Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

Oh yes, green. A common narc tactic right there.

Disengage as much as you can. I can say from bitter experience if you end up falling apart that SS have no recognition of this kind of abuse and it's impact and they will tear your life apart with the help of your abuser.

Get yourself into therapy. Don't bother with the emails to the cunt you were married to: he is playing head games with you and if you let him he will push you to breaking point.
HE IS NOT WORTH IT!!!

Thank you mirror - you are right it's not worth it - I've had counselling and got more starting in new year - waiting on some help from WA

I feel like giving up _ nobody cares - I'm not sure I care about myself anymore - I've just text the Ds asking him why he chooses to spend time with his DF this weekend after last week he was putting him through hell re school.

There is still no discussion about what happened this is X's way of having a hold over Ds - he can trot out remember when I did this when I didn't like what you were doing... he won't have to say buy Ds will re feel the fear

They are off to get the x a haircut - we still share the same hairdresser - it was my hairdresser has been my hairdresser for 32 years! And then jointly for 20 - the x pays more for his haircut than he does for his kids to me.

And I've just asked Ds if it was the new iPhone X he was showing him at parents evening - yes right after his meeting with the head and at a parents evening where I'm paying the fees because x has claimed he can no longer afford them - what bullshit - have I mentioned his change of office - wonder where he's booked the xmas party this year?

If the Ds is really lucky the x may take him shopping after his haircut - buy him something - what do they call this - a crumb. This will then make everything all ok - isn't this what goes through an abusers head?

Meanwhile I'm lying here trying to muster the will to get out of bed, muster the energy to de flea the house after the woofer has picked up these buggers from somewhere - all previous dogs never came upstairs - never mind on the beds - but the kids wanted it so I gave in - but when it comes to help where is it

Ironically the Dd is doing divorce in her A level and next week she is doing DOmestic abuse - I told her she must know all about this - I told her to discuss it with her DF - she won't - so she is at the BF's right now she told me she was cooking for him - the same meal I had asked her to cook for us the night before that was met with all sorts of why should I what's DB doing etc etc she will go to X's later as BF will be working - the reason she told me is that he will give her a lift to work

It seems we sell out to the highest bidder - maybe I would rather they just say he's our DF we still love him despite the shit - would I understand this? - yes? Does this stuff ever go away - or is it down to the character of the person - maybe I can't hate , maybe I always come back to compassion, to being able to understand despite everything - this is supposed to be a good virtue but currently it feels like shit

I need to get up, I need to show myself some compassion - I know all this I read it day in day out - last night I was crying out for someone to help me - I have another sos appointment for dermatology - the sores on my body are spreading - my immune system is probably shot away - this is depression so much easier to stay in bed.

I'm buying Christmas decorations like they're going out of fashion WTF is this all about? I can't be bothered to do Christmas - I can't be bothered to put up the trees - the trees I usually love - the decorations I've collected over the years - what's the point - I know I should I may enjoy it yet again it's all too much bloddy effort - energy that I don't seem to have right now

Where has my life gone? I was awake the other night for 3 hours wondering who the hell I am these days I'm not Mrs x anymore I'm not miss maiden name either that went a long time ago - I'm not even sure I'm that much of mum anymore - who am I?

I need to get up - otherwise another day spent inside my own fucking head

BTW I know I should be grateful I have a lot to be grateful for but old habits die hard- I'm trying to cast off the old - let what's underneath come to the surface - I have two bloody great kids a woofer that loves me and a knight in shining armour who comes to my rescue so why am I bloody blubbing - because this shit is still fucking hard and anyone who claims otherwise is not for real - this world needs real people - people who are not afraid to show their true selves whether this is good or bad better or worse black or white not this fake shit that seems to be everywhere - my so called friends on FB and I don't have many why do they only post pictures of themselves when they are doing something good - I know the answer - just get over yourselves - you ain't kidding no one - least of all yourselves!

I've come on here to update - why do I always feel that I am left to pick up the pieces - no wonder I am exhausted and continually feel like shite

Ds returned from weekend with X - came in had a bath and went to bed at about 9 - In between he told me he had another cold and that nothing was discussed.

He didn't wake up for school this morning - I was awake again during the night and when I woke up and realised it was already too late for the school bus. Ds is still asleep.

