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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/07/2017 14:18

There was only 1 snide post though over 18 pages..... I guess we aren't all unanimously going to have identical opinions !
I don't call it game playing, but coming out of the FOG, (fear obligation guilt) slowly, & trying different responses/behaviour with him, to see how your relationship evolves.

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/07/2017 15:36

I hope you come back to the thread or start another one to continue getting support, op. Don't feel bad -- It is ok to walk us through the details as you find your independence and find your feet. I hope you continue to realise how much bullshit this is too!

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 04/07/2017 16:40

Learning to say "no" is not game playing, quite the opposite. It prevents the game playing of manipulation and ego point scoring at your expense.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 04/07/2017 19:17

Thank you for all the recent comments on this thread. Very much appreciated. I read over Totoro's post again and can now see that it wasn't even that critical of me. I just panicked and immediately felt bad about myself. I see now that it was just their opinion of the situation and that in many ways they had a valid point.

I suppose it does say a lot about me that one slightly critical/negative post made me crumble to that extent. When these things happen I tend to shut down and hide myself away for a bit. I hope nobody thought it was me 'throwing my toys out of the pram' because one person disagreed with what I was doing as I'm never like that.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 04/07/2017 19:19

Glad you are still here, op.Smile

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 04/07/2017 19:20

PS Totoro's post definitely wasn't from my boyfriend as he was sitting beside me when it was posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 04/07/2017 19:21

Thanks Naicehamshop :-) Thanks for your support!! Smile

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 04/07/2017 19:29

Oh good, you're back, completely understandable reaction from someone in your position.

I'm very glad you're back, how've you been?

misit · 04/07/2017 19:36

I was quite upset that one poster made you doubt yourself like that OP.

So glad you're back.

RippleEffects · 04/07/2017 19:51

So glad you're back and have had a chance to reflect and recognise vulnerability.

Any future moments of self doubt just think 'Is this a Totoro moment' and feel the power of mumsnet support behind you.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 04/07/2017 19:53

Thank you!! I've been OK.:) I had a really bad day yesterday and didn't know how I was going to deal with all this but much better today.

I am slowly asserting myself and pushing boundaries. For example, my boyfriend entered his daughter and himself into a duathlon event about a week ago for 2 week's time and had asked me if I could take a half day from work and go with them 'for support' and to cheer them on. In reality, I knew that this would mean me getting his daughter ready for her race and also looking after her whilst he did his. We spoke about it at lunch today and he said his mum 'should' be coming too although I know he hasn't mentioned it to her yet. He told me to check my leave but I messaged him later on in the day to say that I can't make it as my deadlines in work are very tight at the minute, which is true. He hasn't spoken to me about it and didn't mention it when he texted me later on. I wonder what his response will be if nether me or his mum can make it.

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 04/07/2017 19:59

Well done for seeing though his ruse - you're doing brilliantly - really coming out of the F.O.G (Fear, obligation, guilt)

There will be good day and bad days though.

Remember, you are not responsible for the physical OR emotional welfare of his daughter, his Mum, or indeed, him.

The only person you're responsible for is you.

You're not in a good place atm , you need all of your resources for yourself...

But you will be - you're doing this.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/07/2017 21:30

Well done, start doing that more you will feel more confident and happy. Hopefully in the long term to leave him and start a new happier life, where your free.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/07/2017 23:19

What's the food situation? Getting fairer?

Mix56 · 05/07/2017 12:11

I think you are right to step back from his responsibilities with his DD, It is basically self protection, I think you should refuse in future, until your own relationship is stronger or over

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 05/07/2017 13:31

He has said he will make me dinner tonight so hopefully he sticks to this. He did also go to the shop last night although that was because I didn't go to get him the peanut butter and jam that he needed for after his workouts. I made myself stay strong and not get these for him. I did pick up potatoes in the shop earlier on but that was because I needed them as well but just stuck to that and nothing else. He said he had intended to get me flowers but the ones at the garage were rubbish and he would have been embarrassed to give me them. He got me crisps instead so I suppose at least he's trying.

