Losing it over new guy

[nextstop]

Some background: I am a confident, happy and successful person. I have a great job, a beautiful house etc, wonderful friends and a few long term relationships under my belt. I normally have my head screwed on. So I am not sure why I am losing it over a guy, for the first time in my life ever.

Met him online a few weeks ago. Good looks, well educated, cultured - the works. Only that he is still a mature student but is applying for jobs. I didn't take him seriously at first and thought he could be fun. Our dates have involved a lot of alcohol and I am not proud of the way I have behaved around him. It would not surprise me if he were after one thing - that is what I have been suggesting in subtle ways, because of his age and situation in life at the moment.

But I think there could be something between us, I want to get to know him more. Even though the other night I told him I wanted him and he wants to cook a meal for me at his house, I think I want to tell him that actually I would like to get to know him better. Who knows, he might run but that would just prove my gut feeling that he might be a player or at the very least not be ready for something long term.

But he messages me every, asks me mundane things about new clothes he's bought, asking if it's OK for job interviews. Not exactly player behaviour? The other day he said he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him. I was convinced he was after one thing and he may still be. I am confused about everything and I am so insecure around him and don't think I can be sober.

All I do is think about him and I constantly feel sick. To some extent, I feel inferior next to him. He's quite posh and far more educated than I am. I actually think he's out of my league. No man that good looking should be single and no man like him would be single forever - yet he claims he has never had a significant relationship. He is very confident around me - again, not the sign of a man who really likes me. He tried very hard to sleep with me on the third date.

I want to stop but I don't want to let him go. I have a feeling this is not going to end well for me.

Any advice most welcome.

The hardest lesson I have had to learn in life is that men don't only use us for sex. We all know they use us for sex, our grandmothers and mothers and every tv show has warned us about this since birth.

What nobody warns us about is that they also use us for romance. Some men are addicted to romance and behave so sweetly and make so many gallant gestures. They stare into our eyes, they comfort us, they worm their way into our hearts. And we think because they're not looking for just sex, that they're falling in love with us and are going to become our boyfriends.

Nope. They just like acting out romantic scenarios. They truly enjoy a cuddle and cooking a meal, etc. They do it with every woman and it means nothing.

It is heartbreaking. I've had my head done in terribly by these types more than once before I figured out what was going on.

He's not using you for sex or money. He's using as a romantic fodder. Please get out and be vigilant against this kind of thing in the future.

Like I said before, he’s been playing you, and you thought you could play him better. Yet here you are. Again.

Walk away now.

Oh dear. This remnds me of the games I played while dating in my early 20s. Wouldn't have the energy or headspace for this kind of shit now.

Get out of whatever this is, and get your head together.

Sounds to me he's either a total player who will go "poof" after first shag, or you are being groomed by a class act cocklodger.

You really need to calm yourself down - easier said than done.

Wow some of your replies are quite patronising and mean - not sure why! I've come on here for support, not condescending comments. I have had several adult and no fuss relationships, I am a successful career woman, but have found myself in this situation and have asked for help.

Anyway...despite these comments making me feel very unwelcome and like I'm an idiot, I will continue posting for the other very useful support I have received.

I think him inviting me over late at night - which he has only started doing this week - was a response to me saying that's what we should do last weekend. He was very upset and I thought he might be playing it back at me in response. Or maybe not - maybe he's just not interested, as a lot of you suggest. And that would be fine! I just wish he could say it.

He seemed very into me for a couple of weeks, instigating all messages, romantic meals etc - that's where I got confused. But it seems a little clearer this week with his behaviour.

Instead of telling me he doesn't want to continue, perhaps he is just keeping me hanging - his last message did say let's meet soon and do something properly soon. Enough to keep me hanging, if that's what I want, but not progressive.

Belleoftheball8 i know, right!

Support for what though?

Support in continuing to let him make a fool out of you ?

@ReturnOfTheMackYesItIs 😂

I think OP is getting posts deleted when she doesn't like them so it's all a waste of time.

OP... you say that your 'girlfriends' think he likes you. These are people you presumably know in real life. Why then are you seeking validation from posters on a chatboard who don't know you and who have been consistent from the beginning, telling you that this is nonsense?

All of your posturing is completely transparent. You're seeking support to bolster you up to carry on being silly and letting this man abuse you. You won't get it here, try the other place.

Yes she is. I said nothing offensive or anything that could be seen as a personal attack. MNHQ way out of line deleting comments that haven't broken talk guidelines just because someone whinges.

The OP will probably get the whole thread deleted for 'privacy reasons' once she gets a few more replies she doesn't like.

Waaaay too much hard work from the get go.
It's all weird and muddled and sloppy.
I can't imagine this ever becoming a loving, stable, long-term relationship and neither should you.

Op. The ladies in general are being super harsh to you. Unfairly so in my opinion. Just as well they don’t have there own issues!

Anyway. Here’s a guys view. I’ll be honest. He’s an A grade player. Different league to most players (by that I mean he’s playing a slightly different game to most players, but playing a game nevertheless). He’s manipulating you. I’m telling you this, it’s true. It will end in tears if you continue like this. He zigs when you zag. He’s keeping you guessing. He’s very very manipulative. I’ve seen this game before.

My advice? You’re unlikely to take it. But my advise is to make a clean break. If you don’t this will continue. You will get neither a stable, loving and nurturing relationship or a casual, no hassle root.

Cut and run. It’ll hurt for a short time, but will be better for you in the long term.

All the best.

Cleavergreene Thank you so much. I completely agree with you. I have a message ready for if/when he texts again - which I hope he does just so I can send it. Not sure if he will though!

Nextstop. I’d advise not to message. Or at least don’t engage. A clean break means going no contact. Go silent. No communication. No engagement.

''he wanted to be vulnerable and for me to look after him'' (All the time, or as a one off?)
He blows hot and cold, and keeps you guessing.
He wants your opinions on his clothes.
He makes you do a lot of guessing and running around after him.

Is he an autogynephile? It sounds like he's an AGP in the early stages of testing you. If he is its not likely he'll be up front with you about it. But if it turns out he is, you need to know what you're getting into up front. AGP's are very demanding, emotionally and financially.

Having a message ready to send doesn't constitute a 'clean break'.

I'd advise not to message as well. Just drop all contact and you'll heal more quickly. You have been royally played, he's strung you along for sex and some "fringe benefits" and you deserve so much better. I recently got rid of one like this and feel so much better for it. He wasn't worth my time.

OP, you may not like the posts that you're getting on this thread but you asked the questions and people have replied to you on the basis of the information that you've provided yourself. We don't know this person and we don't know you.

Again though - if you had the response from real life girlfriends of yours, that in their opinion he likes you, why do you court opinions about his behaviour here? Consistently you've been told the same thing, that you're wasting your time. You don't like those responses and you're just ignoring them anyway so why bother?

Your 'girlfriends' will continue to tell you what you want to hear. I'm baffled really as to what you're getting out of this thread.

I would bet my house, car and hell even my puppy....this guy is a 100% PLAYER

When you are ready, hopefully before you’ve alienated your rl support network a clean break is the only way.

I had one just like this, one night after putting the phone down I just realised I’d had enough. The “prize” wasn’t a prize 😂😂 and I didn’t really want it. Blocked all contact on every platform, no conversations nothing.

BEST.THING.I.EVER.DID.

He doesn't want a relationship with you, he is using you, why can't you see this?