The x has emailed me saying he had been waiting for Ds to ask him what was discussed - why on earth he thinks Ds is going to ask him I gave no fucking idea - as far as Ds is concerned none of this is happening. X has told me he asked for the heads help in getting Ds to see the school counsellor - we've been here before - Ds is not going to speak to the school counsellor - the school and his personal life are separate in his head why the fuck would he want to merge the two - he forgets about his home life whilst at school or at least tries to - the head is waiting to see if Ds speaks to him I have been told - are men just fucking useless ? The x couldn't talk about his own problems as an adult why does he think his Ds is going to 'man up' at 16

Just going round in more circles - Ds hasn't gone to school today another cold - but it's ok X has done his bit - told the school and it's all down to Ds and them now to sort it - he can get back to his life!

I caught this thread just as I came on www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3091674-Son-mentally-ill-sleep-deprived-or-on-drugs

Poor woman this could so easily be me - WTF are we doing to our kids - I have bookmarked to read. I could do with a holiday right now but I realised even just to have a week away I need to ask x to have the kids - and I cannot guarantee that he will say yes -there is always some reason why he cannot

And so I am back to battling on feeling like shite and that it is all just too much to deal with on my own

well well well it seems the fucker is still reading my posts on here - either that or his OW! - Ds has just told me that the X made him wash every single piece of clothing that was at his house at the weekend because he did not want fleas in his house - I have just checked with DD - she said she did not tell him - the only way he would know is from here!

I had been thinking about setting a trap - i never got round to it but seems like i didnt have to because he has given himself away! oh how i wish i had come up with this - because I would have fucking laughed - i think this constitutes continual abuse - that a place i come to for support is still violated by him - every single thing i post - what sort of a fuck does this -

the fucking irony!!!

im struggling today - it has taken me til now to get dressed - the only reason i have is i need to pick up DD later - i have been spending more & more time in my pjs since last week

this is what i posted on a separate thread last weds hoping for support

Ds has been off sick the last two days with a bad cold - ( i believe the frequency with which he is ill is an indication of a reduced immune system due to stress)

I had a Much needed and rare night booked away last night - it was x contact time - I left Ds in bed yesterday morning knowing that he was going to be picked up by the x as usual. I was in contact with Ds during the day. I had told Ds I would cancel but he said he was ok with me going

This morning I message DD to see how she is and ask her if Ds went to school.i get a reply back saying she doesn't know - x and Ds had an argument last night and Ds came back here on his own.

Ds is not replying to my texts - in view of his previous self harm /suicidal comments I am concerned_ I have no idea where he is and so I call the school to find out if he's there - they sound a bit confused when I tell them its his mother but he has gone to school - I am relieved he is ok

I understand Ds left his blazer here - x refused to bring him back to get it but said he could wear his ( this would have swamped Ds) -an argument followed with Ds coming back here by bus and spending the night on his own - he is 16 although this is the first time

X picked Dd up from work later that night - this is how she knew - I do not understand why x did not bring Ds back either earlier or when he picked Dd up - 30 minutes round trip at most

I believe this is the x continuing to cause problems for the kids Firstly by refusing to bring Ds back and then secondly be picking up Dd - this is one of the abusive tactics outlined in Lundy's book - divide and conquer - Ds said things would be worse when I posted on here about the dog fleas - you will need to read my other post! Is this it punishment of Ds because he told me what had happened - and because I thought it was funny that Karma seemed to be doing its stuff. X reads my threads - my document of my ongoing hell as a result of divorcing a narc!

I am concerned that I was not told - I assumed Ds was with x He was here alone - it is the comments that Ds makes about his own life that concern me and that the x cannot put himself out for the welfare of his kids - yes to play them off against each other but never consistently with their needs

Ds is struggling he has a cold I'm waiting for him now to come back from school - his day is long at the best of times! WTF is wrong with his father!

Did x think I would know last night and this would ruin my time ( has happened before) - or does he just not give a fuck about his fucking kids - the answer is probably both or is this another attempt by him to try and show that I am a bad parent because I went away on a pre planned night when Ds was ill with a cold - even though it was his contact time

Every time I try and help myself move forward the fucker has to do something

Today I chase up the school asking the head to confirm the meeting that took place between him & the X - i get a reply back saying the head is disappointed that DS has not been into see him yet.

