I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

I have been on receiving end of an emotional infatuation that went on in secret for a long time and found evidence 11 years after it happened, all I can say OP is that time is irrelevant. The big thing is that I have found it very hard (and I am 9 months down the line now) to be able to 'feel' even 80% the same about DH , it's like you realise you have been living with someone who so isn't what you thought and chersished. To quote the lovely Carole King, 'something inside has died and I've tried but I just can't fake it' I suspect your OP feels like this too and he keeps raking it up because in his head if he is being honest he knows he won't just get over it but something inside makes it hard just to call it a day . I think it's particularly hard when you have had a very 'close' relationship or what you believed to be. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there understands too how it can bugger your memories . In my case it wasn't ever confessed or the subject opened up and yet I too feel I am expected just to accept how sorry he is and get over it . Sorry is so much easier after all than having to drag up old emotions.

I had no idea the "cheaters script" included struggling to make peace with infertility. [hmmm] Some of you are really projecting.

@yetmorecrap You've known about your H's emotional affair for less than a year. Do you think that in another 6 years, you'll still be fighting about it? Asking questions? Sleeping on the couch? If the answer is yes to anything of these, why are you staying? If you honestly believe that time will make no difference, then for god's sake leave him and get on with your life.

@Branleuse If you ignore and minimize your spouse's feelings, you fuck up your marriage. It might not be immediately, and it might be awhile down the line before the other partner realizes that they can't live that way.

Yes, cheating is very very bad. However, marriages fall apart for a lot of other reasons, and the affair is sometimes just a symptom rather than the whole problem.

I don't see the point of all the big sticks to beat the OP with now. She ended the affair, says she was sorry about it, underwent counselling and thought they'd moved on with their marriage together over a subsequent 7 year period.

All these years later she discovers that her husband has his doubts about whether to continue in the relationship, which, of course, he is perfectly entitled to decide.

That's the reason for the timeframe information, not necessarily to minimize.

Surely the best help for the OP is to explore where they are at this point in time and how best to move forward, whatever the outcome for both her and her DH. She says she is sorry, he is closed to her, alternately shouting or giving the silent treatment. This is not a pleasant or happy situation for either of them.

For a time she gained things that were lacking in her marriage, but she obviously knows the affair was as ill advised as it was wrong. The question is, can the marriage be saved now or is it better to part. It's no good staying together because someone wants that if they aren't prepared to back it up with feelings and behaviour.

All things considered if it were me, I think I would move out to my mothers and keep a dialogue with DH to see if we could work things out or not. I don't think I would want to make a life with someone who wasn't affectionate or empathetic, regardless of their reasons.

It's sounding to me as though OP wants a marriage which is different from the one she has and that DH no longer wants a relationship with the OP, but doesn't want her to be free for anyone else either. If that is the case then the only outcome is prolonged misery for both parties.

I agree with EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard

KC11, In case part of why you are staying is because you don't want to face that your affair may have ended your marriage, I don't think it did. I think that what is ending your marriage is your struggles with infertility, and that you and your h have dealt very differently with that.

It's very sad. Infertility is very, very hard on marriages. The whole life that you had planned together doesn't happen. For many couples, it ruins sex because it becomes all about biology and hope for a baby rather than being intimate with each other. Because people cope differently with knowing that they can't have children, they often grow apart.

In the end, it can be hard to admit that you not only lost the children you wanted, and some how through that you also lost the person you wanted to spend your life with.

In my case coyote, def not sleeping on couch, he wouldn't even move to spare room for 1 night when I confronted , I'm not asking questions because it doesn't really go anywhere that he hasn't told me already, as for the fighting about it, that's not happening either. I haven't moved on because I wanted to give it time to see if I could feel the same, as things stand I don't and still unsure, but as you say it's under a year, so we will see. I do however still care about him , and that's what makes me hesitate I guess

KC11, In case part of why you are staying is because you don't want to face that your affair may have ended your marriage, I don't think it did. I think that what is ending your marriage is your struggles with infertility, and that you and your h have dealt very differently with that.

Completely agree with this.

