Didn't want to be back on here so soon

[greenberet]

After getting my last thread deleted but I have nowhere else to go _ I need to get this out

I need the X's agreement to take the kids on holiday ( not due to court order but country) and he has refused. Said he's thought about it and spoken to kids and doesn't agree.

wTF is wrong with him - the country is significant to me its where my mum was born - I've never been and I want to take the kids - I've always wanted to go and made the decision to do it after getting breast cancer i knew he was going to do this - he did this before during the divorce process and the solicitors were arguing over the finer points of it all - in the end I backed down because of the hassle - this wasn't even to this country just not uk.

I had wanted to go October half term - I had already changed the dates from earlier in the year due to not being right time with kids needing to revise etc and for one reason or another haven't got round to booking anything yet. Whether it was going to be possible I didn't know but thought I'd see what his reaction would be.

Right now I can't say how I feel I am too numb to cry - this is just one continual onslaught after another - I am supposed to be free of him -but he can still dish out the abuse every time

I would be on the floor if I hadn't expected it - but even so I'm pretty close. what is his fucking problem.i have once again lost the motivation to do anything - I had a hospital Procedure yesterday - this was enough to contend with.

Please those that have commented before and told me I am on some "pity party" please refrain from commenting - I do not need this. In fact I don't really care if I get no comments - this is my record of what's going on in my head and one day I shall put all my posts together - if you read thank you

Mistress - thank you - ive woken up with a clearer head today - i realised i fucked up sending the kids to the x's but i really felt i couldn''t go on as i was - as it is my sleeping pattern has been all over the place but with no one here it does not matter - im managing to do what i can to try and get some order back in my life - for me this means getting on top of the housework.

ive spoken to my dd today - things are never as they seem- she has told me OW is coming down this week - the X just mentioned it casually to her - why is EVERYTHING always about him - my dd has never met OW and has no intention of doing so - but obviously the X takes any opportunity he can to try & force them together - DD is now not attending her GF birthday meal and is coming home.

im so glad I told the kids i had got it wrong before they or I knew this - no doubt the X will twist this to be me stopping DD from meeting her -

i really dont care anymore - I realised something yesterday the only way to get FREE is forgiveness - i have been in and out of anger for so long - wanting revenge one minute even though I know this is not the right way - and then persecuting myself for continually getting it wrong. but i realised i had to forgive - myself and others - my intentions are always good but sometimes i get it wrong - i have to keep telling myself all this is new to me sometimes i will get it wrong but that is ok - the main thing is that you have to keep talking. pretty hard though when the other parties do not want to talk. and so i also have to think others are doing their best and will get it wrong (my dad & x ) even if they have a poorer hand than others to start with - don't know if this makes sense- and maybe take longer to learn - we all learn at different paces but hopefully we get there in the end.

some on here ( or maybe my deleted thread) have said it appears i have rewritten my whole history to delude myself about what is happening. no I have rewritten my whole history to make sense of what is happening and has been happening throughout my life - i cant confirm this as my DM is dead - but my gut tells me i am right - when something is not right i am in anguish or depression to dull the feelings - when ive found the answer i feel at ease.

somehow I think i knew the X would not give his permission for the trip - but i had to get this confirmed - i now have. events are overtaking themselves as it is - as one call says its october.

I will get to go when the time is right - whether my kids come with me it is their choice - i have to respect that even as much as i would like them to come and feel it would be beneficial to them.

But in refusing to give me his permission he has set me free in another way - i can now change my name - the only reason i had not was to do with this trip to keep the passports all the same - any suggestions on what it should be.

someone said i write too much and I probably do - but it helps me get it out my head and if i put down the reasons why i come to the conclusions maybe it will help others.

Often advice comes on here but sometimes it is difficult to see what angle it comes from as the person giving the advice is no longer caught in the middle but may have come out the other side and so sometimes it feels a bit detached or the reasoning behind it is missing - this is what i am trying to achieve - im not really giving advice as such Im sharing my story - if anyone can take bits of it and see how it relates to them and helps them then it has some purpose

rebecca- yes i do beleive i had advice to do both - i printed out the thread I could go back and find it but i cannot really be bothered

its not about stepping up and being an active parent though is it - i have depression this means i am not always able to do this - i came across this article from 2015 - it doesnt appear we have moved forward that much.
www.huffingtonpost.ca/jennifer-pellegrini/mental-
illnessb6567910.html

i think i said somewhere before I never used to talk about it - i kept it to myself - people that thought they knew me never really did - you learn to hide it

Im not doing that anymore - i have nothing to be ashamed off - there are those that will never get it - but the more people talk hopefully one day we will reach a stage where the stigma is no longer attached

greenberet Im glad you've woken up with a clearer head.