I text Ds telling him this saying i will go with him if he wants me to. I cannot see DS having the confidence to go and speak to the head on his own - he will be concerned that he will have to give out names of his friends DS does not cope well with confrontation he will ignore as long as possible.

I am anxious about DS mood when he gets back from school shortly.

so i too have this in my mind again - am I going to have to go in and speak tot he head afterall - X seems to have wiped his hands of the whole affair - i am not aware that he has spoken to DS or given him any encouragement to do this.

I have some paperwork to get together for one of my complaints - it is good that i have to do this but it also means re reading events that took place leading up to my final hearing and i know this will stress me out - hence why I am in "do nothing mood" too - trying to avoid something that is going to drag up all the shite again. this must be freeze out of fight/ flight etc

I think i write on here in place of counselling - if i was under a counsellor all this would come out but it is also a time & dated record of what continues to go on. I have dermatology again this week and coming up to my breast cancer anniversary date & my mums death - not surprising i feel like shite really but I have stuff to do - i hate feeling like this

Reading all you have been through and are going through I am in awe that you are still so strong, I have to say counselling is very good if you find the right one, luckily I have 5th time round, I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, anniversary's can really take it out of you.

Sorry if I have stepped on your diary log but didn't want to read and not comment.

thank you @Mrsdarcyiwish10 - you know sometimes it just takes a comment like this to spur you on that bit more thank you again

You are most welcome, I hope your having a better day today x

When will this fucking end?

Just want to collapse in a heap

just had a call from Head -Ds to his credit went to see him on his own yesterday - I asked him if he'd been he said he had and would t say anything other than "it's fine" - I tried to get ore out of him but as he was going to his fathers left it - ( another issue with this alone that haven't documented seems x is now back on DD's case - I'm sure he's getting his parenting advice from OW - who seems to think the same parenting stance applies to 16 year olds as it does to 12 year olds - it's not the first time she's poked her nose in - no doubt trying to undermine my parenting too - there no way she would agree with me is there - especially as she referred to me as 'twisted'

Ds broke down in heads office - head thinks he is on verge of a breakdown - mentioned the school counsellor to him - Ds doesn't want to talk about it - Ds said x and I dont talk -haven't talked for 3 years Ds can't see the relationship getting any better between us only worse - I have been wondering this myself - does Ds secretly hope we will get back together - I'm distraught - I have seen Ds breakdown. Head has basically said he has a duty to refer this to social services - im fucking all over the place - My MH worker referred us to Ss - I spoke to them - I know this would get Ds the help he needs but it could all backfire - and I think it would put more pressure on Ds - I need to speak to my Gp tell him what's going on - I need to get Ds private counselling if I can get him to go

Fucking hell just fucking hell

I have tried so hard to get x to see what all this is doing to the kids - even when I feel that I have been shafted - he blames me - I blame myself - may e if I'd just kept my mouth shut - but isn't this just shut up & put up - exactly what we are told not to do - all this could have been dealt with so differently - he wanted his freedom - he got it - why does he have to continue punishing us all - I know the answer - just when will it stop - for me hopefully when kids get to 18 but will it ever stop for the kids - they will carry this shit with them for how long. For the rest of their lives? I. Fucking blubbing feel in despair again

The Ds has returned from his DF contact weekend and already he has called me a cunt a fucking cunt and a psycho woman all because I asked him to keep the key to this home that his DF has kept in his car since he left here 4 years ago.

This was x,s keys - which he hung onto and said he needed in case he returned kids back here and I wasn't here - this has never happened in all this time except two weeks ago when Ds came back by himself after the row with the x and x refused to bring him back to collect his blazer. Dd has a key Ds also had a key but makes excuses everytime I ask him where it is.

Somewhere I have it noted that x only had the key to the top lock- think he told kids this - this is not true he still has keys to both locks. This means he has access to this house anytime he likes. It is the former family home which got ordered for sale by the courts to a developer at x!s instigation. I am currently leasing it from the developer.

He has no legal right to hold these keys - i believe this is still him exerting one hold over me - is there any pheasable justification to this - can the Ds say he has asked x to hold onto them which is what Ds is telling me even when I have told Ds I am not happy about this.

I am so fucked off with this all - time and time again I do what i think is right for the kids but I suffer - I still get the abuse the backlash.

