I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

[Huskylover1]

I would bet my last pound, that he IS having an affair. Everything points to it. Sleeping apart. Thinking about your affair. Being glued to his phone. Saying he may wish to separate. Going out earlier than he needs to. Staying up really late. He will be thinking that is affair is justified, as you broke the relationship anyway. This was myself. Only difference is that it took me 4 years, and it's taken him 7. You need to get in to his devices, to confirm. There will be proof on his phone, ime. And if he is, well, you're gonna have to suck it up, I'm afraid. Sorry, sounds harsh, but he forgave you, so you'd have to try to forgive him.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

you don't get to play the victim for ever if you've chosen to forgive and move forward. Yes, the affair is wrong, but once the betrayed party has decided to take the affair partner back they have to either move forward in the relationship, and if they can't do that, then they need to move on. You don't get to beat someone with the "you had an affair" stick as some kind of condition of taking them back. That in itself is abusive behaviour.

OP, you've already said that you regret the affair. What's done is done. But now it sounds as if you don't have a marriage anyway. You don't owe your DH anything at this stage, and he certainly doesn't have the right to treat you the way he is. And the reality is that even if you were to tell him more details, what then? Likely that won't be enough for him and then it'll be something else he wants.

The affair is behind you. You now have to walk away for the sake of yourself.

[CoyoteCafe]

You have my sympathy, for what its worth. I do think that people (of both genders) stay in marriages that clearly don't work for them because they don't want to be the "bad guy" and end it.

I think that a lot of times by the time a marriage actually ends, it's pretty much impossible for any one on the outside to know why it ended. Assigning blame and designating a victim is pointless in many (most?) cases.

One thing you haven't talked about on this thread is adoption. There's no shortage of children in this world who need someone to love them and care for them. My friend who went through hell with infertility now has a child with a different husband, and she is happy and settled. Her ex, who refused to consider adoption, is newly married with a fancy sports car. He was unwilling to consider raising a child that wasn't "his." She wanted the experience of being mother.

Before they managed to end their marriage, they both cheated on each other. Neither of them are evil, and at one point they deeply loved each other. She is the one who left, and yes, he acted like a victim. None the less, she is a lot happier with her life now. He is one of my DH's best friends, and even his friends see through the victim stuff.

[SandyY2K]

You don't owe your DH anything at this stage

Howabout the truth?

[spangleknickers]

Bloody hell! Loads of people giving OP a really hard time for something that she has done years ago following a very difficult time in her life, trying to come to terms with infertility, whilst her husband was unsupportive. He forgave her, now he has changed his mind. His previous behaviour sounds awful, TBH. Asking you not to cry; telling you that you were only doing it to seek sympathy. WTF? Sorry OP, you have my complete sympathy. I would also minimise any sexual details and ask him why he needs to know - suddenly - now after all this time

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

He has the truth. The truth was admitting the affair and being sorry for it. Everything else is gory detail that will serve no purpose for anyone's feelings. It's not going to make the DH feel any better is it.

My hunch is also that he's seeing someone else and that the 7 year old infidelity is back on the agenda now because of this.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

No after seven years this achieves nothing other than to make the DH feel as if he has the upper hand over the OP.

The affair was seven years ago if he still hasn't managed to move forward in his marriage to the OP despite telling her he'd forgiven her then he needs to move on with his own life. OP owes him nothing at this stage.

Having been the victim of an affair once does not give the DH the right to start demanding details for the rest of their lives. It seems blatantly obvious anyway that the DH has checked out of the marriage,in which case the OP should take steps to move on with her own life as well.

This attitude to affairs on MN, that anyone who has ever cheated should be treated like some kind of outcast for ever more, even more than a murderer would is incredibly unhealthy and says a lot more about the people making the demands than it does about the person who had the affair.

[Joysmum]

People feel how they feel. If he's cut himself off from the OP and holding back a large piece of himself to protect himself and won't take the risk of moving on then the marriage is dead.

