I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

Just a thought - if he's now started talking about affairs after all these years and is refusing to let you look at his phone (and going red with alarm) when you ask to see his, do you think HE has started an affair and is covering his tracks? (Albeit badly!)

Yes tell him the details. Only leave out explicit sexual information. Tell him all. You've no idea how scary it is to find your one life partner lied. You know that they've kept secrets. It throws the whole world on its head.

Believe me, you have no idea. Tell him. Be very honest. If you want to stay together try counseling and know that his trust comes back slowly, don't rush, be patient. Be open. No locking your phone for a while.

Tea. I thought the same. Classic deflection technique but then I think I might be a little marred by my experiences.

Hi Jeaux.

Great minds..

I don't know how people get past affairs. He's obviously besotted with you, to even consider it.

I think if your marriage is important to you, you need to do all it takes.

I don't think he's cheating. I think he hates that it's still in his mind. I don't know how I'd cope if roles were reversed. I have stayed because he said that was what he wanted. All this time later it seems to be back to being a major thing again. A few weeks back he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with be any more and that he wax thinking things over. Since that day he had not referred to that chat until I added him are you still thinking you want tk end our marriage and he said he didn't know. He has been ignoring me and sulking and staying up really late 1am 2am. Eating a dinner really late (after midnight) and going out to work really early in the morning.He does early starts that vary between 5-7am. He is choosing to sleep on sofa downstairs. When I try to talk I get frustrated and he tells me I'm raising my voice. I ask a question and he shrugs and says 'I don't know'.

Asked not added

I would find it embarrassing to go into graphic details about sexual stuff with anyone at all. I'm not a sexy person. I am cross that I was so stupid to get involved at all with OM. I am sorry and want to be forgiven. H has never been very affectionate. The last 6 mths he has been even less affectionate. I rack my brains trying workl out what changed. I asked him if he has met someone and he said no.

Oh so he found out years ago? So what's happened recently?

You don't sound very committed, you say you stayed for him?

If you want him, for your sake, tell him really clearly. Work out the problems.

Sorry KC but I think he is using the affair as an excuse. It's been a long time. Is he also glued to his phone? I think he's fucking with your head, rejecting you for other reasons he isn't disclosing.

Hey Tea hope you are doing ok xxx

Infidelity never leaves you. It taints a marriage and leaves an indelible stain.

Whether 2, 5 or 10 years later.....it's never forgotten.

I don't get the impression you're all in TBH. You said you didn't leave because he wanted to work on it. What about you?

Your actions come over like you want it swept away and never to be spoken of again....it doesn't work like that.

The longer you keep things from him about the affair, the more he'll pull away and emotionally detach from you.

You're putting your feelings above his right now, because you feel embarrassed about what you did.

How do you think he felt and feels? Possibly embarrassed that his wife cheated and emasculated by it too.

While you put your feelings above his need to know, you won't make genuine progress in reconciliation.

Ultimately this withholding of information is what will lead to the end of your marriage.

Perhaps that's not an issue for you. If that's the case then carry on as you are.

I have a suspicion that you won't tell him, because it's sexual stuff you've never done with him or refused to do with him. I might be wrong...but I've seen this reluctance to tell all quite often for this very reason.

I wouldn't tell him anything but separate as it's getting only worse.

He's frozen me out of things totally. If I ask what's wrong he'll say nothing. He complains shout his work a lot. He seems glued to his phone and eBay and Facebook. I have brought this up many many times over the last few years. I love him and want my life to be with him if we can work out our problems.

He hardly goes out with his friends. I would derived if his male friends have seen the changes in him.

Sorry for typos. I'm tired and need sleep.

I really want my H to want me.

You can't control that; only he can.

When you say that you're pleased with how he reacted, do you mean your H or OM?

How much of this was to get him to fight for you?

I would like H to open up to me. He'll say I know you told lies and I feel he wants to jnvestigate each time I said I was done here but wasn't. Can that be healthy for us to progress forward? At the moment i am getting silent treatment. Nearly 3 weeks worth. It's getting me down and I feel it's unfair. Should I move out? My mum would have a bed for me for a while.

Typo: Not 'done here' but 'somewhere'

You really don't get it OP. He wants the truth and you won't be able to get back whatever you had, until you are truthful.

7 years and you're still withholding information from him. Much of the damage has been done already.

Many betrayed spouses will tell you it wasn't the affair that killed the marriage....but the secrecy, trickle truth and refusal to answer questions. Anything he discovers without you telling him feels like the knife twisting again.

