Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

South Africa is NOT safe - but cape Town is as safe as it gets in SA.

My dp is south african (Durban) and we've been out there a couple of times. Cape Town is the 2nd most beautiful city in the world. Nowhere is 'safe' but Cape Town is ok, with precautions (not walking at night, don't stop at red lights is you feel threatened, keep your valuables hidden and your wits about you)

(DP would love to go 'back' but Cape Town is the only plave he would consider moving to. But it's too expensive - for the same reasons)

I feel very sorry for you as you are obviously really upset and can't see an end to it.

I guess you have to accept that the kids are his as much as they are yours and that this is what happens as the fall out of what sounds like a less than amicable divorce.

I'll be honest, and hope that my thoughts are constructive: I'm not sure that I'd want my kids to travel so far and to a country where I might be concerned about political unrest without me - whilst you say he is being difficult for the sake of it, he might also have such concerns.

You also indicate that your health isn't great at the moment and if I was him, then I would also be concerned about whether you would be well enough to take care of the kids if anything went wrong and especially after gruelling travel. Additionally you sound really at the end of your tether (understandably so, you sound as if you have had a terrible time, and I get that his attitude is also a contributing factor), I wonder if he is also concerned about your mental resilience? I guess I'm trying to say 'put yourself in his shoes' to understand some concerns that he might have.
I would put the trip on hold until the kids are 18 at which point you can take them for longer too (it's a long way to go for a week), or go alone.

This isn't going to end at 18

He has no legal right to stop them from doing anything at 18. He couldn’t take you to court to prevent them going abroad as they will be adults in their own rights.

Think about how much it would cost you to fight him in court then put that money to one side and bide your time. The 2 years will fly! And you’ll have the added satisfaction of knowing he can do fuck all about it!

When i meant this isnt going to end at 18 i meant his "control" and use of kids to his own end

I would not be going alone with kids - and I would not be going unless I felt able to cope one of the reasons why it hasnt happened yet

you feel this decision/any decision that he makes is entirely about stopping you/hurting you/controlling you - exactly this - he has never once been able to say yes to anything i request - yet he will go full steam ahead with anything he wants to do regardless of who it impacts on -to the extent of just overriding anything i say.

Thank you ptumbi - i have been told this too

if it was anywhere else I would not need this - i can guarantee that if i wanted to go over one of his contact weekends he would kick up a fuss as he has done before - and when you are EOW and one night in the week it means i do not get a clear week if i need to travel at weekends

so i either flout what he says and then face repercussions in whatever form they come.

i have sent a further email to remove any confusion as to what i am asking - my gut tells me he will just ignore - as he so often does when doesnt want to agree to something i am asking

But do you think he does it to stop you/hurt you/control you or do you think he simply does what he wants and does not think about anyone else.

They are two very different things

I accept that he's probably just being spiteful and that he'll try to make life difficult even once the dc turn 18. But the point is that he has no legal recourse if they travel with you then - it's less than 24 months away. Just wait it out.

It is deliberate not just this issue- every single time - he has given some bull as to why he is justifying his decision not safe, doesn't feel kids need to go abroad says doesn't think I can cope. The reason I am having such a hard time is due to his continual control over me he left 3 years ago it's him that should have moved on - but he can't - dresses it up to be concern over kids and the Icing " as long as it doesn't interefere with kids education" - who is the one that nearly fucked this up not me

You ask us this deliberate or just selfish - I think he has some serious MH issue - he so fully believes that everything he says is correct - he is delusional - if he truly believes what he is saying - if he does not then it is evil

Your two paragraphs though are at odds with each other - the first says that he is doing it to hurt and control you the second is that he simply believes he is correct and is like that with everyone.

You may ask does it matter and yes it does I think

Are you sure you need permission? I've never gained it from exh and never been questioned at the airport. My kids have the same name as me

Quartz - I believe it is deliberate - I cannot believe he could be like this with everyone because he would be having lots of difficulties - I believe he is aware that he manipulates people and plays a very subtle but corrosive game. His staff are mainly female - i would say they all have a 'look' his one male employee is not a looker -

Having said this he fell out spectacularly with his last partner - maybe he saw through him - that saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer - I believe he keeps his competitors close If this makes sense.

Queen - yes I'm sure

I believe he is still reading my posts on here I believe he has read the previous one that was deleted

What’s you not changing back to your maiden name got to do with traveling to SA? You can not stop him being difficult but your mindset gives him way more power than he actually he has. I am a single parent to a pre teen with no support. which means that I haven’t had a ‘clear week’ or an ‘EOW’ since she was three, it sucks sometimes as I never get a break but it is what it is and I have chosen to to get on with it until she’s older. The alternative, of letting his behaviour impact my MH is something I will do everything in my power to avoid.