The marriage as it is isn't good enough. Both have to want to address and change what's wrong. If only one or neither of them do, best to end things.

Sounds to me like neither is willing to be the one that asks the other if they want to work to save the marriage for fear they'll have to be the person that makes the decision to end it.

[KC11]

coyote I would consider adopting but i don't think DH would have gone down that route.

Our relationship is not strong at the moment.

There's no way on earth I would think that our marriage would be suitable to adopt a child or children.

Adopted children by their very nature had a rough start to their life. They don't need to be placed with a couple with issues.

I would like to think that in the future i could adopt on my own.

I actually think I could do that. But I would much rather repair my marriage.

Infertility is cruel. It cannot be explained. Stress plays a huge part. Medical stuff is emotional and then there's all the meds they put the woman on. I can't have biological children I am now too old. I am almost too old to adopt a child under 5. I went to a meeting 2 years ago which DH came to as well. I don't think he seriously wanted to adopt even then. It was just an open evening chat thing. No application or anything serious. Just a come a see what adoption is and which department would deal with any further enquiries type thing. That was 2 years ago now. If we separate I assume the authorities would need me to stabilise my life and be legally separated or divorced for a period of time before i could make an initial application. I know it would really hurt DH if I adopted alone. We throws it in my face that I could have kept DH in place all along just to use him to adopt. That's not true. I may never have the courage to apply to adopt. for now I just would like an adult in my life who likes me enough to want to spend time with me.

My marriage is over

[CoyoteCafe]

I agree that your marriage is not strong enough to adopt - I think your marriage may be over except that the two of you haven't admitted it to each other.

However, women do adopt alone, or with someone else. While adopting a baby may be off the table, your chance to be a mother isn't.

To me, it seems like your choice is staying with a man who has never cared how you feel, or leaving and making a new life for yourself that you love. A life that includes someone special who likes to spend time with you, and other people who bring you joy.

You've been through hell. It doesn't mean that the rest of your life has to be a misery.

[Xmaspost]

When in doubt, just tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Be fully open and honest with him.

That may not work out great, but it seems like you'll both have problems going forward anyway. Perhaps it's a chance to get everything out in the open and decide, how/if to move forward.

[Lucie8881]

I agree with Coyote and Enrique

Your husband is asking for the details seven years later, I don't know how this would help him him repair the marriage at this point. It would only serve to make him feel worse and punish you.

As much as you were wrong in having an affair, it doesn't absolve the other partner of all responsibility for their behaviour in the relationship, and certainly not a free pass to behave however they like for the rest of time. You both decided to work through it at the time, it's hard work and takes effort on both sides. If seven years later it's suddenly become an issue again it's reasonable to question why.

You don't deserve endless punishment and a loveless marriage, you're miserable and sounds as if your husband is too. It sounds like you may have to take the initiative on this one accept the marriage may be beyond repair and call it a day. No victims or winners, it's just run its course. Life's too short for this.

[Princesspinkgirl]

Op you cheated at the end of the day your husband deserves answers

[SummerflowerXx]

He told you that you were only crying for attention? I don't know, if I had time, I think I would go through this thread and ask yourself whether this is the person you want to be with. I am not getting into the rights and wrongs of the affair, it was seven years ago. Look at the situation now - you cannot fix it yourself. You have given it seven years since the affair to fix things. It is not working.

It matters not one bit whether he gets to play the victim card. It matters that you get to live the life you want. I suspect your marriage is over, but you know the reasons are far more complex than you had an affair. It's not a blame game. You have had seven years to sort it out and it's not going to be sorted by giving him gory details. Retain some dignity and let him retain some too.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

"Op you cheated at the end of the day your husband deserves answers" not seven years llater he doesn't. That ship has sailed.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

@KC11 I think you'll be able to figure out the best course forward, so good luck and I hope you find happiness

[mathanxiety]

I feel like he wants me to end our marriage and that he wants to feel hard done by and the victim of the piece.
I stole this quote from another thread: He wants the wife (me) to 'swing the axe' i.e if I end it then he's blameless and can enjoy the sympathy vote.
If he's done with me and the marriage I need him to say it

You despise this man, and you want to come out with all the sympathy. Please stop playing this game of chicken and work on establishing some dignity.

