I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

[Italiangreyhound]

OP all the best.

[mathanxiety]

wishing you well, OP.

I hope you will be able to adopt - there are lots of children in need of love and a stable home. I have friends who adopted two siblings who were in care and while each week unearths a new chilling revelation about their former life, they are gradually building a family life for the four of them, taking each day as it comes.

[mathanxiety]

It is very much true, Italian. The OP does not want to face the consequence of her choices.

She has flatly contradicted herself as to answering questions. I will come straight out and say I do not believe her account. She has not addressed the contradictions I have posted.

The phrase 'I know you told lies and I feel he wants to jnvestigate each time I said I was done here (somewhere) but wasn't' can be read either way, I'll grant that, but at this point 7 years on, it should be clear to the OP, if she is referring to the lies she told at the time she was having the affair, that the H has a very sharp memory. Or that the time of the affair is very fresh in his mind even at this point. I am not sure why she does not understand that it is all still preying his mind and is wondering if something out of the ordinary has happened, or if the H has bumped into the OM. If she is referring to lies ('white lies') she may have told in the intervening years that her H has discovered, she needs to understand the impact of these.

In this regard, keeping her phone on silent even now is a really poor choice for someone who had an affair. It doesn't matter what her preference is as far as beeping goes, or how she doesn't want to be a slave to her contact list. This is putting her own preference ahead of her H's very clear need for reassurance.

The fact that she keeps on making throwaway comments about her own behaviour such as the one about the phone makes me suspect the OP really is not aware of how she is coming across to him. It also makes me wonder if the H recently spoke to her about the phone on silent and while it is on her mind, she hasn't understood why it would be an issue.

The script is well recognised, Italian, whether you want to believe it or not. It was very obvious to me as I read the OP's very predictable comments, minimisation, justification, and evasions.

I think Tolstoy was wrong, or at the least, his statement requires a clarification - it's possible that as a writer he found dysfunction more dramatic to observe and write about than happiness, and dysfunctional people more interesting than those who are poster children for the seven habits of successful people.

[whydoiletthishappen]

Signing off as I don't want others being personal to each other.
You have all had honest opinions and thats the reason I posted in the first place.Thank you all.
Regards and kind wishes to all on here.

[Italiangreyhound]

Gilden "But consequently you are choosing for your relationship to be over." That is patiently not true. The H has asked questions and OP has answered them. She has explained what he asked and what she said and that he did not believe her.

There seems to be some confusion over when the OP lied, I am not completely sure how much the OP is aware that these questions are being leveled because she is clearly talking about lying when she had the affair, which is probably very normal since no one would have an affair and reveal it unless they wanted to be found out.

But the OP has subsequently been asked when did she lie. I could be wrong but it seems to me she lied while having the affair and told the truth after the affair was over. The fact her H doesn't believe her is maybe understandable but if he cannot bring himself to believe her then it must be said that the failure of the marriage is down to both of them. Or it is her fault for the affair but he has waited years to say so.

"Math has certainly not been personal about you." This is also untrue. Math has made some unpleasant comments to the OP. Although as far as I am aware the OP has not said anything mean back - I think. I don't think Math meant to be mean, honestly, but it came across to me as kind of hounding the OP, believing what she said was a script (Math was not, as you now admit, alone in that).

[Gildedcage]

Agreed that it was not the OP who attacked Math.

It has been interesting to me however to see 'the script' being read so to speak and the numbers of posters who haven't called OP out on it.

I have nothing of value to offer the OP if she doesnt want to face her own actions and own the choices she has made for herself. I simply disliked the mean spirited post against Math.

Of course I wish OP well. Everyday is a fresh start and we are all entitled to grow and learn from our past actions.

[Gildedcage]

Agreed that it was not the OP who attacked Math.

It has been interesting to me however to see 'the script' being read so to speak and the numbers of posters who haven't called OP out on it.

I have nothing of value to offer the OP if she doesnt want to face her own actions and own the choices she has made for herself. I simply disliked the mean spirited post against Math.

Of course I wish OP well. Everyday is a fresh start and we are all entitled to grow and learn from our past actions.

[jumbleblob]

Amen Realbiscuit! I totally agree.

[RatRolyPoly]

Gilded the OP didn't attack anyone and she's not responsible for other posters. There haven't been any "lone voice" opinions on this thread - there have been many voices on ALL sides.

[Gildedcage]

I have read this thread but not commented.

However Cayote's comment against Math was personal and uncalled for.

I hope you feel justified in judging Math by her dhs actions.

Whatever way you want to look at it the OP has made several conflicting statements, those begin to sound like lies. I'm not surprised that the dh wants answers as he probably feels like he hasn't had the truth. It's your prerogative to say I'm not giving you the details, and of course he can't hold it over you. But consequently you are choosing for your relationship to be over. You made a mistake. Human beings do. It's how you deal with those mistakes that show personal integrity.

