He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

p.s. for what it's worth I would still tell the women I work with to get the hell out of a shitty relationship, it's just many don't see it as a viable option. Many others though are happily divorced, despite the insane social pressures to stay married. If they can do it, so can you!!

Please listen to us. Leave him now before you are in too deep.
What are you getting from this relationship?
I thought things would change when we had a child, then when we had a second and so on. I was and still am a fool.
I can't change my husband, he thinks he's ok and I'm the psycho now. I have so little confidence and self esteem that I tend to believe him.
He has become more aggressive and abusive over the years because I've allowed it to happen. "Because he can".
Your "DP" will get worse. You will become a skivvy and a whipping boy for him.
Triathletes are, generally, self obsessed. Initially training is a stress buster, As he gets older and can't do so well he will get angrier with himself and will take that out on you too. He will then say "but you KNEW what you were letting yourself in for, I TOLD you how it was going to be". To him that makes it/him ok.
Finish it. It's not too late for you to move on and have a family with someone else. Don't let that make you settle for someone as mean spirited as your partner. Learn from my mistakes. Please.

Don't do it OP. Stbxh's behaviour started out like that, I ignored the red flags because I wanted to get married and have children and my red flag radar was fucked up from having dysfunctional parents. almost straight away after the day we got engaged the EA started and everything was always my fault. He became controlling and would sulk or throw tantrums just to get his way, was always in the gym or on his laptop, I was expected to run rings around him and make him food, which like a fool I did, suppressing my instincts. He never reciprocated, I never had even a cup of tea or coffee or breakfast made for me once. He would wash the dishes occasionally but only with much resentment. DONT MARRY HIM, he doesn't sound like the type of person you should invest in and have babies with. I'm your age and feeling so much happier single and free without him. PM me if you need advice.

Thank god for MN and the ability to share stories.

OP, he is text book but until you meet an abusive man you will struggle to relate to it.A reasonable person always sees others perspectives and this is why women end up so emotional weak as they spend years questioning themselves.

A massive flag is you raising an issue and his reaction.It happened with my stbxh, he would go quiet or ignore and I thought he was processing it, just needed time etc

Over time I realised I was trained never to raise issues and yes like others is became aggressive..for a long time he was the most gentle man and I would have bet my life on him being non aggressive.

It changes however when they feel secure.Which is why he goes back to being nice wheb he detects you are pulling away.
He will be nice if you never question him and never ask him for something he doesn't want to do.Further down the line he will become more intolerant to your needs and will feel justified in being angry.

Yes we can all use an incorrect tone of voice sometimes (imagine severe tiredness of a new baby) but a healthy partner has empathy and shakes it off..he is outraged you dare to question him and ask him to meet your needs..he doesn't think like you do and this is the toughest thing to accept.

If you carry on you will have a life time of sadness and walking on eggshells.

I really do appreciate you all taking the time to reply to my post. It has been so helpful and I am taking time now to process all the information.

To the person that said the thread was just getting silly and that I wasn't listening, I would disagree. I suppose me writing down here how he has treated me badly is my way of actually coming to terms with what has been going on. I know I am coming across as weak but I have a lot of confidence/self esteem issues. I am beginning to realise that everything is not as it should be but it will take me a lot of courage to do something about it. I know it also seems ridiculous that at the same time as saying this I think about how I love him and will miss him if we break up. Please don't judge!:(

Feline, I hear you. I think it's easy for posters to forget how difficult it can be to leave a relationship when the person still loves their partner, and they get frustrated when an OP doesn't immediately act on the suggestions. Hopefully though, by posting here, a seed has been sown and you'll come to a decision in your own time once you've processed what people have said. Good luck

Exactly, leaving might take a few months, it might take a year who knows, as op has said, she is digesting it all, and the truth can be hard to take in.

Nobody is judging OP

Take your time OP, baby steps, no need to do everything today.

Please please please make sure you always have the means to leave/ask him to leave i.e. Some money of your own, an idea of who you could call for support (perhaps your sister)... just make sure it's always an option.

Sometimes men like this try to shit down those options gradually so you have no choice but to stay. Always make sure you have options.

One day, when you are ready, you will move onto better things. Take care xx

Shut down, not shit down

Picket's points are good ones.
It's ok to take your time to process all this info, BUT do make sure you have options. Don't allow him to do as my husband has i.e.: make you move away from family, take away financial independence, alienate friends, further erode your self esteem and confidence. (I can see he's doing this already regarding your self esteem etc.)
I hardly ever post on MN but my story will be yours if you continue this relationship. (I even had a similar experience on a train recently, but he went further and ended up snarling and swearing at me, in public, because he can. This is what happens as the years go by).
You really need to be clear with him about your expectations in the relationship. If you are unable to talk to him openly without fear of his reaction and/or he is unable to listen and consider what you say in an adult and respectful manner you need to end it with him.

OP you are not coming across as weak. The very act of coming on here and writing about it is a huge step and shows that you recognise that the relationship isn't right. Self esteem issues take work and often professional help to shift but trust me your issues will only get worse the longer you stay with him.

You don't deserve this treatment. I don't know you but I know that no one deserves to be treated in this way and the very fact you're questioning yourself in all of this just goes to prove even more that you deserve so much more than this.

Leaving him will be hard. There are so many women on here who know that and know how you're feeling but it's the only way you're going to improve your self esteem and sense of self worth. He will only make things worse not better.