You sounded as if you really needed to talk, and to think aloud. We all need to sometimes don't we, may not always sound so 'ordered' but it doesn't have to, its about getting it all out so its not going around and around in your head only. I wish you well

@Rebeccawithgoodhair
your comments have been bothering since i read them and I find them extremely offensive

Once again you are twisting facts to suit yourself.

I wonder, genuinely wonder, who was the abusive partner in this relationship. It could seem from the other angle that your ex had a lot to put up with from you and even now you are trying to control and manipulate him

when someone is on here because they are struggling to cope and is on the verge of a breakdown and they have said they feel they are subject to continuining abuse who are you to come on here and say what you have said.
if you do not get it then stay off the thread - your perspective is dangerous as are all the others questioning my integrity.
have you read all my back posts - no i doubt it - have you suffered with either abuse or depression yourself - again I doubt it
I hope you are lucky enough never to find yourself in my position and if by some strange twist of fate you are looking for help you do not get told you have imagined it at best or deserved it at worst.

My X sufferred a "breakdown" - how genuine this was i am not sure but he was certainly under stress from the lying and deceit.
He had the luxury of his No 2 running the business for him and me doing everything else for him while he took 6 months to recover - whether this was some ploy to minimise his earnings and make the business figures look like the company was going down the pan is probably likely.

My situation is genuine i have had to carry on whilst i have been under extreme stress - i have had no number 2 to step in and give me 6 months off from being a mum. at the same time i have also been dealing in an extremely acrimonious divorce which towards the end i was representing myself - not by choice either.

this is not a pity party - it is stuff that is coming to the surface that for one reason or another i could not deal with at the time - your brain protects you from trauma or either shuts you down - luckily I had Mental health team supporting me.

It dawned on me today I have not yet even come to terms with having breast cancer - at the moment all i seem to be noticing is stuff to do with this - it is probably now coming up - i went into survival mode - i had to for my own sake and for the kids - if i look back on my behaviour at the time it was crazy - i was in denial - the consultant told me this might happen once everything else settled down - so for that judge to tell me it would all be better once the divorce was through had no fucking idea.

anger is a good emotion i am told and better out than in

Fair points greenberet and I agree that my last paragraph was harsh and unnecessary. I apologise for that.

I wish you well with your health and hope you can have a happy life going forward.

Rebecca - thank you for apologising - just something so simple has such great power.

Maybe if I had come back on here I might have saved myself some anguish.

I needed to go food shopping I have basically been eating whatever is left in the house - with me on my own it doesn't matter.

I tried to have a sleep yesterday after doing some house stuff I couldn't - I got up got showered and ready to go out - I then decided I couldn't face it - for some reason I acknowledged yesterday that I haven't been into the local town for many months - I choose to go to a different one 10 mins away. I have been vaguely aware of this but yesterday started asking myself why - but the thought of going here started to give me panicky feelings - is it because it was the family shopping town, is it because my sols are there, is it because I might meet someone I know.

I sat outside for 10 mins in the sunshine to try & calm myself down. The woofer was sitting by me - I had a flashback to 20 odd years ago when I last had a breakdown and the first dog 'we' owned - that dog spent so long curled up beside me and it registered this one is doing the same. I got it for the kids -the Ds wanted it - but it is mostly with me.

I went to the local shop got some bits and came home. Last night I spoke to my DF & updated him - he was not surprised re x behaviour over SA. I facetimed Dd but she was busy with schoolwork. She was talking to me but not looking at me and it reminded me of exactly how it was when I used to FaceTime x when trying to find out what was going on- he would be looking everywhere except at me. I have a thing about eyes when talking to people. I hate talking to people with sunglasses on. When I said this to Dd she got defensive with me and I stopped the conversation.

I then tried to ft Ds - he messaged me back to say he was going to sleep. Yesterday evening I spoke to everyone in RL (apart from my bro and including two others not mentioned) who I would have said are the people I could count on in RL and not one of them really was interested in how I was feeling. I had several outbursts of emotional tears yesterday. The day before I had tried to hide my posts on FB - they are mostly psychological stuff that I want to read and I thought I just want to keep these to myself - I didn't really want to unfriendly everyone but I also no longer want to see their stuff coming up in my newsfeed.