I don't think you're a bad person because you had an affair, and Math has certainly not been personal about you. However your posts do minimise and shift blame for your actions to your dh. It's interesting that the only one who has called you out on that is being attacked.

You don't want to have to go back to feeling guilty I get that. You should leave. But if your dh is as awful as you're now making him sound it is questionable why you would want to stay.

[Italiangreyhound]

xxxxx

[whydoiletthishappen]

italian I think you could be right. Maybe H is more bothered about lack of a child than he will admit to anyone. It makes a lot more sense now.

I have to end our marriage. The relationship is not what i need to fulfil me. I'm just existing and so is he. But what for?Nothing by the look and sound of it.

[yetmorecrap]

Well I think any BS likes some detail, but to me this is ridiculous levels, I think he wants out and is just justifying making you the bad guy at this point now

[Italiangreyhound]

OP (I think you have had three names so I am just going to stick to OP!) One tiny thought came into my head when I read his tutting about a seaside location you visited with OM and his child. I did wonder if on a deep level your H is upset that this other man has a child (who you could have shared with him if you had chosen him, presumably) and you and your H cannot have children together (except by adoption, which he is not keen to pursue). Maybe on some level your H is more upset about the lack of a child together than he lets on.

OK, quite aside from whatever is motivating him to send his constant barrage of questions, which you have already answered, at you... why are you staying?

It looks to me like you have a number of choices, stay and live with his miserable teenager of a man, who seems determined to make your life a misery because of a mistake you make some time ago; or force the issue of counselling -unless we go to counselling this marriage will end; or end the marriage.

Please get legal advice. Whether you or he is the one to move out, your home is (if owned) presumably in both your names (?) and would be marital 'asserts' and a solicitor could advise on how this can be divided.

Are you afraid to go it alone? If so, I do not blame you at all. But I think at any moment your husband could choose to end the marriage and you could be faced with finding somewhere to live, starting afresh. Yes, 43 (I think you said) is not young but what if you hang on until you are 53, 63, living with a man who cannot come to terms with your 'betrayal' of him, who cannot seem to do anything around the house, and who seems to dislike you.

It's totally your life but can you honestly explain why you stayed for so long? I wonder if it would help you to write up the pros and cons of staying or going and also work out exactly why you have stayed.

All the very best.

[CoyoteCafe]

Also, it would be easy for him to be involved with some else with his work schedule and lack of transparency about his schedule. His behavior and questioning of you are consistent with him lying to you, and constantly being on devices can be a way of communicating with someone else,

Does he get a different deal financially depending on who actually ends it?

[CoyoteCafe]

what does he have that is so much better?

Your soon to be ex really doesn't understand that basic human kindness goes a long way in a marriage, does he.

Feel free to ignore math anxiety. She marrried a homosexual but believes that cheating was the problem in her marriage. When what a man wants is another penis to play with, inconsistencies in his stories are the least of the problem.

[whydoiletthishappen]

I don't have any more information.

H is giving me silent treatment.I think it is because I am not answering the repeated questions again and again.

I ask H if he wants to split up he says he doesn't know. I ask every week or so, he says he doesn't know. He is working his shifts and coming home mostly before I get home so He could have been there since 3pm or 5 mins before I get home at approx 6.15pm.He does not 'do anything' when he is at home other than mobile phone/tablet/tv/laptop computer. There is no sign of him having made any food for himself, unless eating biscuits/crisps/choc bar, no housework done, nothing moved in any room, nothing out of place in the kitchen at all e.g. dirty plates/pans etc from night before still in the same place. Pets food bowl sometimes empty. Kitchen bin still full, 3 remote controls on settee next to him.I know shift working is tiring, I agree it is. I would not want to work shifts. I work regular 9-5 in an office. H does not suggest helping me with housework or shopping at supermarket. If I ask he will reluctantly go and literally buy the 3 or 4 things I ask for. H cannot plan a food/meal unless it comes ready made and goes in microwave. H was mollycoddled by DMIL. H did not live on his own. When I get home from work I get greeted by a sound of yawning and stretching and rubbing eyes and him laid on settee with remote controls and him wearing work uniform. DMIL thinks sun shines out of his bum.