I'm actually thinking of laying off having anymore discussions for a bit as I'm beginning to feel mean. I don't want to turn into a nag or to feel like I am constantly having a go. Last night he got back from training at around 8pm and we were supposed to be watching programmes together on the tv. He started writing a race report and then was on his phone looking up about the Tour de France and about cycling in general. I held off and waited until 9.30pm until I asked if he was going to pay attention during the time we were spending together. It nearly turned into another argument and I did feel sorry for him. I suppose from his point of view everything was perfect between us and in the space of just a few days I am starting to go on and on and on about things. This is difficult for me as I want to remain a 'nice person'.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 05/07/2017 13:42

One of my exs dod the flower thing. Was going to buy you flowers but..... always some excuse.

Means nothing. Just words. No actions. Don't give him any credit for a 'gonna'

Next time tell him not to bother telling you about him going to do something but not actually do it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/07/2017 13:49

Ever heard the saying "good fences make good neighbours"? I believe it is the same in relationships. Properly maintained boundaries makes for a good relationship.

I think you have warped ideas of what it is to be nice and to be a nag.

Think of it like those fences. Repairing a broken slat, painting the fence, mending the lock, these things don't say to your neighbour "I hate you!" they show healthy respect for each other's spaces.

He said he would watch TV. You reminded him of that promise. It doesn't have to be an argument or a nag. You can be there good neighbour "You Ok to start watching at 8.30?" "You coming?" Doesn't have to be an accusation or an argument.

I agree about no more discussions for a while. It is all about the behaviours now. He asks to borrow the car, you say no I might need it. He asks you to go to the shop you say nah, don't fancy it tonight. He is going to the shop for peanut butter and you know you need potatoes too, you message to say hey would you mind picking up the potatoes while you are there (and don't get the hump of he says no or forgets). You want to go out for a walk or run while he is training so that's what you do. You don't want to cook dinner for him, you don't.

Mix56 · 05/07/2017 14:02

I don't think he must sit & "watch TV" with you, he can read a book/or follow his cycling while you watch the programme you want. its not a personal affront. not everyone has to watch the same TV programme. It would be nice however if he took you out occasionally, & not on a bicycle, or just held your hand.
& the whole point of offering flowers is the offering, not talking about it before hand, & then failing to do it.

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 05/07/2017 14:08

Please don't give him credit for a little lip service about garage flowers. This and a bag of crisps is not trying. Pathetic. I'd be tempted to go buy yourself a gorgeous bouquet to show him what flowers are supposed to be. Doubt he'd get the hint though...although it would have the point that you don't need him to get you flowers. You can get your own. Just like you can have your own evening activities. And your own food. And why is he there again? Wink

He is back to being absorbed into his hobby without a backward glance for you. That didn't take long, Tour de France or not.

You have had your say. Any more and you'll just be wasting your breath, imho. You are invisible to him, oh, except the part where you subsidize his life with your treasure, talent, and time. He thinks cheap flowers (nay, a bag of crisps) will camouflage the fact he is using you. Nope.

Original poster
Felinefine81 · 05/07/2017 14:25

Thanks everyone. I understand that we don't have to do the same activity together or watch the same programme but it was the fact that this was 'our' time together last night and he had asked me to save these programmes specially instead of watching them on my own. He jokes that he can multitask but I would just like him to put the phone away for an hour or so each evening. I think he might actually have a bit of addiction to it to be honest as he seems incapable of putting it down for any more than 5 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Felinefine81 · 05/07/2017 14:28

I did actually see a beautiful bunch of flowers one day reduced to a couple of quid and was tempted to buy them for myself. I didn't do this though in case he thought it was me trying to make a point about him never getting me any or begging him to think of me.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/07/2017 14:34

its not about the flowers, its about the gesture , thinking, planning, & doing something to show they care,
if you wanted flowers, you might buy them, or pick them, or go on "aquarelle" & send yourself some...
Buying you a packet of chips is the biggest insult

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 05/07/2017 16:00

You can buy yourself flowers as a nice thing to do for yourself. He doesn't need to figure into it at all.

DuggeeHugs · 05/07/2017 16:18

I buy myself flowers when they take my fancy (usually when they are reduced Blush). DH doesn't see it as a hint or a put down sometimes I'm not even sure he notices , I don't give it a second thought, and that's absolutely fine.

If you want to treat yourself to flowers, do so. I understand from reading this thread why you feel you have to second guess even simple actions, which makes it easy for me to say just do it but much harder for you to act on. It makes me cross for you that you've been put in this position. But FWIW I think you're doing great and hope that you are feeling as though you have a little more control than you did even a week ago.