Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

Offred I'm sorry but you make me laugh I have never said they are the cause of the negativity in my life but certainly the energy affects people,s behaviour - some are aware of it - others completely oblivious and some too ignorant.

I should have learned more productive coping mechanisms - what are these then? Did you divorce my x - no you did not - have you lived my life - no you have not - have you gone through every single thing I've been through - I doubt it - so don't tell me how I should be coping - safeguarding issues were raised - raised by my MH team - my psyche that you keep saying I should be seeing - about some of the X's behaviour - it was referred to ss - I spoke with them - the kids were too old. Ds could be under ss now - I stopped it as he won't deal with this - this will push him further down the spiral - I may not be coping as you think I should but I am doing my bloody best - if you are meaning to help you need to learn some more empathetic language because you come across as being cold and dictorial

You are writing this thread as notes for court?!

That may go some way to explaining why your experience of court was very negative in the past.

This reads as a diary of your unreasonable reactions to minor issues to do with him; xh not replying to emails at the time you think he should, xh not taking the children at short notice when you frequently can’t cope, h being in a stable long term relationship with the woman he had an affair with, train tickets, him wanting to arrange contact/Christmas with his 16 year olds, him only paying very minimal child support.

A diary of your unreasonable behaviour towards the DC and your mad obsessions with and various attempts to stalk xh and ow...

If you use this thread as some kind of ‘evidence’ of his unreasonable behaviour all you are documenting is your own unreasonable behaviour...

What is he doing that is actually that bad?

The emails - forget it, the dc are 16, it would be to your benefit if you let him have his wish to arrange contact with them directly.

The maintenance - you already have a file with CMS, keep contacting them about it.

The OW train ticket? - batshit, let it go.

The holiday to SA - just wait 2 years ‘til the kids are 18.

Etc etc etc.

I really don’t understand why anything that he is doing now is so far out of the realms of the normal experiences of other LP that it should lead to this level of constant distress.

Not the ford - thank you - yes I'm on medication - until I know what is happening re the family home in April I can't cope with anything else - whether I can continue to rent or I have to move - this is my next big hurdle after Xmas - if I have to move then this will set off a whole load of other issues but maybe Offred can tell me how I cope with this.

You know I'd love someone to say do this - this will work or do that -that will work - but everyone has a different experience and there is no decisive way of dealing with any of this. Not even a consistent approach from the courts - the people who make the law - had someone told me maybe solicitors that you stand bugger all chance of getting spousal - do you think I would have pursued this - but he obviously wasn't certain I wouldn't get it either as he had to downplay the company to make sure. I'm angry I'm fucking angry alright and probably more so with myself than anyone else for believing what fuckers who have cinflicting motives told me.

I need to get off here this is fuelling my anger - thanks to those that understand - Offred I wish you well

And just because the kids are too old for SS to act on safeguarding concerns doesn’t mean your behaviour isn’t concerning.

Xh behaviour may also be very concerning but really that just means they have two parents rather than one who are making their lives crappy.

Ok well some ideas -

• Contact WA about doing an emotional resilience course

• Go total NC with ex; you have zero reason to have contact with him since the DC are 16 and the child support is with CMS

• Show your psych this thread

• Make a commitment to practice self care techniques (there is a great app called SAM) so you can head off temptation to avoid things by going to bed/sending DC to their dad’s.

• ask the family centre/children’s centre (if yours cater for kids 0-19 like ours do) if you can do a parenting course that is appropriate for parenting teens.

• see if you qualify for any support from adult social care

But the main point is you have to do this work yourself. No-one is going to make your life manageable for you, you can reach out for support to do this but until you accept that you need to take responsibility for making yourself better, and that it is not acceptable to just cycle repeatedly between rage and avoidance, things won’t improve.

There is a point where if you fail to take action to make it better you can no longer make a claim to being victimised by other people.

