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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 05/07/2017 16:21

yes, he doesnt have to be at the centre of everything. See some nice flowers. Buy them because you want to, and because you want nice flowers.
If he takes it as some kind of insult then that shows you that he views everything with him at the centre. thats him with the problem.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/07/2017 17:37

What nettle said.

Me, I buy myself flowers all the time. Well, I suppose, I'm buying them for the house because I love they way they freshen up a room and I can't keep pot plants alive DH would never take it as a passive aggressive dig. If he did I would laugh at him because it isn't a dig, it's me getting something I like.

I buy myself nice chocolates when it isn't my birthday too.

Felinefine81 · 05/07/2017 18:08

Haaaaa thanks everyone. I'm not entirely sure that he would see me buying myself flowers as a slight or a put down. It's just my perception of things. Next time I see something nice, I'll treat myself!:)

Booked in today for my first hypnotherapy session. It's expensive but hopefully worth it!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/07/2017 20:07

You are worth nice things.

You can decide for yourself that you are worth nice things. You don't have to wait for others to decide that.

Good luck with the hypnotherapy.

Was your dinner yummy?

Mix56 · 05/07/2017 20:54

Yes, what was for dinner ? mega protein hit for his sports diet ?

Felinefine81 · 06/07/2017 19:19

He didn't go cycling last night and cooked spaghetti bolognese for dinner. I did thank him but didn't go over the top as I normally would as I realise now that it is just part of a normal, sharing relationship. He said about me going round to the shop for garlic bread and I said I would be fine without it. So he went.

Tonight when we got home he was going to put his feet up before heading out for training but then asked if there was anything I would like him to do. I mentioned that the washing needed put out and the recycling sorted. He did this while I did the dishes. I said to him afterwards that I was pleased the housework had been done, but again didn't thank him loads as he was contributing the same amount of time to it as I was. Hopefully I'm learning!!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 06/07/2017 20:01

Good for you OP. Sometimes, as you have realised, less is more.

Felinefine81 · 06/07/2017 20:17

Thanks kittybiscuits. It really is!:)

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 06/07/2017 20:58

They are small steps, and yet also huge Flowers

ohamIreally · 08/07/2017 19:40

Hey Feline how are things going now?

Felinefine81 · 12/07/2017 16:14

Sorry for the delay in replying but only seeing this now. Again, thank you so much for all your support. I am seeing a few changes but I'm not sure if they'll be short-lived or not. I suppose it depends on my reactions... I have realised that I am over keen to do things around the house, often with little thanks. Also, when he does offer to go shopping for example my jerk reaction is to say that I've got it sorted as I feel sorry for him. When he offers to pick things up at the shop I am going to try and just let him without feeling bad about it.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 12/07/2017 16:17

I went for a walk the other night when he was out swimming and he panicked a bit when he got home. I think it genuinely was concern for me though as he's used to me just being there. The walk did me good!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/07/2017 19:35

It's great that you are letting him step up and that you have recognised and are fighting your own unhelpful instincts.

Ah well, he won't panic next time. He will know it's just you taking care of your own needs.

Is he taking proper care of his child yet?

Felinefine81 · 01/08/2017 21:01

Just thought I would post a brief update. Things have definitely been better and I thank everyone for their advice and the time they spent replying to my thread. He has been making a marked effort around the house and has booked us a holiday to Spain for September which he paid for in full.

He is currently in the kitchen making us dinner after coming in from training as I hold out and don't cook all the time anymore. Things certainly aren't perfect but now that I'm refusing to be a doormat, they're improving...

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 01/08/2017 21:02

I should add he bought the holiday in place of buying a new bike for himself.

OP posts:
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