Today somebody told me to let this go - can you ever let this go - I guess I can when the kids get to 18 I can let it all go. In the meantime what do I do - my boundaries are being disrespected left right &centre,

Ds has just said we are both cunts - both his parents fucking with his head - this is the thanks I get for telling him the truth -for trying to get the best outcome for them, for keeping him at private school over my own future housing needs when his father claims he cannot afford the fees, always putting the kids needs first- if I am tarred with the same brush as his DF I have failed, majestically failed, there was no point to any of this I could have just said fuck it to the lot of them. I feel like I am getting kicked in the guts allround I'm fed up of fighting for what? And to top it all I can't even go away without having to ask the x to have the kids - the answer is always no - dressed up with fucking ribbons but all the same no!

liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Been trying to work out how many apply to me!

im documenting on here because i think i am starting to slowly lose my mind - there are things that have happened that if i had not recorded them i would be asking myself did that happen or did i dream it - if i put it on here straight away i know it happened and when i mean happened it could just be something that was said during a conversation - once only and never repeated again.

this is a replay of my marriage - things that happened are coming to the surface - things i had forgotten about - no doubt triggered by reading 30 abusive signs.

I have said somewhere i kept a record of all the things that went on - a long time habit writing "stuff" down but then in a moment of madness thinking maybe i had got it all wrong - as i so often do - i destroyed it all - thinking it cant be good for me to keep rereading stuff over and over again. if only i hadnt...... but its all buried in my head somewhere - just needs to come out - i will probably start writing it down again.

so this morning - DS has run out of hairspray - this is my fault! he told me he needed some more - (nope!) it is the usual fucking cunt - im not going to school fucking cunt - i have advent service ( which I reminded him off - are you sure? which house am I?- oh yes is it the 4th) kicked the door - im not going to school - ill slash my wrists - as he left - dont forget the hairspray!

I was going to say I have managed to keep my cool - but this is not the right words- i did not react - outwardly anyway - what I wanted to say was no you did not ask me - you have had all weekend to get some - your room is a mess again - do not speak to me like that I am your mother - but had I said ANYTHING - i would have got more abuse so I kept quiet - i believe this is a typical response to abuse - under self protection - because it was already my fault and NOTHING i could do or say would change it - maybe magic up some hairspray would have cooled it down but somehow it would still be my fault.

There is a pattern emerging - something i have realised before but i never documented it consistently - now I am - it is quite clear to see that I get abuse from the kids when they have had contact with their DF - it was his contact weekend.

DD did not go - she did her own thing - but he was not happy about this as mentioned briefly above.

when I am not on here I am trying to get on with my own life - but so much of it is still taken up by this shit - shit that I should not have to STILL be dealing with - i am either in bed trying to recoup some of my drained energy or trying to deal with the ongoing administrative farce that is the fallout of divorce - either by highlighting some of it on here to help others when i feel a bit better or just dealing with my own pile of shite! if i am lucky i get to do something enjoyable but right now I feel pretty much at rock bottom -

DD wants a xmas party - id love to just say yes - but the work I will have to do for this and she is not sticking to her part of the bargain so right now it is no - cue hassle from her - you never let me do anything - im losing all my friends, you said we could have one in the summer and we didnt blah blah fuvking blah!

right now I cant be arsed to put up the xmas decs - never mind a xmas party!

and so it goes on - yes i know this is being read by the X - but i am not going to stop - this was my support network when I had nowhere else to turn, when i vented in anger, when I questioned stuff that didn't seem right or make sense to me to do with the divorce process - most if not all was used against me at some point - but this is my truth - anything i say here i would say anywhere - i have nothing to hide - i am not ashamed i have depression, that I lose my temper sometimes, that sometimes i get it wrong but you know what I am still trying - still trying to do the right thing -

I know there are some out there that fully get me - that i dont have to explain myself to - that have been there too or still are - this is why I do this - it helps me and if someone else reading this also realises they are not alone - it has helped them too.

this shite needs to be talked about - it needs to be as common as discussing the weather whilst it still happens - only then will things change when the true extent of what is really happening is recognised.

