I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

[MaisyPops]

I'm glad you have come to a decision where you can move on OP. It's got to he a better situation that allows you to be happy.

You've already given 7 years to flogging a dead horse hoping it will change.

I hope it works out for you.

[FritzDonovan]

Even though your affair was over seven years ago, you still refuse to come clean about it, so the fact that he's not over it and it comes back into conversation again is all on you.
His lack of empathy (as pp put it) did not cause you to have an affair. Again, that's on you. No-one forced you.
It's your responsibility to help him work through it however he needs to, as you caused his inability to trust you, and increased it by keeping things from him all this time. Stop blaming him for a totally understandable reaction, and start being a little less selfish. He deserved the whole truth from the start. Something has triggered his need for the truth again, and I see from your latest updates that you would rather leave than come completely clean.
If you felt that bad in the relationship seven years ago, that was the time to address it. It's a known thing that cheats tend to rewrite history to justify their actions, I do wonder if there is an element of this creeping in here.

[Onecutefox]

OP, you had an affair and he decided to stay with you instead of walking away. He cannot forgive you so it's best to go separate ways. You will be alright .

[mathanxiety]

I agree FritzDonovan. I would be very liberal with my pinch of salt here.

Seven years ago was the time to tell the H it was over.

[mathanxiety]

You don't just wake up one day and decide to find someone to have an affair with, then do it for 5 weeks, and then switch off.

You notice the OM and then focus attention on him, and then build up to the point where you have sex, drinks at the pub, whatever.

The H in this case noticed something was off for a while.

The time to address the problems that are being put forth now as 'context' was 7 years plus five weeks plus however long it took to build up to the point of the affair with the OM.

[Italiangreyhound]

KC11 "I've spoken to DH tonight and said enough is enough. Tomorrow I'll start organising my life. It's time to end the relationship. Its not working." I am really sorry that you say "I am miserable." BUT I do feel once you are free of him yuo will feel better and can move on with your life. Please make sure you get a totally fair divorce settlement and can leave all this pain behind.

SandyY2K "You don't owe your DH anything at this stage" "Howabout the truth?"

and Princesspinkgirl "Op you cheated at the end of the day your husband deserves answers"

Actually, I don't think we owe our partner the full all details, every little bit of info truth, no. Maybe he OP cannot remember, maybe she wants to forget. If he wants detailed sexual information I think that is a for of abuse if she doesn't want to say. He does not have to forgive her, or accept the marriage but she doesn't owe him every detail.

Math "You created it, but you want him to end it." What makes you think the OP created it, because she had an affair. I doubt she is responsible for all this! She had an affair years ago, he sounds like a toad. I wonder if the OP is staying out of guilt. She feels maybe she needs his forgiveness, I don't believe she does. He had his chance to really forgive, he hasn't.


KC11 "coyote I would consider adopting but i don't think DH would have gone down that route." OP I adopted a beautiful three year old boy who is adorable. You can adopt as a single person or a couple. I adopted in my late 40s (I also have a birth daughter). Pursue your dream of a family if this is right for you.

" I am almost too old to adopt a child under 5."

How old are you? There are no official upper ages, or so I believe, you may have been told there were but as far as I am aware there are not. I certainly adopted a child who is 45 years younger than me. I know that they sometimes say they do not recommend a more that 50 year age gap but I am not sure even that really applies, and if it does at 54 you could still adopt a pre-schooler, if you wished to, and were approved and matched.

"I know it would really hurt DH if I adopted alone" Why would it hurt a man who seems determined to hurt you, and is not interested in adoption ( you say) if you can offer as home to a child and find fulfillment as a mum. Please do not live your whole life based on one mistake you made years ago, you do not need to keep paying for this!

Coyote is right "You've been through hell. It doesn't mean that the rest of your life has to be a misery."

[SummerflowerXx]

KC11 I agree with what Italiangreyhound writes here. You are getting a lot of grief for something which happened at a difficult time and you have tried to resolve. It is really not appropriate to be asked to divulge sexual information you don't wish to, even by your husband. It's also not a stick to beat you with. I do think that seven years ago would have been the point to leave, but if I read the posts correctly, your husband wanted you to stay.

Make sure you get a fair settlement, because there is a potential you leave with less because you feel guilty. And don't rule out adoption - why should a child potentially lose out of having a loving mother because of things which happened in a marriage you will, by that point, have left. Give yourself time to get through this, get back on your feet, get counselling to work out what went on and what you want from your life. You only get one life.

[SandyY2K]

A wayward spouse who vsbt

[SandyY2K]

Hit send in error.
A cheating spouse unwilling to give their spouse the truth, is not a candidate for reconciliation.

Him wanting details isn't wrong and this nonsense of his lack of sympathy regarding infertility is a pathetic excuse.

[SummerflowerXx]

He had the details, seven years ago.

[Italiangreyhound]

What is the point of giving him details, Sandy? Seriously, what would be the benefit? I am sure he knows what we know, what does it matter if thetvhad sex on this or that day. It sounds a very un-sexual relationship. She said texts and hugs were of value. My guess is he doesn't believe it.