I’m not trying to diminish what you’ve been through or trying to make it into an ‘my Ex is shittier than yours competition’ but it this man is only as strong as the headspace you afford him, so don’t. It will also help your children enormously to not see you so consumed by all this.

Change the narrative in your head, he isn’t big and powerful, he’s petty and small and you choose to ignore it, Bitterness is corrosive to you and your children, not him.

Because I would then have a different surname to my kids and it will be easier if we have the same name as above SA is one of the strictest entry wise.

It honestly didn't cross my mind that he would object but really I should not have been surprised

I know he is petty and small and to be honest it would be easier if he just completely buggered off because then he would not still be playing mind games with the kids and me - but he won't.

Those that have been in an abusive relationship understand about having to second guess everything how is the abuser going to react if I do this or that and basically what you are telling me to do is change the story in my head so that it does not appear that I am being abused.

This is basically what the abuser tells his victim.

I may be consumed by this at the moment but I have a choice - I either adapt my behaviour so as not to be affected by him which means compromising myself or I stand up to the fucker and show the kids you do not tolerate abuse no matter who is doing it - either way my MH is going to be affected - I can't see that anyone could go through this and be completely unscathed

It's up to you how you tackle it but if you aren't even prepared to change your thinking (because that's the only thing in your control) then things won't ever change. He is who he is and waiting for him to be different keeps you stuck anticipating his next move, which is just another way you keep transferring power to him.

Every relationship has its dynamic and everyone has a role to play in a dynamic. You can change yours.

Ive said before he reads my posts I actually think he got his reply to me from some of your replies

I couldn't say this on here before the kids are with him this past week coming home today and then back a week later if I wanted - this meant he still got his free time.

I am still in need of a break - I told the kids before they went that I was going to get them to stay there til half term - but I wouldn't be telling their DF until they were there - this way he would not be able to refuse. I told him I would not be here when the kids were due to come home and the house would be locked up.

I thought by the kids being away from me they may appreciate me more - they may they may not - I also thought the only way he would have the kids was by playing the way he does - this is true it works but this is not me - I do not believe his way is the best way - the tough love way - this is what I have been wrestling with. Tough love is an oxymoron.

www.courierpostonline.com/story/life/family/driving-lessons/2014/09/13/tough-love-an-oxymoron/15577087/

This morning I have told my kids they can come home whenever they want - I am still struggling but somehow we get through it together - I have told them I have fucked up hugely again. It's now up to them.

I was brought up with tough love - this was the only way I knew - I think my Dm tried to do things another way but back then the fathers had the final say and so overruled everything.

I have been battling depression all my life - my childhood a big factor - during my marriage when I could not cope I still looked to my X to step in and support me - more often than not it made the situation worse - but I needed a break.
I realise this is still what is happening - but I have no one else - luckily the kids are older they both choose to go to friends houses - I can see why - I know theses friends of old - I know the mums well - they don't actually know it but they are doing my kids a huge service.

My dm never had many friends when I was growing up - my DF said it was because she was ill - actually I think he kept her isolated - had she mixed with other women she may have got the answer she knew in her heart. Her own DF was abusive - she too probably thought my DF would rescue her.

Don't get me wrong I love my dad -our relationship is a bit off at the moment - he is wise enough to have Sussed that what is happening to me right now is probably some karma - I can see it in his face. But I know it was not his fault I know he did what he thought was best.

These men are still fucking up- they are still damaging the next generation - they need to leave the mothers alone to raise the kids and they need to pay their way.

Mothers having to go to work to support the kids is still damaging the generation -I know we can do it and sometimes we have no choice - but the system that is there to protect us is also letting us down.

We have a generation of young girls growing up with no father around - where do they get a role model from - there are less male teachers - we are creating more and more disfunction in the guise of progress. We have to go back to basics - working as a team - utilising our strengths - not competing with each other.

I've also been looking into this phrase suck it up which I have been told often is the way to go - I'm still working on this but came across this article. www.huffingtonpost.ca/jennifer-pellegrini/mental-illness_b_6567910.html @wannabestressfree you may want to read.

As always I believe we help each other by sharing our stories - sometimes I probably give too much away but if I leave bits out the context is skewed. The x will continue to read me on here and use it against me when he can _ you know what that's his to deal with. My intentions are always good but sometimes I get caught up in his crossfire go off track - you never know he may even learn something but he will never admit it. But you know what that's ok too because my kids will benefit - and I will always say my kids until he faces up to his responsibility because right now I am raising them singlehandedly with the odd bit of babysitting from him

And the penny has finally dropped - the respect thing I've realised is not that he has no respect for me it is that he lost all respect for himself - in his moment of weakness he was tempted and he succumbed - that is not a crime - but the crime is what he has done since in his attempt to try and justify himself and gain some of that respect back - the thing is you only get it back when you can own up that you got it wrong and made a mistake and try and make amends for the hurt you caused someone else.

