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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 29/06/2017 15:56

Run away. Run far, far away.

What might , in some people, trigger a moment's irritation and a bit of snappiness (followed by an apology) seems to have triggered in him a threat to his manliness and a day-long sulk. This is not how adults should behave.

Also, call me cynical, but all this 'you are the best person I've ever met' sounds like guff designed to make you feel grateful

Fine if you like that sort of thing, but not accompanied by the negative things you are seeing.

You did not speak to him like a child; you asserted yourself and he didn't like it

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 15:58

If I ever complain about making the dinner he just says he will 'sort himself out' but I think if he came home starving after training and there was no food in the house, he wouldn't be happy. Maybe I should try that although I'm not sure if I can bring myself to just cook something for only myself.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 16:01

I should mention as well that his most recent ex was 10 years younger than him (they met when she was 19 and him 29) and my sister has mentioned that maybe that is the level of his maturity. I do really love him although I'm sure what I've said here contradicts that. He can be so lovely too.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 29/06/2017 16:03

The money situation, OP? Is he not contributing 50% of rent and bills?

Orangetoffee · 29/06/2017 16:03

Only 9 months in and you are already bottom of his list, only just above his poor daughter. He sulks when he doesn't get his own way but keeps you sweet by hugging you and very occassionaly do some housework.

You can do so much better.

AdalindSchade · 29/06/2017 16:03

Lots of men can be lovely but that doesn't mean they aren't abusive.

NotYoda · 29/06/2017 16:05

Look, you are convincing yourself here. There are men out there who are pretty lovely all the time. They don't decide to not be lovely and them blame it on other people.

I agree it shouldn't be such hard work after 9 months, but it needn't be hard work after 30 years

Maybe it is the level of maturity, or he thought 19 year old was pretty malleable...

MikeUniformMike · 29/06/2017 16:07

Do you spend any time together doing couple things? It sounds to me that you see him at 9 o'clock when he comes in for his food, and that's just about it. You'd get more fun with a cat or a dog (and a sextoy obvs).
You are young enough to move on, find a decent man and have your own family. You'll be a single mum if you sprog with this one. He loves his hobby more than his own kid ffs.

Cinderford · 29/06/2017 16:07

Feline my XH could have won Olympic gold medals for sulking. As many PPs have said, it's a form of EA designed to control you. Soon, you won't disagree with him at all, because the sulking is so awful to live with that that you'll back down rather than do anything to cause it.

It wasn't until my marriage was on its last legs that I stumbled across the term 'passive aggression', which exactly described how both he and my MIL (from whom he learned the behaviour) behaved. He even had me convinced that I had an anger management problem Confused!

Run far, far away and don't look back. Life's too short to put up with this cr@p.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/06/2017 16:08

there was no food in the house, he wouldn't be happy
Dear oh dear.
He has you well trained already!
Please wake up and smell the coffee.
This guy is an emotional abuser.
Google 'stonewalling abuse'
Let him sort his own dinner out then.
See how that goes.
But FGS, there are so many red flags here I am worried about your boundaries and self-esteem.

GreenTulips · 29/06/2017 16:09

So what did he do housework and cooking wise prior to him jumping in with you?

Does he take you out - after all you're only 9 months in ...

Does he plan weekend activities or holidays?

The meal thing is annoying because

He could treat you to a take away on 'your cooking' night - but having been asked as a inenoff he deflects the responsibility - and again when asked will 'only sort himself out'

None of the above is to your benefit

Does he pick up milk? Buy food etc

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 16:09

She didn't work out to be very malleable and that may have been the problem. Saying that, I've seen some of her messages and she doesn't sound very nice at all. My boyfriend has admitted he was horrible to her but said that was because of the way she treated him.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 29/06/2017 16:10

He's probably not a narcissist but he sure does have a few of the traits. I went out with someone who did the sulking stuff. It's wearing, horrible, and if it goes on long enough, abusive. He's using it to control your behaviour, to get you to apologise, to back down, and you know what? Next time you won't ask him to make the dinner. And so it goes - chipping away at your self esteem until you're grateful for any crumb he throws you. Men like him all have psycho exes. Often lots of psycho exes. Steer well clear.

NellieFiveBellies · 29/06/2017 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormTreader · 29/06/2017 16:12

Ok, so he does put in the rent and bills.
At his flat, he had to do all the housework and cooking, yes? So did he move in with you and just...stop doing all that?

I'm going to suggest that you are a bit desperate for this relationship and "future family" to work, and that every time you do or ask something he doesnt like, he pulls his affection and attention right back away from you. This makes you feel panicky that the future you want is now in jeopardy and you totally back down/away from what you were asking so that he doesnt leave. He knows that he will always get everything his own way because he can just pull back whenever hes not happy. Does that sound at all right?

AdalindSchade · 29/06/2017 16:14

She didn't work out to be very malleable and that may have been the problem

Malleable Shock is that his word?

Saying that, I've seen some of her messages and she doesn't sound very nice at all

You could read some of my messages to my lazy arsed selfish emotionally abusive ex and you might think I don't sound very nice either. In fact I am very nice but he would try the patience of a saint. Did he choose which messages to show you by any chance?

runninggranny · 29/06/2017 16:15

Please, please send him packing. I grew up with a father like that. He got worse the older he got. The longest he didn't speak to my mother was 6 weeks. It always was a trivial thing. His mood would change from one moment to the next without warning. He not only mentally abused my mother, but by extention us girls as well.
Don't think he will change and you can talk this over. He will not.
Just writing about my experiences as a child and teenager bring it all back. So much so that I need to finish writing.

Please listen to the large number of people who say 'tell him to f**k off'.

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 16:15

He does occasionally pick up milk and bread but the shop is only round the corner. I do the majority of the shopping.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 29/06/2017 16:22

Who pays for the shopping?

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 16:23

Runninggranny, thank you so much for the reply especially as it was difficult for you to write. I suppose I know that he won't change. I was thinking of talking to him about it when he's calmed down but not sure how this would go.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 16:24

We pay for the shopping monthly 50/50 but I eat less and also he buys dearer things like salmon fillets and berries.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 29/06/2017 16:24

It felt right, but you've been proved wrong. While still in what should be the honeymoon period of your relationship.

It's fine to walk away. Life is too short for a sulker.

Eolian · 29/06/2017 16:26

How will he deal with parenting if he can't even have a minor disagreement with you without sulking like a big baby? Seriously, run for the hills.

Tenshidarkangel · 29/06/2017 16:28

OP are you dating my ex?

Seriously, its not worth the hassle. You'll start treading on eggshells because an issue you want/need to raise will become and even bigger issue if you mention it. It gets tiring and quickly because ultimately it will always be your fault.

Classic Narc behavior unfortunately.

AdalindSchade · 29/06/2017 16:31

Of course he won't change. People don't!