Sit down.
Talk to him.
Tell him you will answer his questions.
Answer them all.
Truthfully.
It won't help him.
But it's information he needs.
I never did get all the gory details and I'm quite glad about that now.
But at the time, when it's raw, you want to know EVERYTHING.
It's 7 years ago for you.
But for your DH is brand new and very raw.
Stop trying to brush it under the carpet.
That's absolutely not the thing to do.
Time to face your demons.
Deep breaths - you can do it.

It's 7 years ago for you. But for your DH is brand new and very raw

No, he has known about it for 7 years

Hellsbells- DH found out 7 years ago

I really don't see why he has to bang on about it after 7 years. He agreed to forgive. If he's changed his mind, he knows where the door is.

No one gets to fake-forgive and then use it as a weapon forevermore, or whenever they fancy getting it out of the box to exert control.

Aha - well totally misread that then.
Sorry

'I really don't see why he has to bang on about it after 7 years.'

Because he isn't over it, and has no hope of ever being over it until his wife does the decent thing and answers his questions. To an outsider it might not seem wise to ask for the gory details, but he has his reasons and after what OP has done she should respect that.

Thanks to you all for your posts.
some really hit the nail on the head. I do think he doesn't want me any more. I also think he does not want anyone else to be with me.
We struggled to try to have children over more than 12 years. 5 sets of IVF. Financially pretty hard to do. IVF takes so much out of people. We are totally different people in the way we've tried to deal with it.I cry and get emotional and feel jealousy sometimes. He does not react to my feelings and says that's the way it is. Matter of fact. I would like to tell him all the details because he needs to know them. If i can sit him down and actually get him to talk instead of saying 'i don't know' to everything then he can have the details me needs to know.

Enrique you talk a lot of sense. Thank you.

hellsbellsmelons Thank you too. I will try to have this chat tonight if he is home when I get home from work. I suspect he might be visiting someone in hospital tonight. It is hard to know when he will be home and when he will be out since he is not talking to me unless I standing front of the TV and confront him head on.

Our relationship barely exists at the moment.
He goes to work and then buys a ready meal/pizza for himself on the way home and I have been buying a few nights food and putting it in the fridge. I cook for one person as I can tell he has used the microwave or the oven and that means he has already fed himself. He keeps a large bottle of fizzy drink next to him in the lounge and does not come to the kitchen to get a glass of water or make a cup of tea. He only leave the lounge when i go upstairs to bed.

This is sad.

I would offer to sit down and tell him what he needs to know ..However I would ask him if he really thinks it will make a difference.

It seems like he has checked out of the marriage.

I would tell him it is now 7 years ago . you haven't cheated since and if he can't move past it with the answers it is time to separate.

OP, this is plain stupid on his part, although mentally I am in limbo, to all intents and purposes life is carrying on as normal, albeit me being a little bit less co dependent than before and a bit quicker to call him out on stuff. I don't see how making the other person more miserable solves anything, the turmoil aspect is with me and is mine to decide on but even if it doesn't work out, I would like to stay friends , he isn't even being a friend in your case, to be honest . I think he wants out, and yes the affair was likely the catalyst but it's clear there are other issues and he is now being a coward and using the affair I feel to make you feel bad and that you 100% caused the split. I know for instance in my case the emotional affair was a catalyst but other issues are at play such as very poor anger management , Jekyll and Hyde style of living etc. If it doesn't change I would accept that you both need to move on

yetmorecrap yes. I feel like he wants me to end our marriage and that he wants to feel hard done by and the victim of the piece.

I stole this quote from another thread: He wants the wife (me) to 'swing the axe' i.e if I end it then he's blameless and can enjoy the sympathy vote.

If he's done with me and the marriage I need him to say it.

I am in two minds whether to text him now and ask him to meet me for a talk away from home and distractions tonight. What would you do?

I feel like he wants me to end our marriage and that he wants to feel hard done by and the victim of the piece.

I had sex and an emotional affair with someone else. He is the victim.

I... YOU!

Bastard Autocorrect

If he's done with me and the marriage I need him to say it

What do you really want, given all the things you've said about his behaviour and how he treats you, do you see a realistic future for this relationship?

Does it matter to you if he feels like he's the 'victim of the piece'?
Obviously problems over the last 7 years stem from your affair, but he's also played his part in the state of your marriage and both your previous and current unhappiness.

You can both do all the talking and soul searching you like, but realistically you are where you are and if someone isn't decisive, then it will just keep on continuing as it is now because it doesn't sound as though he's motivated to change anything.