This is a toxic situation for both of you. You created it, but you want him to end it.

You appear to be trying to come out on top, with your talk of the sympathy vote. You want him to serve papers on you, you talk of him refusing to go to counseling, you want to be the one who comes away with the medal for 'making a 5-week mistake' and bending over backwards - for 7 years, as you keep on repeating - to make amends but being rebuffed by someone who for reasons that are baffling to you would not oblige.

You are very invested in painting a picture of this man as a human iceberg, and your lack of insight into the process you set in motion when he discovered your betrayal speaks volumes.

You do not want any of what you did to stick to you.

You do not have the right to make him take the decision to divorce. Own this.

Lots of people face infertility. Lots of people make better decisions than you did. YYY to the 'cheater's script'.

[cudeatahorse]

I think you should give him details.
The imagination will provide far more seedy scenarios than anything you can ever tell him.

[MaisyPops]

I'll be perfectly honest, I think thr marriage has done its time and there's nothing much to salvage.

You're both digging your heels in because you both want the last word/sympathy card.


He shouldn't have been so dismissive of your feelings oj infertility.

You shouldn't have cheated.

When he said he was willing to work on things, he should have actually put the work in.

You owe him some answers to questions, but not others especially 7 years on.

He needs to stop using the affair as currency in arguments.

You should just end it. He won't because he'll happily not work on things for another 7 years and use it to justify his own shitty behaviour.

One or both of you will cheat because you are in a miserable relationship that you'rr only holding onto for pride.

What are either of you getting from this?

[cudeatahorse]

I think he's having an affair and you're marriage is dead in the water.
All the signs point to it.

Also, an affair can seem like years ago to a Cheater, but only yesterday to the Cheated Upon.

When you've been hurt by a Cheat, the hurt can rebound on you again and again, year after year.
It's similar to grief.
Some years are are okay, some years are bad.
There's no time limit.

People who cheat and have affairs would do well to remember this.

[cudeatahorse]

your

[RatRolyPoly]

There are worse ways to hurt someone, and worse betrayals than cheating. I think it's pretty low, abandoning someone to grieve their infertility in isolation whilst undermining their right to even express their pain and frustration, twisting it into something selfish and ugly, something to feel guilty for - for making you feel bad with their "manipulative" tears and suffering over the lack of the family they imagined.

The cheaters' script, much loved by MN, has its uses. But it lacks the complexity, the nuance or any semblance of compassion to apply to any or all situations involving infidelity. Life isn't black and white, not even when there has been an affair.

I think in this case the affair may be the focal point, but I don't think it's the heart of the issues in your relationship OP. It's being used as a proxy for any and all your problems that your partner - perhaps both of you - can't face up to. Perhaps the thing you're both afraid to look in the eye is that it would hurt more now to work things out than it would to walk away?

[KC11]

I've spoken to DH tonight and said enough is enough.

Tomorrow I'll start organising my life.

It's time to end the relationship. Its not working.

I am miserable.

[CoyoteCafe]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I believe that you'll end up much happier than you've been for a long, long time.

Peace

[cudeatahorse]

Yes.
You're better off apart.
It sounds as if the hurt you caused him will never heal.
That's the trouble with affairs. The person who has cheated wants to brush it all und3er the carpet.
''It happened X amount years ago. Lets move on''
But for the person who has been betrayed, sometimes the wound never heals. .
Nobody is at fault.

This is a simple case of:

You cheated.
He never forgave you and never forgot.
The marriage did not survive the affair.

The best thing you can do is separate.