I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

I think you you need to do whatever will put your OH's mind at rest. I am surprised he didn't ask at the time- it seems odd to bring it up all this time later.

I think you should be open and nower his questions if you want to work at your relationship. He probably needs to know to be able to process what's happened and work from there.
I can imagine not knowing may feel like you still have some kind of secret connection to this man, something only you and he know and your dh wants to stop that??
It might be uncomfortable for you but I think you need to answer his questions

Nowhere-answer

It will have been preying on his mind & as time goes on what he imagines will get more & more vivid & upsetting. Better for him to know IMO, however much you don't want to tell him. His feelings matter more here.

At the very least op , you owe him answers to his questions.

Are you expecting him to simply "get over it"? That unfair behaviour , as was having the affair to begin with.

You owe him answers

I think you asking if you're in the wrong on here is going to open up some colourful responses.

You had an affair, bloody awful thing to do which, I think you already know that. I'd probably be going mad, wanting to ask the same questions as your husband is.

However, if you're now over, I'm not sure how telling him is going to make the situation any easier. But if you're still together, maybe he wants closure to move on from it and if he really wants to know, then tell him??

Then again, I don't know, I'm pretty crap at giving advice tbh.....

At the time H kept saying I know things you don't think I know. Like he was goading me. Last time H and I discussed the affair I asked H who was standing in front of him? I said that I made a stupid mistake back then. I was struggling with some fertility issues and crazy as it is the OM was a shoulder to cry on, moan at etc. OM was divorced and looking after his child full time alone.

I hear what you are saying. I will have to tell him what he wants to know so he doesn't wonder any more. There's not actually much to tell. In such a short space of time we mainly got to text each other and meet in the early evening at a pub for one drink and then part company.

Whilst you owe him an explanation I don't think you should be expected to go into detail about what sexual acts you engaged in 7 years after the event (I think that's what your DH is getting at?).

I would be more concerned to find out why dh wants details 7 years down the line. Does he suspect you are having another affair?

Your relationship can't move on unless you both accept that the past is the past.

Probably against the grain here but you don't need to tell him anything you don't feel comfortable with; just know that your partner may not be able to come to terms with that, which is absolutely his prerogative.

Just don't be bullied into it because you're suddenly this terrible person because you've had an affair so now you don't deserve to feel anything other than shit. You get to choose if it's something you want to do for the sake of MAYBE salvaging your relationship, or as something of an apology, or even penance.

It's not just telling him what he wants to know but trying to reassure him and make feel secure now.

Your posts come across as emotionally cold and unaware, if you're coming across as that stunted in real life to him too then it's no wonder he's not been able to move forwards.

Perhaps it would help you both to get marriage counseling.

I wonder if he's suspecting you of having another affair?

I know cheating was despicable.
We did go to marriage counselling. Things improved between me and H. I suggested we go back to counselling. H does not want to.
Fertility issues and medication and mental health are powerful things and I got everything wrong. Instead of leaning on my H I leaned outside my marriage. H seemed not be be bothered about my infertility. Not that I could see. Still very very wrong of me to cheat. I regret it and always will regret it.

I am still coming to terms with not being able to have a family of our own. H insists that he's OK about it. I'm not OK about it. H thinks I was cheating so I could line up an instant family. I ended a 5 week affair 7 years ago. I am generally trying to forget about the affair until it gets brought up in an argument. The current situation feels like I'm being punished and that H is trying to get his revenge. He wants to know what time of the day we had sex, which room, how it started each time, was it at our house (which it was not). did OM visit our house? does OM know where we live?

I have not cheated emotional or physical since the end of that affair and I never ever ever will.

H and I are starting to talk about separating and divorcing. He assumes I will phone the OM and get back in a sexual relationship with him. I have repeated over and over that have not, am not and will not do that to H. If I ever have another relationship it would only be after a divorce.

I really want my H to want me.