[IrritatedUser1960]

No you don't have to share that information, it doesn't help. Your husband is obssessing. I suggest addressing what caused you to have an affair in the first place and go to counselling but don't get sucked into giving a blow by blow account (no pun intended) it isn't healthy and it won't save the marriage.

[mathanxiety]

Amen to that, Sandy.

Italian, maybe you are unaware of the effect the discovery of infidelity has on a betrayed spouse? Maybe you have never been in the position of the spouse who has been betrayed?
Maybe you have never lain awake at night trying to remember what exactly the cheater said to you on separate occasions about what happened, and concluding that they are still lying?
Or trying to join the dots yourself, and coming up with many a grotesque picture?

KC11 asks for forgiveness without telling the H what he is forgiving her for. She asks that he not only forgive details that he does not know and thus a big picture that he cannot gauge, but he should also completely forget that any of it happened.

This is pure narcissism - asking to be judged for her intentions of the post-affair years now that she has come to her senses; not only that but taken at face value as a contrite person and actually liked and wanted again by the person she betrayed - and not judged for her actual behaviour and the effect it had. Dwelling on that is apparently a character flaw on the part of the person she betrayed.

She had choices other than indulging in the affair, Italian. She did indeed create this, and she continued to make poor choices in the intervening 7 years - occasionally lying to her H about her whereabouts, and refusing to answer his questions, apparently even about whether she and the OM were ever together in his own house.

I suggest you google the cheater's script. She is not the victim here.

[AccrualIntentions]

Him wanting details isn't wrong and this nonsense of his lack of sympathy regarding infertility is a pathetic excuse.

It isn't. Clearly she did something wrong having an affair, but frankly it reads like their marriage was over before the affair even happened, and the only reason she's still with such an unsupportive man now is that she's wracked with guilt. Because he's punishing her. Take the bitter scales away from your eyes and that's obvious.

OP hope you find a way forward that makes both of you happy, neither of you deserve your current situation

[mathanxiety]

What is the point of giving him details, Sandy? Seriously, what would be the benefit? I am sure he knows what we know, what does it matter if thetvhad sex on this or that day. It sounds a very un-sexual relationship. She said texts and hugs were of value. My guess is he doesn't believe it.

It is a gesture of good faith, a deposit into the relationship bank.

It would set his mind at rest if he felt that she was not holding back details from him. When you find out that someone has cheated on you, you look at that person and they are in many ways a complete stranger to you. They have done something unthinkable, something they promised never to do. The betrayed spouse has to start all over again with this stranger, weighing all the evidence of good faith and sincere contrition that he is provided with. Refusal to provide details is guaranteed to be a massive stumbling block to moving on because it reveals arrogance, bad faith, complete lack of empathy for the betrayed spouse, and refusal on the part of the cheater to face what she has done.

She can beat her breast and say, 'I did a despicable thing' until she is blue in the face, but it all looks like yet more self indulgence, making this a drama all about her, if she will not give the person she hurt what he asks for. When the betrayed spouse is asked to move on without being allowed to process the truth, insult is added to injury. What the refusal says is, 'My feelings are still far more important to me than yours are. You do not come first here. I reserve the right to behave selfishly and I expect you to let me.''

Of course it sounds like a very 'un-sexual relationship'. That is the way KC11 likes to hear it in her own head. Minimising what happened makes the cheater feel better about herself.

[SummerflowerXx]

Oh for goodness sake, my first marriage ended as my xH had an affair when DD was a baby. It makes not one bit of difference what went on between him and OW. What mattered really was what went wrong and what was wrong between us as a couple. If we could not sort that out (and we could not), that was the problem.

So yes, I have been the wronged spouse and it is obsessive and voyeuristic to want details. For a marriage to work in any circumstances, both parties need to work on it and own their shit. Sorry, but most grown adults know how sex works, they don't need to be told the gory details of how, when, where. It does not resolve anything.

[mathanxiety]

And here is perhaps the most important reason to tell the H the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - in doing so she is telling him the truth about his own life during those five weeks too, and however much time constituted the lead up to the main event, when he thought his life and their life together was something different altogether.

He deserves to know every single thing that happened in that period, because he thought he was leading one life but in fact he was leading another entirely. This is why betrayed spouses often feel so humiliated when they find out - it's because they feel they have been complete chumps and often for an extended period of time. They want to know exactly what went on, where it all happened, and who knew.

And of course in withholding the requested details she is continuing to keep a part of herself separate from him just as she did when she went behind his back in the first place. There is that little kernel of entitlement to go her own way in the refusal to give the details, and that tells the betrayed spouse that the cheater may do it again. The cheater's beliefs about herself are still firmly in place and ready to inform future behaviour. The betrayed spouse is correct to suspect that the cheater who refuses to answer the questions the spouse asks is making the choice that suits them best, just as they chose what suited them best when they made the choice to have the affair. There is no indication there of commitment to 'us'.

