Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

I've worked out why I have been feeling so shite - I think the planets have something to do with it - yes really - why I've got no enthusiasm for Christmas why I'm flat out and cant be bothered with all the effort.

Christmas for me is about other people - it has been about kids always and the grandparents - Family basically - but which is now completely fragmented.

It is also coming up to when all this first kicked off -,a week before Christmas - the only reason I did Xmas that year was the MIL had died and it was for FiL whom I now no longer have any contact with.

The following year I got diagnosed with breast cancer a week before - this year it was all about - this is not happening and not going to spoil anything as well as being keep going for the kids - I can do this!

Last year it was all about my DB who was probably on the verge of a breakdown and ended up here unplanned and in a pretty bad way - it was not a "happy Xmas" it was muddle through as best we could!

This year I am not really sure what it is - it's all getting earlier and earlier - I do not want to hear Xmas adverts in November - I'm bored of the endless present buying and giving of tat - why? Because the sales are on and we have to buy now because of the discount - I have a house full of tat- clogging up my spirit!

My kids are growing up they are looking for the meaning of life - they have lost their way - their safe environment destroyed - I have to do it for them - to show them that sometimes life throws us a curve ball - but no matter how hard we can get back on course. We have to stick with the things that matter - how we treat others when they are down , that if we all pull together we can be ok, that life is about love, support and caring for fellow human beings - being there through the bad times as well as the good _ keeping hope in humanity and being true to ourselves whatever we are! This is what matters - this is who I am - spurred on by the TVs switching itself on this morning at 8.00am.

We are surrounded by this energy all the time - we just need to keep believing - whatever happens I will be ok - I need to learn not to panic and just trust in my judgement for whatever reason - there is always something to learn. I have been told I will be ok - I have been told my kids will be ok - time to really believe!

So why do I wake up at 2.02 it seems I am being prompted awake to deal with something. I am wide awake I check my emails from yesterday and low and behold the cunt has sent me an email re Christmas.

The email last week about the kids not knowing what they want to do and he can't get anything out of them i.e. Like blood from a stone - complete bullshit - he hadn't yet decided on what he was doing.

So for the second year on the trot x is not seeing Dd because he is putting Ow and her kids 1st. Not only this but he is continuing to be divisive by getting Ds to go to OWs house in sheffield.

The usual arrangement of kids with me Xmas day and him from 1pm Boxing Day has also gone out the window as Ds is not going to Sheffield until the day after Boxing Day - all planned and train ticket bought without any prior discussion with me. When is he seeing Dd and he's getting Ds to do all the donkey work by travelling by train - what fucking bullshit has he fed Ds to get him to do this or has he bribed him?

Suddenly it's ok for Ds to do this alone when a few weeks back he was concerned about them coming on holiday with me and another adult -
The double standards - always one rule for him another for everyone else.

Not only this but on his contact weekend he will not be spending anytime with Dd as I think Ow is coming down here - and his usual Sunday evening that normally finishes at 6pm because he can't wait to get rid of them now extends to the following day - for Ds anyway as they are going out to dinner for NYE - I'm not sure who us is - Ow, ow & kids x and Ds only - I don't think so as Dd not going.

The email is cleverly worded but ambiguous as hell and the usual entitled cunts attitude I'm doing this bugger any arrangements you may have or any expectation that I may discuss any arrangements with you first.

No im just here to do the childcare - the day to day shit - while you play happy families when it suits you and you have the need to impress. Poor fucking Dd - yet again chastised for not meeting OW

I am not even that angry anymore - somehow events seem to work out as if there is someone higher pulling the strings - but I will continue to refer to him as the cunt until I can say it without it having any significance just another word - then I am done.

I'm pretty much done anyway - I couldn't really give a fuck anymore - this has stopped impacting on me - it's the kids always the kids - that is being damaged and actually I haven't read of anyway where they come out unscathed.

The only way I believe is by the truth - but the truth for one can be ugly, because it reveals ugliness about themselves they cannot even contend with - that they lie and they cheat and then they will tarnish the character of someone they claimed to love to make all this seem ok. This is not a human being that I want to identify with someone that is so completely selfish that they will destroy everything to protect themselves.