Learn to love yourself for who you are without a man telling you he loves you and you'll look back on this relationship in a few years time and wonder what you were doing with someone who treated you like that. So many people have been there, don't feel bad for getting sucked in by a man like him. The way he treats you says nothing about you and everything about him.

I feel I can't complain about his training schedule as he told me his ex said at the start she was fine with it and then went 'psycho' about it.

He has said to me that if and when we have children he will cut back on his training.

hmmm i guess he said the same thing to his ex which is why she went 'psycho'.

he's not going to change. do you want this for the rest of your life. do you want this man to be your precious children's father? or find someone who hits the mark a bit more?

So how did it go last night when there was no dinner? & nothing in the fridge ? Did he sulk ? was it your fault ? you could have told him & he would have got something on the way home ?did he eat & cheese sandwich in silence?? Did he barge out & go & sort something out just for himself ?........ or did he realise you were on to him & be reconcilliatory ,

I am curious about the dinner situation myself Mix

He didn't get left without dinner as he was able to eat the leftovers from the dinner he had made the night before while sulking. He seemed surprised and not entirely happy that I had gone to the shop to pick myself up something and hadn't got him a thing but it didn't result in a huff. I messaged him on his way home from training to say there hadn't been any bananas in the shop for his protein shake and he said he had only read it when he got through the door at 9.30pm. He said in a joking way, 'I'm so angry about this' and complained after dinner that he was still hungry. For the first time, I just thought to myself that it was tough and if he wanted the bananas he could have gone to another shop himself. Before this thread I would have felt guilty about it but I'm learning and picking up on more now.

Wow, well his problem he needs to solve it. Can I ask why you're the one running around doing all the shopping- is it not done 50:50? His times isn't worth more than yours... No matter what you're paid

By the way, he keeps asking me if I'm OK and if anything is up so I think he suspects I'm not very happy. Still no apology or talk about what happened the other night. Should I bring it up?

Nah I wouldn't bother discussing it, talk is cheap. Leave him to figure it out on his own. Hopefully he will start being nicer to you.

Go on skivvy strike.

I suspect he only likes having a compliant housekeeper. Sadly he doesn't actually like you, if he did he would make time for you, do nice things for you, be thoughtful, pay attention to you. What he actually likes about living with you is not you, it's your meal planning, dinner cooking, bananas bought for him, his washing done, cheap rent, new bikes, pissing off his ex with the hot younger girlie while she does all the fucking parenting as usual.

The sooner you stop being his mum the sooner you will see the real him and it will be a lot easier to boot him out.

Make a point of not being in when he gets back. See friends, go out to a movie on your own or something, join a club, go for a long walk. Anything. Just don't be home when he gets back most of the time. Don't cook dinner for two and eat on your own. Why should you have to be waiting around with a ribbon in your hair for him while he fucks off to wherever he wants whenever he wants?

He targeted you in a rather nasty way. All those hearts and flowers in the first two months were a plan to get cheap rent, housekeeping and a new bike. You should be very fucking angry indeed.

If you are not angry and still like him, you could still say that living together isn't working for you, you'd like to go back to dating. He should get his own place and make dates with you if he wants to see you. You can come over to his for dinner?

You said you've become close to his daughter. How has that happened? Does he off load his daughter onto you for his contact visits? What a shit dad.

Yes I would if I were you.

You are meant to communicate freely in a good relationship. Playing the "you should know" game is just petty.

I think you simply calmly lay out that his selfishness is making you unhappy and his sulking is something you can't live with.

No don't bring it up. If he asks if you are OK you could say "No, I'm not. I have realised we moved in together far too quickly. I see now that I'm not happy being a cycling widow. Its not for me. I'd like to go back to you living in a place of your own and us dating."

That is a possibility that could definitely work. I could suggest he finds his own place for a while and see how that goes. The only problem is that in this house we have a dedicated bedroom for his daughter and she loves it (he gave me the money but I purchased a personalised door sign and got all the bedding etc).

He has treated me like an unpaid child minder on occasion. For example, he arranges to go to the hairdresser and asks if I would mind looking after her for a bit. The other thing is that as an example last week, I took his daughter to the park during his time with her and he was supposed to come and meet us but didn't bother. We were out about 2 hours. This was in addition to the time his daughter spends with his mum when he was out cycling.

His daughter loves me and I love her too now. She sees me as a friend of sorts and when she is over she sees me as somebody to look up to. She has said that one of the best days of her life was when she met me so it would absolutely break my heart to lose her.

Oh feline You are stealing her from her dad. You don't mean to but you are.

You are making it possible for him to withdraw affection from her even further. When you see your child every other weekend you don't book a fucking haircut during it. You shouldn't have taken her to the park. That was his job.

All that time you spend building a relationship with her is time he isn't doing that.

How tragic that she thought meeting you was the best day of her life. However lovely you are, she must have been dreading spending time with her father to react that way to a his nice new girlfriend. Must suck to be her mum if she went home saying how great you are.

Does he shop and cook and clean for her when she stays? Homework? Iron her school uniform? Take her out to buy the birthday card and present for her friend's party that afternoon?

You deserve better. Hanging onto him means you are delaying finding the right partner.

Would he stay in looking after your child, shopping and cooking for you, whilst you do your hobbies? I thought not.

You need to ask yourself why you run around after him. Some work places offer free telephone counselling services as part of the employee assistance package. Maybe look for counselling, work on loving yourself and you will find a better fish.