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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Losing it over new guy

205 replies

nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:14

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

OP posts:
TacoFlavouredKisses · 26/10/2017 20:15

It didn't end well.

Quelle surprise. Block and move on now.

Garlicansapphire · 26/10/2017 20:21

I'm not entirely saw why you slept with him after he'd weirded you out with all those over the line texts. Weird and uncomfortable behaviour shouldn't be rewarded and frankly, you said you didn't think it was going anywhere then slept with him and offered to do it again. So really I'm not sure what you thought was going to happen after that. You're just offering a no strings attached fuck and he said yeah great, thanks ever so. Sorry OP.

Its good you're not going to see him again - he's not someone you can have a grown up relationship with - he's not got much to offer has he.

As a tip for the future I'd avoid getting into the constant texting thing. Its tempting but its not sustainable and takes you away from real life. There will be other guys but look for one who's solvent and believable and not one who makes you think you're not good enough.

And I'm sorry if you think people are being nasty they are just giving you advice so you can have better relationships with men. Some of us have been there - if they seem to good to be true - they usually aren't true! This one wasn't much cop - no job or relationships...... AAARRRRRRGGGGGGG run.

AnyFucker · 26/10/2017 20:34

Looks like I'm in the Dog House again Smile

DownbutnotfullyOut · 26/10/2017 23:06

told him not to be such a bore and miserable, that we had a good time, and we could do it again if we wanted. He said he'd let me know. We talked some more and I suggested meeting up on the weekend and he said he'd bear it mind

Ouch. That's gotta hurt. Leave it alone. You have offered sex on a plate and are getting the cold shoulder.

I remember reading an online thread about a relationship that started like this and ended up with the woman paying the man to have sex with her! Not kidding -it was a gradual progression that led to her becoming more and more obsessed and desperate to have him sexually. He started off with a "if you buy me a nice gift I might consider it" and it ended up with her having paid him a few times and begging him to fuck her for money. The whole tone of your posts reminds me of this thread.

Delete all his contact info and block him on any sites he may be on.

also if it wasn't for the unemployed stuff, I'd seriously wonder if you were dating Spencer Matthews

MiracleCure · 26/10/2017 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lollipop7 · 26/10/2017 23:35

@nextstop “I don’t think he’ll contact me again”
You missed out “fingers crossed”

He’s done this all before. He will again. He wants a patsy to bankroll him.
Go back to your nice life. It sounds great.
He sounds like a self serving conman.

crimsonlake · 26/10/2017 23:36

Seems you were determined to have him from the beginning despite what other posters warned and it has got you nowhere in the end.

RebelFreddyVSRogueJason · 27/10/2017 00:37

Right you slept with him,it turned to shit,now you can move on. Block,block,block.

nextstop · 27/10/2017 11:38

Garlicansapphire thank you - his insecurities did come through, he knew he did not have much to offer. that is why he kept talking about money, even asked how much i earned, then said he'd be earning more than that when he gets a job. clearly not a happy man. but i still wanted him.

OP posts:
nextstop · 27/10/2017 11:41

DownbutnotfullyOut yes it hurts my ego that he doesn't even want that!

OP posts:
nextstop · 27/10/2017 11:42

MiracleCure thank you for your kind message, it also made me laugh! maybe that is why he is being a little cold, he can pick up on the fact that i really liked him. will do all the things you suggest!

OP posts:
nextstop · 27/10/2017 11:43

lollipop7 haha i don't think he is a conman but he did say he liked the idea of me looking after him (because he can't look after me!). i think he's just a lost boy.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/10/2017 12:15

Just a lost boy

Jesus Christ

Garlicansapphire · 27/10/2017 12:28

I've met lost boys before. I just say 'I've already got 2 kids to look after why would I want another.'

Beware! And count yourself lucky you dodged a bullet. Find a man.

lollipop7 · 27/10/2017 22:48

A lost boy?

Is he five and separated from his mother in a shopping precinct? Or Jason Patric ? 😉😉😉

Sorry but come on. Leave him to it, lovely 💐

DownbutnotfullyOut · 27/10/2017 23:12

i think he's just a lost boy.

Ahem.

