Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

Moon cup I get what you are saying - it's one thing being selfish But this is more than this because a selfish person can tolerate being told that their behaviour is selfish and they will adapt it because it is hurting the person they care about

But when they are being told this and don't see anything wrong with it whatsoever despite how much pain the person they care about being distressed - this is evil - as in Ds asking X not to speak to the school. I heard the conversation to see Ds so upset broke my heart - for x not to back down means he has no fucking heart and then to show Ds his new xphone - wtf - I am struggling to absorb this.

How can you let your kids think that this behaviour is normal - that buying you a new phone is 'love' - that getting you to behave by threatening to throw your favourite toy out the window - is how parenting is? I know this is how a lot of people parent and I'm guilty of this too - but I now see how wrong it is -and I didn't know this until the divorce turned so nasty.

I get you want your kids to feel safe - but are they really safe if they grow up with a false sense of safe - my kids are safe physically with x but emotionally no way. The conflict is coming because we are obviously parenting so differently and the kids are confused.

But if all he is doing to me is classed as abuse which I have been told it is and from what I see this is how he interacts with the kids then this is abuse too - you don't say how old your kids are - maybe you have time to deal with this before they go off into the adult world - I don't have the time

I don't tell my kids it's normal

I make no comment

They are 15 and 12

You won't get them to recognise emotional abuse while they are young. Our culture simply doesn't support that. See the stately homes thread, people don't see it until they are much more experienced

I agree with your sentiments and understand your frustration and know it isn't fair, but life isn't

It's just futile and will continue to do you harm not accepting that this is the way he is

I recognise I sound defeated but I feel far fro
It, I actually feel strong and content

But how that read is you told him about your concerns re DS’ mental health. He wanted to speak to school, DS didn’t want him to, he did anyway and DS was upset.

A. If he was very concerned and DS is refusing help maybe it is necessary to speak to school even though DS didn’t want him to.

B. DS in that situation needs you to sit down and calmly explain that to him and help him feel better about his dad speaking to school.

C. It doesn’t sound like XH can do anything without you taking it as another example of him being ‘evil’.

And I have always spoken to my older two about managing their expectations re their dad.

And made it clear that it is shit but it is not their fault. It is all about his own inadequacies.

That said, I am glad that he has got better through his own effort. He is still not a good enough father, they still deserve better but I appreciate that he is at least stable and consistent in the small amount he is able to manage.

Is he consistent with the EOW and one night?

Offred do you have any links that I can look at - I'm actually thinking the head at school has somehow influenced Ds to look beyond his life now to focus on getting to uni and away from dysfunctional parents.

I had a long telephone conversation with him he was looking to me for guidance - but what I don't know is what was discussed at the meeting the x had with him -and the telephone conversation he had with the x after - but the follow up letter that came out to both of us was actually not a summary of our conversation and it triggered something off in me so much so that I sent a response to him.

I now get where Ds is coming from - he is if the opinion he has two dysfunctional parents and doesn't want to know anymore - we have fucked up his life by our inability to communicate - he doesn't know about narcs and now doesn't want to know - he too is probably counting down the time to when he can be free of this.

But he displays unacceptable behaviour whether he knows this is wrong or not I don't yet know

You have been saying I don't know how to cope with normal parenting - I'm trying to do more than cope I'm trying to change from a parenting style that is based on fear and punishment and control to one of communication and respect - the kids have never witnessed communication and respect it's completely alien to them - this is where the conflict is coming from - they don't see this all they see is one parent playing off another and due to their age this is made all the more difficult - I get this now.

I need to absorb this - I get what I need to do - I wanted to try and get Ds to speak to someone privately during the holidays but I needed time to work on him - this is not going to happen now that he is spending half the time with x, ow & her kids - so ill get a break but I know I will also get repercussions when Ds comes back - because he doesn't get that what he will experience whilst he is away will damage him - but his behaviour on his return when he has to process all these negative feelings tells me how damaged he is by it all.

Offred I said before thank you for trying to help me - thank you again for not giving up on me x

Moon cup you don't sound defeated at all - you sound accepting and doing the best for your kids

My other issue is to do with my own childhood - I've said on here - my dm also said nothing - she had MH issues too - my parents stayed together it was after my dm died and my DF started behaving completely out of character that I started questioning their relationship - I always said my x was like my DF but maybe too much like him -

I've done a lot of reading about MH - my dm was South African and had a v difficult childhood with apartheid and sexual abuse in the family - this has somehow got to impact on her MH - she never talked about any of this - this I believe is where we go wrong - we have to talk make sense of our feelings

As I've said I thought I was in a normal marriage - I put a lot of it down to the stresses we were going through and my depression - but nothing absolutely nothing can justify the treatment of me since the breakdown and depression is often a symptom of an abusive relationship - this is where I've ended up and as I have said before there is no way I want my kids going through what I have

Thank you to those that are still reading and commenting - you have given me renewed strength

I think you need more specialised and intensive support than just reading stuff online TBH.

I think your DC need (particularly DS) someone independent of both you and his father to work with him re his wellbeing. Where you get this from depends on what services CAMHS/the LA/the charitable sector provide.

Separate from this if he has decided that he is sick of being in the middle of you and his father you need to try very hard to respect that and draw some really firm boundaries re your relationship with his father that reduce the chances of there being any further conflict.