KOKO

two threads i started

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3101882-Gingerbread-child-maintenance-loophole-in-bbc-news

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3095363-PLEASE-SIGN-MP-PETITION-CMS-SELF-EMPLOYED-OWN-COMPANY-NRP

I need help I am struggling two major meltdowns me this time not the kids at the weekend - one over Christmas lights - no lights for the tree as DS months ago decided to put them all out in the garden - of course xmas the last thing on his mind and then Sunday having to go out in the snow to pick up Ds as he was stranded and couldn't get hone.

I don't do snow! Never mind driving in it - cue major breakdown feeling everything is too much - the night before I'd ended up driving Ds into the town as he missed his bus due to faffing about with his hair - have I talked about his hair - I think this is an obsession, OCD focus of his life right now - if it goes as he wants it to the day is bearable if not all hell breaks loose.

I'm trying to keep it together for him- need to get him to end of this week then it's holidays - then it will be different shit to deal with.

This thread is on my mind

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3108853-I-have-to-throw-my-son-out?pg=1

Is this my Ds - is this what I have to come?
I'm wondering do I go with the outside help now or just keep going?

where's the x in all thi? - who the fuck knows - stirred up the school - stirred up Ds - and he's off on his works xmas party -luxury weekend away no doubt paid for by the company that's going down the pan!

And to cap it all - he can't do his usual contact night but it's ok because he spoke to the kids about it & they're happy - so whether I want to change and can change who gives a shit?

And what are we doing at Christmas? - who the fuck knows - I don't - do the kids ? No idea they don't communicate unless money involved ( where do they get this from I wonder?)

So it's a guessing game - along with the other game - does he or does he not get emails from me - yes when it's in his interests - anything else seem to disappear in a black hole!

I am ill - I have a cold and sore throat - my throat is my weak spot physically - I have no voice - pretty symbolic really - no point in talking as no one is listening!

I've not got dressed for three days - now go out in Pjs and slippers in car - the 2 min trip down the road that ended up being the nearest town 20 mins away could have been interesting?

I plan on getting dressed just one more thing to do and then run out of steam or get to a point where I think no point now!

I'm tired physically,mentally exhausted - I don't want to do Xmas but if I don't who does? The kids say they don't care but they do really - I want to care but I'm knackered - foes anybody hear me? - does anybody give a shit? Or is it all just take take take until there is nothing left. I'm always last on my list - I'm not even sure I'm on the list anymore - just looked up the freedom programme - I need to speak to someone that gets it - those of you where the father has buggered off - there is a silver lining to this - the damage is where the DF sticks around but continues his abuse - oh so subtley - WONT TELL you when the meeting with the head is at school because he wants to attend on his own - but TELLS you when you can do his contact time so he can bugger off early to be with OW for XMas.

I'm getting my eyes tested today - I don't think I need to - can see right through this shite!

Yeah I know I'm supposed to feel grateful but honestly I feel fucking resentful that I am having to do this single fucking handily except when the x decides to throw a spanner in the works under the disguise of HELP.

Green - how long are you going to keep on writing on here?

Because it strikes me that you are writing on here as a way to help your feelings of distress. But it isn’t helping because you have been in near permanent distress for the entire two months this thread has been going on. Frequently over extremely small things that should not cause this level of distress.

I think that whilst it is clear that your ex husband is not a nice person, and that your teenagers can be rude and thoughtless sometimes, it is also abundantly clear that your mental health problems are much more serious than simply anxiety and depression and that they are negatively impacting on your DC.

I do think that without a proper diagnosis and treatment for you your distress will continue and your teenagers will continue to be affected. I don’t think that it is, in the main, your DC or your ex that are causing it. It is largely coming from inside you and the ways you are acting with your DC and your ex are making it worse.

Please ask your gp for a referral to a psych.

Offred I will keep posting on here for as long as I feel I need to - this is my record of events as they unfold, date and timed.

Yes you are right I feel like I am in near permanent distress - I had 20 years of subtle abuse that completely eroded most of who I was as a person - the only way I could function was with ADs and in some ways I was lucky as As long as x was absorbed by the business I could pretty much run my life and that of the kids without much help or support from him.

As long as I stayed within the financial confines he set me and kept my mouth shut my life was tolerable. However I was starting to wake up - to realise that despite all the material trappings I was not happy - but X already knew he wasn't treating me right - he wa just waiting for the next sucker to come along so he could bale ship and this is what he did - but you know this!