Math anxiety I did not think H had any suspicions at all. None whatsoever. I thought he disliked me and that he was happy doing his hobbies and working and driving a nice car and playing golf etc. I was sinking into desperately sad emotions about infertility and around me family were adding to their families left right and centre. I had to put a nice face on when in public and not let my emotions show. DH told me many times that I was only crying for attention. I was genuinely upset. I cheated, I was wrong I know that.

Can I solve the marital problems on my own? I doubt it. He won;t talk to me at all. He is ignoring me and blanking me.

we are not planning any day/evening out/not sleeping in the same room, not eating, not talking, not looking at each other, not sharing any details about our lives, not visiting any relatives, not planning a day to talk and try to resolve problems, nothing. I keep trying to talk to him and he say he is still thinking about what to do about us. My stomach hurts, i'm not sleeping and I'm overthinking life. I would love him to hold my hand and tell me all the things that he needs to say but he can't/won;t do it. Not yet. I will give him as much time as he needs in the mean time I'm the guilty party and I'm trying to make amends. I wonder why it has flared up now. Something must have happened that I don't know about. Perhaps he has seen or spoken to OM. I will ask him.

For the record. I am not cheating nor would i ever do that to a person again. There is no excuse for my behaviour at that time. If I could not copy with the infertility I should have gone to more counselling and should have seen my GP. I should have gone on to anti depressants (which I was scared to do because I was certain it would have meant the infertility clinics would refuse to treat me as an IVF patient). DH did not support me through the IVF. I tried to cope with my feelings on my own. He always told he he did not want me to cry and that I was just looking for sympathy from other relatives and friends and that me crying made him feel bad. Most IVF appointments I went to alone other than the ones that required his physical presence. He was not able to get to the appointments because of work.

He puts his hobbies before time with me. We don;t have holidays because his work is rota driven and he likes to swap the shifts to suit his wants. he works from approx 5am til approx 2pm most days and works weekends. He does not tell me his shift days and rest days. I only know he is not working because he is in the house when i get up for my work. this has been a long standing issue for me. I can see it relates back to when I cheated and he discovered i had cheated and i see he needs control over whether I am aware if he'll be home or in the local area or out of sight and 'out of the way'. Does that make sense how I've described it.

OP, Im going to tell you something about me. I really do understand this from both angles because in my first marriage , I was 'you' . Infertility wasnt the issue as I had 2 children at 20 and 23 . what was the issue was a husband who essentially still thought he was 19 and single, went out 4 nights a week to the pub with mates, went to football matches most weekends, spent the money on his hobbies etc i have even known him go to the off licence nd takeaway and just buy himself a meal and a drink. I ended up having a 5 week affair with a colleague who I really liked and understood and then we ended it. Husband found out, we limped on for 18 months and then I chose to end it. Like you and with a bit more maturity behind me I now feel I was very very wrong to go that route (exit affair I guess) but it has given me an understanding of both sides now Ive been on the receiving end, albeit a very different marriage. Good people sometimes do stupid things but in this case I think there is more too it than what you did if this keeps rearing its head after this length of time combined with his disinterest. To be honest i wouldnt now after 7 years let him sit around deciding whether he wants in or out and treating you this way I would either say to him it isnt working for either of you and get a 6 month trial separation in place and see how you feel with some clear headspace or I would tell him he has a week to decide if he is in or out because you cant live like this and are both miserable.

Oh OP, you really have been through the ringer You know that having an affair doesn't automatically forfeit your right to say "i don't deserve this, I don't deserve this cruelty, I deserve to be treated with kindness, I deserve be happy", don't you? I know you think the power is in your hands to have a happy, loving relationship back with your husband; if you had the power to destroy it with an affair surely you have the power to restore it with your penance and self-flagellation, and it suits your husband to have you believe that; but I think somewhere in there you know that's not true. It always takes two, and he's not doing it is he.

If you looked back on your relationship, if you looked back on it impartially, sympathetic to the needs and struggles of both parties, I wonder would you say the affair was the cruelest thing either party did to the other?

I really don't want to go into the details.

Why not? You were happy to do the details.

Your DH told you that you were only crying for attention OP Yes you did a wrong thing but he was treating you pretty badly pre affair.