I realise I have been battling with self respect all my life too - I had thought it was linked to professional career status etc - I got this wrong - I was never taught to respect myself as a kid, to value my own judgement as much as I needed to - to believe that my instinct was right most of the time - I was taught people in authority are to be respected - in fact I have learnt that some of these have even less self respect - the higher they go the more bollocks they talk - most of them just follow the herd without question. This is not achievement but they cannot see it - those that have achieved do good for others without needing a reward.

Somehow I was conditioned to fear certain types of people but I have had the most meaningful conversations with people I would once have feared.

We are all going through the same bollocks called life - every step of the way is a lesson but these lessons are fucking hard - I'm getting this
So what is self respect - being true to oneself - when you get that feeling you know you are on the right path.

"These men are still fucking up- they are still damaging the next generation - they need to leave the mothers alone to raise the kids and they need to pay their way.

Mothers having to go to work to support the kids is still damaging the generation -I know we can do it and sometimes we have no choice - but the system that is there to protect us is also letting us down.

We have a generation of young girls growing up with no father around - where do they get a role model from - there are less male teachers - we are creating more and more disfunction in the guise of progress."

This is all contradictory and frankly quite insulting to working mothers.

Which is it - do men need to back off and leave mothers to it, or do they need to be around to be male role models?

It's not meant to be insulting to working mothers if anything it's the opposite that they have no choice -

The men I'm referring to is like my x - not paying his way but still around enough to cause ongoing hassle disguised as caring for his kids.

Women can't do it all and yes I understand that often they have no choice - this is due to the system letting us down - men get away with not paying - how many years has this been going on - they know what's going on why do they let it continue

Girls need good male role models - otherwise how do they learn about good relationships

What has also struck me is the number of women that have had breast cancer - they know depression is linked to abuse but could cancer also be linked

Green,

This thread scares me. I think you need to focus on getting well. The links you are making as ‘obvious’ strike me as a little manic, as does the length and hyperbole of your posts.

You need to get well to be there for your children. Kicking them out and telling your ex that your house will be ‘locked up’ if the children try to come home will impact the children more than him. Kicking them out so that they ‘appreciate you more’ is really not a winning strategy.

They need a well mother far more than a trip to SA, nice though that might be, and that is where your energies should be going.

I'm not sure what you are referring to with my links being obvious

My previous thread that I had deleted had a lot of advice to be tough with my Dd - infact both my kids and to let them stay with their DF hoping they may appreciate me more on their return.

I needed a break not having had one since I can't actually remember - the x won't have the kids apart from his one night and EOW unless it is really pushed on him - this is what has had to happen. I haven't been able to think straight when the kids have been here over the summer _ and it is only now that I have managed this.

Tough love didn't sit right with me but this was the majority advice and so I googled and came up with that link. I have told my kids they can come home.

The house being locked up- this was his way of dealing with unwanted contact. I had to say this as he has a habit of overriding whatever I say and I had intended going away for a couple of days. I also realise this was not the best action.

The holiday has been on the cards since last xmas but for one reason or another it has not happened. I had said it would be October after originally wanting to go at Easter. My recent determination in my health may be due to me knowing in the back of my mind that I needed his permission and that he was unlikely to give this as per previous.

I have pension sharing application on at the moment to do with my share of his pension which he tried to stop me getting and until I receive the funds for this this is causing me unease too. Add that together with CMS and this is why I am all over the place.

Decline in my health

OP you sound to be upset about other things, coupled with your ExH's shitty behaviour this has really got to you.

I really think the best thing is to bide your time - 2 years will go in a flash. You KNOW he has no say when the DCs reach 18, although Im sure he will try to goad you in other ways. But it will be easier once your DCs are adults. Wait. Aim to get your headspace right until such time, this man can't control you. This is not forever.

Keep talking if you need to but not from the premise that he has "won" or will have some hold over you forever because you have children together. No - he won't. You need to get yourself strong for the future. Focus on that. Take your DMs ashes back in 2 years time

I know you need a break, but its not so long in the future. You can look forward to it

It's October now. Are you realistically going to book and organise a trip to South Africa within the next couple of weeks anyway?

Greenberet - it is most categorically not true that people on the previous thread told you to send your children to their father. In fact the opposite when it was pretty unanimous that you needed to step up and be an active parent rather than shipping them off to him.

Once again you are twisting facts to suit yourself.

I wonder, genuinely wonder, who was the abusive partner in this relationship. It could seem from the other angle that your ex had a lot to put up with from you and even now you are trying to control and manipulate him.