[mathanxiety]

Summerflower, I disagree, and I have also been cheated on.

If you have been told that it was the unhappiness of the relationship that caused it, you have been manipulated. An affair happens because the cheater reserves to him or herself the right to have an affair.

[SummerflowerXx]

I haven't been told anything, it is simply my view. We will have to agree to disagree.

[threadarick]

no judgment. Just a handhold from me OP. You deserve a happier life.

[certificateofauthenticity]

I think that you need to answer every question he asks you openly and honestly. Whether it be about the details of the act or the place you met. A lot of people need this complete honesty. It should be a condition of a relationship anyway. If you cannot be absolutely honest you will never regain trust. Google ' trickle truth'. Look at just about any infidelity advice website. No.1 on the list is total honestly from the start. If you cannot do this, it is over.
Reposting this link. www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

[Italiangreyhound]

Math "maybe you are unaware of the effect the discovery of infidelity has on a betrayed spouse?" I have not experienced it but I can imagine it is terrible.

I think I still can have an opinion on this matter even if I have not experienced it.

I am very sympathetic to anyone who has had this happen to them But the OP is the person who has had the affair and we are supposed to be supporting her, and I don't think encouraging her to go into lots of sexual details about something that happened 7 years ago is healthy. The whole relationship sounds very unhealthy and my personal advice is for the OP to do whatever is right for her.

I said initially something like tell him things if she wants to. But I can't see the point in her tearing herself apart over this when it seems like her husband doesn't really want to forgive her and move on.

If he can't forgive her after all these years I think she deserves to be happy.

"KC11 asks for forgiveness without telling the H what he is forgiving her for." I think she has been quite clear about what happened, they had a five week sexual affair. I am sure that is incredibly painful but I am not sure what information she could give him to make that better.

"It is a gesture of good faith, a deposit into the relationship bank." I disagree, I think he is twisting the knife - making her pay - forgive her, don't forgive her, its his choice. She doesn't need to tell him sexual details.

He is the victim of her cheating, it seems to me that she is the victim of his horrible behaviour. This is not necessarily true for all couples where affairs have happened. Every situation is different. Or at least, some situations are different.

For those who have experienced an affair I am sure this is all very painful to read but this is not about the reader it is about the OP.

You make a lot of assumptions, Math and project a lot of things onto this. That's totally your right to do. But I don't think that anyone who cheats should be forced to give a blow by blow of their sexual activities. I'd be quite surprised if people can remember it. And if they make a mistake and forget something does that give their spouse the right to say they held something back?

The OP can tell her husband all she wants, go into any details she wants, I think if she doesn't want to do that, I support her, and if her marriage is over, maybe this will be best for them both.

I am sorry for Math, SummerflowerXx and all who have been a spouse cheated on. I've never cheated on my dh. I think any kind of cheating is deeply hurful and wrong.

expect I would be devastated if my dh cheated on me. But i think SummerflowerXx has it right that the couple need to work out if they can move forward together or not. But we cannot force someone to be faithful.

If you are so sure Math that OP is keeping herself to herself in some way and it is sign of the fact she will cheat again then why has she not cheated so far again since this affair?

Maybe one size does not fit all.

Yes, details like 'who else knew' are significant, yes, I can see that a person would want to know. I can see how their view of the world may be turned upside down.

But sexual details, no, that's not something anyone should have to discuss and to ask for it seems like a method of control IMHO.

I fully recognize not everyone will agree but my only concern is the OP and not her husband as he is not positing for support.

certificateofauthenticity I think that letter is really horrible. I don't think anyone can just take that letter and apply it to a situation "It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you."

To use the letters own words... "But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so?"

How do we know the person writing the letter really loves his partner and is not demanding every little detail out of spite? And even if the writer is totally honest, it doesn't mean that letter can be applied to all.

[Italiangreyhound]

Math I honestly can see why a cheated on spouse would want to know sexual details. But I just don't think a person should have to 'relieve' those to their spouse in any detail. Especially after such a long time. The decision to forgive should not be based on knowing every last detail because in reality no one can. Maybe the OP can't even remember every last detail.

[Italiangreyhound]

Re-live

[worridmum]

for goodness sake if a bloke ahd posted this no one would be saying its none of the posters being so kind saying he must of been a toad for you to want to cheat on etc.

Man comes here i had to cheat because me wife has frozen me out for some reason so i needed attention so i started an affair that lasted 5 weeks then ended when she found out etc

Tbh the only mistake was him not LTB very very few releanstionships survive cheating because you can never ever truly trust the scumbag eer cheater again.

If you wanted to cheat you shoud of ended the releanstionship this mess is ALL on you and you should deal with it and if that means you come out of it not smelling of roses good, but what you should not do is allow people to think anyone but yourself is to blame for the failed marrage.

It is your fault you destoryed the foundation of it so you should be the one to end it and tell everyone why (because you were unfaithful) none of the bullshit cheaters scrpit of him not getting over it etc.