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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
PickAChew · 29/06/2017 16:36

I bet his ex "went psycho" when his DD came along and he was never fucking there to be a parent to her.

He's the boy who doesn't want to grow up. He wants a woman to look after him while he goes out to play.

NotYoda · 29/06/2017 16:36

Adalind

Malleable was the word I used.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2017 16:36

Really two months is not a lot to know someone. You did not know him at all. I would leave him. Any man who said his ex is psycho, be very careful, 9/10 she is not, and has the good sense to leave him.

gleam · 29/06/2017 16:38

Anyone can be lovely when everything's going their way.

picketfences · 29/06/2017 16:38

Sorry OP, I know you're having a tough time coming to terms with the harsh reality of the situation. Remember you don't need to do anything drastic today. Just start getting your ducks lined up so that you have options should you wish to end it in future, i.e. Money of your own, keep relationships with your friends going etc.

PickAChew · 29/06/2017 16:39

And they're his parents. They're bound to hate his ex.

I went from having a decent relationship with my ex-inlaws (except maybe with ex-FIL who was a bit of gobshite) to being the devil incarnate, in their eyes, the day I walked out on my ex. Doesn't matter that he was EA both to me and his mother.

Cinderford · 29/06/2017 16:40

Oh, and as Adalind said, I expect my XH's new DP thinks I'm an evil bitch. She's only heard his side of the story, and she doesn't know the crap he put me through. Interestingly, from the snippets I pick up via adult-age DD, XH seems to be behaving in exactly the same way with his new woman. People don't change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2017 16:40

I was thinking of talking to him about it when he's calmed down but not sure how this would go.

It will not go well for you if you talk to him, such an exercise for you will be a waste of time. This type of issue is never resolved through talking but leaving instead.

He needs to be gone from your life before he really does destroy you from the inside out. That process has already begun.

You may well think this is your last chance and you're fond of his DD but both are no reasons to stay within this either.

PickAChew · 29/06/2017 16:43

I've seen some of her messages and she doesn't sound very nice at all.

Aye, because she probably despises his pig headed, selfish ways. No one in that situation is likely to come across as very nice.

NettleTea · 29/06/2017 16:44

I feel I can't complain about his training schedule as he told me his ex said at the start she was fine with it and then went 'psycho' about it

his training schedule is full time. He doesnt actually have enough spare time to commit to a partner so its bloody selfish to expect someone to take second fiddle to a hobby, so he should concentrate on being single if his hobby is so all encompassing.

I agree - you should be taking turns to provide food, or to sort your own food out. So if he wants a takeaway then he brings it home for you both.

He also should be contributing bills/shopping according to his wallet. If he earns far more than you he should be paying more - he is still going to have more left over at the end than you do - at the moment he is benefitting greatly from living with you.

He should be doing 50% of the chores, including the shopping . It is his CHOICE to train so much - why should you pick up the slack? There is more mess than before he moved in. Its not like he's on dialysis or something - thats his hobby time. If you decided to go out and see friends /go to classes every night and not bother to clean/cook/wash/shop I bet he would soon have something to say about it. I'd try it for a bit. Just use the same amount of time he does training to do something you enjoy and leave his filthy kit in the wash basket

Yvetteballs · 29/06/2017 16:48

His life is too easy with you so when you make the tiniest effort to redresss the balance he really doesn't like it.

You could do better.

Stilyaga · 29/06/2017 16:55

This is literally my first ever time posting rather than gleefully lurking on any thread other than preggo boards but I couldn't let this pass by.

I was only 16 when I started going out with my then 19-year old ex. We got together very quickly without really getting to know each other first and had no shared history e.g. schools or friends in common.

In only the first few months, I ignored behaviour including some of the things you have described: him telling me I was a child, sulking over nothing, asking me to wear/not wear certain things, ignoring me on his PC gaming when I came over etc. because he was so nice and kind and paid for everything and ticked all these magical boxes I had decided were more important than being treated with respect.

Anyway, 3 years later I realised I had wasted my life with an emotionally abusive asshole whose behaviour had only got worse over time. I left him not long after he punched the wall next to my face, accusing me of "looking at" a friend of his we'd met earlier... Hmm

Luckily I was only a 19-year-old student by then so there was no messy shared home, marriage, finances or children to consider but if I could go back and leave him after the first time he spoke to me like you mentioned:

how dare I question him in front of people on the train

he's not talking to me

He said I spoke to him like a child

I would jump at the chance.

Honestly, I would see this behaviour as a HUGE red flag, and even if you can deal with being belittled and spoken down to, could you watch him act like that towards your future child?

Please please don't let your perceived idea of "running out of time" be the reason to settle for an emotionally abusive prick.

Kickhiminthenuts · 29/06/2017 17:22

You've got to be careful who you make babies with, your stuck with them for life regardless of how the relationship goes.
He doesn't have time for his daughter
He doesn't have time for a home
He doesn't have time for you

Dont waste anymore time on him, cut your losses

kittybiscuits · 29/06/2017 17:27

It's called getting to know him and finding out who he really is. Ask him to leave. He's horrible and will get worse, not better.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2017 17:34

GEEEEEEEEETTTTTT RIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDD

This is how it's going to be.

You've only wasted 9 months - good. Don't sit back and wait for it to be 9 years.

Yes, yes, he's perfect, he hugs you all the time, blah. Yes of course he does. He is also sulky, petty, selfish, childish, doesn't contribute properly, doens't make time for his daughter, puts himself first... I could go on.

Get rid.

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 17:48

Thanks everyone. I don't really know what to do and I know I sound really weak. He's home now and being nice again so it's making me think about how much I'd miss him if he wasn't here. He won't be back until 9.30pm tonight (leaving at 6.30) and I won't make dinner to see how he reacts. No food in the house but also won't go to the shop.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/06/2017 17:49

He knows he's shown too much of himself. Good plan!

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 17:51

Thanks. He said he will just get an omelette later but there are only eggs and I won't be getting anything to put in it. Need to wise up!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 29/06/2017 18:03

Well out your feet up and slap a film on - so you're engrossed when he gets home - or invite a friend round - does he behave differently wen you have guests?

What have friends said about him?

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 18:14

Quite honestly I don't really have friends round but that's not because of him. I more go to meet friends than they come to the house. He senses something is up tonight and has asked me a couple of times if I'm OK. He's not all bad. Left house at 6 though and won't be back until 9.30. I need to get a hobby.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 18:15

I've talked a bit to my friend in work and she thinks he has a lazy attitude towards his daughter. I haven't spoken to her much about the issues between him and me.

OP posts:
Aminuts23 · 29/06/2017 18:17

This is just games. He'll sulk again and make it so unbearable that you'll never dare do that again. Games won't sort this out. Nothing will. My ex was just the same in terms of the sulking. If I pulled him up on anything he was immediately defensive, blamed me and then sulked for days. I did 7 years of it OP. It never gets better. Get out of it before you waste as much time as I did

Kickhiminthenuts · 29/06/2017 18:17

Hes not all bad because he knows you'd up and leave if he didn't throw you a crumb every now and then

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/06/2017 18:22

It is in no way your fault, he is a boring sulker.

A mature adult would come out and say why you pissed him off not sulk in a bedroom and quite honestly most guys obsessed with triathlons and cycling turn out to be massive bores.

NettleTea · 29/06/2017 18:24

yes he will be especially nice and probably even cook you a meal without you having to ask for it. Once he feels safe it will be game on as usual.

does this training have an end goal, or is it ongoing? Is he a professional at it or just does it for fun. And I dont mean pulling in 4th in local league.