All I can say is think yourself lucky you don't understand - maybe you cope better - it is not the same as most other Lps though is it - most X's fuck off and don't pay - so the LP doesn't have to deal with the E& FA still - he hasn't fucked off - just doesn't pay - so the mind games continue - he doesnt ask the kids what they want to do - he tells them - they are scared of him or love him - or both - he punishes when you don't agree with him - not consistent - I've had enough trying to explain myself - I've asked everyone is there something wrong with me - because I don't want to live like this anymore - but I'm told no - I can't send my kids to him day to day because he will destroy them but yes I cannot cope - there are parents on here that have kids like my Ds who can't cope as two parents - that have professional help and still can't cope - that probably don't have depression and still can't cope - that maybe have other help and still can't cope - everytime the kids interact with x I am left with the fallout - he doesn't get the shit to deal with because when they go to him their heads are balanced - yes it has been full on - you show me someone who has had to deal with everything I'm dealing with and is coping and I will learn from them but I've read all the boards on here and yet I haven't found one single person who has the answer to any of it - we are all trying to do our best so Offred you want to report me go ahead - I'll take my chances - will you?

Report you? Who to and for what?

Your children are 16. You have no reason at all to have any contact whatsoever with XH.

If your DC want to see him and this experience is damaging for them then yes, as their other parent you do have to deal with the ‘fallout’ otherwise known as supporting them. But you do not have to deal with him. You have the CMS for child support and you have had and can have solicitors to deal with him rather than you deal with him directly.

If he is that bad and his effect on the children is that bad why do you keep on trying to send them to him?

If DS needs professional support put your effort into trying to get it for him, stop wasting time trying to force xh to be a different person/being angry about emails.

Nobody has all the answers - but many people on these boards have been where you are now.

I am trying to protect my son from the harmful abuse his birth mother gives him. It's very, very difficult and at first I took on all the advice of "don't slag off the other parent, kids need to know both parents love them, don't put them in the middle"

Unfortunately when one parent is emotionally abusive this simply does not work. What you need to do is give your DC coping tools and strategies to cope with their dad.

But it's not as easy as just saying "Your dad's a twat". You need to use reflective language such as "How did you feel when your dad said that?" or "How are you feeling about your dad cancelling this weekend?"

You need to let them know it's okay to feel their feelings. You mentioned previously that as a child you were told not to feel your feelings. I was also told this and it's very damaging, your DC need to know it's okay to feel and express their feelings.

The flipside of that of course is that when they say "Mum I feel angry/sad/depressed/angry at you" you have to accept that they feel that way and not react to it emotionally. It's bloody hard!

What I would say is based on your previous posts, your son's angry verbal outbursts are not acceptable and you need to tell him so. Using racial slurs because his hair is not right?! Just totally unacceptable. The trouble is, if he uses these phrases at home and isn't brought up on it, he'll get used to using them and it will slip out in another situation (eg school or work) and he'll end up in so much trouble.

He also needs to apologise when he's had an outburst at you. It's totally not on for him to call you a cunt, psycho, whatever. He needs to find a better way of coping with angry feelings.

You said he would not consider seeing the school counsellor due to seeing school as a refuge from home. I totally get that. Would you be able to look at private counselling for him, with someone who has experience with teenage boys with his issues?

You know Offred I had occasions when I could have called the police - but I chose not to because I didn't want the kids having a father who was a shit - but you know what I wish I had because they still have a father who's a shit and I would have saved myself years of aggro - I would be free of this mess and I would still not be looking for complete strangers to understand the shite I am dealing with and give me some support when I have nowhere else to turn.

If this is all my own fault I've fucked up - well and truly but this is what depression does get enough people telling you you have fucked up and you believe them

So now I'm trying not to go down that spiral too - again - but you know what it's safe it's comforting far nicer than having to deal with a fucking cruel world

@Offred speaks sense.

For the sake of your children, please seek further professional help for your own issues.

And STOP all contact with him.

