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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing it over new guy

205 replies

nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:14

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/10/2017 23:54

Have you ever read “He’s Scared, She’s Scared: The Hidden Fears Affecting [or damaging, sabotaging, something] Your Relationships”? If not, get it tonight on Kindle, then your phone off and read it.

If you’re a commitmentphobe (CP), then he will be SOOOO attractive to you. You’ll just go from being an active CP (running away from men who like you), to a passive CP (running after men who don’t like you).

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/10/2017 23:55

And ignore everything he says. You’re not being cold or standoffish - you accepted a last-minute date with him on that Sunday, despite being hungover! You’re coming over as SUPER keen. He’s just lying.

Original poster
nextstop · 15/10/2017 23:57

WhatsGoingOnEh oh book sounds interesting thanks. he mentioned i was being standoffish the night before. i suggested meeting the next day so yes i do seem keen. i am initiating a lot but so is he.

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 16/10/2017 00:00

Wow, you are overthinking this!

Agreed.

Very intense for only knowing each other a couple of weeks.

Original poster
nextstop · 16/10/2017 00:01

WitchesHatRim I know, I have no idea what is going on here

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/10/2017 00:05

Get The Rules book, the first one, and just follow it to the letter. It'll be so hard but it'll work. Like a charm.

Original poster
nextstop · 16/10/2017 00:06

WhatsGoingOnEh i think i've read similar books - about getting the guy to chase you? well this guy is submissive, he's practically admitted it

OP posts:
SemiNormal · 16/10/2017 00:07

The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. - Is it just me that thinks this is very odd and possibly a red flag??

Original poster
nextstop · 16/10/2017 00:08

WhatsGoingOnEh and because things haven't started off this way, how do i change that? i thought talking to him, by saying i wanted to get to know him first, would help ... would make him back off and realise sex isn't on the cards anymore. otherwise he's just going to think i led him on and i am being a tease.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 16/10/2017 00:13

I would run for the hills if a man told me he wanted to be vulnerable and for you to look after him???

GrockleBocs · 16/10/2017 00:15

Do you really want a relationship that has you buying books to understand it after a few weeks? It shouldn't be that complicated. Don't choose to be with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/10/2017 00:16

Submissive, my arse.

Sorry OP but he sounds like a real idiot.

crimsonlake · 16/10/2017 00:19

It all sounds very juvenile to me.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/10/2017 00:21

I was completely infatuated with my first DH and I do understand where you are; it takes over your mind. I had non-stop roundy-roundy thoughts about him all day long, and was prescribed anti depressants!

You won't realise what a douche he is until you break it off. I bet at the moment everything about him seems swathed in glamour - the music he likes, his interests, it all seems so exotic. Yes?

ReginaBlitzkreig · 16/10/2017 00:34

It sounds more like adrenaline than genuine liking, if you see what I mean.

Try and get him along to something with you and a group of friends-don't keep doing stuff that is just for the two of you. Ask him about his family. Just normalise it, see how it feels.

blanklook · 16/10/2017 00:49

From your OP he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him

He's a good age and has never had a job.

Wake up girl!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 16/10/2017 00:50

Well, guard your purse. He has told you who he is: unemployed, wants to be taken care of. He has been parlaying his good looks for a number of years and knows exactly what he is doing.

OrangeCrush19 · 16/10/2017 01:14

This guy sounds astonishingly like the last man I dated. His initials aren’t CP, are they..??

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/10/2017 01:21

No job, no relationships, yet he seems so attractive/intelligent/stylish..

There’s a catch, I promise you! You’ll be one in a long line of women who find the catch and run!

He’s creating false intimacy with so much so soon. Why does he need to do that with someone he barely knows? Because he’s lacking any genuine intimacy (close friends etc..) obviously I don’t know this but it’s my instinct on the situation.

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2017 03:11

Im not sure that he is a player actually. Who can really say? But whether he is or isn't - you are writing about him as if you are absolutely besotted yet you barely know this man. & you drink a lot whilst around him too. If you were a man writing this about a woman you'd be told in no uncertain terms that you need to back off before you frighten her.

He's a man OP not a God. You need to get a grip. Sleep with him if you want to so what? You are both grown ups. But if you don't want to then, don't. Doesn't sound as if he's trying to force you to. Its fine to have that feeling of what if, of anticipation and yes even fancying someone whilst you're getting to know each other. But to the level you are infatuated with him and getting drunk before you can talk to him - Im hoping you have family or a good mate you can talk this out with in real life

SpareASquare · 16/10/2017 04:42

32 and no jobs? Not a chance.

See no probs in sleeping with him and moving on but, beware, he sounds like a 'clinger'.

HappenedForAReisling · 16/10/2017 05:00

The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. - Is it just me that thinks this is very odd and possibly a red flag??

I have visions of him dressed in just a nappy expecting OP to bottle feed him Confused

FetchezLaVache · 16/10/2017 05:13

No Semi, this jumped off the screen and danced about in front of my eyes.

As did the only wanting to be alone with OP bit.

Call me melodramatic, but he sounds fucking sinister.

And why would you want a man you could only get by virtue of some elaborate game-playing?

Angelf1sh · 16/10/2017 05:14

TBH he sounds a right weirdo and doesn't appear to be bringing out the best in you so you'd be significantly better off just ghosting him now. He'd be no loss.

But you're not going to do that so... if you don't want to have sex with him then don't have sex with him. It really is as simple as that. It doesn't matter what you've previously "offered on a plate", you've changed your mind and that's that. Tell him you want to get to know him properly for several weeks on dates that involve no alcohol or sex. If he's genuinely interested in you then he'll be happy to agreed, but I suspect he'll get bored quickly or try to change the rules back early on.

The whole "vulnerable" thing makes me think you'll end up finding years of him sitting on your couch watching your tv until the day he leaves you (devasted) for somebody else.

I hope I'm wrong! Good luck OP.

wtffgs · 16/10/2017 05:18

It just all sounds a bit hard work and claustrophobic tbh

  • wants to be vulnerable
  • wants to be alone with you
  • doesn't want to mix with friends
  • no serious relationships before

It doesn't sound romantic- it sounds creepy. You seem to have been bowled over by his looks and education and I think he's very aware of this. He likes the power imbalance and will use it to make you submissive.

In all honesty, I'd walk away from this. It has unhappiness written all over it.

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