[whydoiletthishappen]

H works shifts that vary over approx 16 week period. The schedule is emailed to each member of staff periodically but lots of staff swap shifts and do each others shifts in return for a different start or finish time. Hence I do not know his start/finish times because a. H does not show me the email b. i ask to see the email and get told It all changes all the time so there is no point me emailing it to you because it will change at short notice c. you might not know if there is a change to the rota shift because of x reason so i will just tell you I am on early shifts.This means he might start work at 5am/5.30am/6.00am/6.30am/7.00am/7.30am/8.30am/9am/9.30am/10am/10.30am etc Shifts are of varying durations as well. Some are 6 hrs, some are longer up to a max of 8 hrs.H and friends at work have favours which they then return as and when they can.A day off can be swapped at short notice as long a manger approves the change of shifts. When H works a shift that starts at 5am he gets up at 3.30am.When H works a shift at 10am he gets up at 8am. I am generalising but you get the idea. If he is off shift he could get up at 7am or could get up after I leave to go to work. We do not have kids. Our routine is pretty haphazard.

[whydoiletthishappen]

math What I mean was I came home from work late but was actually sitting in my car talking to him and chatting about our respective days.And if i said I was at the gym exercising for 1 hour between 6 and 7 pm I wasn't I was meeting OM at a pub for a quick wine/beer and then rushing home to my house.I could easily stretch my working day to say 6.30pm because I have the type of job that has busier times at the month end. But really I was meeting OM in a street to talk and cuddle and spend 30 mins with him because he would smile at me and listen to me and it was all a far cry from my home life. I was smitten with OM's attention. Once I saw it was all non-reality and that a real life with OM would be nothing like the 30 mins here and there that we managed to snatch I finished the affair. OM did try to get me to meet him after I'd finished it but I did not reply.

OM and I could only text each other or phone each other so I used keep my phone on silent at home so H would not hear the beep.I don't like hearing mobile phones beep.I want to choose when to look at my mobile rather than being a slave to it e.g. every text/emails/Facebook notification and Ebay update etc. On a weekend day I don't switch my phone on until I want to. It gives me peace and quiet and there is a landline at home which my family phone at weekends and evenings.

H knows he upsets me by asking again about the OM e.g. 'Did he pay for your drinks or were you paying for them because he's got no money?' 'Did he buy you any gifts?' 'Did he buy you a birthday present/card?' 'Did he suggest kinky sex?' 'Did I ask him to send me me rude photos?' 'Did I send him any rude/semi-dressed photos? 'What does he have that was so much better?' 'Have you seen OM in our town?' 'Have you memorised his phone number?' 'Do you know where his lives now that he left the flat he was living'at/renting?' @Did you

[mathanxiety]

I think it is time to leave too.

But could you elaborate on your remark earlier on your H finding out you were in one place when you said you were in another?

Also, what did you mean by this statement from your OP a few days ago:
I will have to tell him what he wants to know so he doesn't wonder any more.

It contradicts what you have posted just now - In case anyone needs to know the questions were answered 7 years ago when DH asked me.

From the OP:
The H wanted Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details

Were you ok going into details back when you told him the answers to all his questions?

OP, there are many contradictions here.
I can see where your H is coming from.

[Italiangreyhound]

Septemberhasbeenmiserable hope your new life will be so much better. Make sure you get your share of the marital property.

[RatRolyPoly]

for you OP

[CoyoteCafe]

I think it's awesome that you are looking for a flat at a location that means you will have family and work nearby. What about friends? Do you have some friends that you could spend more time with? Have fun with?

I suspect that you'll have to do all the legal work to end your marriage. Please go for a good settlement. You gave your all for the cause, but it wasn't enough for him. He didn't show up for the marriage.

I wish you well. Hopefully, October will be a happier month.

[Septemberhasbeenmiserable]

name changed by the way

[Septemberhasbeenmiserable]

In case anyone needs to know the questions were answered 7 years ago when DH asked me. He does not believe me which leads me to think OM has been antagonizing DH just for kicks. this is why I think they must have had recent contact.

For what its worth I and OM have not had contacted for over 6 years. I saw him walking along (from a distance whilst I was driving and in a different car to the one he knew me with). I had sunglasses on and he would not have seen me. I had no contact and will continuwe to have no contact.

DH said a couple of months back if you see him out in the town or somewhere you must not speak to him at all, not one word. I said I know and that I would not speak to him if i ever see him. I would totally look away. DH doesn't believe me.

I wanted to do a certain sports activity in a localish place, but DH does not want o because he says i went there with OM. I didn't but DH doesn't believe it. With the OM (2007) we went to a certain location near coast for a few hours with his child, where no one would see us. DH now huffs and puffs if the place is mentioned on a TV programme. I get that he does not want to visit that place which DH and I had never been to but don't taint a whole location because I walk along the road in said place for 3 hours on a cold day.

Also, DH wants to know did I give him b*job? Did I have sex in the shower with OM? Answers: no and no. DH does not believe me.

It is time for me to leave DH. He does not want me or like me. He just can't let go.

I am looking into renting a flat a mile or two ago from my house. I need and want to be near my family and work.