You may need to accept that given everything he is going to have issues with his behaviour (and DD too) and make a commitment to calm down your reactions to things, which are undoubtedly feeding it and making it worse.

Don’t start seeing him as ‘just like his dad’, don’t try sending him to his father, address only the really important bad behaviours (things that put him or others at risk) and ignore the other behaviours, provide praise for times when he is lovely or has done things well, listen to him when he wants to talk but don’t chase him round trying to get him to talk and respect that he is almost an adult.

It doesn’t strike me that just deciding he is not going to tolerate this drama and is going to get his head down and focus on getting to uni is a bad plan. If this is how he feels then try to accept it. Try to show him that you accept and support that being his decision.

Offred I wanted to go with him to the school - he refused to tell me when the meeting was wanted to go on his own - who knows what he said but in Ds,S best interests I doubt it - he goes in heavy handed - this is why he was reported to ss before by my MH because his behaviour is excessive - but he doesn't see it.

Ds thought he would get expelled this is how distraught he was - the school didn't need to know it was during the holidays when to all purposes Ds had left

He did this before with the family home - refused to let me attend meetings with developer that bought house - even refused to let my DF attend in my abscence - he stitched me up - my sols didn't listen to me when I told them what he was capable of - they said no one is like this but they also had experience so they said - this was rubbish they have never come across an experts report being discredited in court before because it was biased but this was x's ability to control and manipulate -
Nobody taught me to stand up for myself - I was taught to do as your told - when I questioned work stuff 20 odd years ago I ended up with PTSD - I had a case I backed away thinking this was the best option - it suited me at the time - because I get emotional I am an hysterical female - but I have proved to myself that my emotions or instincts are correct - I am getting the piss taken out of me

X is not going to teach the kids how to deal with this - because he will be teaching them how to stand up to him

Offred I have been doing this in between but yes as he goes to his DF one night and eow - you can see why it is difficult

As I said I will pick this up with CBT - I have met the instructor she particularly wanted to work with me - I have had counselling with one of her colleagues - I was pursuing another angle with one of the organisations you mentioned - it got cancelled and so I will pick this up again in the new year

I'm going off now - thank you again -

You have spent a lot of time on me and I have not always been grateful - but I am Offred - I appreciate it - maybe one day I can get you to see about the universe etc ( I'm joking by the way) thank you

i am so fucking fed up of this - i told myself i would not be back on here this year - i wanted to take a different tack this year and already 18 days in the fucking shit is already happening - i get no fucking peace - how do i get the fucking parasite off my back!

cms have reviewed my case - the measly £65 per week the X is paying for his two kids has been recalculated at £1200 odd per month - but guess what he is challenging it - saying they have his income wrong - yes at the £41000 or £71,000 whichever one they are working on it is wrong it should be nearer £150k but no doubt he will say it is wrong

and also he has the kids for more nights than the basic level - even though half the fucking time they do not stay with him but go to friends

he has booked another 2 holidays - both of which require changes to contact and neither of which he bothered to consult with me first - just does his fucking usual and overrides it to suit himself!

I have a letting agent coming tomorrow to decide what rent i need to be paying on the former family home that i managed to negotiate for 2 years instead of the 6months x arranged - this is likely to be in the region of £1500pm.

If i agree to this this eats further into the money i have available for housing - after already agreeing to pay DS school fees.

I want to try and keep the kids here until alevels next year but its not looking good - the extra CM would have offsett some of the rent - but ofcourse the fucking X knows this - lets twist the screws again

I beleive he is off on holiday again next week - still no fucking money - what bullshit!

i have had to postpone my CBT - i am not in the right headspace to deal with this - i pranged the bloody car on the way there last week - so stressed out! this is because he wanted to trial contact one week on one week off - oh yes just as the cms review comes out - except he doesnt tell the kids the full impact of changing the contact arrangements - just wouldnt this be a good idea now - and again covers his need for me to cover his contact AGAIN!

i am crying daily at the moment - i dont feel like i have moved on since this first happened - i expect my posts sound pretty much like they first did when i started posting on here except i no longer post when i am under so much panic - but i have been there - just last week - that feeling back on the floor - except i feel like i am permanently on the floor - just get to my knees and then get kicked over again -

the kids dont get it - DS is back to giving me verbal again - thinks its perfectly acceptable to leave all his crap all over the house - i have nothing to do all day - at what age do you stop wiping their bloody arses - he doesnt get depression - he doesnt get that all these thoughts go round my head all day until i am too exhausted to do anything - if only - there is so much i want to do bbut get ccant myself where i need to be to do it -

i just want some fucking respite from all this constant shite - there are other issues going on which is like banging your head against a brick wall - nobody but nobody seems to take responsibility for themselves - just pass the buck all the time

I want to run - run far away from this - but i cant i have to endure it - and to fucking cap it all i've just worked out for the last 5 months X has paid £1300 for his two kids - i expect he pays more in petrol backwards and forwards to OW

i want to give up this fucking fight - fighting for my kids to get to stay in their home til 18 - fighting to be here to support them as best I am able to - fighting still for my financial security why am i fighting? because something inside me tells me to keep going - just that little bit more - will it be worth it - who fucking knows - it has to be doesnt it - because kids are always worth fighting for despite all the shite - someone please tell me they get this