I had stuff whirring round my head last night - despite being dog tired I could not shut my head off - I started to think maybe I am already having a breakdown - l looked up the symptoms I googled to see if there was some private clinic I could check into but the one I found seemed more for addictions.

I have heard myself say I don't know who I am anymore yesterday I was asking myself if I am abusive and manipulative - I don't feel like I know who anyone really is anymore - I found I didn't even want to rely on the latest counsellor saying she wanted to help me in case she let me down.

I looked up some holidays which in the past I would have been jumping at the bit to do - but the thought of having to pack and being around people was too much. I spend most of my time in pjs or tracksuit except when I go out and it's then jeans. If I could go somewhere just as i am that would be ok.

I then got up and decided I needed to shut my head off - I talked myself out of going to gp yesterday for sleeping tablets thinking I was ok - but I'm not really sure what I am. I had some allergy tablets and remember reading these have a sedative effect so took one. It did the trick.

This morning I woke up with a start _ I do yoga on a Tuesday and it was a massive effort to get myself there - in the past I would not have gone but I have tried to stop this. We are learning meditation with a metronome which I have been ok with. Today I couldn't shut my head off and the metronome sounded like a ticking time bomb.

I know I was not right today - I didn't want to be seen - my balance was all over the show and I kept getting told to lift my head up - I was obviously trying to hide myself.

I made a gp appointment - my gp has been with me all the way through this - I have started to have doubts about him recently but today I told him I think I'm having a breakdown. I was late he told me he had other patients waiting that I am strong and need to find away through this.

I told him the only way I can see getting free is by moving hundreds of miles away and leaving my kids behind. I think he was shocked because everything is always about my kids. He has told me to come back when we can talk.

I came out of there thinking no bugger wants to help me not even my gp - I have been asking for help for months - I get a token gesture and then it's back to how it was. It really is down to me on my todd.

I am back in bed - I am numb - normally I would be crying writing this but I'm not - is this really me

I don't know why I'm doing this - I'm not asking for help anymore - I don't feel like talking to anyone - right now it's just me and the dog

This is my story
,

It's clicked why I got the refusal to take the kids to SA - the pension sharing order has just come through - he didn't want me to have a share of this - in his eyes it was all his as bringing up kids is not proper work therefore I had no pension.

The irony in all this his own DM was a SAHM but did odd part time jobs every now & then probably to save her sanity and also because his own DF was abusive and controlling financially. It gave her her own money.

Had his own DF chosen to treat his DM like he is treating me he would have been fighting her battle all the way.

What a fucked up society we live in

I have worked out what's wrong with me - I am currently shifting from fight, flight or freeze mode. Right now I am having feelings of panic - I need to leave the house again. But it is not this that is the issue unlike Monday when I thought it was.

I am going somewhere soon which is bringing up these feelings. It is connected to my story. It is not even directly about me as such but nevertheless the connection is having a profound effect on me. Far worse than I would have imagined when I arranged it.

I've thought about cancelling or rearranging ie flight, my body is shutting down on me my legs feel like jelly and I know when it comes to it I will have immense difficulty trying to control my feelings.

The last time I felt like this was the first mediation session where I had to come face to face with the x - there was a hypnotherapist there specifically brought in to try and calm me beforehand and also a specialist conflict guy because I had told the mediator about my concerns.

Something during the hypnotherapist,s speel set me off - I could not contain myself after this point and was an emotional wreck. The irony is I had embarked on a hypnotherapist training course myself just as the nmarriage went into difficulty and before I knew about the affair.
So I knew perfectly well that it was supposed to help but it unleashed a wave of emotion that I could not curtail.

In hindsight I should not have attended mediation and got straight to court but my sol at the time believed the bullshit too about limited funds and thought this would sort it quickly and cheaply - what a joke!

The time prior to this was when I left my last job and had to attend meetings with HR. My gp diagnosed me with PTSD at the time 20 years ago. I too could not walk my legs were rooted to the ground. Ironically here my x supported me through this but then wanted to ditch me as I was no longer the same person - would anybody be after going through this.

Somehow through a mixture of counselling and begging on my part I think he stayed - I can't really remember exactly. There are huge chunks in my memory - my brain shutting down to protect me - I often here myself saying I can't really remember.

Whtether I will come out of this and remember I don't know - that is why I am writing it down. Somehow I think this links into Alzheimer's but this is another avenue for me to explore at some other time.

So despite the fear being immense I have to do this thing - I have mixed motivations for doing it - but I will hopefully come out better for doing so.