Offred for fucks sake if you have read my thread you will see I have tried - he refuses - he won't talk to me, to school counsellor, to camhs. To anyone - he's know got it in his head that I am to blame - yes maybe I am because I try and get him to talk - he doesn't want to deal with it any of it

I'm not trying to force x to be a different person - there no hope of that - but yes I will be angry over his continual lack of respect that Ds now seems to be mimicking extremely well A maybe some of u are right - maybe the only way he'll realise is if he lives with his DF without me there to constantly support him when it goes tits up

Offred what the fuck is wrong with you - solicitors screwed me over too

I have to get off here I can't take any more of this

you know what it's safe it's comforting far nicer than having to deal with a fucking cruel world

I think this is very true.

However the choice is not between having things done to you or doing it to yourself.

The choice is between continuing to choose to live in a world that you feel is cruel and sad and being constantly revictimised by the same things you have constructed to keep you safe from harm, and choosing to actually stop this cycle of being a victim and being victimised by learning emotional resilience.

You've not answered me at all - why don't you just stop all contact, block him and move on?

So instruct a different solicitor if you weren’t happy with the one you had.

There is not only one solicitor in the entire world.

The thing is if you behaved during court the way you are on this thread I suspect the problem was you not the solicitor TBH.

As for the NC what do I do when Ds tells me he wants to kill himself if he cannot stay at his school - do I not tell the x this - what about parental alienation - X has already accused me of trying to stop his kids having contact with him - which honestly would be the best thing for them - but I can't do this can I because the courts are so far out of touch with reality that it's a bloody joke - who in their right mind thinks it's appropriate for a child that has no means of protecting itself to spend time with a physically abusive father - you would think no one - but read on here it happens - complete and utter fucking madness but it's the law so it must be right and you cannot question the law no matter how ridiculous it seems - this is what is wrong with this whole situation - causes more problems for everyone else to deal with - maybe this needs to be dealt with by psychologists experts in abuse because the law has no bloody idea

Offred fuck off again will you - go on someone else's thread please

The courts have apparently acted outside your reality. That may or may not be because your reality is at odds with objective reality.

At 16 your kids get to decide entirely for themselves whether they see xh or not.

Greenberg have you spoken to MIND at all? Is it possible to get an independent advocate appointed for your son to specifically tackle the issue of school fees so that your son can settle once and for all his immediate future at school. It must be frankly quite terrifying for him not to know for sure what's going to happen. This sounds to an outsider like one area where your exmight be reasonable if you're not involved in the discussion and it is focussed entirely on what your son says he wants.

Green, you sound so angry at everybody around you, in RL and on here.

You have had really good advice to stop contact with your ex. You are winding yourself into knots about him and don't seem to want to stop.

Could you do some voluntary work somewhere to take your mind off your own difficulties a bit, get some perspective and maybe make your CV stronger for when you go back to work?

X is not reasonable I'm paying Ds school fees that isn't an issue - Ds school is safe - I couldn't do that to him - the issue is neither of the kids will talk to me - all I get is I don't care - they don't care if they are here with him or anywhere - this is bollocks - they are in denial

I am beyond fed up of trying to do the right thing trying to talk to them trying to take into account what they want to do - they may be 16 but they are not adults - if they cannot communicate with me how are they going to manage on their own -the x can't even communicate his feelings how is he going to communicate with the kids at this age - yes I get they get to decide but they can't make a bloody decision one way or another - they are not interested - and all I get is abuse

Offred why is it you misinterpret everything i say - the courts did not act outside my reality - they acted outside of 'the reality' my solicitors led me to believe would be my reality

So when I say as above that Ds told me he wanted to kill himself is this something I withhold from the x under NC = yes NC sounds lovely in theory but it is not so easy in RL

Do you not think I would go no fucking contact if I could - do I not tell x I found drugs in Ds room and what do we mean by no contact anyway

And then there's the old adage that the courts say we have to co parent in the kids best interest - how do you do this with someone that continually ignores communication time and time again - absolutely nothing in relation to kids schooling I had to pay out and then dictates what contact will be regardless of any arrangement

If you have arranged to pay for your son to stay at school why is he saying he will kill himself if he can't stay at school as you posted at 20:59?