They have to bolster that fragile ego somehow the ego that prevents them looking at the person they really are. But karma oh yes we forget about karma - but karma doesn't forget about us!

The kids need to learn their own lessons - I can guide them but ultimately they need to work it out for themselves - deep down they know - deep down we all know - but we choose to go with what we think serves us best - do we chose short term gain over long term pain but the irony is we still get the pain - one way or another. It's all about honesty - honesty with ourselves first - everything else is superficial just a game until someone decides times up - when this is and how it manifests itself we have no idea But you can guarantee the longer you delude yourself the higher the gamble!

How old are your children?

They re 16 keep on - awake again at this bloody time thinking about Xmas and impact on kids.

Dd is crushed - the lights have gone out - she sat in the lounge the other night wrapping the presents she has bought -why I ask myself - she too is getting abused by her DF but I don't think she wants to believe it - she knows though - she's doing psychology - she's Doing family dynamics she's getting a bloody qualification for her own life?

I have seen her like this before - she wanted a book I think she had left at X's house - the x refused to drop it to her at the bus in the morning then refused to bring it round here for her - 15 mins away from him at time - he said he was too tired from work I took Dd to get it Dd saw OWs shoes when he answered the door - she was crushed this time too - its all documented on here somewhere.

She looked like a little girl yesterday when I dropped her to work - 6 instead of 16 - nothing I can do can make this right for her - this is a horrid feeling to have as her mum - I can do Xmas here with bloody bells on but it won't put that light back in her eyes- I know what this feels like - 52 and lived my whole life like this - having been told one thing but sensing another - then told I'm too sensitive or I see things that aren't there - no I am not I sense things right and I see stuff that isn't there - all the bloody time now - I even caught my sol telling my barrister I was too sensitive, too suspicious - NO I WAS FUCKING NOT - I was right but you needed to be right to fleece me - just like the x.

To live with the knowledge that a parent does not love you as they should - that their love is conditional on you pleasing them - doing what they want you to do - and when you don't - they cut you off - this cuts deep - this goes against human nature - this is what we pick up on - Dd and me - you know what she said to me yesterday the presents are from x & Ow - this is what it says on the label - when are they going to get this - Dd wants nothing to do with OW - not even her name on a bloody Xmas tag - she is nothing to Dd never will be - time is not going to change this - the hurt cuts too deep for this - x is going to lose his Dd - OWs Dd is not a substitute - but he doesn't listen to me - how can I know this - well time will tell this alright!

What hurts her worse is her DB who she cherishes is still trying to please the x - the x is creating a divide between the two _ instead of seeing them together away from Ow he sees Ds alone - what a complete and selfish cunt of a man!

To feel helpless like this - to want to make it right for my kids - if I gave them all my love and more I can never fill that void - that void that the x created - this is what fucking kills me - seeing my kids suffer & knowing that I cannot fix it - knowing that I made some wrong choices to end up here even though I thought I was doing the best for them - that my intentions have always been what's best for them but I'm damaged too _ how do you live with this?

It doesn't matter how many decs I put up, the trees, if I let Dd have parties every weekend _ how do I help her get that light back?

I lost a long thread on here maybe a message not to post.

But basically saying that death is kinder than this hell my kids and myself are going through. With death you get to keep your good memories - with time any not so good memories fade (unless they were truly awful and then these never leave you) with this the good memories are continuously eroded by all the lies the bullshit that still continues - dressed up with fuck knows what to convince who? that it is the truth - once you are lied to to this extent is anything ever the truth again - only if they admit to all their lies first and wipe the slate clean but this takes courage and we all know what these men are -

Otherwise it is just more and more bullshit/ lies! But it all unravels in the end - the universe sees to this

So the train ticket bought for my Ds £85.10 - this is the amount that kept appearing in the company bank accounts - the amount I questioned and said it was train travel for OW backwards & forwards being paid for out of the company that I was 50% shareholder in at the time - but I couldn't prove it - my sols didn't pay enough attention to it but now I have it in black and white - the bit I was missing was which train station it was going from - I thought it was reading - it was Oxford - so close - so Fucking right - again.

