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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
picketfences · 29/06/2017 15:21

Sorry OP but this doesn't sound great.

He is a sulker, you have trouble dealing with a sulker, it's not going to work and you'll get increasingly unhappy.

He also sounds like a dick with money, I earn more than my DH so I pay more of the bills.

And he expects you to do more of the housework because he is busy with training?! What a douche...

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:21

I feel I can't complain about his training schedule as he told me his ex said at the start she was fine with it and then went 'psycho' about it. He did tell me it was a lot but maybe I didn't anticipate the scale. At the minute it is:-

Monday- leaves house at 7, back at 9.30
Tuesday- leaves house at 6.15, back around 8.30
Wednesday- free now because of injury, used to be out until 8.30
Thursday- leaves house at 6.45, back at 9.30
Friday- usually free
Saturday- picks his daughter up at 11am for swimming and she either stays at his mum's depending on whether he is cycling on Sunday morning when he gets back at 2pm.

OP posts:
picketfences · 29/06/2017 15:23

And would you want to be engaged to him?

FetchezLaVache · 29/06/2017 15:25

I feel I can't complain about his training schedule as he told me his ex said at the start she was fine with it and then went 'psycho' about it

So, from the word go you are trained to make damn sure you are the very opposite of this terrible woman, who never understood him like you do. :(

pinkbraces · 29/06/2017 15:26

You are being taken for a fool.

Mix56 · 29/06/2017 15:27

well it's all about him isn't it, his training, his new bike (cd hv bought a ring with that money) his ex wife, his daughter.... & him getting cheap lodging & sex thrown in.
why would you want to live, let alone marry someone who ever only thinks about themselves, you even avoid saying whats on your mind because you don't want to sound like his XW... maybe she threw him out for a good reason

aginghippy · 29/06/2017 15:27

I feel I can't complain about his training schedule as he told me his ex said at the start she was fine with it and then went 'psycho' about it.

Red flag right there OP. He said that to shut you up. In a normal loving relationship, you can tell your partner you are unhappy and they listen.

HellonHeels · 29/06/2017 15:28

FGS he's never there anyway. Whats the point of living with him?

He doesn't even make time for his daughter!

You certainly CAN complain about his schedule and doing so does not make you a 'psycho'. However I wouldn't bother because he's really not worth it.

You and his daughter are not the most important people to him - HE is the most important person to him.

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:28

I have to be honest here and say that I was with my last boyfriend for 8 years. He was 10 years older but always seemed afraid to commit fully. He asked me to marry him after 5 years together but didn't particularly want children which I really do want. I suppose I feel like my time is running out and don't want to mess this up as want my own family some day.

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 29/06/2017 15:30

Well I'd suggest getting rid of this user and making space for a decent man to father your children. I don't think he's good father material - look at the way he's treating his daughter now, she's dumped on his mum so he can go cycling.

picketfences · 29/06/2017 15:31

Do you want kids with this man? You'd basically be a single parent!

thereallochnessmonster · 29/06/2017 15:32

It's not meant to be this much hard work - especially so soon!!! This is meant to be your honeymon period.

If you know his last relationship broke up because of his moods, and he's still the same, he hasn't learned anything and nothing will change.

It's much better to be single and happy than to be shackled to some emotionally abusive arse.

thereallochnessmonster · 29/06/2017 15:33

You moved in together too soon. I'd be asking him to move right back out.

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:33

One of my friend's has said that to me too about his daughter. I suppose the way I see it is that he does still have her every weekend and pays proper child support. His daughter and mum also say about him being on his phone. She's 7!

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:34

He has said to me that if and when we have children he will cut back on his training.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 29/06/2017 15:36

Don't have kids with him!!!
Do you think he cut back on training when he had his daughter? Open your eyes!!!

picketfences · 29/06/2017 15:38

Honestly it sounds like an empty promise as he hasn't done this for his current child and he hasnt delivered on his promise to address phone addiction.

It's your life OP, your choice. If you think you won't do any better and are desperate for kids then I can understand why you would stay with him and get pregnant very soon. However, pregnancy and raising kids is very hard so please think long and hard about that first.

Personally I would get rid of him, but it is easier said than done.

nigelsbigface · 29/06/2017 15:43

Sulking is massively unattractive in an adult I think....
I don't think you are in the wrong to get fed up of the general sulkiness.
With re the take out on his night to cook-he may have been trying to be nice-and just not twigged that you are committed to your healthy eating...that said getting your meal ready for you and then vanishing upstairs with the hump is childish...

I don't think I could put up with a sulker as a partner. Life is too short for that sort of behaviour.

Alittlepotofrosie · 29/06/2017 15:43

Oh god don't marry him whatever you do. He's training you to accept sulking so eventually you'll do whatever he wants to avoid the sulk. Then he will start throwing a strop about bigger things and you'll be nicely well trained by then. Kick him out. This has 0 chance of getting better.

NC4now · 29/06/2017 15:45

He's telling you what you want to hear. Pay attention to his behaviour - does it match his words?

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:46

Thank you everyone. I think I know I'm being a bit of a fool but don't know what to do. His mum who is lovely is also of the opinion that his ex was horrible and they're so happy he's found me. His dad even told him that he thought I was the best girl he'd even brought through the door and for him 'not to mess this up'. I would have a discussion with him about the money situation etc but feel so awful when he huffs. He was so enthusiastic about me at the start but now I'm not sure. He does tell me he loves me all the time though.
I also love his daughter now and wouldn't want to lose her.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 29/06/2017 15:48

Boy oh boy.

He is a complete 100% waste of your time.

And tbh OP you sound a bit desperate. He is not your only option but you make it sound like he is. You've only wasted 9 months for gods sake, that's nothing.

But it has been a waste. And will continue to be.

Depends on how desperate you are tbh. I'd have kicked him out after a month. Words are just air. All that "perfect" stuff. So what? He's crap to actually live with. And petty.

Raffles1981 · 29/06/2017 15:48

He sounds like my ex husband. All of his exes were ''complete nutters and bitches'' Look up the term gas lighting. He is an emotional abuser. relationships always move at the speed of lightning with men like him. Sorry OP, you have shacked up with a man child and it will only get worse.

gleam · 29/06/2017 15:54

I wouldn't call his behaviour sulking. To me, sulking is a reaction to hurt, wanting to hide away and lick your wounds till you feel better and can re-engage.

He just sounds like he wants everything his own way. The words lazy and selfish spring to mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2017 15:56

This infantile behaviour will ONLY GET WORSE. If you can't communicate with him like an adult, this is not a relationship worth continuing. All of the "nice" stuff he does doesn't matter if he acts like a spoilt child over the smallest of disagreements.

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