Just by writing my thoughts down the panic seems to have dissipated I can now carry on a bit more with my day - hopefully I can get done just what I need.

My kids haven't come home yet - my Dd maybe tomorrow - I think my Ds will stay with the x a bit longer - hopefully to half term but I have been speaking to them everyday and they know how much I love them.

I think by the time I started asking for help I was already in the red - or maybe people really just don't listen - if you look like you are coping they think you are - only it's me who knows I am not - I had to put the mask on to go out yesterday but I knew my eyes were dead. I remember reading this about Denise welch and her depression.

If anybody had really looked closely they would have seen - but we are all often too busy too caught up in our own lives to notice what is going on around us right under our noses.

And on the subject of noses WTF have I just seen about nose hair extensions - is this April Fool - sadly it is not - how long before this becomes mainstream - we are the butt of some big joke - but we cannot see it because stupidly we follow the herd - the people who are laughing are those cashing in - but the fear of being different drives us head long into stupidity when really what we need to do is wake the fuck up!

Been awake for a coup,e of hours - managed to get off to sleep without resorting to allergy tablet in lieu of sleeping tablet.

Having another wobble feel like I've massively fucked up and don't know who the hell I am any more- the thing I was talking about yesterday has been cancelled which I'm mighty relieved about so why am I feeling like this?

I feel like I've lost my kids - maybe it's me that doesn't listen - fighting for the house for the school that I thought was the right thing to do - but right now I'm alone with the dog - Dd went to BF last night - DS still at x,s - they kept telling me to stop but I kept going - maybe it's me that's hung up on money despite thinking I wasn't -all they wanted was me being at home being a mum - not knee deep in bloody paperwork to do with the divorce - my kitchen table hasn't been seen for months - it's part office part dumping ground - pretty much like the rest of the house - knee deep in crap from the last 20 years that suddenly has no meaning anymore.

No wonder I'm feeling drained. Can anyone tell me why I have taken to buying old chairs and furniture to be painted and done up - I think I just go from one " hobby " to another - I have so many "sort of projects" on the go half started but not finished - that I really don't know where I am at.

Is this just me - am I going through a transition or am I in the midst of some crazy hoarding spell - I've been saving old packaging for years - which is currently in the bathroom as ran out of energy partway through sorting it out.

The kids don't need or want this chaos - I feel like I'm in chaos - can't get straight - still feel like I'm 6 months behind in my life - slowly trying to move forward but can't see any difference - am I too impatient - is this normal to feel like this? Or am I still in and out of possible
Breakdown . I need to sleep

I'm worried about you, greenberet. I know you've said you were under a mental health team before - are you still in contact with them? If not, can you make contact asap? I don't think you sound well and I think you need proper support. This is absolutely meant with kindness.

Greenberet, my SIL has bipolar effective disorder, and your posts are reading like her communications do when she's on the brink of an episode. I don't know anything about your MH history or diagnosis, but I do think you need some professional help lovely.

She has a red amber green alert system for when she's beginning to feel unwell, do you have anything similar?

Look after yourself, and please do get in touch with your GP or MH team.

Hello bibliomania & narnia

Thank you for being concerned about me
I am diagnosed with depression - and have appointment to see Gp next week.

some of these posts come when I am feeling at my worst normally early hours in morning and it's the raw emotion coming out others I am less emotional but still struggling to accept what has happened to my life.
I know I am pretty all over the show - it has been a pretty gruelling time since the x first uttered those words "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore "" back in Dec 2013.

I am documenting how I am feeling as it happens. All the way through the last 4 years I have turned to the ladies on MN for support - each stage of my divorce has more or less been played out on here along with many others.

I am doing this for two reasons _ first one being it helps me to write down the thoughts in my head - something I have always done - and secondly this is my story and record of abuse that I have suffered and how it affects me.

As I have said many a time I never realised my marriage was abusive until it ended. In fact first off I found it hard to believe that there would be an OW -but there was - along with many others I don't know what I did to deserve the treatment I have had - yes I said to him I will take you for everything you've got in anger and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

But this does not warrant the utter spiteful, disrespectful and corrosive abuse I have been subject to when he chose to have an affair and then chose to end the marriage.

I have been severly let down by professional people paid to help me, by a court system that I have found to be a complete farce where the "rules" can change to suit whoever and currently by CMS who in their inefficiency are allowing the abuse to continue.

Above all when the family courts are supposedly about protecting children and putting their needs first their lack of foresight actually too allows the abuse to continue.

I am angry that words and action do not add up and completely contradict each other and frustrated that there seems to be bugger all I can do about it.