I read on here so many times how adult children go NC with their parents - I couldn't understand this - I thought it was sad - so sad A continuing a torture a punishment a hell - but maybe my childhood wasn't awful enough - but I also know I have a big heart so I am capable of forgiveness and understanding - I get it know it's self protection - but self protection that a child shouldn't have to do - my self protection is depression maybe mine manifests itself emotionally - others it's physically - maybe this is it because for me even withNC it never goes away

My kids are still suffering - my wish for Christmas is that this ends - that somehow they can heal themselves and find that light - nothing else matters - nothing - if I could buy this for them so they don't have to suffer like I have I'd do it - but hey this would be too easy right - so what's the answer - unconditional love - but this is fucking hard because we don't do this automatically - we become tainted by the world by our lives by our experiences and so we need to unlearn all the bad bits and start again

And just for some perspective here - sols, barrister everyone said this £85.10 was too small to be significant - too small really? - well I'll tell you how it's significant - the fucker currently pays £65.20 per week for his 2 kids via CMS that's £32.60 per child per week £130 per month

So not much more than he's prepared to pay for a train ticket - if he thinks a train ticket of £85 is acceptable how the fuck can he reconcile £130 for a month - because he doesn't give a fuck does he - doesnt give a fuck how his kids live when they are with me as long as when they are with him it's fucking glorious

Well watch out for that universe it's doing its stuff alright - just that the fucker doesn't believe in this bullshit - he'd rather believe his own - because he's god isn't he?

I'm sorry you're going through this, truly. But..

1. Your children are 16. You need to stop projecting your feelings on them and let them decide what contact they want with their Dad. Let them sort it. If they have that control, you may be surprised what they decide.

1. You need to get some urgent counselling and stop him having this hold on you. I have no idea whether what you say he does is right or if it's just from your perspective. But whatever it is, it has become all consuming. You have to live your life and allow what he does or doesn't do be insignificant.

Good luck.

I have sat and read the entire thing and I agree with other posters. YOU need to step up and take responsibility to make change in YOUR life. You need to print off all the hate, confusion, backtracking and lack of action ion this thread, go to the doctors and demand an urgent pysch referral. To be perfectly honest, after all the time you have been on here, an average person would have made some sort of progress. You talk of your children like they are small kids but they are young adults and the pushme-pullme of you and your ex has already damaged them. YOU can choose to stop it right now.

Go no contact. FULL STOP.
Get psych help RIGHT NOW.

If your children do not respect you, send them to live with their father and the OW, I really do not see how it could damage them any further. To be honest it really seems to come across as though you are writing this FOR your ex and his OW. You know they are reading it, are you waiting for him to suddenly see how much he has hurt you? That is not going to happen EVER. YOU are continuing this disastrous mess! not him!

you know I have fucking had enough - i am keeping myself awake at night trying to make sense of this fucking mess - trying to do the right thing by the kids -

Can a parent go NC with a child because right now this is what i feel like doing - but this wont help will it - the only thing that will help is for me to bow down and do exactly what everyone else wants me to do regardless of how i feel about it, without putting up a fight, without trying to assert myself, without fucking standing up for my OWN self.

I have just tried to talk to DS about his DF's plans - the fact that the X has rode roughshod over the previous 4 years contact arrangements at Xmas because this year it suits him - why because he is moving into a fucking house he has just bought with OW tomorrow - the irony of this will be lost on him but fate is playing a part here! oh but its ok they have paid half each - what about your sons fucking school fees that you are making ZERO contribution to - would you rather he have self harmed - because obviously when he googled how to kill yourself at school it was just a prank - wasnt it is this what you wrote to the school or me - yes that is why his head teacher thinks he is on verge of a breakdown.

