I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

[yetmorecrap]

Well I think any BS likes some detail, but to me this is ridiculous levels, I think he wants out and is just justifying making you the bad guy at this point now

[whydoiletthishappen]

italian I think you could be right. Maybe H is more bothered about lack of a child than he will admit to anyone. It makes a lot more sense now.

I have to end our marriage. The relationship is not what i need to fulfil me. I'm just existing and so is he. But what for?Nothing by the look and sound of it.

[Italiangreyhound]

xxxxx

[Gildedcage]

I have read this thread but not commented.

However Cayote's comment against Math was personal and uncalled for.

I hope you feel justified in judging Math by her dhs actions.

Whatever way you want to look at it the OP has made several conflicting statements, those begin to sound like lies. I'm not surprised that the dh wants answers as he probably feels like he hasn't had the truth. It's your prerogative to say I'm not giving you the details, and of course he can't hold it over you. But consequently you are choosing for your relationship to be over. You made a mistake. Human beings do. It's how you deal with those mistakes that show personal integrity.

I don't think you're a bad person because you had an affair, and Math has certainly not been personal about you. However your posts do minimise and shift blame for your actions to your dh. It's interesting that the only one who has called you out on that is being attacked.

You don't want to have to go back to feeling guilty I get that. You should leave. But if your dh is as awful as you're now making him sound it is questionable why you would want to stay.

[RatRolyPoly]

Gilded the OP didn't attack anyone and she's not responsible for other posters. There haven't been any "lone voice" opinions on this thread - there have been many voices on ALL sides.

[jumbleblob]

Amen Realbiscuit! I totally agree.

[Gildedcage]

Agreed that it was not the OP who attacked Math.

It has been interesting to me however to see 'the script' being read so to speak and the numbers of posters who haven't called OP out on it.

I have nothing of value to offer the OP if she doesnt want to face her own actions and own the choices she has made for herself. I simply disliked the mean spirited post against Math.

Of course I wish OP well. Everyday is a fresh start and we are all entitled to grow and learn from our past actions.

[Gildedcage]

Agreed that it was not the OP who attacked Math.

It has been interesting to me however to see 'the script' being read so to speak and the numbers of posters who haven't called OP out on it.

I have nothing of value to offer the OP if she doesnt want to face her own actions and own the choices she has made for herself. I simply disliked the mean spirited post against Math.

Of course I wish OP well. Everyday is a fresh start and we are all entitled to grow and learn from our past actions.

[Italiangreyhound]

Gilden "But consequently you are choosing for your relationship to be over." That is patiently not true. The H has asked questions and OP has answered them. She has explained what he asked and what she said and that he did not believe her.

There seems to be some confusion over when the OP lied, I am not completely sure how much the OP is aware that these questions are being leveled because she is clearly talking about lying when she had the affair, which is probably very normal since no one would have an affair and reveal it unless they wanted to be found out.

But the OP has subsequently been asked when did she lie. I could be wrong but it seems to me she lied while having the affair and told the truth after the affair was over. The fact her H doesn't believe her is maybe understandable but if he cannot bring himself to believe her then it must be said that the failure of the marriage is down to both of them. Or it is her fault for the affair but he has waited years to say so.

"Math has certainly not been personal about you." This is also untrue. Math has made some unpleasant comments to the OP. Although as far as I am aware the OP has not said anything mean back - I think. I don't think Math meant to be mean, honestly, but it came across to me as kind of hounding the OP, believing what she said was a script (Math was not, as you now admit, alone in that).

[whydoiletthishappen]

Signing off as I don't want others being personal to each other.
You have all had honest opinions and thats the reason I posted in the first place.Thank you all.
Regards and kind wishes to all on here.

[mathanxiety]

It is very much true, Italian. The OP does not want to face the consequence of her choices.

She has flatly contradicted herself as to answering questions. I will come straight out and say I do not believe her account. She has not addressed the contradictions I have posted.

The phrase 'I know you told lies and I feel he wants to jnvestigate each time I said I was done here (somewhere) but wasn't' can be read either way, I'll grant that, but at this point 7 years on, it should be clear to the OP, if she is referring to the lies she told at the time she was having the affair, that the H has a very sharp memory. Or that the time of the affair is very fresh in his mind even at this point. I am not sure why she does not understand that it is all still preying his mind and is wondering if something out of the ordinary has happened, or if the H has bumped into the OM. If she is referring to lies ('white lies') she may have told in the intervening years that her H has discovered, she needs to understand the impact of these.

In this regard, keeping her phone on silent even now is a really poor choice for someone who had an affair. It doesn't matter what her preference is as far as beeping goes, or how she doesn't want to be a slave to her contact list. This is putting her own preference ahead of her H's very clear need for reassurance.

The fact that she keeps on making throwaway comments about her own behaviour such as the one about the phone makes me suspect the OP really is not aware of how she is coming across to him. It also makes me wonder if the H recently spoke to her about the phone on silent and while it is on her mind, she hasn't understood why it would be an issue.

The script is well recognised, Italian, whether you want to believe it or not. It was very obvious to me as I read the OP's very predictable comments, minimisation, justification, and evasions.

I think Tolstoy was wrong, or at the least, his statement requires a clarification - it's possible that as a writer he found dysfunction more dramatic to observe and write about than happiness, and dysfunctional people more interesting than those who are poster children for the seven habits of successful people.

[mathanxiety]

wishing you well, OP.

I hope you will be able to adopt - there are lots of children in need of love and a stable home. I have friends who adopted two siblings who were in care and while each week unearths a new chilling revelation about their former life, they are gradually building a family life for the four of them, taking each day as it comes.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP all the best.