So not only am I abused on a personal level but I am abused by people and systems meant to help and protect me. Is there any wonder my MH is under attack.

The downshot of having depression means that i can turn events to somehow be my fault. I know this is not true but nethertheless sometimes I cannot stop the downward spiral.

This is where I'm at - if at somepoint I want to do something more with this - whatever "more" is - it is all here - for now if anyone going through something similar can see that they are not alone or crazy or can get out far sooner than I did then it is all good.

I managed to get a change of scenery this weekend so I am feeling better emotionally although tired today and maybe coming down with a cold.

Dd came home for a few days as will not meet OW and it was good to spend some time with her. She has been training all weekend for her new job - I am so very proud of her.

But I realised how stressed I must still be as a simple conversation about bus fares put my levels straight back to where they had been before the kids went to the X.

I have also realised something else - the X totally minimised my mental health during the divorce process despite the letters from professionals to the contrary in order to minimise his spousal maintenance to me. This was set at just two years before the judge made the decision that I am able to go back to full time work.

Yet his decision to refuse me permission to take the kids to SA is based on my MH and that currently I have said I am unable to cope and in need of a break.

Another example of how he uses information and twists it to his own advantage

I've noticed nobody is commenting so maybe it's time to switch this into some sort of blog - the drama seems to have subsided for now - I guess because I am no longer trying to fight.
I am exhausted today physically spent but somehow I need to carry on -I have yoga today I have the mask on to face the outside world - really I just want to stay in bed - I've tried to find a post which sums up what it's like to fell when you gave depression - but I can't right now.

I miss my kids I have already been in tears this morning but I also know that I am yet. Not strong enough to cope with any slight hiccup. It won't take much for me right now to nosedive.

I'm back to see my gp today feeling slightly anxious that his understanding of me has run out and he thinks it's time for me to just pull myself together - I've been here before.

I'm struggling to keep on top of all the house stuff deal with an 8 month old puppy that the kids wanted and manage a garden that is too big for me to deal with and I no longer feel motivated to do.

Is this what happens when we place too much emphasis on material possessions - the dream house feels like an albatross around my neck - all the stuff I bought before I understood what was going on in my head is now dragging me down In my attempts to get rid of it all - the x he just did a runner - it will come back to haunt him one day - mine may be physical baggage but he still has all the emotional baggage bossed up ready to explode at some point when he no longer expects it.

I need to get a move on - I keep saying I feel like I'm living my life 6 months behind and I'm always late these days - never ever used to be like this

greenberet, when is your gp appointment? I think you need to tell him or her exactly how you are feeling. Could you afford a gardener?

hi ricko - its today - i tried last week hopefully he will be more sympathetic today if not i shall be looking to speak to someone else - he messed up my referral to gynae which in my circumstances is not really acceptable - i shall also be asking him whether he thinks i am unfit to travel with the kids to SA - and another adult.

i have employed a gardener before but i am trying not to spend on unnecessary expenditure because it is all coming out of my housing allowance - but i am going to have to weigh up whether the effect on my health is worth more -

I am also chasing the X for payment for the kids - i have had to pay out an extra £700 for school & college which is not covered by the measly £65.70 he is paying for them both - everyone knows how much teens eat - this just about covers food & toiletries for them never mind anything else.

One day i will be free of this shite - it cant come soon enough - thanks for still taking time to comment

Green - a couple of things stuck out at me. You say what did you do to deserve this - you know, that nothing you did cause you to deserve this. You are not being punished for some previous life, or misdemeanour. It is not your fault.

The house - would your MH state allow you to sell it and move? If the house is a millstone and the garden too big, it is not helping your MH. But i understand that this is a huge step to do alone.

Keep posting - at the very least it gets it down, out of your head.

And I agree - keep telling the GP. And any professionals that you can.

I hope you're gp was more helpful. As pp said, if it helps you at all, then please keep posting.
In my unprofessional opinion though - and please I mean this to help not to criticise - you really do sound more than depressed. Have you anyone you could talk to in rl?
Sending you warm wishes x

Hi Gp was helpful yesterday - I must have caught him at an off moment last week - but I'm not sure what I can do other than keep going - I have no choice really - he's not sure either what he can do other than keep dishing out the tablets - sometimes I think all we need is for someone to say I get you, I get where you are coming from, I get how hard this is, I get that you are doing your best (despite how it may seem to the majority who without realising are lucky enough not to have experienced this to get it ), you can keep doing this you are strong. These are all the things we need to tell ourselves but we don't do we - we find reasons to berate ourselves rather than praise and acknowledge the strength it needs to keep going.