I did say I thought it was Spencer Matthews. Jamie Laing? Isn't he virtually unemployed? In fact is anyone on a reality TV show like Made In Chelsea actually "employed"....

nextstop · 13/11/2017 21:37

Things have developed. We had sex a few times, it was lovely. He then started cooking romantic meals - four course meals, special desert, music, candles etc. Two weekends ago, we spent the whole time together. When I wanted to leave in the morning, he was so upset. Ended up staying - sleeping in each other's arms, stroking faces, whispering sweet nothings. He opened up about a mental illness he has which explains the lack of job etc. Later in the day, we went shopping for clothes for him. The whole time, he was transfixed on my face, as if he was trying to read me. He mentioned going away on a trip, but then admitted he has no money (no surprise). Later in the evening, as I try to leave, he asks if he can come over to mine. I say no, but that I would cook for him and we could have a bath together at his place. He responds immediately, saying he is dying to try my food and can't contain his excitement. The following day, I leave, after he tenderly asks what he thinks our babies would look like.

The day before, he tenderly asked 'why are you such a sucker for me?' to which I put him down and said I wouldn't say that after how I have dumped some of my exs. I was teasing, but I don't think he understood. Later, I told him he was just fun, and I asked him if he ever talks to his therapist about me. He said yes, and that she wants us to be on the same wavelength - eg, fun because women become attached to him. I reminded him that's what I offered him and that I was out of a long term relationship and not looking to get into anything. I asked him why he was cooking meals etc, that I was worried - but he claimed to do this for women he sleeps with, that enjoys it.

A few days later, he arranges us to watch the fireworks. Then this weekend, he took me out for a meal to celebrate a big deadline I finished at work. He is instigating everything.

I am giving him extremely mixed signals. I told him how I haven't been in love in any of my relationships in years, and I am rebounding having come out of a long term relationship etc. I told him this is just sex and fun. Yet he continues to cook romantic meals etc.

However, I think I have fallen for him.

It came to a head this past weekend, he was upset again that I was leaving before he could make me breakfast. He really sulks. Then I told him we need boundaries, if it's just fun, otherwise all this stuff with romantic meals, dates etc creeps into gf/bf terrority and one of us will develop feelings. He maintained that he wouldn't and he'd be surprised if I were to. I told him I was rebounding and sensitive. He said he didn't want to feel like a prostitute - ie, if I go there just for sex. He said how much he enjoyed the previous weekend we spent together. I looked confused and asked him what he really wanted - he said fun - and I explained that what he enjoyed that weekend wasn't just fun and sex, it was gf/bf stuff. He said he wanted a gf when he has a job one day.

Later, I messaged him to say not to be upset and he responded by saying that he's happy to keep things causal, if that's what I prefer, and he agrees to be honest and that boundaries are a good idea. I couldn't take it anymore so I told him that I thought we needed to be honest and admit we like each other, and that while I didn't know him well enough to know if I would want more, if things would develop my side, we could explore it as an option, if he felt the same. Otherwise, we could keep it casual and fun. He said it sounded sensible, we should keep it casual and take one step at a time. He never said he liked me back...

I wanted to know your thoughts, guys.

I am head over heels for him and I am confused by what he says and how he behaves.

OP posts:
nextstop · 13/11/2017 21:41

I know you should always listen to what a man says, and I do normally, but his actions are very confusing. And I'm hardly being sincere myself.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/11/2017 21:59

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LittleWitch · 13/11/2017 22:00

Bonkers

witchofzog · 13/11/2017 22:33

I think you are both as bad as each other. You ARE giving him mixed signals and the way you describe everything is just too dramatic. You do know a new relationship should be fun don't you? This whole thing is just odd. Sorry op

nextstop · 13/11/2017 22:42

witchofzog thank you - i know it's odd. yet it's wonderful when we're together, most of the time.

OP posts:
youchangeyourusername · 13/11/2017 22:42

Honestly? You’re doomed. Too much game playing. Except you think you’re playing him at his own game, and I very much doubt you’re even close. He can probably see right through you and it just helps him suck you in further.

I bet he’s not posting on the internet, claiming to have fallen for you, while telling you it’s all fun and games.

PenelopePear · 13/11/2017 22:44

Beyond weird.

Maybe consider some counselling OP?

Myheartbelongsto · 13/11/2017 23:01

Oh dear this doesn't sound healthy at all op.