So I have asked Ds what is happening = ds said X has emailed me - yes he has but i wanted to talk to Ds first - he doesn't care - he doesn't want to talk about it - he says it is up to us to sort out our dysfunctional relationship that has fucked up his life - he says he doesnt want to talk to either of us again - quite frankly i dont want to talk to him either because all i get is shite - abuse - except when he asks if his friend can stay over - except when he wants a lift at 10 at night - he wanted me to get a dog - i wasn't ready but i got it because i thought it would help him - having something to care about - but it's me that ends up with it - i have too much i'm blubbing - it's fucking 10 past two i'm sat here in pjs still - supposed to be getting the turkey today - still got stuff to do to make xmas ok for the kids -

if you have read the thread - you will see I have been under a psych - this is what adult MH is all about.

i dont give a fuck if him & OW are reading this - if i had I would have stopped long ago - and i am not looking for him to acknowledge my hurt i gave up on that when i was diagnosed with breast cancer and all he cared about was the CI payment.
yes i agree the kids are damaged - damaged beyond repair i dont know - whats the difference between my kids and all those adults now that are still damaged by the relationship they have with their own parents - the ones that are struggling at this time of year - should they contact their parents or continue NC - or should i be one of the mothers that the adult kids despise because they didnt stand up to their abusive DH - didnt leave them but stayed for the benefit of the kids - which one do i be?

probably doesnt matter - maybe its gone too far already -maybe i should just give up - because im hurting myself - how much easier it would be if i was selfish - just thought about myself all the time and didnt give a fuck about anyone else.

ive said before I dont post on here when I am ok - when I am trying to move on with my life - make small changes - but right now this is all absorbing - im not the only one going through this shite - their are plenty of other mothers going through this same fucking farce and who is responsible - it seems nobody - not the father's, not the lawyer,s who represent you in court because they are telling you you can get spousal maintenance when the judges are working to a different agenda - ie spousal maintenance is no longer in fashion- i wanted to cut and run but no sols kept telling me you need spousal - you wont be able to manage financially - well fuck me - they stitched me up didn't they - the CSM who are supposed to be working for the supporting parent - what another fucking joke- its well over a year since i put in my claim - theyve got all the paperwork what the fuck are they doing -

and those of you who say i'm doing this for the X - no i'm doing this for myself - for myself and my kids - to show what fucking narcisstic personalities do to you - whether diagnosed or undiagnosed - how they continue the abuse emotional and financial regardless of what age the kids are - how the push me pull you continues when they have some involvement in the kids lives - no matter how much - how they change the goalposts to suit themselves time and time again .

What I do with this yet I have not decided - i may take it to my MH team - but i have discussed plenty with them and i am ok - angry yes - fucking angry - this is anger not MH issues - MH issues arise when you dont express anger when you suck it up when you are in denial.
I might take it to Womens Aid if the government hasn't shut them down, I might take it back to the courts , or i might just print it off and leave it for my kids to read one day if they are ever looking for answers.

My own Dm died without saying a bad word against my DF _ i believe she suffered abuse - except it wasn't recognised as such - it was definately control though - and this karma thing i keep talking about - my own experience is bringing up stuff for my own DF to deal with - thats why he keeps his distance - because everytime I tell him something else has happened and he sees the pain on my face and the devastation that has been done to his grandchildren and he cant deal with it - i get this - his own childhood dysfunctional!

so I am trying to break the pattern - stop my kids from going through this shite but its fucking taking its toll on me and id quite happily book myself into somewhere to escape this shit but i can't - i can't do this to my kids - so I vent on here - this is anger - raw anger - i dont run, i dont drink or smoke i express myself with words - the only way to deal with stuff

• i dont post this stuff on here because we all now what its like when we are ok - what we don't know is what it feels like to deal with this fucking shite when things are tough already because nobody talks about i and when they do they say see a psyche - if we all talked about it you would see that this is fucking normal day to day stuff for a lot of people who just get on with it - because who would believe them - who would beleive all these normal things that seem like nothing on the surface but do damage deep deep down - ask yourself why are there so many fucked up teens around right now - anything to do with the increase in divorce - how many of these are amicable - not many i doubt - and those that are - which one is making huge sacrifices to keep it this way - they must be fucking angels! - because if the adults are amicable and got on why did they divorce in the first place? because one or other no longer wanted to make compromises?

so you tell me in what way the kids don't suffer because even those that think they are not suffering who knows what is going to happen in the future to set off some volcano of emotion that has been buried deep deep below the surface.
and now im going to ice my christmas cake

"I have just tried to talk to DS about his DF's plans - the fact that the X has rode roughshod over the previous 4 years contact arrangements at Xmas because this year it suits him - why because he is moving into a fucking house he has just bought with OW tomorrow - the irony of this will be lost on him but fate is playing a part here! oh but its ok they have paid half each - what about your sons fucking school fees that you are making ZERO contribution to - would you rather he have self harmed - because obviously when he googled how to kill yourself at school it was just a prank - wasnt it is this what you wrote to the school or me - yes that is why his head teacher thinks he is on verge of a breakdown. "

READ THIS AGAIN! Your kid is telling you loud and clear that HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE YOUR GO BETWEEN! YOU are the reason he is like this, not your ex! THAT is why he is having a breakdown.