I think you need to ask yourselves if this relationship is making either of you happy at the moment. It seems pretty clear not, and with no children involved I just can't see the point of prolonging the agony. You sound young enough to start again with someone who makes you happy

He'll say I know you told lies

But you did though

I disagree with MOST of the posters on this thread. Her DH has known about this for over 7 years, and they've been in counseling about it together. They were able to move past it for awhile, but now he has brought it up again. He is refusing to go to counseling. He just wants to stay stuck.

KC11 - how did you guys get through him not understanding how you felt about not being able to have children? Did he ever come to have empathy and compassion for how you feel about that?

His lack of empathy was at the root of the problem that led to the affair, and it sounds like it is still a massive problem. He doesn't care how you feel. At any point in your relationship, has he shown that he understand and cared about what you were feeling?

Sorry to sidetrack.
Tatiana, My husband had sex with OW sometime before Christmas and he told me on the same day it happened. I've accepted it as my own fault

It's not your fault.
They did it, him and the OW.
You didn't make them do anything.
It is not your fault.

OP whatever you did was 7 years ago, I wouldn't be able to remember any details after that length of time.
If your H has had this festering in his mind for 7 years and is contacting OM nowadays, surely that's harassment? It's beyond ordinary behaviour and he needs some outside support to deal with it.

I have no idea if your marriage can be saved at this point, but please be careful as your H seems to be (to me at least) behaving very irrationally.

It's unfair of him to keep coming back around and punishing you when you'd both decided to move on years ago. Where do you draw the line? We're going on holiday where I want because you had an affair. You can't be mad at me for going out til 4 am getting smashed and throwing up on the carpet because you had an affair. How long is he going to hold it over your head?

He's either willing to forgive you and move on with you and look to the future, or he isn't. But what he's doing now won't do either of you any good.

Great posts from CoyoteCafe I totally agree. And blankface too.

Do you want to be with him? What was going on that made life difficult with him at the time of the affair, aside from the fertility issues. (I have had fertility issues so I know how these can take over life.)

"H seemed not be be bothered about my infertility." That seems a very odd way of phrasing it, does he have children from a previous relationship, or was he simply not worried about having kids at all. That sounds like an issue in itself.

Just out of interest did you and dh have fertility treatment or consider adoption, etc.

"He wants to know what time of the day we had sex, which room, how it started each time, was it at our house (which it was not). did OM visit our house? does OM know where we live?"

He does sound very 'vindictive' in a way. I wonder if you could even remember all those details!

If there was very little sex, maybe him knowing that will help him, especially if the things you liked most were hugs and texts! He may not believe you but if it is true you can at least tell the truth.

"I really want my H to want me." Why? He sounds pretty horrible, cold, unpleasant, uncommunicative. Will him wanting you make you feel forgiven? You don't need his forgiveness. And, sadly only he can choose if that is the case.

I agree with RatRolyPoly "I wouldn't answer any questions that you feel degrade you, and the very sexual ones do sound that way. What's done is done and you have to move on from it, but you can't drag him with you if he won't come."

You can decide what you think, OP that your dh needs to know. If he needs to know more that you cannot remember or choose not to reveal, then I think he should accept this and move on.

For the record whether the person having the affair was male or female, this would be my position. Say as much details as you wish to say/an remember, and then your partner has a choice to forgive and move on, or not. But 7 years is a long time to have this hanging over you. If your dh is not happy, he can move on, and so can you.

Tatiana "I've accepted it as my own fault and we're still together." It's great if you can forgive him and move on but I cannot see how it can be your fault he had sex with someone else.

TheNaze "He's obviously besotted with you, to even consider it." That's a nice idea but I am not sure it is true. He certanly is not acting like someone besotted, IMHO.

SandyY2K "I have a suspicion that you won't tell him, because it's sexual stuff you've never done with him or refused to do with him."

If that were the case (and I personally doubt it from what the OP has said) then telling him would be quite unhelpful. It would make him feel he was missing out and if the OP had not done those things with her DH after so many years why would she feel the need to start now, as a sort of penance for having a five week affair many years ago. I would guess that would be awful for the OP and would drive a massive wedge between them.

OP I would personally get some counselling for yourself. I think your husband sounds really unpleasant and hard to live with. In your shoes I'd give him a choice, get over the affair and start treating me like a normal person or let's just divorce and get it over with. It feels to me like he is using the affair as a stick to beat you with. Life is too short.

Lots of projection on here about what the OP may or may not have done. OP I think you need to start thinking of yourself. Please only stay if you want to. You do not owe him anything.