For all those on the thread that think the OPer needs to disclose every gory detail, if you were the spouse who were cheated on, why would you refuse to have these conversations with a marriage counselor? Why would you refuse to go to counseling? It is easy to relate to the concerns of the cheated on spouse it is everyone's nightmare but look at what he is refusing to do
Because they think their spouse is manipulative and think s/he approached the former marriage counselor with the intention of impressing them? (By repeating how sorry s/he is, etc.)
Because they think the chance of being lied to or getting a toned down version in front of a marriage counselor is high? (The OP is squeamish after all.)
Because they suspect the 'he's not very affectionate'/'he didn't appreciate how much infertility affected me' narrative would be used to tilt the conversation into how important the emotional quotient of the affair was, which would actually be an accusation against the H for his lack of empathy or coldness? (Whereas the nuts and bolts of the sexual encounters are what have hurt the H more than anything, and they are the elements the OP least wants to talk about, because they tell her something about herself that she doesn't want to acknowledge.)
Conversely, you might want to go back again and try to squeeze out details if you had the gut feeling you were dealing with someone who was able to set aside their desire to 'put it all behind them on a no questions asked' basis, and do whatever it took, say whatever it took, reveal whatever it took to help the spouse they cheated on to trust them again, to always and everywhere demonstrate respect for the relationship and the spouse and his feelings, and above all to demonstrate patience. No need for sackcloth and ashes and bowing and scraping - just the understanding that "What's wrong?" is always going to have the same answer and is a question that should never be asked. There is no mystery here.
In this case, the previous marriage counseling was perhaps not productive for the H, for reasons to do with gut feelings and observations and suspicions. It would be interesting to know exactly what went on in the counseling that took place.
It seems to me that the OP is using the H's refusal to go to more as a weapon against him. "Look, I am going to counseling - what more evidence of contrition do you want?" OP, I think you are skirmishing with this counseling thing. It is a fobbing off tactic.
Once one or other or both parties take up position in a trench and start lobbing tit for tat grenades at each other, the marriage is over. I would like to know what lobbing has gone on over the 7 years of trench warfare here. I think you are the one in the trench here. You have spent 7 years thinking you could shut the door on it all. Now you have it in your head that at 7 years he is taking the piss by still being in bits. You think he is punishing you.
Putting it all behind you is an endeavour in which the cheated on spouse must give full co-operation. Why should he do that? You have to give him the equivalent of a deposit on the future relationship here. Instead you are expressing equivocations and minimising and seeing yourself as a victim:
Time related remarks:
More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total.
I ended a 5 week affair 7 years ago. I am generally trying to forget about the affair until it gets brought up in an argument.
He found out about affair 4 days after I ended it (which was 7 years ago).
It is important to you that it was 7 years ago. 'He has not got over it' slowly starts to sound like 'He has not got over himself yet'.
The fact that it was a 5-week affair seems important to you too. Do you think it was short enough to be inconsequential? There is an element of minimising in giving the 5-week detail.
Minimising remarks:
In such a short space of time we mainly got to text each other and meet in the early evening at a pub for one drink and then part company.
We did have sex several times.
There's not actually much to tell.
'I am the victim now' remarks:
The current situation feels like I'm being punished and that H is trying to get his revenge. He wants to know what time of the day we had sex, which room, how it started each time, was it at our house (which it was not). Did OM visit our house? Does OM know where we live?
I would find it embarrassing to go into graphic details about sexual stuff with anyone at all. I'm not a sexy person. I am cross that I was so stupid to get involved at all with OM. I am sorry and want to be forgiven.
(Forgiven for what? You want him to write you a blank cheque here.)
I would like H to open up to me. He'll say I know you told lies and I feel he wants to investigate each time I said I was somewhere but wasn't.
You did lie and it was a big one. That tends to make people suspicious.
If you have continued to lie - for instance about being places when you were not, and he has found out, then I have to ask, "What the heck are you playing at?"
And you won't tell him what he wants to know because you do not want to get out of your comfort zone and you do not really want to look at exactly what you have done here, but you are asking a lot of him while continuing to - I don't know.. tease is too mild a word, and taunt doesn't cover it either... 'carelessly risk reopening his wounds' might come close to what you do every single time you go somewhere and tell him you went somewhere else. It is indeed like a knife twisting.
This thing landed in his lap unbidden, and he has to deal with it the best way he can. He has to grieve the loss of what he thought he had and would have all his life, the loss of faith in the relationship, and the loss of his sense of himself as a man. He has to deal with all the unthinkable choices a cheated on spouse faces. None of it was on his radar until he started to become suspicious and had his suspicions confirmed.
That is what he is doing. He is not punishing you and you do not have the right to expect him to make linear progress, so much per year, adding up to a certain total for 7 years. The cheated on spouse can have wounds reopened by the smallest little things that can set them back to Zero no matter how much time has elapsed. I suspect you have done something in the last 6 months that has taken him all the way back to a state of rawness he was at many years ago.
I think this marriage is over. You do not understand what he is going through, and asking him 'What's wrong?' is like nails on the blackboard. Feeling annoyed that he can't or won't tell you indicates that you have quite a sense of entitlement. He does not see you as his friend, as someone he can lean on or trust with his feelings. You have not obliged with the details he needs and he is left with no sign that you have any empathy at all in this situation.
It sounds as if the whole experience has left him with a case of depression - doesn't go out with friends, eating and sleeping habits have become unsocial, isolated, complains about work (stress). I do not think he is trying to strike up another relationship. What I have seen here of his response indicates that he feels emasculated.