Honestly? yes you should go NC with your children. It would likely be for the best. Your child has no place in running as your go between and you should be ashamed of yourself for using him this way. I am not reading the rest, or responding again as it is obvious you are totally and utterly deluded and do not care that you are destroying your children, all you care about is you bloody EX!

You say this is all going on because your children still have formal contact with your ex as they are under 18. It isn't. You will be here, in this mental place, in 2 years because someone is going to have to help them through uni or with a house deposit. And he won't, because he and OW will have bought a boat or something.

I would let each individual child do what they want with regards to contact for the next couple of years. Interfering with your DS going and forcing him to talk aboit how your ex is manipulating the situation will just drive him away.

IMO you need to take responsibility for your part in this situation.

Your reactions are frequently and repeatedly out of all proportion to what is actually happening and they are not limited to just ‘venting’ on here, you describe, often in some detail, how you act it out on your kids etc in real life too.

Your posts are confused, they are on occasion (IMO) delusional, you frequently describe your own very poor parenting of your DC which you seem to feel fine about because your xh is all to blame for everything.

You feel like you lurch from one crisis to another all created by xh, you vary between blaming one or other of your dc to blaming xh but you never ever take responsibility for anything yourself.

It is hard to tell whether your xh is even bad because TBH the way you come across (as above) gives the impression that your view of things is very distorted by mental illness and therefore unreliable.

offred - do one please - if thats the case then MH have let me down too -

do you actually have any understanding of narcisstic abuse - and I can tell you I am not delusional - everything i have said has happened - see i write it all down and then I can refer back to it - otherwise yes I would continue to doubt myself -
have you heard of the straw that broke the camel's back - 20 years of accepting shite does this to you - i was fucking delusional then - not now - see things very clearly - maybe you dont get me offred - doesnt mean im delusional - people i know get me - get this!

PN Girl I can assure you i wont be in this place - ive been in this place too long - far too fucking long - im getting out - and once im out its out for good - no going back - no more repeating this shite - i had a chance 20 years ago - i missed it took the wrong fucking path - not this time

So what are you going to do to ensure that you are not here ranting and railing at the unfairness of the situation between now and then? What do you mean by "Getting out"?

They may well have done green.

I don’t agree that 20 years of narcissistic abuse can possibly be the only reason for all of this.

It may well be a part of this, but it is also clear that you have your own issues which are, now you have separated from xh, the main problem.

And re the delusional comment. I don’t mean necessarily that your description of x as a narcissist is delusional but that your belief that planets are controlling your life and this energy stuff...

It is abundantly clear from what you write that you have extreme reactions even to minor or totally predictable bad behaviour...

In short you don’t come across as reliable where assessment of your circumstances is concerned.

ok offred you dont get it - just because you dont doesnt mean again I am delusional - people do get this stuff - yes i do have extreme reactions - they may be minor to you - but maybe stuff you react to i dont - everyone has their triggers - i dont need your approval that I am reliable - i know i am - i didnt do a runner when things got tough - i stuck it out - i could have had my head turned - i removed myself from the situation and tried to talk to the X - i have it all documented in black and white - i write my thoughts down and then later i can go back to them - sometimes im wrong sometimes im right - but this way no one can say you said this or you said that - i know exactly what i have said

PNgirl im not going into that on here -

It’s not that I don’t get some deeply personal spirituality that you have green. It is that believing that energies and planets are the cause of these negative things that are happening in your life is delusional.

And you are not reliable, you are around. That is different.