My levels of distress have not had a chance to reduce because each small thing just tops it up - every time I try and make some progress I get hit again.

I come on here when I am at my worst in between times I am trying to function to move forward - the best thing that could have happened for all of us is if the x had done a complete runner like so many do but no he is far more than not a nice person - he is nasty - I've always known this - a very jealous person but keeps it extremely well hidden.

He doesn't want me to succeed because then everything he has said about me will be untrue - so as long as he keeps pushing me down he can justify in his own warped mind his reason for cheating, for lying, for basically fucking up the kids lives.

My Gp is well aware of what I am dealing with - I have been under mental health during my divorce when things were at their worst. We should as in me & kids be able to get on with our lives but no he still has to control emotionally & financially. My Ds begged him not to speak to the school but no he had to go in all heavy handed after already dragging Ds to the Gp for a lecture on drugs.

My Ds is scared of him - ruled by fear - constantly looking for some sign that x cares for him - but x is unable to in the way Ds needs - he lives in hope.

Me I have given up - I've tried but it is pointless - I am still having to cover my back I never know what he is capable off - I should not have to live like this but I have been proven right so many times
Am I supposed to stand by and say nothing whilst he continues to emotionally & financially blackmail them - I'm sorry I cannot do this
Abuse is not just about a smack or being sworn at - it can be far more subtle than this - just a straightening up of a table or ignoring you - on its own pretty insignificant but when you notice every little thing and it is done because they know you know - but who is going to believe you - this is what we need to learn - the fear, the anxiety, the depression all feels the same and I tell you how I know because sometimes just sometimes I manage to escape it all for a bit and I am a completely different person.

So Thats why I'm here - the bruises are on the inside - but I'm showing them for anyone who wants to see

If this condemns me so be it - I've already been through hell
We are supposed to co parent - not a fucking chance in hell when everything is about undermining whatever I do

And your right whilst I'm chasing the CMS for the fucker to pay what he should be paying I am in distress

No, what I am suggesting is that you take responsibility for your own life and recovery.

What you have documented in this diary is a huge number of situations where you are not dealing with, in the majority of the situations, normal life.

There is a bit of bad behaviour from the other people, ex, the twins in there but in the main it is bad behaviour of yours that you are detailing.

What I am suggesting is that rather than ruminating on your distress on this thread you actually put that effort into getting better.

And just for the record it's not me telling CMS I earn £12,000 when in the past it was in excess of £100k, it's not me ignoring emails when I ask him in august if he can have the kids for a week sometime this past term, it's not me ignoring the emails asking if he can make a contribution towards the costs I've paid out for the kids schooling, it's not me who's just had a weekend Xmas party for a company that was going down the pan, it's not me who refused to inform him of a meeting to discuss Ds issues at school, it's not me refusing to give permission for the kids to go on holiday, it's not him that has to ask always ask for
Him to have the kids for a week so I can get a holiday never mind a break and it's not me that didn't inform him that Ds was home alone after an argument.

My mood is not good right now - my mums anniversary just passed - I'm waiting for next check re breast cancer - yes I know all this impacts on kids but I am not Wonder Woman.

On top of this I'm trying to highlight the farce that is CMS so that the loophole that allows fuckers to abuse the system can be tightened up. Oh and it's Xmas! The kids don't even know when they are seeing the fucker,

No-one is expecting you to be Wonder Woman. Just for you to be able to cope with reasonably small set backs/the reality of your life without turning them into massive dramatic issues.

If you are not able to do this then you need to get help in order to be able to do this or your kids may end up very messed up and your life will continue to feel unmanageable.

Offred I appreciate your support I really do - I start CBT in Jan I'm doing things I don't document on here because I know he still reads.

Yes I know these situations are " normal" life but I feel like I have been hit with them all at once - or with no time to catch my breath - and a lot of it I feel are the repercussions of x' s behaviour.

I still have to deal with leaving the family home - this is on my mind - I'm trying to get through Xmas but it's looming - I have to deal with it afterwards.

I wasn't factoring in the drugs, the refusal of the holiday two big things that knocked me back - I though I would be free after the divorce but I'm not - there is no one else who can have the kids - this means I have to ask and as he does he can say no - I have this until they are 18 - but unless the kids see it all it will continue because he continually tries to control them