He will also confirm I'm ok to travel to SA with kids if I decide to take x to court right now I'm not sure I can be bothered - part of me wants to continue to fight the x - red flag to a bull - but the other point thinks what's the point - I will get to go and once the kids are 18 he cannot stop them. Maybe that will be more of a slap in the face if it's their choice

The house is already sold ptumbi - long story again I believe manipulated by the x- We have until April currently. Where I am going I have no idea yet. It's one step at a time - this is the next hurdle to overcome - so building my reserves up for this I guess _ kids will be devastated to leave - me too in many ways but I can also see new start etc.

I start CBT in Jan so this will help - good timing really - thanks guard- yes it helps posting - I'm feeling a bit better but still havent got much motivation and energy to do much

At the risk of poking my nose in where it's not wanted, I think you ought not to worry about the trip for now. Concentrate on getting well. Things you are posting seem a little dis -jointed at times and although I don't know you, I really feel for you.
Please, please don't feel so helpless (and I do know that feeling). There is help out there. It is only October and CBT is January?

guard - you are not poking your nose - thank you - you are telling me the same as most - i have a hard time letting go - that is obvious - the trip has been something i have wanted to do for a long time even when married - since my cancer diagnosis this was the only thing i really want to do and it is significant for the kids too - the best time to go is our winter so this restricts when to go - i had already postponed once in my head so just need to readjust - i was hoping this was going to give me the boost to clear up and leave the house but maybe this is not happening yet - i know i am all over the show - i dont like uncertainty - i like to know what is happening - so im having to readjust my whole outlook and try and just go with the flow -
i couldnt face CBT now - its a 12 week course and there will be exercises i need to do in between - it felt like one more thing i could not cope with.

my DD has already asked if she can have friends round next week during half term - i want to say yes because i dont like saying no - but even this feels too much too soon - but if i dont agree their childhood will be gone and the opportunity missed - i wanted to give them a party in the summer - this didn't happen as i was too overwhelmed with stuff - i havent even got dressed today - i meant to - i just get caught up with stuff and before i know it the day has gone

I just want to say OP that I am glad you are posting again. Although I also found your posts frustrating on that thread, I think you were treated atrociously by a few of the most vicious, heartless bitches on MN on your last thread and I apologize on their behalf because they are almost certainly not human enough to do it themselves.

Do you have a friend you could talk to? I feel you need some distance/perspective on your situation - your ex is far too much in your headspace, and you really need it to be a safe place for you alone... You need a friend to help you reclaim yourself.

.

I agree with Haffiana. The cbt is a good idea, but as it is not until January, I think it would be helpful if there was someone you could talk to in the meantime.
I also think it would be hugely helpful if you could get somebody to help you with the house and garden.

Do you have a friend you could talk to? I feel you need some distance/perspective on your situation - your ex is far too much in your headspace, and you really need it to be a safe place for you alone... You need a friend to help you reclaim yourself

Completely agree with this.You seem stuck in a backward looking cycle, resenting the past.
I can relate to your position and your fear of the future but try to focus on your positives.Its tough at first but really does help.

Can you try to list something positive on this thread?

thank you haffiana, rick & heroine i am feeling a bit better day by day - haffiana - you don't need to apologise on their behalf - there seem to be some posters on various threads that I do not get where they are coming from - I can't work out whether they are just out to cause a bun fight or seriously believe what they post - either way it is damaging the reputation of MN - people will look elsewhere for support

RL do not get it unless they have been through it - they cannot understand why an x would want to continue to destroy when he was the one who left. I have someone who helps me when I am low and just tries to get me up and going.

I've come to the realisation that I need to just get to the kids are 18 - whilst x feels he is having to "pay me" for his kids there will be some control.

I am going to look into getting someone in to do the garden again if the kids do not help during half term

I do not resent the past far from it - I have been giving the opportunity to re evaluate my whole life and work out what is important to me and what is not. This has been hard going at times but sometimes I do feel calm - just not often enough.

I am making small steps for the future but still have some upheaval to go through with the house and until this is sorted the uncertainty bothers me -

What angers me is the legal representation I had - I paid willingly for a service I needed and trusted them to do the right thing - knowing that I am not the only client they ripped off makes it worse -

The x is an arse - he should know better but justifies himself that he is doing the right thing - the sols on the other hand do not have this privilege -

I have a weekend of events that will hopefully restore me some more - thank you again for continuing to support