Your poor DC don’t know whether you are going to be moping around in your pjs, dramatically retiring to bed, angrily packing them off to xh, obsessing over controlling them like small children, having nice chats with them etc etc day to day....

From what you describe of your behaviour you act out these strong feelings in your day to day life and they are taking the brunt of it.

And from your own descriptions this is not a case of different people have different things that set them off. This is a case of you failing to cope with your actual life and using a variety of maladaptive coping mechanisms, which are causing harm to the DC and which are actually perpetuating your distress.

You have been separated from xh for two years. You should have learned more productive coping mechanisms by now.

This is why I first wrote the ‘is this thread helping or harming’ post a little bit ago... you have made zero progress in the two months of this thread and apparently in the two years of separation and the level of the behaviour you speak about is so bad as to represent fairly serious safeguarding concerns IMO.

And if what you say about xh is true re narcissism it is clear that your dc have two unstable and damaging parents who are both so self involved that they cannot provide them with safe and reliable care.

Your kids don’t care that you endured ‘20 years of narcissistic abuse’ they care that you didn’t get them out of a bad situation earlier and that you continue to fail them (and sometimes blame them) now you are out.

Funny. You will go into every minor detail about everything else! If it is because you don't want your ex to see, whatever plan you are concocting should have ball-all to do with him otherwise nothing will change.

OP your anger and resentment is palpable. I think you've moved into an obsessive deadlock with your ex that YOU need to break for the sake of your own wellbeing and that of your children.

Keeping notes, counting scores it's not normal behaviour after 2 years. Can you see that? There comes a point where you have to stop and draw a line. This isn't a competition which at the end declares a winner. There are two young adults in the middle mentally suffering by the toxic environment they've had to endure. You have to stop contributing to that by trying to control them and their relationship with their father. They will end up on the stately homes thread in the future if you don't. I'm sure you don't want to go NC with them. Think of all the things you will miss out on that lies ahead of them.

Bitterness is no way to live. Be your own best friend and start healing yourself

Bam bam thank you - my behaviour may not be normal what is normal? Most people give up by now because the fight is too much - but if I am going back to court at some point I need notes.

Yes all of you are right especially you fanny fletcher - I am not the one who lies - I am the one picking up the responsibility that the x has ditched - I'm the one the kids call when they are distraught not him - I'm the one they choose to spend Christmas Day with every year - I'm the one they are choosing to live with.

Pingirl yes you are right whatever I do should have ball all to do with him - but he still has to have control over my life - I think the saying is doesn't want me but doesn't want anyone to have me either - and he still tries to control every aspect of my life..

This all boils down to him not paying his fair share of his kids maintenance - its that simple - he doesn't want them living with him full time - that's why he bailed - he can't cope with Ds fullon but he doesn't want me flourishing either so that's why he plays this nasty game.

If what you are saying about me is right and my MH is so severe why did he completely ignore it in court - ill tell you why because he didnt want to pay spousal - surely if I'm that destructive you'd want your kids away from me but he doesn't - he doesn't want Dd living with him because it will impact on his relationship with Ow - the kids will make their own choices at the end of the day - but I wish someone had told me what an abusive relationship looked like when I was younger, I wish someone had told me about red flags - is he telling the kids any of this - a to stop Dd turning out like me or Ds to stop him ending up in an abusive relationship - is he fuck - he couldn't give a toss about them long term

Offred I don't know where you are getting your perception from about my kids but you are way off track - maybe this is your own kids relationship with you - it's certainly not mine

Stop. Stop. Stop
He only has the control that you let him have.
You have no need whatsoever to have any kind of relationship with him.
Block his emails, phone number etc
Have nothing to do with him whatsoever.
From this minute. Right now.

Green I am sorry you're having such a hard time right now.

I didn't see your previous threads but it's clear you're finding it very hard to cope with your DS, who from the sound of it is very depressed.

It also sounds like you're finding it hard to cope with life in general, and I'm glad to hear you have CBT booked in for January.

It sounds like you don't currently work and you're feeling very anxious about having to find work once the DC are 18. Having been out of the workplace for such a long time I think anyone would feel trepidation at going back! Is there anything you can do now to start preparing yourself for that eventuality? EG taking a training course?

Are you currently on any medication for your depression and anxiety?