It's probably not helpful but my exh stayed with me for years after I had an affair, primarily to degrade and punish me with complete impunity. Except he says that isn't why he stayed, he says that he loved me, but it was the promise of love that never felt like it. We couldn't recover as a couple, but it wasn't the affair that started it; that was just one thing in an escalating saga of us just not being very nice to each other any more.

I wouldn't answer any questions that you feel degrade you, and the very sexual ones do sound that way. What's done is done and you have to move on from it, but you can't drag him with you if he won't come.

I'm confused did he confront you at the time or has he just told you that he knew about it now years later ?

Either way you owe him answers however he decided to stay with you so imo once he has those answers if he decides to stay then he can't hold it against you for ever

For the record. I have not contacted OM.

I think H might have done recently. I asked H if he had and he went red in the face. That gave me my answer.

I have a different phone number from 7 years ago as I changed it at husband's request straight after I was found out. I asked to look at H's phone last night. He brushed off the question and looked embarrassed. I do not have OM's phone number but H has.

Hi found out about affair 4 days after I ended it (which was 7 years ago). He saw a text from OM. He then sent texts to OM saying he was my husband and called him names and threatened him. They did not know each other before. OM backed off and has not contacted me since. I'm pleased he acted like that.

When people are cheated on sometimes they need to know all the gory details. Don't ask me why, but it is a thing. They say they need complete transparency, to know they know everything.

You should tell him everything he wants to know. This should actually have been done 7 years ago, and it must have been eating away at him ever since.

You're husband clearly feels he can't move past this until he has all the information.

If you want to try and save your marriage, you should tell him the truth, and let him decide whether he wants to continue your relationship or not.

Ah ok got you well I personally think if he decided to stay with you then as I said above he can't hold it against you forever . I imagine it's been playing on his mind and you maybe so owe him some answers to a point though , details of sexual acts for example will probably just embarrass you and will not make him feel any better for knowing !

I'd say it was an emotional affair not physical to try to limit the damage of the hurt. What can be proved or gained dragging it all up now?

True remorse would be telling your husband the answers to his questions.

Without that he'll think it's worse.

Perhaps if you read Joseph's letter, (link below) you'll understand why He needs to know

www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Don't ever underestimate the impact of infidelity on the betrayed spouse.

Hi OP, just to put things from a slightly different perspective. My husband had sex with OW sometime before Christmas and he told me on the same day it happened. I've accepted it as my own fault and we're still together. However now, every time he touches me or kisses me, I wonder whether he did the same to her. I also want to know all the details so that I can hurt it out (if it makes sense). At the same time I am scared of hearing it. It's bizzare. If you do decide to tell him, just play it down for the sake of your H's feelings.

I think it is very difficult for a marriage to move past an affair.

First, I don't think that you have to answer questions that you find humiliating and degrading. There is a difference between needing to know the truth, and needing to humiliate one's spouse.

I think that its common for someone who has been cheated on but stayed in the relationship to then cheat on their spouse. It's almost like playing both roles helps them make sense of what happened.

It's also common for someone who has been untrustworthy to project their guilt. So it makes sense that your H is both acting like he is cheating, and yet wanting to drag you through the coals over something that happened 7 years ago.

My marriage survived an affair. The conversations that we had between the 2 of us were not productive to moving on, and we spent time in counseling. I think you are on solid moral ground to tell your husband that you will ONLY discuss your affair with a marriage counselor present, that you know you were wrong and made a huge mistake, but that you are not going to be verbally beat up over it. The reason he doesn't want to have these conversations with a counselor is that he knows he'll have to fight fair, own his own shit, and treat you like you have feelings.

For all those on the thread that think the OPer needs to disclose every gory detail, if you were the spouse who were cheated on, why would you refuse to have these conversations with a marriage counselor? Why would you refuse to go to counseling? It is easy to relate to the concerns of the cheated on spouse it is everyone's nightmare but look at what he is refusing to do.