want to listen.

This is not healthy. It’s not a FWB and it’s not got the foundations for a decent long term relationship. It’s a horribly co-dependant mess that will hurt you.

Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 09:32

Changedname3456 I think you are right. Not sure why I can't let go. I've left long term relationships with greater ease!

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstop · 14/11/2017 09:33

Changedname3456 one of my friends suggested telling him that when he as a job, is more settled and is looking for something meaningful, then to get in touch. maybe this is a better approach?

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 14/11/2017 09:34

Get counselling with a professional who knows about limerance, as suggested upthread. Good luck with this OP, you are going to need it.

pigeondujour · 14/11/2017 09:38

And I have kept insisting about boundaries, not going for meals etc.

What do you think 'insist' means?

*He then started cooking romantic meals - four course meals, special desert, music, candles etc.

I would cook for him and we could have a bath together at his place.

Then this weekend, he took me out for a meal to celebrate a big deadline I finished at work.*

WellErrr · 14/11/2017 09:39

None of this adds up I'm afraid - he's got no money but is bankrolled by his wealthy parents? Not troll hunting but I don't think we're getting the full picture.